Angry, frustrated and desperate.

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AppleGypsy
AppleGypsy Posts: 17 Member
in Getting Started
Hello Everyone.

I was here a long time ago and just was so depressed I couldn't handle it- I couldn't handle seeing other people successful while I struggled so hard. I lost some weight, but not enough, and of course it's all back.

I hate counting and measuring every g* damned thing I put in my mouth, but I also know that it works. That's why I am back because I really feel like if I can't lose this weight that it will kill me. At first, being overweight was more a blow to my ego kind of thing- I was embarrassed, felt insecure and not good enough, and was filled with self loathing. I still have all of that, but now I am actually realizing that this weight can really hurt me. I am starting to be afraid that I won't be able to ever lose it, and will just drop dead one day.

I do need friends to help me get through this, but that part is difficult for me, too. The support is so great, but the constant "we can do this" mantra's from strangers starts to be very superficial. I'm in a weird place- I want the support, but get angry at the support- does anyone else feel like this? Or understand what I mean?

It's so hard to stay focused when food is everywhere. I am 45 years old, I will never ever not want to eat bad stuff- food has been medication for me for far too long. I can not eat the bad things (or too much of the bad things) but I will always always want to, and that's what's so hard. Looking at a salad actually makes me want to punch someone in the face. People doing zumba makes me want to run screaming pulling my hair out. I know I have to do healthier things, I just won't ever like it.

If anyone else can understand where I'm coming from, I would like to build up a support network; quantity of people I friend is not important, it's the quality of interactions. I don't want to feel like I have to make vapid comments on people's pages, I want the interactions to be meaningful, with other people in the same boat as me.

TL;DR Looking for like minded people to befriend who have a love/hate relationship with losing weight.

~Pepper

Replies

  • debrakgoogins
    debrakgoogins Posts: 2,033 Member
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    First, breathe. You are not alone. I don't expect you to cheer me on every day. I certainly don't have time to cheer others on every day. Maybe you have been unsuccessful in the past because you thought you had to give up everything that you call "bad". It's not bad but you can't eat as much as you have in the past because it led to weight gain. You CAN eat the bad stuff (which isn't necessarily bad) but balance it with the good stuff. I am always happy to have new friends if you are serious about making some changes.
  • mnfarmgal
    mnfarmgal Posts: 35 Member
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    I haven't eaten a salad since i started. - just saying..
  • M30834134
    M30834134 Posts: 411 Member
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    I think it would be helpful if you realize that it is not weight loss you need but changes to your lifestyle - changes that you can live with and sustain for the rest of your life. The weight loss will become a byproduct of these changes and will become not as important, but it will happen nonetheless.

    For me, the biggest "a-ha" moment was when I realized that I cannot go back to "eating as before" because that "eating as before" always got me overweight. So, I began to make changes. Since I'm not good at portioning my food, I started using MFP as a tool. Hopefully, with time, I'll train my body to gauge food properly, until then - I will log.

    Once you look at this process as a lifestyle change - the time will become not important: so you did not lose any weight this week, there is always another week right after. No deadline = less stress, no disappointments, less frustration.

    The "lifestyle change" will also make the food selection easier. You like pizza - eat it! Log it and plan the rest of the day so you are within your daily budget. No cravings. No "off the wagon" thinking. No "bad foods".

    I hope you find what you need.
  • Shereewhitney88
    Shereewhitney88 Posts: 87 Member
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    You are not alone. In 2013-2014 I managed to drop 40 pounds. Started at 177 pounds and ended up at 136, my goal weight was 130 pounds. I treated my food addiction and weight loss like someone with an illness would. I thought, well HAHA fat, I lost you and now I am over you. I stopped counting, started working out less and less. Started going out to fancy dinners with friends and a year and a half later can you guess where I am? Yep. Back here, trying over and over again (and some days failing, hard) to get from 170 pounds to 130. My issue (along with most of what you said) is that I am so damn angry with myself for letting this happen. For letting the weight come back, for letting myself off the hook and stop working out. Some days I am ok, I can count everything and move more and be ok. But some days, when I feel like I am not losing weight quickly enough I get so very angry with myself that I just say *kitten* it and eat whatever I want and however much of it I want to hopefully make myself feel better, which never works because after I've stuffed my face I realize how stupid my relationship with food really is. But today for the first time in a long time I counted, without depriving myself of a meal or snacks (which is a big deal for me) and I worked out. Nothing major just a little cardio dvd that I have, 20-25 minutes and I didn't beat myself up for not making it 30 minutes or an hour. That was 20-25 minutes I spent off my *kitten* and doing something to help myself. I know you said you don't like when strangers say you can do this. But you can, so can I, and if we want it badly enough we will do whatever it takes to get there. Feel free to add me, doll, and good luck!
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    ...depressed .... couldn't....hate counting....starting to be afraid ....get angry....It's so hard....I can not eat the bad things...so hard...want to punch someone in the face...want to run screaming pulling my hair out... just won't ever like it.

    I'm kind of a hands-off sort of internet buddy so you may not want me just yet. But I'll throw out some observations and you feel free to take the ones that fit. I was very, very angry when I started too. That did not change until I got some real change under my belt (twenty pounds lost and improved mobility). Then I started racking up my successes and focusing on them. I did not join this community until the majority of my weight was lost.
    1. Consider dealing with the depression as it's own thing, not just a side effect of obesity.
    2. Consider using portion control rather than eliminating (or adding) food groups. Eat the way you do now but less of it. MFP helps with that.
    3. Make a list of the gains you will get from losing weight and strength, not just the problems you will avoid. It's a lot easier to run to something than to try and run away. Think freaky nightmare where the harder you try to run away, the closer the monster gets.
    4. If you are clinically depressed all activities right now may seem grey. That's why I listed the depression issue as point one. If depression is not that bad, look around and find something you enjoy. I suspect like me you are an introvert who does not appreciate superficial relationships. So team sports may be out. But there are lots of other activities you might pick up. Like golf, walking or running. Try a bunch of different activities until you find something you really like.
  • leapfrogs
    leapfrogs Posts: 8 Member
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    Pepper_Tea wrote: »
    Hello Everyone.

    I was here a long time ago and just was so depressed I couldn't handle it- I couldn't handle seeing other people successful while I struggled so hard. I lost some weight, but not enough, and of course it's all back.

    I hate counting and measuring every g* damned thing I put in my mouth, but I also know that it works. That's why I am back because I really feel like if I can't lose this weight that it will kill me. At first, being overweight was more a blow to my ego kind of thing- I was embarrassed, felt insecure and not good enough, and was filled with self loathing. I still have all of that, but now I am actually realizing that this weight can really hurt me. I am starting to be afraid that I won't be able to ever lose it, and will just drop dead one day.

    I do need friends to help me get through this, but that part is difficult for me, too. The support is so great, but the constant "we can do this" mantra's from strangers starts to be very superficial. I'm in a weird place- I want the support, but get angry at the support- does anyone else feel like this? Or understand what I mean?

    It's so hard to stay focused when food is everywhere. I am 45 years old, I will never ever not want to eat bad stuff- food has been medication for me for far too long. I can not eat the bad things (or too much of the bad things) but I will always always want to, and that's what's so hard. Looking at a salad actually makes me want to punch someone in the face. People doing zumba makes me want to run screaming pulling my hair out. I know I have to do healthier things, I just won't ever like it.

    If anyone else can understand where I'm coming from, I would like to build up a support network; quantity of people I friend is not important, it's the quality of interactions. I don't want to feel like I have to make vapid comments on people's pages, I want the interactions to be meaningful, with other people in the same boat as me.

    TL;DR Looking for like minded people to befriend who have a love/hate relationship with losing weight.

    ~Pepper

  • Merrysix
    Merrysix Posts: 336 Member
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    The thing about following the plan here (log food, and eat under calorie requirements) is that you start to feel better almost immediately. That was my experience. It gets easier and easier to do. The first 30 days are the hardest (at least that was true for me). For me I get more depressed when I am just eating in a random high calorie count way. It is like digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. But it is possible to get out of the hole by following the advice here. Also, the biggest thing is I plan my food so I never get too hungry -- that makes it much easier to stay on the plan! I actually eat more and better -- 5 meals a day, of tasty food I like to eat. When I don't like salads, then I eat cooked vegies. Its not about torturing yourself, but finding your road to health.
  • mysteps2beauty
    mysteps2beauty Posts: 493 Member
    edited November 2015
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    Every time I go the dentist office, they ask me how often I floss. I HATE FLOSSING. Up to this point I've been getting away from not doing it as often as I should. But now, my teeth are in serious jeopardy of falling out of my mouth....so I have a love/hate relationship with something that is necessary, and a relatively easy habit to form.

    I can have a temper tantrum or I can do the work. It's a choice, you have the power to choose how you're going look at change, something you have to do or something you want to do (if you want to be healthy). I mean if you want to wait to till the doctor tells you you are prediabetic, or if your body starts feeling like you walking with a bag of rocks on your back, and your knees are giving out, and your feet hurt, and you have to go out and buy yet another pair of pants/skirt....I mean you can wait till all this stuff happens, nobody is forcing you to do anything.

    And I don't know if you want to surround yourself with people who have the same outlook as you because why would anything change.

    Sorry a little tough love today....
  • ShyCush6
    ShyCush6 Posts: 951 Member
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    I am a hands on buddy! I will cheer, listen and try to help. You have to know you are not alone! There are many like you that struggle daily! including myself! Please check into this discussion and I promise I will check in daily! I'm just getting back on track as well! Let's do this!
    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10279881/motivation-success-and-frustration-sharing#latest
  • JennieMaeK
    JennieMaeK Posts: 474 Member
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    I prefer the tough love approach. I don't think you should beat yourself up for bad choices but I don't think the "don't worry, tomorrow is another day" outlook is always the best either. Be accountable for your actions or lack thereof.

    Feel free to add me if you like.
  • nail_polish
    nail_polish Posts: 16 Member
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    hey pepper! I know, it sucks.

    few things that have worked for me:

    1- I have heard before the "don't deprive yourself" stuff, but did not believe it. I thought if I took a bite out a piece of cake, I would fall off the wagon. I was wrong; they were right. I started eating some sort of candy for dessert after lunch and dinner with other "junk food" for snack. It came to the point where I switched those for fruit because I got tired of eating sweets/chips!!

    2- I get rid of clothes (donate) right after they start being loose. That way, there is no turning back.

    3- I read the non-scale victory (NSV) thread. It makes me realize that not everything is related to the number on the scale.

    4- I only compete with myself. the numbers are just points of reference, that's it!! they don't mean much.

    5- Crossfit/Boot Camp/Weightlifting - they change EVERY DAY. I don't get bored!

    happy loosing!! :)
  • leapfrogs
    leapfrogs Posts: 8 Member
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    Pepper, I know what you mean... I lost my mom to complications to diabetes, severely over weight for years and I did not want to dye the way she pasted, way too young w/so many years she should have had...I blamed my self for years, I lost some and maintained and lost some more and then gained it all back again and then some more for good measure (who's counting) Right. I hate counting, I hate measuring, I hate tracking...too much work, I find myself wishing food would come in a pill w/no flavor, just the calories and nutrients we need to be healthy. I am w/you, I do love food, I hate preparing food. My mom would love to cook, bake and was very good at them both.

    She used to be in the kitchen and trying some new recipe that she found in one of her 300 cookbooks (Her Bibles) using us a guinea pigs, she would get so excited to be in the kitchen making some new creation. She was fantastic at it.

    Well I don't want food to me my week link, I want to be a happier, healthier me, maybe I will find my passion for creating healthier food and share my love w/my Mom's memory.

    If you want a support friend, I will do my best, I need to get back at it....

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