Yesterday, on my way home

smithie092015
smithie092015 Posts: 56 Member
edited November 24 in Motivation and Support
It never surprises me when it happens, there's a strange narrowing of focus. I know I'm going to binge. At first it almost feels like a choice. I can almost pretend its just a splurge. It's slow enough that its eating. I'm hungry enough that its eating. I can taste it still. But then it gets faster and more frantic. It starts to feel uncomfortable and even painful. The taste is gone, the sense is gone. Its not eating anymore. I don't know what it is, but it is so far removed from nourishment that it can't even claim that verb.

I had 2/3 of a package of Oreos walking home from work. One after the other, sometimes taking bites, sometimes shoving the whole thing in my mouth. I wonder if anyone could see what was happening, I wonder if I looked crazed? I felt that way, digging into my bag again and again and again. I think the repetition is what kills me. So many chances to stop my behavior, but I just kept going. Is each cookie its own failure? Or when did it become a failure? The third cookie? The fifth? Or the first? Furtively, secretly digging cookies out of my bag while walking home...WTF? Checking my face in my camera phone to see if I had crumbs at the corners of my mouth or in my teeth...WTFFFFFF????? That's not eating! That.is.not.eating. Why didn't I just put two out on a napkin and have them in an enjoyable way, you know, like while sitting down??? Maybe with some water or a coffee? Maybe with my fiancé? He likes Oreos, it would have been a chance to talk about our days.

Two good things: I threw away 1/3 of that package. The act of throwing it away feels meaningful. Eventually, I actively stopped myself. And I told. I told my fiance. He wasn't disgusted, so I don't have to be disgusted. I don't have to like it, and I can be disappointed. But I can move on. I went for a run this morning. I ate a good breakfast, I brought homemade soup for lunch and an apple for a snack. I feel good today, and I think its because I told. So I'm telling here too. Because it happened and because its over.

Replies

  • ilovecereal1982
    ilovecereal1982 Posts: 1,194 Member
    Question. ...first off..this was a good read! Ok now soooo you mention reaching into a bag...was this a pre made bag if oreos or did you find a place that sells them in bags? ??? What am I missing out on and where can I get them??? Secondly. ..if they were bagged maybe you are pertaining to mini oreos??? In which case don't feel bad...one night I poured a bag of them in a bowl..poured in some milk....and holy ..moly...it ....was....so...delicious.
  • Tblackdogs
    Tblackdogs Posts: 326 Member
    I agree that actively stopping the behavior and then telling someone about it are both really good things! Awareness of our bad habits is so important. I don't know anything about your situation but thanks for sharing this experience here. It shows us that we are not the only ones to eat improperly sometimes. For me it was finishing off the tub of frosting in my freezer last night. Fortunately there wasn't that much to begin with but I definitely felt gross when I finished and my stomach hurt. I told my husband and kids that I felt like crud because I ate too much frosting and it made me feel much better that it wasn't a secret.
  • Devol82
    Devol82 Posts: 80 Member
    That has happened with me with girl scout cookies. The whole time I am thinking wtf am I doing here. Great job on moving on from it. Inspiring.
  • janiep81
    janiep81 Posts: 248 Member
    I could have written this! I would have found it more difficult to throw away that last 1/3 of the package than to not start in the first place - so way to go! And thanks for sharing something many of us know all too well. I'm glad you seized the opportunity of a fresh start on a new day. ...and just because your language sounds familiar to me... I have found hope in Overeaters Anonymous.
  • smithie092015
    smithie092015 Posts: 56 Member
    ilovecereal1982 wrote: »
    Question. ...first off..this was a good read! Ok now soooo you mention reaching into a bag...was this a pre made bag if oreos or did you find a place that sells them in bags? ??? What am I missing out on and where can I get them??? Secondly. ..if they were bagged maybe you are pertaining to mini oreos??? In which case don't feel bad...one night I poured a bag of them in a bowl..poured in some milk....and holy ..moly...it ....was....so...delicious.

    Ah sorry for the false hope! The Oreos were in the standard packaging. The bag I was dipping into was just the tote bag I was carrying them in. And mini Oreos and milk sounds fantastic!
  • ilovecereal1982
    ilovecereal1982 Posts: 1,194 Member
    Oooooh got ya. Tote bag oreos.....Yeah as I was eating it I was like.. .what is happening right now. ..why is nothing on tv at 1am and how good will this milk taste when I'm done!!!
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
    I think everybody on earth could have written your post and has been through that exact thing!!!

    About a month or so ago, I went on an errand about an hour away, and the truck stop had a cinnabon station and I got a 6 pack "for the family". Then about a week later, I was still really craving them, and went and got a 4-pack for myself. I had 2 the first day, and 2 the second day.

    The month before then had been a binge-extravaganza. Anything/everything from Pizza, to the brownies/cookies some of the pizza places are now selling, to the cinnabons, to countless cookies from Perkins and/or Paradise Bakery/Cafe. Most under the guise of being "for the family".

    About 2 weeks ago, I finally kicked myself hard enough that I started logging and taking better steps towards weight loss again. Lost 4.5 pounds these last 2 weeks, and am just beginning 3rd week. They say it takes 3 weeks to make a habit....let's see what happens!

    Good job on moving on - fantabulous job on owning up to it. Thanks for posting - makes me feel not quite so "abnormal" or unusual. :)
  • smithie092015
    smithie092015 Posts: 56 Member
    @Tblackdogs I wish I would have learned the lesson about secrets earlier. It really doesn't serve us to have secret shame about food. I'm working on that :smile:
    @janiep81 Thank you for the OA recommendation. I will check that out.
    @Devol82 I appreciate your words of support! It is honestly really meaningful to me to read the kind comments.
  • SuggaD
    SuggaD Posts: 1,369 Member
    I have been there. I have been analyzing this behavior, because it was not something I ever did before losing weight. And what I learned was it was all related to too low calorie intake over multiple days. Because I did actually feel hungry and that is what starts it and then I keep eating because I don't feel full even though I've eaten a crazy amount of calories. Something to think about.
  • cookiealbright
    cookiealbright Posts: 605 Member
    I'm really glad you wrote about this. For me it's chips and lately peppermint patties. I'll be eating some then I can't stop even though I tell myself "that's enough" my hand is reaching into the bag again. Then I feel guilty and fat. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm not doing this today. I did have some chips with lunch (pre-measured in a bag from home) and I won't buy peppermint patties anymore. I'm striving for self-control.
  • cocates
    cocates Posts: 360 Member
    Great post. Great story. Like someone else said, we all could have written this...because it has happened to all of us at some point. It happened to me last week. I'm a 'chips' person. I'm taking baby steps...with that binge, at least I had the foresight to weigh & log it. All the while saying, I'm full. I don't need this. But I really want it right now. My mind was made up. Afterwards, I felt so stuffed. Me telling MFP, was to just log it and move on. Before, if that happened, I wouldn't have been honest with myself or MFP because I was ashamed. I wouldn't have told. Thank you for sharing!
  • rats2010
    rats2010 Posts: 79 Member
    This sounds like me and the box of Halloween sprinkled Little Debbie Snack Cakes my husband bought me. :| Ate the whole box in one sitting. THE. WHOLE. BOX. 10 cakes. I was miserable sick feeling for 24 hrs after and I deserved it. But hey, my calories were definitely under the line for the next few days and I now know those CANNOT come back into the house. I told.. my husband, at work, logged it.. it helps!
  • thingeringer
    thingeringer Posts: 241 Member
    Been there. Done that. Like many others, the accountability of logging seems to be the only thing that really helps me avoid more frequent occurrences.
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