Shame, motivation, and why I won't quit

alyssarenea1996
alyssarenea1996 Posts: 90 Member
in Motivation and Support
The past couple days have been hard for me. I have been struggling with my health quite a bit, but I have managed to still log everything I have put into my body and stay close or under my calories. I’ve been more motivated since I realized I won’t reach my goals unless I’m doing this for me. I don’t want to fail. My thought for the day is: are any of the rest of you embarrassed to tell people your starting weight? I don’t think Cody, my fiancé, ever realized how heavy I actually am. He seems to think I weigh less than his 145 pounds when actually I was 63 pounds heavier than him at the start of this journey. Cody is a really good guy, he makes me very happy, but he has made rude comments about his ex’s weight. That scares me. I would never want him to find out how much I weighed until I reach my goal weight of 130 pounds. I’m proud of myself, I have lost a little over 8 pounds in 25 days – putting me just under 200 pounds, I reached a mini goal. Yet, I don’t want to tell him my goal weight or my starting weight because I wouldn’t want him to judge me. The world is really harsh on weight. We look down upon people who are obese or even a little curvy, we think before we can even stop ourselves “how did they let themselves get like that?” but we find out it sneaks up on you. We find ourselves reaching for more food even when we are so full are stomachs are tight. We find ourselves avoiding mirrors, pictures, shopping, anything where we would actually have to face our weight. We turn a blind eye to our own weight and harshly judge the strangers while shopping for more food! I choose to stop that cycle. Ever since I was a child I have always been envious of the little skinny girls. I remember even is middle school I was so jealous of the girls that could wear short-shorts and bikinis when I was too embarrassed for anyone to ever see my legs. I have large thighs with cellulite so I’ve never wanted anyone to ever see. I hate to place the blame for my low self-esteem on anyone, but I have always been taught that my body needed to be hidden. Even as a child I was taught to wear long skirts, jeans, and shorts that went past my knees. Anytime I wanted to wear shorts or a bikini it was always met with a disappointed look. So, finally I want to beat that. I want to be strong.

Replies

  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    You CAN be strong! Keep working at it. You're on the right path already.

    Are the comments from your fiance about his ex recent? Also, have you always been this weight since you've known him? Just curious if you've gained weight since you've been together and his comments are a passive-aggressive way of trying to tell you something. If so, that is WRONG on his part, but unfortunately common.

    Don't get too caught up with the numbers. Congrats on reaching your mini goal! Keep track of your starting weight just to track your progress. That number is no one else's business.

    Most of us look back at our childhood and wish something was different. However, if it was, you wouldn't be where you are today. Unlearning the body-shaming habits you were raised with takes time, but they CAN be over come. You are an adult now. YOU decide what you wear and what you look good in. All that past stuff is irrelevant now.
  • alyssarenea1996
    alyssarenea1996 Posts: 90 Member
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    You CAN be strong! Keep working at it. You're on the right path already.

    Are the comments from your fiance about his ex recent? Also, have you always been this weight since you've known him? Just curious if you've gained weight since you've been together and his comments are a passive-aggressive way of trying to tell you something. If so, that is WRONG on his part, but unfortunately common.

    Don't get too caught up with the numbers. Congrats on reaching your mini goal! Keep track of your starting weight just to track your progress. That number is no one else's business.

    Most of us look back at our childhood and wish something was different. However, if it was, you wouldn't be where you are today. Unlearning the body-shaming habits you were raised with takes time, but they CAN be over come. You are an adult now. YOU decide what you wear and what you look good in. All that past stuff is irrelevant now.

    I have always been larger, but I gained about 20 pounds since we've started dating. My Nana always tells me "fat and happy", which doesn't help things at all. Thank you :)
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,474 Member
    cute pic of you both with the dogs!!, well,,,focus,, have strength and motivation and kick butt,,, life is what you make it,,, do you want to be a hottie? then go for it.... make it happen. you can do it!
  • alyssarenea1996
    alyssarenea1996 Posts: 90 Member
    KANGOOJUMPS wrote: »
    cute pic of you both with the dogs!!, well,,,focus,, have strength and motivation and kick butt,,, life is what you make it,,, do you want to be a hottie? then go for it.... make it happen. you can do it!

    Thank you! My favorite quote so far has been "Do it for the holy *kitten* you got hot!"
  • andygabrielle
    andygabrielle Posts: 2 Member
    Oh my goodness I totally feel you on having such a sweet boyfriend and not wanting to mention or talk about weight. I have gained a total of 33 pounds since I've started dating him, and everyone says it's because you're in love but it's also so because of my lack of self control. His father is an ex body builder, his mother is an organic healthy all around person and he has three sisters who are all fit. He obviously is fit, and makes me t+at much more insecure. I need the accountability and support group of success with people who weren't born
  • andygabrielle
    andygabrielle Posts: 2 Member
    Having already these fit great genes
  • revolucia78
    revolucia78 Posts: 196 Member
    edited October 2015
    I can totally relate to what you're going through! I have a boyfriend who makes not-so-nice comments about his ex's weight and he thinks that I'm only about 150 (his own guess, which is way off!). I tell him to not look when I step on the scale because he doesn't need to know.

    I always had horrible self-esteem issues, even when I was younger, for many reasons so I always obsessed with hiding under my clothes (even when looking back I was not overweight just made to believe it). My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years (and multiple fluctuations in weight, smaller when I met him, gained a lot, lost about 25, gained it back and some and now where I am) and he doesn't and hasn't ever known my true weight but always tells me that I would be beautiful no matter what.

    Even though my boyfriend makes those comments about her weight, it's purely out of resentment and frustration from their relationship (not actually anything to do with her weight). He has kids with her and so she is part of our life regardless. I don't know your situation but that could be where your boyfriend is coming from - it may be residual anger/etc. and not actually the way he would see others.

    Anyways, all this is to say that we all can be strong because it is about us, it's about you. Life happens and partners/friends will come and go. The ones that do stick around are the ones that look at us and love us - no matter what because they don't see our weight, regardless of what it is. The way they see us will never affect the way that we see ourselves until we learn that we are worth it. BZAH makes a great point - the past is irrelevant. At the end of the day, we are left with ourselves and we are all worth the time and energy into making sure that we take care of ourselves and see ourselves the way that people that love us do - unconditionally.
  • alyssarenea1996
    alyssarenea1996 Posts: 90 Member
    @andygabrielle
    @MsMarvel27
    He's just down right rude about his ex girlfriend and as far as he's ever told me it didn't end badly. That's what scares me. A little TMI but he seems to want me a lot less since I've gained weight. So, that doesn't help with my self esteem. I also have a brother-in-law who makes super rude comments to me about my weight and how I look. I've learned to let people like him motivate me. My little sister and my step-sister are both super active and fit. One was a cheerleader and one is a volleyball player who also runs track. They're less than nice to me about my weight too. I used to comfort myself with food when they would say all that stuff to me - now I let it motivate me.
  • revolucia78
    revolucia78 Posts: 196 Member
    alyssarenea1996 wrote: »
    @andygabrielle
    @MsMarvel27
    He's just down right rude about his ex girlfriend and as far as he's ever told me it didn't end badly. That's what scares me. A little TMI but he seems to want me a lot less since I've gained weight. So, that doesn't help with my self esteem. I also have a brother-in-law who makes super rude comments to me about my weight and how I look. I've learned to let people like him motivate me. My little sister and my step-sister are both super active and fit. One was a cheerleader and one is a volleyball player who also runs track. They're less than nice to me about my weight too. I used to comfort myself with food when they would say all that stuff to me - now I let it motivate me.

    Yea, girl, keep channeling it into motivation and (ugh!) I'm sorry to hear that - I have a sister that is like that as well. Many of the "beautiful and fit" girls that I went to high school with are now in the same place I'm in. Weight is something that almost everyone faces at some point, especially as you get older. The difference is that not everyone chooses to do something about it - which you are! I can see clearly from your picture that you are beautiful and you seem like such a nice person too.

    If your relationship is suffering because of how much you weigh, it shouldn't and doesn't need to. When I was younger I used to tell myself that "it was my job to be skinny/look good [insert word here] for my man." No! There are men out there that will still want you no matter how much you weigh. They will still support your weight loss because they want you to be happier and healthier, not because they lose interest when you've gained weight. Just keep that in mind.

    We are women, we are built strong and no amount of weight can change that :)
  • mysteps2beauty
    mysteps2beauty Posts: 493 Member
    alyssarenea1996 wrote: »
    @andygabrielle
    @MsMarvel27
    He's just down right rude about his ex girlfriend and as far as he's ever told me it didn't end badly. That's what scares me. A little TMI but he seems to want me a lot less since I've gained weight. So, that doesn't help with my self esteem. I also have a brother-in-law who makes super rude comments to me about my weight and how I look. I've learned to let people like him motivate me. My little sister and my step-sister are both super active and fit. One was a cheerleader and one is a volleyball player who also runs track. They're less than nice to me about my weight too. I used to comfort myself with food when they would say all that stuff to me - now I let it motivate me.

    Ok, so are you doing this for you, or for them, or for both? If your boyfriend was concerned about your weight, and could not say anything to you about his concerns for your health, then me thinks that even though you shed the weight, he will still have issues with you in some other area. If I'm dating someone who is struggling with something, I would hope to be an example and actually plan some things we can do together to help both of us. Your sister should say something to you along the same lines, that your health and well-being are important to her.

    So yeah, I dated a guy who was not happy about my appearance (I was slender but he wanted to beef me up boobs and all, and me wearing classic styles but him wanting me to wear skimpy revealing outfits, like dude accept me as I am, but I was young, insecure and wanted to please him - ugh....) I did what I could to feed whatever fantasy he had in his head, but at the end of the day, both of us became unhappy because at the root of it all, we weren't right for each other.

    You have to do this for you. Otherwise, you will not be happy, probably cannot sustain it long term, and always wondering what he is thinking about your physique. I would say dump him, but that may be too much for you right now. Soooo...think about your health. Yes, let it motivate you. And yes, take charge of your life, including the relationship with him and your "sisters."
  • alyssarenea1996
    alyssarenea1996 Posts: 90 Member
    @MsMarvel27
    @mysteps2beauty
    I'm doing this for me - but they definitely serve to motivate me and remind me why I'm doing this. :#

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