Sick and tired of my family comparing me to my sister!
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thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
I didn't see anything in there that sounds hurtful, especially intentionally hurtful.
It sounds like these things are triggering something for you , but in the end, we are all responsible for our own feelings, and for managing our own triggers.
Good luck!
:drinker:
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Is it possible for you to just tell them what they're doing hurts you and get them to stop?
If not, cut back your contact. Be busy. Medical school is certainly a great excuse! Can't, have to study, sorry.
Either get them to stop or cut way back on contact.0 -
thewanderer2015 wrote: »Everyone in my family knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long time, but it seems like they make comments right under my nose emulating my sisters body. For example, we were at a family reunion and my mom introduced us to someone we never net before and proceded to say something along the lines of "this is Suzy she is going to medical school, and this here is Sally! Isn't Sally pretty? She reminds me of grandma, who was so cute with a tiny waist and big chest just like Sally!" My family is proud of me for going to medical school, but then out if the blue other @*%^#* up comments arise like "maybe you can introduce Sally to a doctor!" My fiancé and I are just starting to plan our wedding and just the other day my mom and I were looking at dresses and she will say hurtful comments like "satin fabrics really bring out the bulges better stay away from that!" And then of course a picture of a gown with a plunging neckline appears and it's "well you would have to have boobs like Sally to pull THAT dress off!" Anyone else got family that are preoccupied with looks like that? It's so hurtful and frustrating that I told my fiancé I am seriously considering eloping at this point.
I didn't see anything in there that sounds hurtful, especially intentionally hurtful.
It sounds like these things are triggering something for you , but in the end, we are all responsible for our own feelings, and for managing our own triggers.
Good luck!
:drinker:
This. It doesn't sound hurtful on the face-more like something you are allowing to be hurtful. I agree that I feel worse for your sister. Your mom sounds like she is pointing out what she perceives to be your strengths when she introduces you.
Perhaps your sister is spoiled bc your mother only values her for her looks. So your mom takes care of her bc she thinks she needs it. Where you are an independent, smart women in medical school that can take care of herself. Perception is a strong thing. I would talk it out with your mom.0 -
If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
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If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
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When you quit living your life for others' approval, life will get Orders Of Magnitude better and easier.
F_ck 'em. You don't care what they think or say or do, right?
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Olden days, being overweight was a sign of wealth. Same thing with lighter skin pigmentation because workers were out in the sun more than those who didn't have to work.atypicalsmith wrote: »If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
Being overweight in Asia is discouraged for a few reasons that I see: It's still viewed as being lazy, it's a sign of bad health, it's viewed as offspring will also end up being fat, being overweight depicts lack of discipline.
As I've mentioned, it's not just one race I hear this from, but several. Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc.
Note that my viewpoint is anecdotal.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Olden days, being overweight was a sign of wealth. Same thing with lighter skin pigmentation because workers were out in the sun more than those who didn't have to work.atypicalsmith wrote: »If you're Asian, I've heard this so often from many relatives when they say it about a female who's overweight. It's accepted in the culture. Sucks, but many times people think they are actually encouraging the people when in truth, it can build a wall between them on the issue.
Personally I think that people that say it are ashamed because they feel it's a reflection on them as a parent.
Huh? I don't know many people from Asia, but I understand in India it's a sign of wealth to be overweight.
Being overweight in Asia is discouraged for a few reasons that I see: It's still viewed as being lazy, it's a sign of bad health, it's viewed as offspring will also end up being fat, being overweight depicts lack of discipline.
As I've mentioned, it's not just one race I hear this from, but several. Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc.
Note that my viewpoint is anecdotal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have noticed the same. The forward disapproval of being overweight in many Asian cultures. There was also a large Indian population where I used to live-and they had no problem pointing out your flaws! They would not hesitate to tell you that you were getting fat. They were very sweet- they simply did not view it as judgemental. Many times I watched them get embarrassed when someone got upset at how forward they were.
I thought it was cool. They did not associate weight with self worth, so it was no big deal.0 -
If it makes you feel better, this happens to me all of the time also. I feel as though it's pretty clear I'm the most successful offspring, but my brother and sister always get more of everything from my parents. My dad has even said I'm his least favorite on occasion.
If it really bothers you, say something. I know my family loves me even if they upset me. It's not worth the trouble or drama with me. I just ignore it and live my life.0 -
allbarrett wrote: »Would you rather be admired for being smart (medical school) or being decorative (pretty)?
It's amazing for how many people being decorative is FAR more important.
One of my sisters was a model. The other was a very accomplished distance runner--also very thin and very beautiful. I have a lot of dancers in my family, with the "right" kind of body--thin, smaller frame, long legs. I am just the opposite. I am also blond in a family of people with gorgeous dark hair.
I didn't get crap like this from my parents growing up, but I certainly did from my grandparents. They were super proud of my sisters for their beauty. My academic accomplishments could never compare.
Every once in a while, my mother will try to complement me by telling me that I look like my sister as I get thinner. I remind her that I am the oldest, so if anything, they look like me.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.
Ain't that the truth. Plus remember big blobs might be perky now... but you wait a while and they'll start to sag.0 -
I kind of had that happen growing up with my older sister. I was the fat one. It helped that she turned into a selfish uncaring ***** and I don't even talk to her anymore. Now everyone's like "ohhh Kim, you're the nice sensible one."0
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SingRunTing wrote: »SingRunTing wrote: »You teach people how to treat you.
I know its hard because it's family, but she will continue to treat you this way as long as you let her. Tell her that its hurtful and if she's going to treat you that way, you'll leave. And follow through. If she does this, next time you get your things and go. Make sure you tell everyone that's why you are leaving. Do that a few times and she'll learn not to do it.
This is an important skill to learn before you have kids. Learn how to enforce boundaries with your family before they just railroad your children because they will if you let them.
While I agree with this in principle, keep in mind that you can't change another person. Boundaries are necessary in general, but specific to this situation, the OP can put up all the boundaries she wants and her mother may choose to continue saying the hurtful things. This is when the OP needs to decide whether she will just continue saying something to try and stop the behavior, or allow the words to just roll of her back, or make the drastic change of not hanging out with her mother anymore.
I agree with that.
Either her mother will learn that she needs to not be hurtful to the OP (aka respect a boundary the OP has put up), or her mother can deal with not having a relationship with the OP. I don't advocate the "that's just the way she is" part of the scenario. Letting someone insult you, either directly or indirectly isn't something I stand behind. I don't care who they are.
Spot on. It's not necessary for people to be hurtful, and anybody can change thier behavior if they choose to. Hopefully the OP's mom will see the harm she is causing and choose to work towards not be hurtful.0 -
Just try not to hold this against the sister if it's not her fault my youngest brother is obviously my mom's favorite always has been. I accepted it a long time ago like prehigh school long ago. My solution I live my life in a way that there is little basis for comparison and far enough away that I can limit visits so I don't have to deal with it. I love my family I've just gotten to the point of not my circus thus not my monkeys and warn any significant others that this is the case "don't get mad on my behalf she's already not gonna like you"0
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I suggest that you approach this subject from the point of view of STRENGTH: recognize that it is not about you.. it is they who are acting weak and silly, just like little kids, when they're making such comparisons that serve no real purpose other than just getting your attention
Just stop giving it them when they act this way and eventually, as they realize there are no 'returns' they're gonna stop expending the energy on that. 0 -
crazyjerseygirl wrote: »That sucks. My mom did that to me to until my SISTER set her straight. Apparently being known just for your physical attributes gets tiring too.
Is your sister the sort that you can talk to her about this?
apparently everyone in your family is legally blind. you're absolutely beautiful.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »I feel sorry for Sally. You have a husband and a medical career ahead of you, but Sally only has her mother.
glad I scanned all the comments before posting...EXACTLY what she said.
Someday Sally will be old, and those awesome boobs will resemble twin fanny packs more closely than breasts, and whatever currency her looks were able to buy her now will have expired.
You've invested yourself in things that age can't take away from you. I know firsthand how hard it is to starve for the approval of your parents, but you have plenty in your life to draw validation from, it seems.
From not long after we're born until the day we die, we're able to make decisions that affect our lives. The one thing we have ZERO control over is who brings us into the world. Sometimes we get lucky, but more often than not, we're stuck with people who have no idea the damage they do...and it's cumulative, and sometimes...
...well, sometimes, we have to opt out.
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worldofalice wrote: »
Other than that, I just want to add...wouldn't you rather be the sister known for her personality and brains, rather than the one known for her looks?
^^this!
The reunion comment sounds more depressing for your sister than you. It sounds like "this is Sally who is only good at looking cute. Can you at least help her get a boyfriend?" I suspect your mother hurts your sister as much as she hurts you by making comparisons.
^^and this, too!
FWIW, I eloped. All the fun without the stress. Had an ad hoc whoever-can-come for all our shocked friends when we got home, and had a blessing ceremony with all the fam and a couple formal parties several months later. It's an option.
ETA: More space is a decent solution to relationship problems with boundaries. My mom hates boundaries of any kind, and being more distant helps me stay sane and protect myself from her manipulations. She hates that, BTW, but it's the only way I'm willing to be in relationship with her. Nothing is ever enough for her, so I go with the contact frequency that feels ok to me.0 -
It reminds me of how narcissistic mothers treat their children. Their is always a golden child, and a scapegoat. Sounds like your the scapegoat. Brush it off. You are gonna be something great, and your sister.....ehhh.0
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Living well is the best revenge.0
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