It's been a battle

The past, let's say month possibly two? It's been a struggle. I was doing really well at 1400 calories per day two lose 2 pounds a week. From there I was losing an average 1.5 lbs a week (2 lbs here, 1 lb there, it averaged out). Today I stand before the mfp community 47 pounds lighter than I was in the beginning. Huge huge HUGE achievement. Yet I've been faltering.

I can see why they say that those who lose weight typically gain it all back and more. I'm trying my damnest not to reach that point, I've come too far, invested too much time. It's hard though. It all started once I increased my deficit for the first time. It's like those extra 200 calories opened some sort of floodgate. More sugar and coffee at work left me barely meeting my goals, if I did at all. It was getting difficult. Then there's the fact that I was taking food from work home more and sharing it less; that was out of spite of my family who was upsetting me at the time but then the trend continued. Even having snacks I used to be able to keep in the house and occasionally have began to stress me out.

That's where I realized I was starting to obsess over food. I thought a food scale would make me feel better; that way I would know exactly how much I was eating, track it accurately, pre-portion my snacks, and everything would be good. Nope. That was probably a mistake. I think it made me obsess over food even more.

Another change was the placement of my desk at home. It's closer to a clock. And somehow that has also messed me up. Because now it's so easy to glance up and say, "oh hey, I haven't eaten in x hours, guess it's time to eat." Which is strange cause I never looked at it like that before. I would always either wait for my mom to cook or until I was hungry; whichever came first. Now I'm letting time dictate whether I'm hungry or not. If I could move it back to where I used to have my desk or cover or move the clock I'm sure I'd be fine but it's not mine.

It's scaring me. I'm trying to delve back into this as if it were day one. I keep telling myself I kicked my dependence on soda so I can do this. But the past week or two I've noticed I've been physically ill to my stomach. Maybe because I'm trying to reregulate my body and it's rejecting those notions. I don't know. But it's really hard.

I considered just not logging anymore, but after the first day of that notion I at least wrote down what I was eating and logged it because it was off the charts bad so I don't think I can do that or I really will gain it all back. I weigh myself tomorrow but I'm half tempted not to. I'm trying to tell myself not to freak out if I gained cause I can lose it again but it's just so difficult. I also try to tell myself it could be 100% worse if I didn't exercise everyday and log what I eat; because then I wouldn't have any sense of control over my intake and I wouldn't be burning off at least some of the excess.

I just kind of needed to get all these thoughts out there. I'm fine if you guys wanna throw some advice or whatever my way, advice and motivation would probably do me some good.