Why are you doing this?

Amy_B
Amy_B Posts: 2,317 Member
edited September 28 in Motivation and Support
Are you getting in shape/losing weight for a specific reason? Are you doing it for you or for someone else? Is it wrong to do it for someone else (i.e. boy/girl friend, spouse, parent)? Does that set you up for possible failure?


The reason I ask is because I have lost all of this weight so I can live a longer life, be there and active with my kids, and have more energy. I was talking to my husband last night, who goes back and forth on putting in effort to lose weight and get into shape. He told me the reason he is doing it is to make ME proud of him...it's all about me. I don't really like that idea. Yes, I want him healthy so he can live a long life, but I don't think it should depend on my feelings on the subject. I told him I did not lose weight for him. I think he may have been offended by it, but while I love him, I did it for myself and so I could be around for my kids (something my mom didn't do, which caused her heart attack and set off my journey).

Thanks!

Replies

  • abellante_0205
    abellante_0205 Posts: 368 Member
    you have to do it for yourself. I lost weight for myself.... and I am making family proud of me along the way, but I did it for myself. I did it because I wasnt happy with who I had become.
  • jraps17
    jraps17 Posts: 179 Member
    I think we all have varying reasons for losing weight, if he is doing it for you then encourage him rather than trying to chage his focus, i think that would motivate him more. It would if it were the case with my wife and I.
  • myshell67
    myshell67 Posts: 64 Member
    i am doing this to avoid diabetes firstly, and i want to be around to see my 2 yr old grandson graduate high school, attend college, fall in love, have babies of his own! i am sick and tired of being a weakling, and want to be as strong as i know i can be!
  • Bonnie1974
    Bonnie1974 Posts: 58
    I am truley doing it for myself to be happy in my own skin.. And of course to look sexy beside my man.. I know in his eyes I'm SEXY but in my eyes I am not.. So it's all about me and my goals..
  • yankeefamily05
    yankeefamily05 Posts: 657
    I am doing this for a number of reasons.

    1.) Health
    2.) MY Happiness
    3.) To be the outgoing,giddy me again.
    4.) For a chance to have a VBAC next time around. ( Not saying I couldnt at this weight, BUt i feel like I need the "strength and courage" to do it.
    5.) To be able to run around with my 2 1/2 year old.


    I am sure there are more reasons, that is just the iceberg. But it is all about ME.
  • sue26
    sue26 Posts: 412
    You are right we have to do this for ourselves.
    Personally I didnt like what I saw in the mirror one morning when my clothes were too tight so rather than go out and buy yet another size bigger in clothes I joined mfp. Best thing I ever did.
    Whilst my husband and kids are proud of me, they know that I didnt do it for them.:smile:
  • CelticDragon
    CelticDragon Posts: 66 Member
    My ONLY reason: to die in a better looking body!:devil: I want to die before 50 and look good doing it!
    I have never had a "someone else," so no reason to get thinner/ or healthier for anyone but myself and the coroner.


    it has also helped, a little, with my Bi-polar issues.
  • Black_Swan
    Black_Swan Posts: 770 Member
    Im doing it to feel better about myself and like my photos and feel sexy when I go out.
    I am really close to my goal weight and I love the feeling of wanting to go out all cute and nicely dressed!
    It is such a change compared to all that standing in front of the mirror and looking at my huge belly.
    It is totally worth it...
    In time I found other, fitness and running goals, and sometimes its the only fun thing I get to do the whole day, so I really like these new goals!
  • littlemamajamie
    littlemamajamie Posts: 118 Member
    I started out losing the weight for my husband because his 10 year class reunion was coming up. I lost 30 pounds before it and it never even happened lol along the way of those 30 pounds I started doing it for myself and now I've lost 56 pounds! In the end you can only do it for yourself because your the only one that can keep yourself going.
  • AnneMK5
    AnneMK5 Posts: 110
    I agree with you.

    Yes, I am definitely doing this for myself. I HATED the way I used to feel when I was so much heavier. No energy. My back, knees and hips hurt all the time. I would crave all those bad foods, eat them, and then feel guilty and mentally beat myself up for eating them. And then turn around an obsess over wanting more of those foods.
    Yes, I love how my husband is reacting to a thinner me. He likes it too :wink: , but I am most definitely doing this for myself.
    To live a longer life, to be there for my kids and future grand kids. To hopefully not have all those health problems to go along with obesity.

    Hopefully your hubby will come around and understand this and get on track to changing his eating lifestyle for himself. Maybe still let him know that yes you will be proud of him for making that commitment and the change for himself.
  • kimmerroze
    kimmerroze Posts: 1,330 Member
    I let my husband think I do it for him, Because it makes him happy, But in all honesty while it makes me happy to make my husband happy, I have had self image issues since I was in middle school, I don't want to have self image issues anymore.

    so that is my motivation.
  • kkbeard
    kkbeard Posts: 20
    I am definately doing it for myself, but I'm sure my husband won't mind a bit! That part is just the added bonus!!
  • cjwolfjen
    cjwolfjen Posts: 323 Member
    More than why you're doing it, is the fact of whether you are READY to do it. You can have all your ducks in a row and know why you want to get in shape and change your eating, but if you aren't truly committed and ready for it, you will never see it through. The time is different for everyone.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
    I have no problems saying I am doing this for myself. I was overweight/obese until I was 21, but now I'm "skinny fat". I am now working on becoming muscular / 6 pack abs, etc.
  • denisecc
    denisecc Posts: 72 Member
    I am doing this for me. Everyone else reaps the benefits of it. You know why, I used to me depressed, antisocial, just isolated. Now that I have started exercising eating better and keeping my mind set, I want to live again. So everyone around me have a more pleasant alive person around them. My mom has Diabetes and had a Kidney Transplant 4 yrs ago, and I found out that I was Diabetic 4 yrs. I don't want to loose kidney function or lose one of my limbs like she did. I choose to take care of me and make sure that I am healthy. I see my suffer with being sick all the time, she takes 44 pills a day..I don't want that, and I can change it. The weight for me is coming off slow, but in 5 months my A1C has dropped, and all my blood work is in the normal ranges. This is a life style change, when you set your mind to it, YOU CAN DO IT..
  • denisecc
    denisecc Posts: 72 Member
    BTW you look amazing..
  • cjwolfjen
    cjwolfjen Posts: 323 Member
    I am doing this for a number of reasons.

    1.) Health
    2.) MY Happiness
    3.) To be the outgoing,giddy me again.
    4.) For a chance to have a VBAC next time around. ( Not saying I couldnt at this weight, BUt i feel like I need the "strength and courage" to do it.
    5.) To be able to run around with my 2 1/2 year old.


    I am sure there are more reasons, that is just the iceberg. But it is all about ME.

    You will be so proud of yourself with a VBAC, because vaginal birth is so completely different than a c section, I've had one of each and while both are amazing experiences of meeting your baby, I will always cherish the natural way more. I was healed and 100% myself again after just 3 DAYS. My C section was much much harder. Plus just the whole experience of laboring, and then pushing your baby out into the world to meet you for the first time, nothing else like it.
  • garreltsnk
    garreltsnk Posts: 19
    I have tried in the past, and failed. This time around I'm actually doing it all the way thru. I have adopted my granddaughter, and I want to be able to be there for her as will as feeling better about myself. I have my grandmothers wedding ring, and I cannot wear it, I AM going to loose weight this time. I am going slow, not going to rush it, and burn out. I hope by the end of Sept. I will have it all gone. So yes, it's nice to do it some one else, but he has to do it for himself, or it will never work.
  • thedreamhazer
    thedreamhazer Posts: 1,156 Member
    I think a lot of people start out doing it for someone else, and along the way they discover that they're doing it for themselves as well. When you start to lose weight to make a partner happy, that's not a bad thing. But along the way, as you're losing weight and feeling healthier and more active, I believe that you realize that what you're doing is just as much for you as others.
  • nicolerah
    nicolerah Posts: 440 Member
    I'm no psychologist but I would guess by your post that your hubby could probably feel a bit insecure that you lost weight and may not want you to think of him any differently because he hasn't. Maybe you can assure him that you love him no matter what and if he loses weight, he should consider doing it more for himself than anyone else, but that you will be proud of him whether he does or not! Then the two of you can work out together and hopefully live happily and healthy ever after!! JMO
  • dml219
    dml219 Posts: 10
    I do feel that the motivation needs to come from within and for yourself. Doing it for others and their approval is a fragile reason, because if you do not get the feedback you desire at each stage to keep going, you may feel rejected and give up. I have focused inward and decided that my health was number one reason. I am in my late 40's and I do not want late onset diabetes, which runs in my family, or heart problems. Secondly, I want to feel energetic and sensual again. I can't do that in size clothing that is ill fitting and shapeless. Third, I want to begin exploring and experiencing life without fears. Being 45 pounds overweight and out of shape, I evaluate every physical activity I do because I fear asthma attacks or exhaustion. I want to be able to go hiking, exploring, even sit in an airplane seat comfortably for long hours, without fear or anxiety. Getting into shape equates to power and control for me. I think once I conquer it I will be empowered to live life to it's fullest.
  • beckyinma
    beckyinma Posts: 1,433 Member
    First and foremost, I'm doing it for my kids. I want to be healthier for them. The first week of mfp, I lost about 5 lb, and my premature ventricular contractions (PVC) went away. completely. I haven't had a single off beat or flutter in a month.. before, I was counting thousands of missed and off-timed, occasionally hard heartbeats daily... now... none.. even under stress... I used to be up all night when it was constant, counting beats...I would kiss the ground each morning that I actually woke up and my heart didn't fail me in my sleep... I still do that though, but in a much happier less worried way.

    Second, I'm doing it for me. Reasons like everyone said, to look better in the mirror.

    Third, and least for hubby, he likes me the way I am.. (what's that Sir Mix A Lot song, I like big butts.. LOL!) But I still see him looking at women with beautiful healthy curves, and I do it too...
  • Amy_B
    Amy_B Posts: 2,317 Member
    I was just thinking some more on the subject. Here are some reasons I don't want him to change his lifestyle for me.

    I was in middle school, and I was overweight. I really liked this boy, and I thought if I lost weight, he would like me back. I dieted and exercised, probably too much, and I got really thin. He didn't notice me, but I was able to pretty much maintain that weight until I met someone in high school, my future (and current) husband. I was thin for a bit, but when we got comfortable with each other, I started putting on weight, which ended up leading me to 220 pounds before even having kids. I did it for a boy to start with, not for myself, and I couldn't maintain.

    Another thing is that my husband goes through spurts. He will be really working on exercise and portion control, then he'll quit. He just keeps going through this. I think when/if he realizes that he needs to find reasons himself for doing this, then he'll stick with it. I'm just kind of sick of the ups and downs over and over again.

    I thought this time might be different though since his uncle was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Hubby realized that if he didn't want to get cancer (or at least to lower his odds), he needed to get healthy. I thought that until last night when he told me he was just doing it for me. Ugh!
  • Amy_B
    Amy_B Posts: 2,317 Member
    I'm no psychologist but I would guess by your post that your hubby could probably feel a bit insecure that you lost weight and may not want you to think of him any differently because he hasn't. Maybe you can assure him that you love him no matter what and if he loses weight, he should consider doing it more for himself than anyone else, but that you will be proud of him whether he does or not! Then the two of you can work out together and hopefully live happily and healthy ever after!! JMO
    We definitely discussed this last night, and he knows I would never venture outside of our relationship. I just want him to do it for himself to feel better and be around longer. :smile:
  • ARMom8251
    ARMom8251 Posts: 194
    I lost the weight first and most importantly for myself. It took a long time of plenty of failures before I realized maybe the biggest reason for my failure was because I was doing it for EVERYONE else but myself. After I reached my heaviest of 200 pounds I said this is enough. I am tired of living this way and feeling this way. I wanted to live a full healthy life but this was for my family as much as for myself. I wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be and being as unhealthy as I was just wasn't being a good example. I want to be a good role model in my children's life...I didn't have one of those...and I struggled with finding the right balance and learning to eat healthier because it was not something I was never taught. I started this thing full force and while I have had minor set backs I have never stopped going. Now because of my healthy choices of eating right and exercise I have inspired so many others to follow suit. My husband has lost 20 pounds and my children now know that there are healthy choices out there that are just as good as the bad, and they also know exercise is VERY important in life. I feel good about myself and the role model I have become to my children. 42 pounds since Jan.2011 is what I have lost, and I am very proud of myself and all that I have accomplished.
  • SarahC75
    SarahC75 Posts: 45
    More than why you're doing it, is the fact of whether you are READY to do it. You can have all your ducks in a row and know why you want to get in shape and change your eating, but if you aren't truly committed and ready for it, you will never see it through. The time is different for everyone.

    Exactly!

    I "thought" I was ready a couple of years ago. Went through the motions, but saw no results whatsoever. However, now, I can truly say ... This time it totally feels right!
  • runlaugheatpie
    runlaugheatpie Posts: 376 Member
    I have had so many reasons in the past to do this. And I've done it. I've lost weight even kept it off for a few years. I never learned how to not use food (and alcohol to an extent) to self-medicate though. Every time I went through a major life drama, I put the weight back on. In March 2009, after several false starts I was ready again. To do it for me. To feel better about myself. To be perfectly honest, my husband loves me no matter what my outside is like, so I could never really say I was doing it for him.

    I've been on a plateau for a year and a half. I wanted to do this for my health, my confidence, longevity, but I started running in 2009 and now all I want to do is lose weight to be a better runner. I never thought I would think that way but to be honest, I could stay right where I'm at and be ok with a little bit of pudge, but I HATE that I can not improve my running because of my weight. I had (in my opinion) a huge failure recently with a Half Marathon I participated in and I am more than 100% sure had I been rid even 15 lbs more I could have done better.

    Anyway. that's why I'm here. Because it has to come off now. For me, the runner.
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