My Secret Misery

My Secret Misery
Posted on 10/07/2015 by greenhumanclay

Hey everyone,


This is my first forum post in a while and I'm excited! Not even sure if what I'm about to divulge is interesting to anybody but nevertheless I am.

First off I seriously never understood the impact Myfitnesspal would have on my life. From a chubby but cute girl surfing the internet looking for some kind of tool to help her lose weight to now training to be a trainer. If someone would've have told me when I first started this journey back in January 2011 that I would eventually want to pursue a career in fitness I would have laughed, ha ha ya right. My state of mind was just to lose some weight because my flight back from visiting my family in Texas was depressing. I literally held in my pee the whole flight, granted it was only 2.5 hours but for those who know me, know I have a weak bladder. Anyways that propelled me to want to lose a few pounds not sure how much, how little or anything ,I actually didn't even know what I weighed or how over weight I really was, but apparently I was OBESE anything over 30 pounds is obese, so you could say I aced that with flying colors. Clocking in at 177 pounds I was shocked. (*disclaimer this was 4 weeks after I started my journey so I was a solid 180+ easy.) Btw I'm 5'0 on a good day!

What started off as logging food seemed time consuming, meticulous, annoying and a little weird to see what I ate. A few days of tracking I realized DAMN I eat a lot of cheese and bread ha ha . So I slowly began to cut back on the amount I ate because honestly I knew I was never giving that up, in fact I eat cheese EVER SINGLE DAY! no LIE!! I then realized I was eating about 3,000 calories and was always feeling sleepy especially mid day. I started cutting back to 2,500, 2,000, 1,700, 1,500 then 1,200 because a few months into it and successfully and consistently losing 1 pound a week for almost 6 months I started seeing calories more of a game as far as how low can I go without ever seeing numbers in the RED zone. I became quite good at that.

Fast forward to 65 pounds lost and fitting into a size 0-2 with low body fat, I was in this now what do I do, people are no longer complimenting me because they accustomed to my weight loss and I literally can't loss more weight since I'm doing cardio at least 2 hours a day and eating very little. I was also addicted to running I say addicted because it was more of how can I burn the most calories in the least amount of time, so RUNNING was the answer it became the most efficient way my body could burn the most calories. I started with C25K but of course it took me longer to finish than the program recommended. I started increasing my runs to 3-4xs per week to 5-6 times per week, to double runs in the same day to eventually 10-15 mile runs each on the weekends with goals of running 125-150 miles per month. I wasn't training for anything specifically I just enjoyed the insane calories I burned. Along came knee pain, sore feet, blisters, messed up toe nails even with proper fitted expensive shoes.

After leaving a very stressful job only to find out the new job was not as promised, I was unemployed for about 4 months and being a binge eater, emotional stress eater I gained back some weight and felt very out of control for 8 months or so of continuously gaining weight I shot back up to 141 pounds from my lowest weight of 112. December of 2014 I was devastated not because I gained weight but because I never accepted myself I tore myself apart I became depressed, I felt incredibly fat, disgusting, unhappy and like a failure. I know my mental health (I use that loosely) was falling apart. I seriously thought I had body dysmorphia and read so many damn books on eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and self help books I was going coo coo, only to come to terms with, I need to really snap out of this *kitten* and get my life together. Looking back I realized I knew I had lost weight I just never realized that losing so much weight would affect me mentally. No one tells you that when you lose weight you may or may not mentally accept yourself, and may or may not have an even more challenging time managing that piece of the puzzle. I battled with this for at least 3 years. Only opening up to my closest friends but even then limiting my info so they wouldn't think I was crazy or obsessive with this topic. Thinking with time it 'd sort itself out but it never did. I enjoyed fitness and food for all the wrong reasons, never had a healthy relationship with food. It's like people with drug problems can quit using drugs I CAN'T QUIT eating food.

This past year has been eye opening in regards to really putting my life in perspective and making life changes and really being balanced in all aspects. From clean eating which I hate that term a little bit because who the *kitten* knows what that even really means and who decides what is clean even if it's organically grown, to paleo, low carb, bro diet, zone diet, raw diet, just a bunch of *kitten* propaganda. Sorry if I offend not my intention. So my goal now is to eat anything and everything I want within moderation because we all know how *kitten* hard that term is, to just simply choosing to live a HAPPY healthy life. I like to run and actually enjoy it now and at a much slower pace and I stop and take photos and say to people, to hiking, lifting, yoga, dance classes, outdoors workouts, to crossfit you name it I'll try and most likely enjoy it. I love ALL FITNESS so I no longer fit into a box, I eat flexible and exercise according to my goals without punishing myself into thinking I must go to the gym. Learning how to fuel your body properly and how your body responds to exercise has really been a blessing in disguise I now am learning the tools to have control and manage myself but better yet help others out as well.

WOW this was more of a rant than anything but after getting in a car accident this morning and staying home, I decided this was a good idea thanks for reading, Cheers to healthy eating, donuts, pizza and all fitness whether it's a simple walk or a crazy crossfit workout, no one is better than anyone else to each their own!! BTW it was my fault for being negligent and drinking coffee everyone is OK! I'm just a bit sore.

Add me on IG: Mysocalledfitness1221 for motivation, recipes, and a small glimpse of my lifestyle!!