Hello Again...

arcana7609
arcana7609 Posts: 212 Member
edited November 24 in Introduce Yourself
My name is Diann and I am 45 years old. Last time I weighed I was 416 lbs. I started gaining weight around 4th grade. When I look at pictures I can see it was a pretty giant leap. Mom took me to doctors because nothing had changed in my life to explain this explosion of weight gain. The last doctor pretty much told her to stop making excuses.
We joined TOPS, it was a weight watching group. My first day a helpful lady told me to take a picture of a pig and put my face on it and put it on the fridge. That way I would see it and feel shame and then I wouldn't eat.
Even though I was fat in grade school, I still had self esteem. I stuck up for myself. I was still active in sports. I went swimming every summer. I love to swim more than anything in the world. Around age 13 before high school I was told no one wanted to see my fat *** in a bathing suit and I never went back. I would go for walks and have insults yelled at me from moving cars. Eventually I stopped going outside.
It took 4 years of high school to beat that sense of self worth out of me that I had in grade school. It nearly destroyed me. I wanted to die very badly. In my journal I write "I am garbage, I am nothing, I am a piece of s***". I had no idea what to do with my life.
I had a nervous breakdown when I was 18 and was in the hospital for two weeks I weighed 304 lbs then..After that, I started taking college classes and eventually went to college. It was a baptist college and every one there was very nice. It was an environment where I was allowed to heal and get back some of my self-worth. I let go of a lot of hate and anger.
In 1997 the internet came along and it helped me not feel so isolated. It also helped me shed even more self-hate and bitterness. It is also where I met the love of my life in 1999 and I've learned to love myself as I am, but by then I had gotten way out of shape and it's hard to exercise when you're in such bad shape.
Recently, I had been having trouble getting off the couch and noticed muscle atrophy in my arms and legs. We did some swimming this year at the local pool, but it's rained so much that I didn't get much swimming in.
Now that the YMCA has a pool, I can swim pretty much every day whenever I want.
I swam 3.6 miles the first week and 6.7 last week. My goal is 10 miles this week, but the holiday has kind of messed me up. I only got 24 laps in today before we had to get out due to the storm. I filled out forms to meet with a personal trainer so that I can do some strength training for my arms and legs.
This isn't about getting thin so I can dazzle every one by holding up a big pair of pants and exclaiming "look what a big pig I used to be" This is about doing what I love more than anything in the world and not letting my fear of what people think about me keep me a prisoner in my house. No Shame, No Fear. Just me in the water doing my thing. Shame does not help people. Support helps people.

Replies

  • PinkPixiexox
    PinkPixiexox Posts: 4,142 Member
    Hi :)

    Alarm bells started ringing for me when I read this: My first day a helpful lady told me to take a picture of a pig and put my face on it and put it on the fridge. That way I would see it and feel shame and then I wouldn't eat..

    It's really no wonder you have such an awful opinion of yourself when you have been surrounded by such disgusting, unhealthy 'support' systems. This 'helpful lady' essentially wanted to shame you into losing weight thus potentially causing an eating disorder. This 'helpful lady' escalated the situation without realizing it. It seems to me you were stuck in a cycle - feeling worthless, so turning to food which made you feel even more worthless - and the cycle continues..

    First of all, I want you to forget every thing you've been 'taught' so far about losing weight and the ways in which to do so. The last thing you should be doing is shaming yourself. The reason why I lost weight is because I actually respected my body and my self too much to let my health be impacted. You are special, you are worthy and you are wonderful - that's what you need to repeat to yourself throughout this entire process.

    Congratulations on your swimming routine - that's a fantastic form of exercise and will really help you achieve your goals. Any exercise will help but of course, logging your food is absolutely vital. I know you can do this, I really do. I suggest sticking to the MFP forum's, you'll find so much support and admiration here - it isn't going to be easy but we are all in this together. I hope after a while, you'll feel ashamed for daring to put yourself down and not for being overweight.

    Best of luck.
  • arcana7609
    arcana7609 Posts: 212 Member
    Thanks for the support :) I need to clarify that I have't been ashamed to be fat for the last 15 years. It's been a long road to that acceptance. I just wanted to put a spotlight on shaming and how it can undermine anything you try to accomplish. I love myself now, enough to make the changes I need to make. That's where it has to begin.
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