When,why and how do we fall off track?

Last night at the dinner table I found myself staring at the definition in my shoulder. I noticed my daughter had caught me checking it out. I smiled and pointed and said that’s definition, that’s my hard work showing. My boyfriend smiled and confirmed. I have been noticing some changes in my body this past week. I’ve been spending a little more time looking in the mirror or a window and walking around sucking my stomach in which gives me perfect posture and I look leaner (in my eyes). So what’s my point well, I’m feeling good and I like the way I am starting to look.

You see I began yet again eating clean, going gluten free and exercising regularly on May 24, 2011. The one thing that I realized after my last binge and pity party is that I had not set a goal. I planned my meals, I worked out and I wanted to lose weight and get in shape. Yet I was flailing along not getting anywhere. I would lose a few pounds and then I would gain them back and sometimes more. Then it hit me, you can’t get where you are going without a destination. All those magazine articles all the books started to make sense. I know I want to lose weight so I will exercise more and eat healthier. The only thing is I have been doing that, for more than half my life. I’m a non-active Lifetime member of Weight Watchers. So why do I have to keep repeating the cycle. How does it all sink in, why do we gain the weight that we work so hard at losing, why do we skip a workout once we like the results? How do you change for good.

I was driving to work today, it’s Friday. I started to think of the donuts that would be in the kitchen downstairs at the office. I don’t eat them, I avoid the kitchen on Fridays, I have for years, unless.....I’m on a binge. I had the conversation with myself of why I thinking of these things that I don’t usually eat? I’m feeling good about the results I am getting so why did the thought of donuts come into my head?

This week I set a goal weight, made a new workout routine, made a weekly meal plan and equipped myself with motivation and desire. Desire to be the person I want to be and look the way I want to. It’s been a good week so far. I’m on track.

My boss is off today for a very important family event. We have a huge project closing today and he has left me instructions and details of what I have to do to complete the job. He has entrusted this to me. Why, because he knows he can count on me. My company can count on me, I have proven my dedication over the years.

So finally, here is my question. Why can’t I count on myself? Why can’t I trust myself to always make healthy choices and decisions for myself. Why can’t I trust myself to have just one. I can’t, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I’m also a sneaky eater, I don’t binge in front of anyone and I don’t do it at home.

No one can answer this question for me, I am trying to learn not to be so rigid with my food choices and to work the occasionally indulgences or a sweet into my menu plan.

I’m rambling, maybe it’s the coffee I’m jacked on, that accompanied by the nervousness of being entrusted to see this project to fruitation. Maybe because I’m afraid of myself and I want to avoid that out of control mindless eating.
I’ve had a lot on my mind this morning and thought I would put it out there, to share, for advice or just for support.

I know what to do, I know how to do it, I need to learn to do it consistantly.

Karen