Dealing with an over sensitive co worker.
Replies
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I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape) Some people will tell me that I am doing it wrong (No I'm not, they just havnt done enough research) and others will try to ask me why do I not eat this or that...which just leads to a lot of discussions about the issue and all that leads to is them thinking I am obsessed.
It is pointless arguing about health with people who don't care and have never tried to be healthy.
This is what I would have answered your co-worker.
Why don't you eat McDonalds? I dont like the taste. (This will prevent any ensuing arguments)
Why are you trying to lose more weight? I want a better shape to my body. (Again, this prevents arguments because its a matter of opinion not fact)
So, basically the less info you give the better. Giving more info will just give people amunition against you.
Ugh, I have the same problem. I get the same "why do you need to diet? You're already skinny" because I'm not technically "overweight" -- just not where I'd like to be. And then you get people (like my in-laws) who think they know everything giving me advice like "If you work out you can eat whatever you want" (very false) and if I don't eat something (like a salad) they say "oh yea because lettuce is so fattening." I want to scream, "It's the dressing and the croutons and the cheese you put on it!"
But anyways, you will always have people who do this kind of stuff. The McDonalds lady -- just let it roll of your back. You can't change the way she feels and if she wants to be sour about someone elses eating habits - which are none of her business - then she can. Don't let that bring you down.0 -
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you." - Marianne Williamson.
OK, stealing this quote. Perfect. Thank you!0 -
My opinion- humble as it may be- is this. You should go on living your life, being enthusiastic about your weight loss and healthy goal, and let your co worker be responsible for their own reactions. You cannot control her response, or her attitude-- only your own. And to quote:
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you." - Marianne Williamson.
I always think of this when faced with people who would have me change myself to help them feel better. Ultimately it serves no one. BE YOU. OWN your success and your goals and your positivity.
Absolutely BRILLIANT! I was going to say this very thing... but not quite so eloquently!0 -
Good rule of thumb from an HR perspective: If you are having a discussion about something completely unrelated to work, and someone is offended by it...then dont have that discussion anymore.
Do you REALLY need to discuss your diet at work? I've lost 60 pounds, and have been very careful to not bring it up at work at all; intentionally, for similar concerns.
The thing you have to keep in mind is, at least if you are in the good 'ole USA, we have recently revised the ADA to include damn near everything: up to and likely now including morbid obesity. Welcome to being a non-protected protected class! You are one of the boys now.0 -
YOU have to be YOU. I wouldn't change my behaviour just because of one new person. If you've worked at this place for five years, you are a part of the culture at that workplace. If talking about weight-loss, healthy eating, exercise, etc., is something that was acceptable in that culture previous to this person's arrival, then it should remain so. She is an outsider coming in, so rightly, she should adapt to the already-established culture. YOu aren't going out of your way to be mean, nasty, or offensive to her, so rightly, if she has a problem with something you say, that is HER problem, not yours. You shouldn't change a thing.0
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Wow, I am really surprised how friendly you are all are and how much crap you take from other people.0
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Wow, I am really surprised how friendly you are all are and how much crap you take from other people.
Professionally, men in particular, frequently have no other choice. I'm not arguing this is either a good or a bad thing to be honest (there's a reason we got to this point...and that's a really long off-topic subject anyway), just pointing out the reality as it is today.
You just have to be careful how you interact with people at work, if your actions are interpreted as offensive by/to another then you may have problems up to and including termination ("reasonable person" is a pretty vague...and broad...criteria). It's just best to avoid it all together if possible, in my opinion.0 -
I have to say I'm glad I don't work with some of you.
There's a phrase about walking in other people's shoes. I know I'm overly sensitive -- and I get defensive sometimes. I know that the crap I deal with internally is alot worse than what goes on around me. I know that a look or a comment often has less meaning behind it than I attribute to it. But I also know that it doesn't take the sting out.
I know that I've dealt with my own guilt and shame for the way I look -- the anger and frustration of being dismissed. The hurt and sadness when you try to reach out and feel rejected. I know what its like to feel left out -- to not fit in -- to know without a shadow of doubt that I'm not accepted.
I'm morbidly obese too. What I would have loved -- is for someone to befriend me. Take down one brick in the wall and teach me that friendship, understanding, and respect comes in all shapes and sizes. If I worked with this girl -- I would invite her out. I would take the time to get to know her.
What I wouldn't do -- is dismiss her opinions about health because she's morbidly obese. What an amazing opportunity to help someone -- to teach her. So work isn't the best place to do it -- invite her to go for a walk with you later. You'd be amazed what time and kindness can do for a relationship.0 -
One way to diffuse her comments that you don't need to lose weight is to attribute the need to your doctor. "yeah, my doctor says I am not at at health weight and that I need to be at least 8 lbs lighter and preferably 20 lbs. I personally would not go out of my weigh to encounter this women. Additionally, I would not let HER problems get you down or sabotage your efforts to get healthy. I can understand SummerJo's position; but, you need to take care of yourself first.0
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I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape)
Oh god, this. I'm thin, and have a good physique (lean muscle), but I keep track of my food and want to lose just a little more fat that I know about. So I track food, visit MFP regularly, and workout every day (sometimes 2x a day). I still get the "You're so thin, you're in shape, why are you drinking diet coke and eating yogurt?" I've learned that people just don't get it. I don't diet. I do this because I want to live a healthy lifestyle.
My problem is I'm one of those people who wants to tell everyone about the things I love, so it's difficult to just ignore or hide the fact that I'm losing weight using a fabulous tool with a fabulous community behind it. Oh well. I'm coping.0 -
In short, it's you're body and you have the right to diet to a weight that makes you happy. Next time she accusses you of becoming anorexic you can nicely point out that not everyone who diets develops an eating disorder. And as for bmi, it's pretty much only incorrect for bodybuilders bc their extra weight is from muscle. So unless you're a professional athelete or a figure competitor, then bmi is closer to being right. These are just excuses people who resent dieting or have given up on dieting say to make themselves feel better for not trying to diet.
And if she gets too over-bearing with it pull her aside and tell her you find her attitude toward you offensive. If someone badgered her about her weight it would be considered harassment. If someone was telling a vegetarian or vegan their food choices were wrong and going to cause them to be anorexic, that would also be considered harassment. Right now, dieting and exercising is a lifestyle choice for you and her behavior can be considered harassment. If pulling her aside doesn't help, go over her head. You have a right to tell your co-workers about your dieting if you choose so long as you're not pushing it on others (which it doesn't sound like you are). Co-workers can be a good support system and they can hold you accountable for your diet choices. You shouldn't have to be tight-lipped if you don't want to.
However I would like to make this very clear. I recommend the advice others have given about trying to avoid the topic if you can help it. I only suggest my advice if the situation becomes unavoidingly antagonistic with her. My advice could get you in trouble if you don't approach it in a non-aggressive manner. But I hope this gives you "ammo" to defend yourself if she continues to be a problem.0 -
But, as a former huge girl myself, there is nothing worse than a slim colleague (intentional or not) going on about how "fat" they are, and about diet
This.
Maybe she is too sensitive and too defensive; I don't know. I was never like that myself. However, this was always one of my biggest pet peeves. I have friends who are perfectly healthy, weight-wise at least, and would constantly complain to me about weight/diet/exercise/etc. I was always up-front about it and told them that they were talking to the wrong person, and they weren't going to get my sympathy. But just think about it how it sounds. You may be struggling to lose 10 lbs. They would probably kill to look like you and have only 10 lbs. to lose. I'm not the kind of person who thinks that you should change who you are because of someone else, but you have to realize who your audience is, and how easily what you are saying can sound ridiculous or be annoying.0 -
I have a male colleague who was always going on about how he didn't eat this or that (what the rest of us were eating) because it was ___ (some version of unhealthy). What we heard from that, whether he intended it or not, was judgment. The last time we went to a group social hour I sat next to him and was so self-concious eating anything in front of him, imagining that he thought of me as a fat cow who always ate bar food. He sat there, bored, drinking soda water with lemon because "there was nothing he could eat" at this place.
You don't know what this girl struggles with, though on this one occasion she made a choice you don't agree with. But you did judge her for her choice - there are healthy options at McDonalds, and nothing is off-limits when counting calories, so you assumed she was going to something bad for her and eat outside her calorie limits (it might have been true, but there was no benefit of the doubt). In her shoes I might have been just as defensive around you after that, too.
What the other posters have mentioned as far as strategies are effective. When you get an invite to something you don't want to eat, decline it politely rather than by judging the quality of the invite. "No thanks, I brought my lunch today." would have smoothed a lot of things over.0 -
I would just like to say, this is about the co-woker's BEHAVIOUR, not her SIZE. Her behaviour is OBNOXIOUS. If she wants to make friends/allies, she needs to learn a better way to do it. I don't think our girl (our MFP friend) is being out-of-line with her at all. We need to look at this in terms of how this girl (the overweight one) is acting, not on how she looks. To do so would be discriminatory? Also, should she be able to act this way just because she is morbidly obese? Sounds like an excuse for bad behaviour. I myself am 60 pounds overweight and I could give a rat's a** what other people think of me, or care about what or where theythemselves eat. And just because I am fat, I don't think it gives me permission to have a chip on my shoulder either. I behave the way I would at any weight, and so should this woman in question. Like, treat others as she would like to be treated!0
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Absolutely, you have as much right to be healthy as she has to bring unhealthy MacDonalds meals into the workplace.My advice... WHO CARES if she gets her feelings hurt? SHES the one that's overweight, and it's not your fault. Say what's on your mind (NICELY) and be proud of what you are!!
Her weight is her problem, don't let her make it your problem.
My philosophy in a nutshell."Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you." - Marianne Williamson.
The world is full of people who haven't learned the lessons that we have. That is no reason for us to pretend to be ignorant.
Having said that, my reaction in this case would be AVOID AVOID AVOID - she sound like she has issues other than being simply overweight.0 -
Good rule of thumb from an HR perspective: If you are having a discussion about something completely unrelated to work, and someone is offended by it...then dont have that discussion anymore.
Do you REALLY need to discuss your diet at work? I've lost 60 pounds, and have been very careful to not bring it up at work at all; intentionally, for similar concerns.
The thing you have to keep in mind is, at least if you are in the good 'ole USA, we have recently revised the ADA to include damn near everything: up to and likely now including morbid obesity. Welcome to being a non-protected protected class! You are one of the boys now.
I agree. I work for a law firm and the biggest problem you actually have to deal with is not the attitude she gives you, but the attitude she takes to the boss. The last thing you want is to end up in HR getting written up for making discriminatory/offensive comments because she's complaining. Don't misunderstand, I don't think you are saying anything wrong and I think you have to the right to have these conversations, but I find that unhappy, bitter people are not above lying to the boss because they only feel better if they are making other people around them more miserable than they are.
Discrimination under the ADA is a slippery slope for employers, so, unfortunately, even if you don't do anything wrong, they may still take her side to avoid any potential lawsuit from her. It sucks, but you should always keep in mind how she might twist things. I would make sure never to talk about weight issues or food in any form with her, especially without another person being present to support your side of the story.
It's sad that bitter, unhappy people make life difficult for everyone else.0 -
I would avoid discussing weight in general then if people are going to be sensitive about it. I agree with everybody that says not to discuss weight at the office. In general, when people harp on about nutrition, it makes everybody uncomfortable, especially those who choose to eat food like McDonalds. I would just say "No, thanks, I don't eat/don't like _______" instead of going on about why it's unhealthy.0
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I have to say I'm glad I don't work with some of you.
There's a phrase about walking in other people's shoes. I know I'm overly sensitive -- and I get defensive sometimes. I know that the crap I deal with internally is alot worse than what goes on around me. I know that a look or a comment often has less meaning behind it than I attribute to it. But I also know that it doesn't take the sting out.
I know that I've dealt with my own guilt and shame for the way I look -- the anger and frustration of being dismissed. The hurt and sadness when you try to reach out and feel rejected. I know what its like to feel left out -- to not fit in -- to know without a shadow of doubt that I'm not accepted.
I'm morbidly obese too. What I would have loved -- is for someone to befriend me. Take down one brick in the wall and teach me that friendship, understanding, and respect comes in all shapes and sizes. If I worked with this girl -- I would invite her out. I would take the time to get to know her.
What I wouldn't do -- is dismiss her opinions about health because she's morbidly obese. What an amazing opportunity to help someone -- to teach her. So work isn't the best place to do it -- invite her to go for a walk with you later. You'd be amazed what time and kindness can do for a relationship.
... But then again, if you try to help her, or give her advice, or try to make her feel better, you may be judged negatively too...?0 -
"No thank you."
"Why not?"
"No reason, just no thanks"
That simple. The talk of HR/legal is real, and you want to avoid her going off the deep end if at all possible, which means you need to steer conversations towards things other than weight/food.0 -
Avoid her like the plague. I wouldnt even bother responding to her questions with anything but a smile and a "yes" or "no"... and get out of there FAST!!0
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I personally have delt with "slimmer" women stating they need to loose weight, watch what they eat, they are fat, especially around the heavier people. I work with a gal who is very tall and slinder, but watches what she eats, no problem with this, but she always mentions it, especially around heavier co workers. When 3 new hires arrived, they were on the obese side and she made the remark if you had to be over 200 pounds now to be hired, or that she better watch what she says about herself being fat so she doesnt "offend" anyone.
I am sure you are not meaning anything like this, but some heavy people are so defensive and disapoionted in themselves for not being disciplined (I dont say jealous because this is a terrible word) like those who are loosing weight. I would just watch what you say unfortunatley and hopefully she will someday be happy with herself.0 -
I wouldn't even discuss dieting or eating at all with her. She sounds like a hateful nasty person. And miserable. Don't let her rain on your parade. Ugh!!!0
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The best thing you can do, is set a positive example for her. Keep doing what you are doing, and maybe she will come to you sometime and ask what you are doing.0
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"No thank you."
"Why not?"
"No reason, just no thanks"
That simple. The talk of HR/legal is real, and you want to avoid her going off the deep end if at all possible, which means you need to steer conversations towards things other than weight/food.
I like this reply. Just no thanks. Like it!!0 -
You do you and don't worry about her. It's *her* issue, not yours. The next time she says anything simply tell her this is a lifestyle change you have made for you and leave it at that. She appears to have her own issues that's never going to be something you can change.other than that, simply keep your interactions with her as business related as possible. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years and get those types of remarks from people who seem to think my decision not to eat animals is a personal affront to them.0
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Good rule of thumb from an HR perspective: If you are having a discussion about something completely unrelated to work, and someone is offended by it...then dont have that discussion anymore.
Do you REALLY need to discuss your diet at work? I've lost 60 pounds, and have been very careful to not bring it up at work at all; intentionally, for similar concerns.
The thing you have to keep in mind is, at least if you are in the good 'ole USA, we have recently revised the ADA to include damn near everything: up to and likely now including morbid obesity. Welcome to being a non-protected protected class! You are one of the boys now.
I agree. I work for a law firm and the biggest problem you actually have to deal with is not the attitude she gives you, but the attitude she takes to the boss. The last thing you want is to end up in HR getting written up for making discriminatory/offensive comments because she's complaining. Don't misunderstand, I don't think you are saying anything wrong and I think you have to the right to have these conversations, but I find that unhappy, bitter people are not above lying to the boss because they only feel better if they are making other people around them more miserable than they are.
Discrimination under the ADA is a slippery slope for employers, so, unfortunately, even if you don't do anything wrong, they may still take her side to avoid any potential lawsuit from her. It sucks, but you should always keep in mind how she might twist things. I would make sure never to talk about weight issues or food in any form with her, especially without another person being present to support your side of the story.
It's sad that bitter, unhappy people make life difficult for everyone else.
^^^ All of the above
PLUS a perspective I don't believe has previously been addressed: HOW do you know she isn't the way she is due to an ADA protected medical condition beyond her control? This coming from the girl who spent a significant chunk of my 20s in the military where "calling out" personnel failing to meet weight regulations was actually ENCOURAGED in the workplace. Those uniforms don't leave much room for fluctuation, and when 95% of the people you work with fall within the same tight BMI range, it's very easy to play "one of these things does not look like the other". Oh, it isn't harassment there to call someone a "fat ****", "food blister", "fat body", "remedial PT", "run for lunch bunch", "screaming buttons", etc. Imagine how I felt when the military put me on a medication for a service-connected disability that caused me to pack on 35lbs in a just a year?!?! The joy of side effects. Everybody thought I was fat because I was LAZY or a PIG with zero self control. Imagine wanting to try to explain, but not being able to because the stigma of post-partum onset bipolar disorder was probably WORSE than being fat (yes, the drug prescribed was lithium. My doc has weaned me off all mood stabilizers and I have been without a major episode since 1/08).
I watched as my SgtMaj SCREAMED at an obese Marine across a very crowded parade deck to "go the he'll back to where you came from! You are ******* disgusting! You are too gross to stand in MY formation; how DARE you!". Later that SgtMaj confided to a small group of Marines >with near tears in his eyes< (gasp) that the Marine he yelled at and humiliated so publicly showed up to his office the next day with 3 3" thick medical folders (most Marines barely fill half of one) to show him and explain. Guess what? That particular Marine was facing terminal cancer and massive tumors RIDDLED his organs. He was dead by the time SgtMaj relayed the story
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I would just let it brush off of your shoulders.
She seems super sensitive about it and probably does not even realize how she is coming across to you. She also seems to have some serious pent up issues regarding weight, healthy eating, and life in general. It really is not your job to unravel it.
It is just a job! Just focus on the positives
- Kait0 -
I have to say I'm glad I don't work with some of you.
There's a phrase about walking in other people's shoes. I know I'm overly sensitive -- and I get defensive sometimes. I know that the crap I deal with internally is alot worse than what goes on around me. I know that a look or a comment often has less meaning behind it than I attribute to it. But I also know that it doesn't take the sting out.
I know that I've dealt with my own guilt and shame for the way I look -- the anger and frustration of being dismissed. The hurt and sadness when you try to reach out and feel rejected. I know what its like to feel left out -- to not fit in -- to know without a shadow of doubt that I'm not accepted.
I'm morbidly obese too. What I would have loved -- is for someone to befriend me. Take down one brick in the wall and teach me that friendship, understanding, and respect comes in all shapes and sizes. If I worked with this girl -- I would invite her out. I would take the time to get to know her.
What I wouldn't do -- is dismiss her opinions about health because she's morbidly obese. What an amazing opportunity to help someone -- to teach her. So work isn't the best place to do it -- invite her to go for a walk with you later. You'd be amazed what time and kindness can do for a relationship.
... But then again, if you try to help her, or give her advice, or try to make her feel better, you may be judged negatively too...?
I'd rather be judged negatively for trying that route. I'd rather take the chance that she turn down my friendship -- for whatever reason -- than to have never tried. I would rather be the only person that talks to her -- than part of the group that chooses to avoid her. But that's me. (Can we say "bleeding heart"??)
It seems to me that her behavior is antagonistic and attention seeking. More than likely she's so used to being the social outcast because of her weight that she never bothered learning the social skills that we expect adults to have. More than likely -- she used her poorly formed opinions on health and nutrition as a way to feel part of a group. Even negative attention is attention.
Maybe -- she's so used to being attacked and ridiculed -- ignored and cast aside that she's decided she's going to fight back. That regardless of how incorrect her opinions are -- they are her opinions that she's entitled to and she's going to express them. That's one of two things you can't deny someone. Their opinion and their feelings. She owns both of those -- and no matter what the OP meant by saying the things she said -- it's how the message was received that matters. Number one rule of communication.0 -
I would just like to say, this is about the co-woker's BEHAVIOUR, not her SIZE. Her behaviour is OBNOXIOUS. If she wants to make friends/allies, she needs to learn a better way to do it. I don't think our girl (our MFP friend) is being out-of-line with her at all. We need to look at this in terms of how this girl (the overweight one) is acting, not on how she looks. To do so would be discriminatory? Also, should she be able to act this way just because she is morbidly obese? Sounds like an excuse for bad behaviour. I myself am 60 pounds overweight and I could give a rat's a** what other people think of me, or care about what or where theythemselves eat. And just because I am fat, I don't think it gives me permission to have a chip on my shoulder either. I behave the way I would at any weight, and so should this woman in question. Like, treat others as she would like to be treated!
If it had nothing to do with size -- that wouldn't have been something the OP mentioned several times during her post.....0 -
You can't help other people's reactions. I don't see that you've said anything wrong or offensive. If it gets worse I would probably pull her aside and tell her "I understand you have food and weight issues, but you are projecting and I need you to stop. I have a right to be here and I have my own goals and needs. I need you to accept that mine are different from yours. You are lashing out at me every time something about food or weight comes up and it isn't fair to me." or something along those lines. There's no reason to walk on egg shells because of other people's issues. Maybe add in that you're on this site and if she wants help or encouragement that she's free to friend you and come join the burn. Either way she needs to learn there are boundaries and she's crossing them.
I agree!0
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