I've been here so many times before

brandee1212 · November 2015

I haven't used MFP in over a year, and when I did I still would rarely post, but I am getting bogged down in a pity party today, and I need help digging out. This is going to be a long one...

I am 30, soon to be 31. I have been overweight since I was a young child (9 or 10). I have a compulsive eating problem. I have no idea what it's like to not be fat. Even at my thinnest, I was 16 lbs over the top end of normal on the BMI chart (yeah, yeah, I know BMI isn't always an accurate measure of obesity, but my stomach still hung over my pants at that weight, so I was still fat).

I've lost and regained significant chunks of weight (think 80+ lbs) multiple times. And here I am again, 80 lbs overweight, down about 20 lbs in the last 6 weeks, working out twice a day to get ready for a sporting event taking place in one month. I've been working hard, my diet is on point, and this morning I really felt great about getting my workout done early and having my "skinny" jeans fit loosely.

Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the subway window as I was about to exit. My body is so soft and fatty that even these loose jeans somehow nestle themselves right in, creating a big, fat roll in the middle, segmenting me like an insect and giving me a mega-muffin top.

Every good feeling I had about myself and the progress I was making was erased by a realization that even if I've made progress, I'm still fat. Very fat. Look around me and see how much fatter I am than the other people my age fat. I've never shopped in a "regular" store fat. I can't wear a skirt or dress without tights or shorts underneath because my gigantic thighs chafe so much that I'm physically in pain for days later fat. I don't want someone to sit next to me on the train, but they were never going to sit there anyway because my thigh is creeping into the seat next to me, so they choose to sit next to someone skinnier fat. I'm afraid to sit down in the only empty seat on the bus, even though my back is killing me from the bad night of sleep I got, because I'm not sure I will fit in between two people fat. The only time I don't feel invisible is when I feel like I'm an inconvenience fat.

"Fat is just something you are, not who you are." Unless it is.

Ninkyou · November 2015

Think of a butterfly's metamorphosis. It's only a butterfly after slowly changing over time. It's a process.

jenathp · November 2015

I am sorry you're feeling down today, but remember 20 pounds is a great accomplishment. I've only lost 8 on this app so far with a total of one size down in jeans. I've been big since shortly after I had my first child (think 16 years). Some days I feel like it's AWESOME that I'm down a size and am in size I haven't been in for over 15 years...and then I see a picture someone takes of me and I'm like WTF delete that right now and I'm depressed for a day or two. So, I get where you're coming from....trust me I know it sucks when you go to board an airplane and people are walking by thinking "I hope I'm not stuck next to her!" .... Keep up the good work, keep losing and working towards your goals. It's about you, nobody else.

debrakgoogins · November 2015

I'm sorry you're having a bad day but don't let that one bad moment crush your progress. 20 pounds in 6 weeks is truly amazing. You can do this and one day, you'll walk past a window and do a double take because you won't recognize yourself. First thing, stop with the negative self talk. You deserve better. You wouldn't allow one of us to talk about you that way so don't do it to yourself. Take it one day at a time. You got this.

gamesandgains · November 2015

20 lbs in 6 wks is awesome. It took me 16 weeks to lose 20 lbs on my last cut.

bri170lb · November 2015

Oh no, sweetheart! You are wrong! Mistaken! Fooled! Decieved! Confused! Brainwashed!

YOU are not your fat. The fat is just on you.

YOU are that little voice inside you head that knows you are trapped by your eating habits. That little voice that knows there is a better life outside the prison you are in.

You wouldn't tell a drowning person that they were the water, would you?

My story is very similar to yours. I have always been fat, I have lost and gained many times. When I catch a glimpse of myself I am always dissapointed at what I see. I really do understand the embarrassment you feel everyday. One big difference between us is that I am 52 and I really regret not getting tough with myself years ago.

But listen to me...you already know how to fix the problem. You already know HOW to lose the weight. You need to work on the WHY.

You need to do it for YOU. The real you!

YOU ARE WORTH THE TIME. YOU ARE WORTH THE STRUGGLE. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF.

Consider this possibility: Your problem is not the fat. That negative voice (who took over and typed your post for you) is your jailer. You need to tell it, "Screw you. There's no place in my life for you any more."

Set your self up for victory and when you accomplish that victory, use it as ammo to shoot down the voice.

For example: Focus on your calorie goals 1 meal at a time and when you have a victory, CELEBRATE! If you lose a pound, dance, or shout, or cry with joy! If you don't have anyone in your life to celebrate with, post your accomplishment on the NSV page or set up some friends and share with them.

Then you can tell your jailer, "Hell, yes! I can do this, I did it at beakfast!"

Now remember, if you mess up and don't meet your goal, beating yourself is no longer allowed! You just set the next goal and go for it.

I will be happy to hear about every little victory you have and I am sending a friend request. You will not be an inconvenience to me at all.

holly_roman · November 2015

wow 20lbs in 6 weeks! I am on 7 weeks and have been stuck at 11lbs. That is great. Don't let one bad moment get you down.

brandee1212 · November 2015

Thank you, everyone. It's just a tough day. It's easy to get down on yourself when you feel like you've climbed this same mountain over and over, but 10 feet from the top you quit and went back down. Normally I feel proud of little accomplishments. I just am so worn down by working toward a goal that doesn't seem to have an end.

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

jonipecson · November 2015

Let me tell you something, you are not on this weight loss journey alone. I've been through this over and over again as well. You know the biggest part of your success? You don't quit. Keep getting back up, dusting yourself off and saying " I can do this!" One little hiccup in this journey doesn't stop you. Persistence is key and I'm very proud of you. I'm around your age and have been through this struggle as well. I'm 34 yrs old and need to lose a good 80-100 pounds. I'm here for you. Message me some times:)

Moxie42 · November 2015

I'm so glad you shared this! I have been feeling the exact same way- sometimes it seems like all I can think about is how fat I am. It's become an obsession, a really depressing obsession. You'd think that would be motivation to change but instead I eat the feelings and make the situation worse- I think I just don't truly believe in myself...I couldn't even get myself to lose weight for my wedding and I was engaged for 2.5 years...in fact I gained so much that I almost didn't fit into my dress...

What has been helping me is reading success stories and looking at success pictures. Seeing someone similar to me be successful helps me feel like- if they can do it, then that means it IS possible, and that I can do it too. It also reminds me that many (if not most) of the people who have succeeded had the same struggles, and also were off-and-on for a long time.

Being overweight affects so many things, it's hard to see past it sometimes. But think about it- do we value our friends and family based on their sizes? Do we give up on them if they are struggling with something, whether it be weight or quitting smoking, etc.? Nope. We are our harshest critics, and we don't judge anyone as hard as we judge ourselves. Even reading your post, I kept thinking "aw, don't be so hard on yourself"- yet your post is word-for-word how I feel All. The. Time.

You are doing a GREAT job though. You have already proven to yourself that you CAN do this. Now it's just a matter of not giving up.

Feel free to add me if you'd like. It sounds like we have similar struggles and could both use understanding support. I am 32 and also have about 80 lbs to lose.

I've been here so many times before

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