Sick and tired of my family comparing me to my sister!
thewanderer2015
Posts: 3 Member
Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
Depressed Suzy
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Replies
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Good job she's not my mother or she would have been told to **** off long before now!
Is it possible that this is her way of trying to "encourage" your weight loss or does she really not get it?
And congrats on going to medical school
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I go through the same with family, except my mom compares herself to me (she's thinner, with the help of liposuction). Mostly I try not to listen because I know it's all bs. Focusing on a healthy lifestyle as opposed to weight will payoff in the future, as I'm sure you already know! 0
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I'm sorry this happens, it's very hurtful. You need to sit down and just flat out tell them how you feel.0
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I can sympathise with you. A lot. My sister went to vet school, was always the slim, pretty, smart one. And didn't I ever know it. My father made it extremely clear that my sister was the pride and I was the disappointment.
It's hard. It's easy to say, "I won't care what he thinks", but because this is a parent, someone whose approval and love you've been seeking all your life, it's a lot harder.
But slowly, step by step, you can overcome it. Next time your mother says something like that about the dresses, say "If you're going to talk like that, then I don't want you coming shopping with me any more."
You're an adult now, engaged to be married (congrats!) and a medical student (AMAZING CONGRATS!). It can be hard, but now is the time to start to learn to stand up for yourself. I'm still learning myself, and it's never easy. But you are clearly one kickas$ awesome lady, so I know you'll get there. 0 -
This sounds really insensitive...all I can advise is that you be the bigger person and rise above it. Sounds like you have a wonderful future ahead of you both in your personal and professional life... who cares if your sister has bigger boobs than you?
Other than that, I just want to add...wouldn't you rather be the sister known for her personality and brains, rather than the one known for her looks?0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.
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That sucks. My mom did that to me to until my SISTER set her straight. Apparently being known just for your physical attributes gets tiring too.
Is your sister the sort that you can talk to her about this?0 -
worldofalice wrote: »This sounds really insensitive...all I can advise is that you be the bigger person and rise above it. Sounds like you have a wonderful future ahead of you both in your personal and professional life... who cares if your sister has bigger boobs than you?
Other than that, I just want to add...wouldn't you rather be the sister known for her personality and brains, rather than the one known for her looks?
Absolutely! Looks will fade, personality lasts a lifetime0 -
Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
Comparisons like this are insensitive and create strife in the family, but if you've asked for it to stop and it hasn't, then I would just ignore it. You and your fiance can be proud of what you have accomplished and your goals. Your mother's inability to move past superficialities isn't your problem.0 -
allbarrett wrote: »Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
Comparisons like this are insensitive and create strife in the family, but if you've asked for it to stop and it hasn't, then I would just ignore it. You and your fiance can be proud of what you have accomplished and your goals. Your mother's inability to move past superficialities isn't your problem.
I know but it doesn't make it any less hurtful My sister is the baby and still lives at home rent free while I'm busting my *kitten* at college and working two jobs since my parents very vocally acknowledge that their parents never helped them and that us kids should accept the same. However, it sucks when you know that mom keeps buying Sally cute clothes, bringing her to the salon for mother/daughter spa days while she thinks I should kiss her *kitten* for giving me gas money just so I can make the drive back to campus after visiting home. Oh and when I say buying her clothes it's like jeans that cost over a hundred dollars a pair and spa days include high lights, facial, and pedicures. It's like Sally is moms buddy and whenever I visit home it's like I'm a third wheel to their plans. Sorry to rant! I know it will all be worth it in the end 0 -
You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.0 -
Speak up. If this is a long time habit your mother probably thinks nothing of it.0
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thewanderer2015 wrote: »allbarrett wrote: »Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
Comparisons like this are insensitive and create strife in the family, but if you've asked for it to stop and it hasn't, then I would just ignore it. You and your fiance can be proud of what you have accomplished and your goals. Your mother's inability to move past superficialities isn't your problem.
I know but it doesn't make it any less hurtful My sister is the baby and still lives at home rent free while I'm busting my *kitten* at college and working two jobs since my parents very vocally acknowledge that their parents never helped them and that us kids should accept the same. However, it sucks when you know that mom keeps buying Sally cute clothes, bringing her to the salon for mother/daughter spa days while she thinks I should kiss her *kitten* for giving me gas money just so I can make the drive back to campus after visiting home. Oh and when I say buying her clothes it's like jeans that cost over a hundred dollars a pair and spa days include high lights, facial, and pedicures. It's like Sally is moms buddy and whenever I visit home it's like I'm a third wheel to their plans. Sorry to rant! I know it will all be worth it in the end
While I understand your frustration that you and your sister are not treated the same, I sincerely hope you are not expecting that something will change if you lose weight.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.
This. Wow. "Here is my smart daughter Suzy who can take care of herself. And here is my other daughter Sally whose only hope in life is to stay cute so she lands a rich guy."
The best way to stop getting hurt by people is to limit your time with them and lower your expectations of them. Expect them to act poorly and you won't be disappointed when they do. Plus you'll be pleasantly surprised when they don't.0 -
I had a similar problem. I did what many people wouldn't: I stopped coming around. I stopped calling as often, and when I did I limited the phone calls to 20 minutes, or whenever they started bring up the hurtful words. This was my last resort because talking to them didn't help the problem, they would change for a little while and go right back to their hurtful behavior.
After awhile, they finally got the hint that if they wanted to be part of my life, they needed to treat me better. They still do it once in awhile, but when that happens I simply leave or hang up. It helps now that we live in different states and only see each other once a year. The last time it happened, we were staying for a visit and I told my husband to pack up the car we are going to a hotel. Got an immediate apology and the rest of the visit went smoothly.
I guess what it was, was I had to do more than just tell them their behavior wasn't acceptable, I had to show them that I wasn't going to put up with it.0 -
Sally's beauty will fade but your education and knowledge will last a lifetime. Tell momma to pound sand.0
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Nope because I'm the Sally in my family. Just kidding but there's no one overweight in my family so there's no one to really compare to weight wise.
Edit: and btw if you want to elope grow a pair and do it. I'll never understand why people fret and make themselves miserable over stuff like that. I've had toxic family members and they are no longer in my life. If you aren't willing to fix the situation learn to ignore it I guess.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »allbarrett wrote: »Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
Comparisons like this are insensitive and create strife in the family, but if you've asked for it to stop and it hasn't, then I would just ignore it. You and your fiance can be proud of what you have accomplished and your goals. Your mother's inability to move past superficialities isn't your problem.
I know but it doesn't make it any less hurtful My sister is the baby and still lives at home rent free while I'm busting my *kitten* at college and working two jobs since my parents very vocally acknowledge that their parents never helped them and that us kids should accept the same. However, it sucks when you know that mom keeps buying Sally cute clothes, bringing her to the salon for mother/daughter spa days while she thinks I should kiss her *kitten* for giving me gas money just so I can make the drive back to campus after visiting home. Oh and when I say buying her clothes it's like jeans that cost over a hundred dollars a pair and spa days include high lights, facial, and pedicures. It's like Sally is moms buddy and whenever I visit home it's like I'm a third wheel to their plans. Sorry to rant! I know it will all be worth it in the end
While I understand your frustration that you and your sister are not treated the same, I sincerely hope you are not expecting that something will change if you lose weight.
^^^^ This!
If she finds fault now, she'll just pick on something else later. I'd spend less time at home. Stop going unless invited. Jump head first into your fiance's family. If they ask why, say they treat you better. Don't worry about being rude, you're just behaving how they've trained you to treat them.
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I feel really sorry for your sister
Her ego must be completely shot
I hope you find it in yourself to be nice to her, to remind her of her intelligence and her opportunity to be in control of her own life ...to be like you ...to have a chance to escape a cloying, vacuous, undervalued life
Why is she stuck at home, just how old are the two of you?0 -
Try this:SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
And if that doesn't work try this:The best way to stop getting hurt by people is to limit your time with them and lower your expectations of them. Expect them to act poorly and you won't be disappointed when they do. Plus you'll be pleasantly surprised when they don't.
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Tell them they are hurting you.
Stop talking to your mom about dresses. You are getting married not your mom or Sally.
Maybe take a break from your family. You are making a new family now.
Realize that your mom has issues. She will be negative to you no matter what you weigh I bet. Maybe she feels threatened by your intelligence and achievements. Maybe she hates her own appearance. It sucks that she puts that emphasis on a certain appearance all the time and favors one of her children so much. She is missing out on how great you are and having a great relationship with you.
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StaciMarie1974 wrote: »Speak up. If this is a long time habit your mother probably thinks nothing of it.
yep, she probably isnt being terrible on purpose. But make no mistake, she is being terrible, and you should tell her so. And since its just a bad habit, remind her every time she does it that it hurts.
After a month of this, if she is still doing it, than she's being terrible on purpose.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »... I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
I've never had any interest in big weddings. I was in the military in Okinawa the first time I got married and think it cost under $500 for rings, dress, keg of bear, and filing paperwork.
After going to a few weddings for my fiance's friends' children, I think when we get married next year I want just a Justice of the Peace. We were going to have a small ceremony just for his mother and my mother, but if we have to invite siblings and their families it's going to end up bigger than I want. So the heck with the mothers; we're going to do what we want, which is to get married without the circus.
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I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.0
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Liftng4Lis wrote: »I'm sorry this happens, it's very hurtful. You need to sit down and just flat out tell them how you feel.
This. Don't let her get away with her hurtful comments any longer.0 -
my mom does that too. all growing up my sister was the pretty one and my mom mentioned it all the time. still does. but now my gained weight and my mom tells her all the time, that outfit makes you look fat. how is your diet going doesnt look like its working.0
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SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.
This. Wow. "Here is my smart daughter Suzy who can take care of herself. And here is my other daughter Sally whose only hope in life is to stay cute so she lands a rich guy."
The best way to stop getting hurt by people is to limit your time with them and lower your expectations of them. Expect them to act poorly and you won't be disappointed when they do. Plus you'll be pleasantly surprised when they don't.
Exactly. Which speaks directly to the truth that we can't change other people.
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kshama2001 wrote: »thewanderer2015 wrote: »... I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
I've never had any interest in big weddings. I was in the military in Okinawa the first time I got married and think it cost under $500 for rings, dress, keg of bear, and filing paperwork.
After going to a few weddings for my fiance's friends' children, I think when we get married next year I want just a Justice of the Peace. We were going to have a small ceremony just for his mother and my mother, but if we have to invite siblings and their families it's going to end up bigger than I want. So the heck with the mothers; we're going to do what we want, which is to get married without the circus.
Most. Awesome. Wedding. Ever.0 -
SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.
I agree with that.
Either her mother will learn that she needs to not be hurtful to the OP (aka respect a boundary the OP has put up), or her mother can deal with not having a relationship with the OP. I don't advocate the "that's just the way she is" part of the scenario. Letting someone insult you, either directly or indirectly isn't something I stand behind. I don't care who they are.0
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