I need help getting my life back.

I totally understand. Break ups can send us over the edge sometimes.
You may have gained muscle while working with that trainer. Which is a good thing & doesn't always reflect your hard work on the scale, but it does in the mirror & the way your close fit.

Since you said you don't know where to start, I'm gonna help make this cheap & simple to get going NOW:

1. Move your body everyday (break a sweat, youtube video workouts, store bought workout dvd's, or just 20minutes of jumping jacks or running, etc)
2. Measure or way everything you put in your mouth & log it. (Try & make some of the foods you eat contain high fiber; beans, vegetables, lentils, etc)
3. When in doubt, STOP, either move your body or go to sleep.

You can do this, I believe in you. No excuses. You started 23 years ago, now just adjust some things.

Sticking with it is the most important thing. Never give up on yourself

I started my journey at 23 and obese. I'm down 84lbs now and almost at goal. Just start by making small changes and stick to your daily calories.

I sent you a friend request

I agree with everything everyone else has mentioned. The only thing I would add is that it sounds like there is some emotional stuff going on too since you stated that you try to love yourself but you don't. I would encourage you to connect with a counselor/therapist to get to the bottom of that.

kallemann67 wrote: »

Binging on twelve apples was better than binging on twelve candy bars.

Wow..I never thought of it like that. I just beat myself up for binging on anything at all. That's a great insight, thank you!

I went through something similar where I had a large amount of weight gain when I was in my 20's. (about 80-100lbs) Coupled with depression. Had been super thin all my life without trying. I tried many diets including food diaries, Atkins, shakes, went vegetarian, juice cleansing and had some minimal success but would gain back when I wasn't starving myself. I ended up having a host of issues. Some of the causes were related eventually to first CFS then probable lyme disease( and arthritis from the lyme disease) and poly cystic ovaries. Additionally my iron was super low. And I had a hard time tolerating iron supplements which only compounded the problem since I was so exhausted. Oh and super bad migraines. Multiple times they were sure I had some type of auto immune disease but could never really figure it out.
All during this time I was raising my son. There were periods (years) family members lived at my place. Helping raise my niece. Years went by and I was just holding it together and doing the best I could but really just surviving. Some days just going to work and making sure we had clean clothes and food on the table were all I was capable of. There were periods of time I would sometimes just come home and fall asleep within an hour. I am now in my early 40's and things progressed to the point where I had more days with migraines then without and I was getting massive allergic rashes all the time. And frankly I felt like crap.
I had always known about healthy eating. Had been eating grass fed and free range at that point the processed food and sugar/ starch was still there. Then something happened that changed my life. I had already decided, once again that that I would concentrate on getting healthy because I could not keep on the road I was on. A lot of people that I helped and lived with me moved away . I had the time to take care of me. And since I was not living with any kids or picky eaters I could change and control what foods came into the house. I went for an internist appointment. The doctors office had moved and they sent me to a new Dr. who had been part of the practice but who I had never seen. This moment changed my life. He basically said I was starved of nutrients and if I could stick it out he could help me. He sent out a lot of bloodwork and told me a pretty basic diet plan.

Eliminate all sugars, breads, baked goods, artificial sweeteners, no processed foods, no white rice, no wheat bread, no candy.
-no artificial sweeteners other then stevia ( can use a little agave sometimes if needed)
drink lemon water throughout the day. This helps to alkaline your blood. This needs to be from fresh lemons.
NO PROCESSED FOOD
each meal should consist of Protein (fish, chicken, turkey, eggs, seafood, and raw vegetables salads.
Basically I take a paleo and whole 30 type of approach.
No processed seems easy until you realize that mayonnaise and basically all condiments and salad dressing are full of sugar, are processed and full of bad oil.
SOOOO.......I make my own mayo with a stick blender and olive oil ( I do use the light tasting kind which is not as good but I am going to try to mix my regular virgin olive oil with coconut or avacodo oil.
NO DAIRY. when I eat dairy I get super hungry and start to crave crazy foods and gain. Think about it ,the purpose of dairy is to make little calves huge cows quickly.

Skip forward. I have been eating this way for about 2 months and I feel great. I have lost about 20 lbs and honestly I haven't even started my workout plan yet but am starting today. ( I have been more a little more active but not anything drastic or a formal routine) I feel like I eat more calories then I have on the other diets but my body is not starving and I am eating real food. I have done well with spices and seasonings. ( I was always a foodie so I grow a lot of fresh) Have made my own low/no sugar condiments. There are so many whole 30 and paleo recipes out there it is easy to find things you like. I just substitute things like almond flour for bread crumbs for crab and salmon cakes and make my own mayo , spicy mayo, pickles. tarter sauce, balsamic and olive oil dressing, turkey sausage. ( my favorite recipes for sausage is from Queen of the Red Double Wide - I just substitute turkey for pork) If you experiment with spices and marinades made from good ingredients being without the dairy and easy condiments doesn't seem so bad. Since coconut is a good fat I also make red thai curry at least once a week. Honestly some of the homemade stuff is so good I don't know why I wasn't making it before.
When I went for my recheck I was able to add back in beef. ( I use grass fed) and I do use some grass fed butter or ghee sometimes. And I can have some occasional potatoes. I steam a lot of vegetables but have found a lot of fresh already cut up ones at trader joes .Does it take extra time and effort? YES. Additionally I had to go on some supplements PROBIOTICS, IRON, COD LIVER OIL, MAGNESIUM, VITAMIN D, and ZINC. I still have some problems with the iron supplements sometimes but I am getting better.
Frankly in the beginning I had to let some other things go. I was experimenting with food a lot and was working a lot so sometimes my kitchen was kind of a mess. I am usually a laundry fanatic and I was down to wearing mis-matched socks. During the weekend I would make a lot of my homemade items for the week and shop and find new things. And the first few days I felt horrible. But I had been through that feeling before when I had juice cleansed so I knew it would pass. I honestly think my blood sugar dipped because I had been relying on sugar and caffeine to get me through the day. But after the first few days I felt better, (not as good as now but better) people mentioned how good my skin looked and that I looked "different".
I don't know if the additives in the food or/and the sugar was making me sick. I do know I feel better. I have more energy. I am losing weight and barely have headaches anymore. And just so you know any diet or diet change you always loose a lot of "water weight" in the first week or so and then it slows down. Don't get discouraged by this.
I know this is lengthy but I really wish in my case I would have figured this out in my 20's. I think all the diets I did try made me more depressed and discouraged. When I started this change it was more about feeling good then losing weight. And I think you should also try to take that approach. Fast and furious diets are not able or realistic to be maintained. And you usually gain more weight back. When you think about it we didn't have all these processed foods before and a lot of foods have changed due to pestisides , GMO's. and factory farming.

I hope you find a way that works for you. If you are like me it is probably hard to put yourself first. And it is so easy to grab something fast and convenient that you think is relatively healthy. And one last thing. Plan what you are going to eat and prep for it. The hardest time is when you are hungry and have to try to figure out what to eat and make something quick. If that happens try a little almond butter or an apple to hold you over until you figure it out and make something healthy.
Good luck to everyone out there!