Sick and tired of my family comparing me to my sister!
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Tell them they are hurting you.
Stop talking to your mom about dresses. You are getting married not your mom or Sally.
Maybe take a break from your family. You are making a new family now.
Realize that your mom has issues. She will be negative to you no matter what you weigh I bet. Maybe she feels threatened by your intelligence and achievements. Maybe she hates her own appearance. It sucks that she puts that emphasis on a certain appearance all the time and favors one of her children so much. She is missing out on how great you are and having a great relationship with you.
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StaciMarie1974 wrote: »Speak up. If this is a long time habit your mother probably thinks nothing of it.
yep, she probably isnt being terrible on purpose. But make no mistake, she is being terrible, and you should tell her so. And since its just a bad habit, remind her every time she does it that it hurts.
After a month of this, if she is still doing it, than she's being terrible on purpose.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »... I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
I've never had any interest in big weddings. I was in the military in Okinawa the first time I got married and think it cost under $500 for rings, dress, keg of bear, and filing paperwork.
After going to a few weddings for my fiance's friends' children, I think when we get married next year I want just a Justice of the Peace. We were going to have a small ceremony just for his mother and my mother, but if we have to invite siblings and their families it's going to end up bigger than I want. So the heck with the mothers; we're going to do what we want, which is to get married without the circus.
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I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.0
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Liftng4Lis wrote: »I'm sorry this happens, it's very hurtful. You need to sit down and just flat out tell them how you feel.
This. Don't let her get away with her hurtful comments any longer.0 -
my mom does that too. all growing up my sister was the pretty one and my mom mentioned it all the time. still does. but now my gained weight and my mom tells her all the time, that outfit makes you look fat. how is your diet going doesnt look like its working.0
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SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.
This. Wow. "Here is my smart daughter Suzy who can take care of herself. And here is my other daughter Sally whose only hope in life is to stay cute so she lands a rich guy."
The best way to stop getting hurt by people is to limit your time with them and lower your expectations of them. Expect them to act poorly and you won't be disappointed when they do. Plus you'll be pleasantly surprised when they don't.
Exactly. Which speaks directly to the truth that we can't change other people.
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kshama2001 wrote: »thewanderer2015 wrote: »... I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
Depressed Suzy
I've never had any interest in big weddings. I was in the military in Okinawa the first time I got married and think it cost under $500 for rings, dress, keg of bear, and filing paperwork.
After going to a few weddings for my fiance's friends' children, I think when we get married next year I want just a Justice of the Peace. We were going to have a small ceremony just for his mother and my mother, but if we have to invite siblings and their families it's going to end up bigger than I want. So the heck with the mothers; we're going to do what we want, which is to get married without the circus.
Most. Awesome. Wedding. Ever.0 -
SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.
I agree with that.
Either her mother will learn that she needs to not be hurtful to the OP (aka respect a boundary the OP has put up), or her mother can deal with not having a relationship with the OP. I don't advocate the "that's just the way she is" part of the scenario. Letting someone insult you, either directly or indirectly isn't something I stand behind. I don't care who they are.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
I didn't see anything in there that sounds hurtful, especially intentionally hurtful.
It sounds like these things are triggering something for you , but in the end, we are all responsible for our own feelings, and for managing our own triggers.
Good luck!
:drinker:
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Is it possible for you to just tell them what they're doing hurts you and get them to stop?
If not, cut back your contact. Be busy. Medical school is certainly a great excuse! Can't, have to study, sorry.
Either get them to stop or cut way back on contact.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
I didn't see anything in there that sounds hurtful, especially intentionally hurtful.
It sounds like these things are triggering something for you , but in the end, we are all responsible for our own feelings, and for managing our own triggers.
Good luck!
:drinker:
This. It doesn't sound hurtful on the face-more like something you are allowing to be hurtful. I agree that I feel worse for your sister. Your mom sounds like she is pointing out what she perceives to be your strengths when she introduces you.
Perhaps your sister is spoiled bc your mother only values her for her looks. So your mom takes care of her bc she thinks she needs it. Where you are an independent, smart women in medical school that can take care of herself. Perception is a strong thing. I would talk it out with your mom.0 -
If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
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If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
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When you quit living your life for others' approval, life will get Orders Of Magnitude better and easier.
F_ck 'em. You don't care what they think or say or do, right?
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Olden days, being overweight was a sign of wealth. Same thing with lighter skin pigmentation because workers were out in the sun more than those who didn't have to work.atypicalsmith wrote: »If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
Being overweight in Asia is discouraged for a few reasons that I see: It's still viewed as being lazy, it's a sign of bad health, it's viewed as offspring will also end up being fat, being overweight depicts lack of discipline.
As I've mentioned, it's not just one race I hear this from, but several. Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc.
Note that my viewpoint is anecdotal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Olden days, being overweight was a sign of wealth. Same thing with lighter skin pigmentation because workers were out in the sun more than those who didn't have to work.atypicalsmith wrote: »If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
Being overweight in Asia is discouraged for a few reasons that I see: It's still viewed as being lazy, it's a sign of bad health, it's viewed as offspring will also end up being fat, being overweight depicts lack of discipline.
As I've mentioned, it's not just one race I hear this from, but several. Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc.
Note that my viewpoint is anecdotal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have noticed the same. The forward disapproval of being overweight in many Asian cultures. There was also a large Indian population where I used to live-and they had no problem pointing out your flaws! They would not hesitate to tell you that you were getting fat. They were very sweet- they simply did not view it as judgemental. Many times I watched them get embarrassed when someone got upset at how forward they were.
I thought it was cool. They did not associate weight with self worth, so it was no big deal.0 -
If it makes you feel better, this happens to me all of the time also. I feel as though it's pretty clear I'm the most successful offspring, but my brother and sister always get more of everything from my parents. My dad has even said I'm his least favorite on occasion.
If it really bothers you, say something. I know my family loves me even if they upset me. It's not worth the trouble or drama with me. I just ignore it and live my life.0 -
allbarrett wrote: »Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
It's amazing for how many people being decorative is FAR more important.
One of my sisters was a model. The other was a very accomplished distance runner--also very thin and very beautiful. I have a lot of dancers in my family, with the "right" kind of body--thin, smaller frame, long legs. I am just the opposite. I am also blond in a family of people with gorgeous dark hair.
I didn't get crap like this from my parents growing up, but I certainly did from my grandparents. They were super proud of my sisters for their beauty. My academic accomplishments could never compare.
Every once in a while, my mother will try to complement me by telling me that I look like my sister as I get thinner. I remind her that I am the oldest, so if anything, they look like me.0
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