My A-ha Moment

Let me start off by thanking everyone that has helped me in my previous post I made about depression, and the lack of determination I had to "start over" again. I have received countless friend requests today, and I have NEVER in my life, seen such an out pouring of love and selflessness in all my life! Especially on the internet. I love each and everyone of you. With that said, I must share what I have realized tonight. (I posted this on that thread, but it's lost in the cloud and may never come back

I think a lot of over weight people (especially those with overweight spouses, will understand where I'm coming from.)

All my life, I've stayed fat for a reason. I never knew what that reason was. In fact, I thought it was because I needed to hide from life. Feel enclosed in my shell to feel comforted. I didn't know what kept me like this until last night. Last night, I had my real a-ha moment!

My mother and grandmother have been overweight and obese since I was a baby. My mom went so far as to get her stomach stapled, even! Even that didn't help. A gambling addiction later, and she's still miserable and unhappy with her weight. I have seen how obesity is their greatest weakness. I have felt compelled to stay fat with them, because I knew succeeding in doing something they couldn't do, would lead to resentment and hate by them. What if I lost 100 pounds, was loving life and then they tried to sabotage my efforts to fill their own emptiness? Same goes for my fiance of 5 years. He's heavy and is okay with the way he lives his life. He won't change until he wants to. But I have allowed myself to stay 300+ pounds for the last 7-8 years because I was afraid of disappointing people! I was scared to lose weight because I knew as soon as I did, people would wake up to their own bad behavior. As soon as people would wake up, they would be out for blood! They would be out to make sure I fail because it's human nature to bring others down! Misery loves company, and this is no different. I was scared they may entice me with poor food choices. But worse, I was afraid they would hate me. Hate me for being successful. Hate me for being something they always wanted to be. Hate me for having the one thing they could never have! In fact, that paralyzing fear of becoming hated by other overweight loved ones, is what kept me stagnant for so long. I've never in my life felt so confident in this as I am now. This is the reason. It's my a-ha moment. The realization that I can now overcome it because I've been made aware of it, is overwhelming! I now feel like I don't have to be afraid of people resenting me for escaping my hell. I am being led by a positive force in the universe to love myself no matter what comes of it!

I just hope this story can change someone on these forums tonight. I hope, if you were like me, unsuspecting and oblivious to this thought process, that this will change you! It IS something people go through. Not everyone has loving support. Some people have paralyzing fear of losing weight for a very valid reason. I will pray for you all. We've got this!

Namaste