Nit-picky people
RiseHigher
Posts: 64 Member
I chew gum to help with my weight loss. It sounds silly but it stops me from chewing on food and sometimes it causes me to forget I am even hungry until my next meal.
My Mom, however, regularly nit-picks me about me chewing gum in public (I'm 42 years old, btw). Sometimes she will even put out her hand for me to spit the gum out, like I am 5 years old. I don't do that, obviously, and have expressed my disinterest in her comments. She gets mad at me, saying she's, "Just trying to help or she wouldn't say anything," and acts like I am overreacting and I'm the one who is acting poorly.
I admit chewing gum in public isn't the best habit in the world (SHE does it too, though). However, it gets super old, and I feel like I can't say anything back because then I'm the problem again.
I feel like she's frustrated about something else and looking for a way to take it out on me. If I ask her that, she denies it.
As an aside, she also picks on my driving. Which is also frustrating, because normally when we're together, I'm driving HER to the grocery store or to run errands, etc. The last time I said, "You know you could always drive if you don't like the way I do it." She got mad at that, of course.
Just wondering what anyone else does. I guess I could ignore it but it gets old esp when she says it in a way that demands a response. This just occurred again, for example. I even explained why I chew gum, but regardless now she's all mad and there's tension. I totally don't need to be stressed/confronted about something innocuous that is helping me lose weight!!
My Mom, however, regularly nit-picks me about me chewing gum in public (I'm 42 years old, btw). Sometimes she will even put out her hand for me to spit the gum out, like I am 5 years old. I don't do that, obviously, and have expressed my disinterest in her comments. She gets mad at me, saying she's, "Just trying to help or she wouldn't say anything," and acts like I am overreacting and I'm the one who is acting poorly.
I admit chewing gum in public isn't the best habit in the world (SHE does it too, though). However, it gets super old, and I feel like I can't say anything back because then I'm the problem again.
I feel like she's frustrated about something else and looking for a way to take it out on me. If I ask her that, she denies it.
As an aside, she also picks on my driving. Which is also frustrating, because normally when we're together, I'm driving HER to the grocery store or to run errands, etc. The last time I said, "You know you could always drive if you don't like the way I do it." She got mad at that, of course.
Just wondering what anyone else does. I guess I could ignore it but it gets old esp when she says it in a way that demands a response. This just occurred again, for example. I even explained why I chew gum, but regardless now she's all mad and there's tension. I totally don't need to be stressed/confronted about something innocuous that is helping me lose weight!!
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There's something wrong with chewing gum in public? Guess I've been rude most of my life by not going somewhere private.0
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It's your mother. I think you're actually handling it pretty well (although I'd be all over my mother chewing gum in public if she had a problem with me doing it). You can continue to point it out and maybe she will notice how annoying it is, but most likely, you're just going to have to pick up with it. Most of the time, I'd tell you to distance yourself, but you mother...0
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Exactly @senecarr ! I think she is not living in today's world. @auddii , I know. She just came in and blew up at me about it again, and it became this big argument, saying how uncomfortable it is for her to go anywhere with me with such "conflict". I said I know - it is - all I did was put a piece of gum in my mouth and said we'll go to the store after I am done running. Truly, I don't need the stress.
Frankly she has some issues with depression - not diagnosed but they are there. She holds in a lot of anger and I think it is just this spilling out. Seriously - why does it matter to her anyway if I chew gum outside, or not?? I was going running - who is really going to see me do it anyway? LOL!!!0 -
At some point in life you end up being the adult and they the child. You could stand up to her and explain, but it might cuase more trouble than its worth. Its a kop out, just smile and nod your head, then carry on doing whatever you want. It will annoy her.0
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RiseHigher wrote: »Exactly @senecarr ! I think she is not living in today's world. @auddii , I know. She just came in and blew up at me about it again, and it became this big argument, saying how uncomfortable it is for her to go anywhere with me with such "conflict". I said I know - it is - all I did was put a piece of gum in my mouth and said we'll go to the store after I am done running. Truly, I don't need the stress.
Frankly she has some issues with depression - not diagnosed but they are there. She holds in a lot of anger and I think it is just this spilling out. Seriously - why does it matter to her anyway if I chew gum outside, or not?? I was going running - who is really going to see me do it anyway? LOL!!!
With that said, I agree she's crazy, no clue why it would be rude (or whatever) to chew gum in public unless you smacking loudly or just being obnoxious in general. It might be worth taking a step back and trying to see her a little less if she's causing you a lot of stress. (I'm currently avoiding calling my mother much because she's gone from annoyingly nagging to bat **** crazy now that I'm engaged and she wants to talk wedding planning ALL THE TIME...)0 -
IMO, anyone you're with (regardless) is a reflection of that person's choice in character. I don't like to dress up and hardly do and it drives my DW bonkers sometimes. She dresses up nice all the time to look presentable and I on the other hand live in sweats and shorts and go EVERYWHERE in them. Personally I don't care if people mock my clothing or what I wear, but many times my DW says "are you going to wear that to __________? If she dresses nice and I look like a schlub, to her it's still a reflection on her. And society also sees it that way.RiseHigher wrote: »I chew gum to help with my weight loss. It sounds silly but it stops me from chewing on food and sometimes it causes me to forget I am even hungry until my next meal.
My Mom, however, regularly nit-picks me about me chewing gum in public (I'm 42 years old, btw). Sometimes she will even put out her hand for me to spit the gum out, like I am 5 years old. I don't do that, obviously, and have expressed my disinterest in her comments. She gets mad at me, saying she's, "Just trying to help or she wouldn't say anything," and acts like I am overreacting and I'm the one who is acting poorly.
I admit chewing gum in public isn't the best habit in the world (SHE does it too, though). However, it gets super old, and I feel like I can't say anything back because then I'm the problem again.
I feel like she's frustrated about something else and looking for a way to take it out on me. If I ask her that, she denies it.
As an aside, she also picks on my driving. Which is also frustrating, because normally when we're together, I'm driving HER to the grocery store or to run errands, etc. The last time I said, "You know you could always drive if you don't like the way I do it." She got mad at that, of course.
Just wondering what anyone else does. I guess I could ignore it but it gets old esp when she says it in a way that demands a response. This just occurred again, for example. I even explained why I chew gum, but regardless now she's all mad and there's tension. I totally don't need to be stressed/confronted about something innocuous that is helping me lose weight!!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I minimize time spent with unpleasant people. If you really cannot do that, I'd suggest you act like Teflon and let the comments slide off. She is not going to change. If you're 42, my guess is that she is in her 60s and people rarely change their personalities by that point in time.0
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Do you live outside of America? I'm not being facious here. It's just that I've only ever heard the gum in public thing in countries like Singapore where, I believe, its illegal. And actually I think that's only if you spit it out. Why don't they just sell gum on the Black Market or back alleys somewhere then if its so sketcky to chew it in public? The real point here is that we all have to do things to achieve our goals that drive other people NUTS! I weigh everything I eat and won't eat something if I don't know what's in it. Now THAT'S irritating to people. But its what I have to do to stay sane. And if they don't like it they don't have to eat with me
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maybe it's not the gum but how you chew it?
it's nails on chalkboard to some people. Some people's chewing can reduce me to tears because the sound is uncomfortable to me.
Also, depression can lead to anxiety which can lead someone to be more sensitive to sound. so says my docs0 -
It's your mom and having fights with her over gum is not worth it. Sometimes certain compromises are worth it. Just don't chew gum in public when she is with you. spit it out, do the groceries, return back home and pop in a new piece. Some battles are just not worth fighting. My mom really doesn't like it when I walk around the house barefoot during winter. She says seeing me step on the cold floor with my bare feet makes her feel cold, so I just stopped doing it when she is around and that particular problem was solved. As soon as she is out off fly my slippers.0
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omg i cant stand when people chew gum in public. it makes me physically ill... like throwing up, headache, miserable.0
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Well I was talking to my brother-in-law about this and he suggested the not chewing gum thing too, but it seriously does help me on my diet and I am not really wanting to sabotage myself due to someone's opinion of me. I take her almost everywhere so it's not like a one-off thing.
Chewing gum also helps me with stress. I can tell when I'm stressed by the way I chew it. LOL her complaining about my chewing stresses me and makes me want to chew more. LOLLLLLL
I did realize when thinking about it today - she doesn't care for my running - and she wanted to go to the store and I said I'd take her after my run. So I'm guessing perhaps she was put off by that and took it out on the gum issue. Or, it could be something else I don't know about. I've read before that when someone criticizes you it's a reflection of them, not you.
I felt like for a long time there was this "don't ask don't tell" type of attitude about my running. If I just didn't talk about it and sort of kept it on the down-low I wouldn't get the negative attitudes. Will it be this way with secretly chewing gum now? GAH
The thing with the gum too is for example today - I wasn't even going to be around her while chewing it. I was going running so really who's going to see that anyway? And the other thing is, I could stop chewing the gum, but then she would probably just find something else to pick on. Like my driving. Or what I wear when I go running. My hair. And so on. If it's not one thing it's something else.
I guess I will just try to ignore her comments in the future but it's almost like she tries to get a response out of me so it's hard to ignore. I'm moving away in a few months so there's that too.0 -
I think you've hit it on the head when you say if it wasn't the gum it would be something else!
My mum is like this. She picks up on things that are just so pointless and trivial. But she can be like a dog with a bone about it and will not let go! For example when we got married I told her I didn't see the point in chair covers for the reception. But Oh My God, the amount of times she would then bring up chaircovers, saying she would pay for them. I just ignore her now when she's being like that about something. I have two kids and enough to worry about without her!0 -
My mother is like your mom, OP, except that she usually makes empty threats (I'll disown or disinherit you) or sighs dramatically over little things, such as I allowed my teenage daughter to get colored streaks in her hair. And my hair, which is naturally curly, thick and generally unruly has ALWAYS been an issue with her. I always look "like Gravel Gertie" or some other cutting remark. I'm 48 and she's 82 so it won't ever change...however I got to the point where I'd had enough and told her so. We didn't speak for about two weeks but once we did the dynamic had shifted. Now she even apologizes once in a while when I point out how hurtful her words can be.
You can't change your mom but perhaps if you confront her she may just bend a little. Good luck and don't let her comments about the gum chewing or your running derail you. 0 -
Thanks all. Yeah I'm 42, my Mom is 78, she won't change and I know this. I have confronted her but it just makes it worse - the family knows she likes to play the martyr. The gum thing did make my run go sort of bad today. I felt annoyed by it and couldn't focus on my first couple of intervals. But then I got into it and it was better. BTW I don't really chew gum while I run but I wanted to start snacking before my run so that's why I started chewing it.
I think when I move away the problem will go away. I'm the closest of my brother and sisters that she sees the most so she has opportunity. When I move away she won't know what I wear when I run, how my hair is, what I'm doing or not with my dog, if I'm using my right or left hand to use the turn signal, if I'm wearing perfume or IF I AM CHEWING GUM OR NOT LMAO!!! I'm just going to try to ignore the jabs before then as much as I can, and just realize it's probably not about me to begin with.0 -
Finding this funny as my Mom does the same thing - uses "manners" as a weapon. My reaction is to make the situation worse. If she comments on my gum chewing I open mouth chew obnoxiously. She has now been conditioned to not make such comments.
...and now I'm reaching for gum.0 -
Sounds like your mom has some issues with control and manipulation. Keep chewing your gum if you fee it helps you. Let her be angry and upset. That's her choice. Her choice to be miserable is not your problem to solve for her. Not like you are actually doing anything that will cause her or anyone else any harm.0
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Is your mom GERMAN? My oma was just like this!!! She hated the gum and would pick apart everything, my poor mother was a hot mess around her.0
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my mum picks on me too. and she says stuff and then backtracks and said she never said it at all (for example - when I started my current weight loss journey with my 5 meals a day and weight lifting I got all sorts of "OMG you're never going to lose weight if you eat all day long and make sure you don't end up looking like a bodybuilder blah blah blah - so-and-so did Weight Watchers/Light n' Easy/Jenny Craig and it's the ONLY thing that works just sign up for that. Don't eat breakfast, just have a cappuccino mid morning then lunch and dinner and you will lose weight..." (and so on and for forth). Then, just last week she goes "oh - i'm so happy to see how you've lost so much weight! You're doing it the right way, just like I told you to!"
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm - right.
She likes to control EVERYONE around her. My poor dad bears the brunt of it now as he's the only one left at home.
I have learnt to smile and nod and not get into arguments as I used to before. I just go "hmmm hmmmm. yes." but inside I'm seething.0 -
Yes, she does have control issues! I just have to remember, "It's not about me..." and the limited time frame!!0
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Has she gotten worse since she found out you're moving?0
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Have you ever considered therapy?0
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Time to start threatening to put her in a home for the elderly.0
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Alluminati wrote: »
Hahaha. I am leaving for a week for my marathon and talked about going to visit my sister out west after. Perhaps that is it too. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go too but she nixed the idea.
Last night I was all having a mental trip about the gum chewing and didn't do it. I snacked. Just before bed. At least, this time, it was just a few banana peppers but still, it could have turned into a fail.
I even buy a xylitol gum in bulk (600 pack) with just 1.4 calories per piece, because other gum at 5-10 calories per piece adds up. At just over a calorie I can afford to just chew it for just a few minutes even, like just before bed or, if I'm cooking something and don't want to snack on the ingredients or otherwise start eating before it's done. I would normally have popped a piece of gum last night.
Seriously I'm just over 5 lbs from my goal maintenance weight window and I'M GOING TO GET THERE.
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Spend less time with your mom.
Ignore her comments.
Don't chew gum while you are with her. Chew before or after your visit. Try meditation, deep breathing or some other way of handling your compulsion.
Don't tell her what you are doing.
Change the subject every time.
Get her a hobby or a friend so she isn't obsessing over you.
Get her to a doctor if this is a change from how she used to act. http://psychcentral.com/news/2007/05/10/personality-problems-among-senior-adults/814.html
http://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/blog/november-2011/when-aging-changes-a-personality.aspx
I don't know. My mom is dead and my dad re-married and only e-mails me a couple times a month. I haven't heard from my siblings for 6 months to a year. Is she annoying/toxic enough to want her out of your life? Do you enjoy being around her at all?
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I think you should eat something with as much onions and garlic that you can stand right before you are with her. Make sure you get close to her when you speak and she will probably shove the gum into your mouth herself. Just saying!
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Alluminati wrote: »
I'm the same way. Doctors here call it hypersensitivity. Mine is mostly audio.
but there is a condition called misophonia. and essentially it's audio hypersensitivity and it totally sucks to have0 -
RiseHigher wrote: »Alluminati wrote: »
Hahaha. I am leaving for a week for my marathon and talked about going to visit my sister out west after. Perhaps that is it too. I asked my Mom if she wanted to go too but she nixed the idea.
Last night I was all having a mental trip about the gum chewing and didn't do it. I snacked. Just before bed. At least, this time, it was just a few banana peppers but still, it could have turned into a fail.
I even buy a xylitol gum in bulk (600 pack) with just 1.4 calories per piece, because other gum at 5-10 calories per piece adds up. At just over a calorie I can afford to just chew it for just a few minutes even, like just before bed or, if I'm cooking something and don't want to snack on the ingredients or otherwise start eating before it's done. I would normally have popped a piece of gum last night.
Seriously I'm just over 5 lbs from my goal maintenance weight window and I'M GOING TO GET THERE.
Well, not to side at all with your mother; be careful of having too much gum with xylitol. It can have *interesting* effects on your digestive system (it's been known to induce diarrhea). The tolerance level is likely different for all sorts of people, so no hard and fast recommendation for how much to have in a day, but be careful when you start deciding to replace lots of snacks with gum.0 -
Mothers will mother you from the time they first become aware that they are carrying you until they pass away. Even then, their words will haunt you the rest of your life.
Some thoughts from a 58 year old woman with a 95 year old very picky mother (who I never could please. Either I was too fat or my hair was too long or she was embarrassed because I was not in a "professional" job, or . . . ):- don't change what you are doing, but make a conscious effort to lessen its effects on your mom. Perhaps don't chew when you two are together or make a real effort to not look like you are chewing. Do you overeat when you are with your mom? Maybe you don't actually need to chew at that time
- whatever their personality quirks are, they will get worse as they age and the filters start falling off. Be prepared
- sometimes they will change, but don't count on it
- treasure the time you are together, because it will end
If you love your mom and want to spend time with her, it might be worth it to make a couple of minor changes in your behavior for the sake of peace. Can you sip on water instead? Get a double walled tumbler with a straw and have that with you or take a bottle when you are shopping.
I no longer bring up politics or respond to her political comments. It keeps peace in our conversation.0
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