Sick and tired of my family comparing me to my sister!

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  • beccaawalsh
    beccaawalsh Posts: 45 Member
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    atypicalsmith wrote: »
    I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.


    Ain't that the truth. Plus remember big blobs might be perky now... but you wait a while and they'll start to sag.
  • Kimegatron
    Kimegatron Posts: 772 Member
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    I kind of had that happen growing up with my older sister. I was the fat one. It helped that she turned into a selfish uncaring ***** and I don't even talk to her anymore. Now everyone's like "ohhh Kim, you're the nice sensible one."
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
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    SingRunTing wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    SingRunTing wrote: »
    You teach people how to treat you.

    I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.

    This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.

    While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.

    I agree with that.

    Either her mother will learn that she needs to not be hurtful to the OP (aka respect a boundary the OP has put up), or her mother can deal with not having a relationship with the OP. I don't advocate the "that's just the way she is" part of the scenario. Letting someone insult you, either directly or indirectly isn't something I stand behind. I don't care who they are.

    Spot on. It's not necessary for people to be hurtful, and anybody can change thier behavior if they choose to. Hopefully the OP's mom will see the harm she is causing and choose to work towards not be hurtful.
  • shabaity
    shabaity Posts: 792 Member
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    Just try not to hold this against the sister if it's not her fault my youngest brother is obviously my mom's favorite always has been. I accepted it a long time ago like prehigh school long ago. My solution I live my life in a way that there is little basis for comparison and far enough away that I can limit visits so I don't have to deal with it. I love my family I've just gotten to the point of not my circus thus not my monkeys and warn any significant others that this is the case "don't get mad on my behalf she's already not gonna like you"
  • dmiivanov
    dmiivanov Posts: 49 Member
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    I suggest that you approach this subject from the point of view of STRENGTH: recognize that it is not about you.. it is they who are acting weak and silly, just like little kids, when they're making such comparisons that serve no real purpose other than just getting your attention ;) Just stop giving it them when they act this way and eventually, as they realize there are no 'returns' they're gonna stop expending the energy on that.
  • hamptontom
    hamptontom Posts: 536 Member
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    crazyjerseygirl wrote: »
    That sucks. My mom did that to me to until my SISTER set her straight. Apparently being known just for your physical attributes gets tiring too.

    Is your sister the sort that you can talk to her about this?

    apparently everyone in your family is legally blind. you're absolutely beautiful.
  • hamptontom
    hamptontom Posts: 536 Member
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    atypicalsmith wrote: »
    I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.

    glad I scanned all the comments before posting...EXACTLY what she said.

    Someday Sally will be old, and those awesome boobs will resemble twin fanny packs more closely than breasts, and whatever currency her looks were able to buy her now will have expired.

    You've invested yourself in things that age can't take away from you. I know firsthand how hard it is to starve for the approval of your parents, but you have plenty in your life to draw validation from, it seems.

    From not long after we're born until the day we die, we're able to make decisions that affect our lives. The one thing we have ZERO control over is who brings us into the world. Sometimes we get lucky, but more often than not, we're stuck with people who have no idea the damage they do...and it's cumulative, and sometimes...

    ...well, sometimes, we have to opt out.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    edited August 2015
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    worldofalice wrote: »

    Other than that, I just want to add...wouldn't you rather be the sister known for her personality and brains, rather than the one known for her looks?

    ^^this!
    aggelikik wrote: »

    The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.

    ^^and this, too!

    FWIW, I eloped. All the fun without the stress. Had an ad hoc whoever-can-come for all our shocked friends when we got home, and had a blessing ceremony with all the fam and a couple formal parties several months later. It's an option.

    ETA: More space is a decent solution to relationship problems with boundaries. My mom hates boundaries of any kind, and being more distant helps me stay sane and protect myself from her manipulations. She hates that, BTW, but it's the only way I'm willing to be in relationship with her. Nothing is ever enough for her, so I go with the contact frequency that feels ok to me.
  • vlovell24
    vlovell24 Posts: 61 Member
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    It reminds me of how narcissistic mothers treat their children. Their is always a golden child, and a scapegoat. Sounds like your the scapegoat. Brush it off. You are gonna be something great, and your sister.....ehhh.
  • oocdc2
    oocdc2 Posts: 1,361 Member
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    Living well is the best revenge.

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