Struggling

stina72682
stina72682 Posts: 6 Member
edited November 24 in Motivation and Support
I'm writing this hoping for motivation and just to get my deepest feelings of darkness out there.

I feel alone.

I wasn't always morbidly obese. I guess life happened. It started with the "freshman 15" and a few years after college my mom died. Nobody understood what I was going through and I turned to food for comfort. Before I knew it the scale showed 350lbs. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I avoid pictures. I worry about fitting into movie theater seats, dining booths, stadium seats at sporting events, etc. I even worry about walking between vehicles in parking lots. Will I fit? When I'm driving I wonder if the driver's side of my car rides lower to the ground than the passenger side. I find that I have spurts of motivation but then feel like it's hopeless and give up. Most days I feel like it's too late for me so why even bother? I know, everyone will say, "it's never too late" but I still feel that way. I'm 33 and would love to get married and have a family but that dream is so far away that by the time I get there it will be too late.

Through my weight gain I had a boyfriend who loved me unconditionally and didn't care about my weight. We are no longer together because we grew apart and he just wasn't "the one". A few years ago my dad told me that he admired my boyfriend for staying with me because most men would have left. My heart still breaks remembering those words. I feel like I'm not even good enough for my own father. I know, I should just ignore what he says but he's my dad. Your dad is supposed to love you and think you're beautiful no matter what.

So, here I am, trying to find motivation and keep it; trying to find self worth.

I realize this was a long post so for those of you who made it to the end, thank you for reading my story. I'm so very grateful for any advice and encouragement you have to offer.

-Christina

Replies

  • falleninlove22
    falleninlove22 Posts: 2 Member
    Where are you located? Find me on Facebook my name is Ashley Craven, it's a picture of me and my boyfriend right now, I would love to help you stay motivated, I need to help myself sometimes my email address is falleninlove90@gmail.com in case you can't find me through my name
  • OsricTheKnight
    OsricTheKnight Posts: 340 Member
    Hi Christina

    You can do this! Glad you found MFP and you'll find a lot of help and support here, of all kinds.

    My brand of help and support is about data, facts, and plain old 'focus on the goal'. You can read about my way of thinking about weight here.

    Since you're weighing in at 300+ initial loss will be very fast for you. I find that motivating for me, hope you find the same. Send me a private message if you'd like to be friends / if you're interested in a simple track your weight approach to loss.

    Also take the time to read the stickies, meet other people (who might be more to your liking than I) and find your way.

    Lastly, it's just all about calories. Eating less ... sounds so hard, but it can be not so bad once you're used to it. For me it takes just a few days to get into the swing of a reduced calorie meal plan, and then the momentum of it can carry me pretty far. Good luck!

    Osric
  • joone_9
    joone_9 Posts: 152 Member
    I still have much of those thoughts and far from perfect (just started my program again after a hiatus and binging!) but will tell you that I am much much happier when I'm working towards what I want...and part of that is losing weight and getting fit. Just start, do anything..just walk or eat one less chip and trust me..you will be proud of yourself and get hooked as soon as you see progress (you just need to stick with it long enough to see progress)! The more you focus on going out and gettin what you want...the other stuff (finding the one etc ) will happen naturally. Just count those calories, enter everything you eat and start moving. If you can, try to find a friend to work out with or come on here and share and chat. Add me as a friend...always happy to have more!
  • stina72682
    stina72682 Posts: 6 Member
    Thanks, ladies. I appreciate it.
  • Chessie28804
    Chessie28804 Posts: 78 Member
    You can absolutely do this. You are a strong and beautiful women. All your dreams will come true. You can lose the weight, learn to love yourself again. Let go of what your dad said, that had to be painful , but you can prove him wrong. You got this!
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    Have you ever been in therapy? If not, this is where I would start. If eating was your coping mechanism with stress and grief so far, a therapist could help you.
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