Nit-picky people

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  • RiseHigher
    RiseHigher Posts: 64 Member
    I have no problems with Xylitol in gum. I've been chewing it for a long time.

    Actually, at my Mom's house she is a snack-a-holic. There is food all over the place so it's actually worse lol.

    I'm not going to lie, just be real: I don't like saying this but she can be sort of a toxic person. Not all the time, she has good qualities too. The thing is the other siblings don't ever visit her or do much so I have taken on a lot of the responsibility, so I feel a lot of it gets deflected to me.

    I just found out the house next door, which was for sale, just sold to a woman in her 70s. This makes me feel better about moving away but also the woman may be someone my Mom can relate to better and thus can talk to and let out whatever she holds in. Right now she may hold a lot in not having someone her age with whom she can relate and talk to.

    Honestly, I just dislike conflict in general. It makes me feel unwell. Today during my run instead of dwelling on the conflict (I spoke with her this morning and she was still stand-offish), I actually just repeated affirmations to myself from Louise Hay: "I love and accept myself." This made me feel better about the whole situation (beyond just the gum) than dwelling on the issue. Because in the end, her criticizing the gum, way I look, things I do etc basically comes down to that, and maybe is why it bothers me so much.

    And to the person who asked if we live in the USA: We do, but my Mom was born in Japan. She has not lived there in decades, however in Japan if someone does something socially unacceptable it reflects on the whole family especially the mother. So maybe that plays into it too. If she feels the gum chewing in public is not acceptable (even though SHE does it too) she may be having flashbacks to that. I thought of that today as well.
  • caroldavison332
    caroldavison332 Posts: 864 Member
    I am sorry that someone is treating you disrespectfully. Even your mother has no right to do so.

    1. Consider saying "Mom, I feel offended when you tell me not to chew gum/criticize by driving/dis on my boyfriend, etc. Eventually I will choose to not visit with you to avoid these bad feelings." Wait for a response.

    2. Consider DROPPING HER OFF at church/book club/weight watchers/etc where she can meet friends and spending less time with her.
  • Zombella
    Zombella Posts: 491 Member
    I'm sorry, but I disagree with the "don't do it while you are with her" thing. Doing that just gives into her power and takes power away from you. I think people who don't have a family member that is like this won't understand.
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
    Zombella wrote: »
    I'm sorry, but I disagree with the "don't do it while you are with her" thing. Doing that just gives into her power and takes power away from you. I think people who don't have a family member that is like this won't understand.

    She is almost 80 and is her mother. I think a few concessions can be made out of respect. Yes, I have a family member who is like her (even worse in some ways).

  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,868 Member
    Just move and see her less. She won't change now and seems to drag you down. Adult family members don't always get along. Some distance can help. This may be why your siblings choose not to spend more time with her.
  • Backagainbbg3
    Backagainbbg3 Posts: 35 Member
    RiseHigher wrote: »
    I chew gum to help with my weight loss. It sounds silly but it stops me from chewing on food and sometimes it causes me to forget I am even hungry until my next meal.

    My Mom, however, regularly nit-picks me about me chewing gum in public (I'm 42 years old, btw). Sometimes she will even put out her hand for me to spit the gum out, like I am 5 years old. I don't do that, obviously, and have expressed my disinterest in her comments. She gets mad at me, saying she's, "Just trying to help or she wouldn't say anything," and acts like I am overreacting and I'm the one who is acting poorly.

    I admit chewing gum in public isn't the best habit in the world (SHE does it too, though). However, it gets super old, and I feel like I can't say anything back because then I'm the problem again.

    I feel like she's frustrated about something else and looking for a way to take it out on me. If I ask her that, she denies it.

    As an aside, she also picks on my driving. Which is also frustrating, because normally when we're together, I'm driving HER to the grocery store or to run errands, etc. The last time I said, "You know you could always drive if you don't like the way I do it." She got mad at that, of course.

    Just wondering what anyone else does. I guess I could ignore it but it gets old esp when she says it in a way that demands a response. This just occurred again, for example. I even explained why I chew gum, but regardless now she's all mad and there's tension. I totally don't need to be stressed/confronted about something innocuous that is helping me lose weight!!

    When things I do get on people's nerves, whether it's warranted or not, I usually just say "ahhhh you'll be just fine"
    It either pisses them off, they laugh, or they confused
  • RiseHigher
    RiseHigher Posts: 64 Member
    The thought crossed my mind today that perhaps she is trying to sabotage me, even if subconsciously. I know that is strange to say. But for one, she's been complaining that her clothes are too tight and she's gaining too much weight. At the same time, I've been losing weight and it shows. She hasn't ever really liked my weight loss efforts to begin with. She knows I chew the gum to help weight loss too.

    Second, my brother-in-law mentioned how people who aren't happy often can't stand to see other people happy, either. So they do their best to bring them down to their level. I know she has done this in other ways in the past.

    Like today, I have a few projects at her house - a table I am refinishing as well as I'm installing an over the counter microwave for her and a new electric oven. The projects were going OK but I've been running over 100 miles a week for an upcoming important marathon. This is more mileage than I've ever done, and didn't expect it would draw so much of my time/energy. Anyway, the project work has slowed I will admit, but today she told me she was going to go around and donate all these things - the table, brand new microwave, etc - that are just "hanging around." I know she was doing it to spite me, as she had still been obviously mad since the gum incident yesterday.

    I said, "So what about all the work I've already done? My marathon as I said is in just over two weeks and I'll have more time. I just ran more wire yesterday. Did I just waste all that time??" She conceded but seemed pretty pleased with herself that she was able to get under my skin and upset me. It annoyed me. So then today I felt obligated to work on the projects, when I was already tired from over 20 miles to put in today with the other things I am doing as well.

    I dunno. I felt like blasting a YouTube video about "Toxic People," so she would hear it, but refrained LOL.


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