Weight loss and binge eating

0nesecret
0nesecret Posts: 44 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Long story short: I'm trying to lose weight but I binge eat almost everyday. I think I average to 2500 calories/day but my BMR is only 1300-1400. On average I exercise 4 hours per week (4 days of hour long intense exercise like spinning, circuit training, HIIT, etc...)

Full story:
In summer 2013 I tried to lose weight by cutting my cals really low because I didn't know better. Also started exercising. I went from ~52 to 48 kg (165 cm) in 3 months. Over the next 12 months I went to as low as 45kg. In summer 2014 I was told to gain weight, and by end of September I was 48-49 kg. I went off to university and as I was surrounded by new intriguing foods and was alone most of the time (and lonely), I developed binge eating and by December I weighed 54kg. I maintained that, miraculously (but to my disdain), until this past summer when I went on holidays and gained weight. I went up to 58kg. That was the last time I weighed myself.

Since school has started back in late September, I've been binge eating almost everyday. I'd buy groceries and then finish them all in one day. I'd buy a lot and say "I'll save this for later/tomorrow/next week" but finish everything in one go. I'd buy a little at a time but get food several times a day. I keep making the same mistake and I don't even understand how. It's not even that hard to control myself, but I can't.

Today was horrendous. I dont know if it's because I'm on TOM but for brunch I had 2 bread rolls (300 cals), 1 pack of smoked salmon (180 cals), 1/2 can of sundried tomatoes (250 cals), 2 whole packets of salad leaves (100 cals), 2 large mangoes.
I thought, ok, that's 1300 calories. I'll just eat less tonight. I went to the library to work and distract myself from eating. Lo, afternoon came around and I just CRAVED food. I wasn't even hungry! Tonight I ended up eating a vegan turnover pastry, 3 large apples, 4 pears, 500g purple sweet potatoes, 2.5 bell peppers and the other half of the sundried tomatoes. What was I thinking?? I was thinking how much I wanted to eat despite being physically full.

I'm sitting here with 3000+ calories, having done no exercise today because I didn't feel like it, and I am absolutely shattered. I feel utterly HOPELESS.

I can eat well when others are around but when I have to make my own food choices and am by myself with all the possibilities, it's like the binging side of my brain takes over and I just. can't. stop. And I want to eat everything. And I don't want to stop eating. I binge on any and everything. I don't even eat unhealthily; most of my binges comprise of fruits, sweet potatoes, rice cakes, etc. I don't know what to do. I'm at the fattest I have ever been (I suspect 60+ kg but I don't even have the audacity to weigh myself) and yet I'm doing the most exercise I've ever done.

And god, what can I do to make up for today's binge? I can't. I'm just going to pile on another kg, and another, and another...

I'm so tired from this constant mental battle. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice/support to offer.

Replies

  • girlviernes
    girlviernes Posts: 2,402 Member
    Could you please share your height so we can calculate your likely BMI?

    Do you have access to counseling through Uni? I would suggest getting in to see somebody soon. They often have good experience helping people who have problematic thoughts/behaviors related to weight, shape, and eating, or they will be able to refer you to a specialist. You have a chance right now to deal with this and hopefully put this behind you, it gets harder the longer it goes on. Good luck hon.

    Before you are in treatment, focus on maintenance calories and eating regular meals (3 good sized meals/day, and regular snacks if getting overly hungry between meals). Overcoming Binge Eating is a good book and can also be a place to start.
  • rankinsect
    rankinsect Posts: 2,238 Member
    If you actually are 60 kilos and 165 cm, you are smack dab in the middle of the healthy weight range. A BMI of 22.04 is spot-on perfect. 45 kg is dangerously underweight for you.

    Your BMR is likely around 1400, but your TDEE is likely around 2100 based on your reported activity, maybe even higher. You cannot and should not lose weight fast. In fact, if you really are 60 kg, you shouldn't lose weight at all - if you want a better body, you should look to increase muscle, not lose weight.
  • 0nesecret
    0nesecret Posts: 44 Member
    edited November 2015
    girlviernes wrote: »
    Could you please share your height so we can calculate your likely BMI?

    I'm 5'4 / 165 cm

    I've been quite busy and mostly ashamed to see someone, but seriously thinking about it now. It just might not happen any time soon as I have a lot of deadlines coming up.

    I may not be overweight but I am far from where I want to be. I do exercise, and I do notice I am putting on muscles... But I can't see them because I feel I have a thick layer of fat over my body. When I flex my stomach and poke I can feel that it's hard but in the end I do have a stomach pudge and flabs (my stomach is not flat at all). My thighs... ya. The problem is mostly lack of control around food though, which severely hinders my goal to look and be normal.
  • shadowfax_c11
    shadowfax_c11 Posts: 1,942 Member
    I recognise that feeling. Usually that is because there is an empty place somewhere else in your life that needs filling and you are filling it with food.

    Possibly you need more water.
    Possibly you are depressed, lonely, bored, need to get out of your own head or the house and move. Possibly you are lacking something nutritionally and your eating is because you are seeking that thing. What are you really craving that maybe you are withholding from yourself? Possibly you are truly not eating enough for your activity level and the number on the scale isn't nearly as scary as you have decided it is.

    The trick is to figure out out of all of that what your real need is and then find a way to fill it.
  • codename_steve
    codename_steve Posts: 255 Member
    I agree, seek help. Universities are usually pretty good at having on campus counseling.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    That you starved yourself to go down to 48 kilos is a HUGE red flag. 58-60 kilos is a perfectly fine weight for your height (heck I'm 61 kilos myself). Clearly it totally messed up your relationship with food.

    Please get help.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    Don't punish yourself for today. Just log it and move on.

    You may find this thread helpful: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10282314/food-should-not-make-me-want-to-cry#latest

    I also recommend you see a therapist. You won't get in immediately, so may as well make the call now and get the process started.

    Meanwhile, try yoga:

    How Yoga Can Help End Binge Eating

    One breath at a time, end the suffering of binge-eating

    ...According to Juliano, yoga gives people the skills to stay with what they are feeling, rather than turning to food to escape. People who are obese or suffering from eating disorders have a tendency to dissociate from their bodies -- to choose not to feel what they are feeling when they are angry, anxious, or sad. Often, they turn to food to numb themselves. "There's this sense that I have to feel better right now, " Juliano says. "There is a complete intolerance of what is happening right now." This need to escape unpleasant feelings triggers a binge.

    When you eat to escape what you are feeling, you lose touch with the experience of eating, as well. This is one reason binges can spiral out of control. "You have no understanding that you are full, way past full, into uncomfortable, because you're so out of it," Juliano explains. "You have no connection to what you're eating. You're eating a pint of ice cream and can't even taste it. Or you go to make yourself some toast and before you know it, half the loaf is gone."

    Mindful yoga directly challenges the habit of dissociating from your body and your present-moment experience. "The whole point of yoga is to stay connected to your body. You learn it through practice, through breathing, and through breathing through the sensations."

    Read more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201007/how-yoga-can-help-end-binge-eating
  • rankinsect
    rankinsect Posts: 2,238 Member
    edited November 2015
    0nesecret wrote: »
    I may not be overweight but I am far from where I want to be. I do exercise, and I do notice I am putting on muscles... But I can't see them because I feel I have a thick layer of fat over my body. When I flex my stomach and poke I can feel that it's hard but in the end I do have a stomach pudge and flabs (my stomach is not flat at all). My thighs... ya. The problem is mostly lack of control around food though, which severely hinders my goal to look and be normal.

    Where you want to be might kill you. At your lowest, you were very severely underweight, which is actually significantly less healthy even compared to morbid obesity; the underweight are the age group with the highest amount of health problems and the greatest risk of death by any cause.

    Your best bet is to eat around 2100 calories per day (about your TDEE) and not just exercise, but do strength training. As you build muscle, you'll lose some fat as well. You really should focus on "recomping" not losing.

    When your weight fell to the dangerously underweight levels you did, you would have lost a lot of muscle mass, so when you gained back, you ended up with a bad ratio of fat to muscle - it's a lot faster to gain fat than to gain muscle. Focus first on building muscle, the fat will come off as part of the recomp (and by building muscle, you'll get a better body fat % anyway). You definitely shouldn't try to be underweight again.

    I agree with counseling - many things in this are red flags for possible eating disorders.
  • 0nesecret
    0nesecret Posts: 44 Member
    I am aware that I was at an unhealthy weight. I had very disordered relationship with food as well (clearly it lasted but went to the other end of the spectrum).

    I am not trying to get back down to 45kg, but rather to a healthy weight I feel comfortable at - 52-55 (or really, just to lose the excessive flabs and pudge). Before I ever began this whole weight loss journey I was at 51-52 kg, and I should have been satisfied. It led me down quite a rabbit hole.

    I strength train (mostly lift free weights + bodyweight) as part of circuit training and HIIT routines but I do focus a lot on cardio (just because I really like it; it makes me feel good and I also feel like I'm actually doing something).

    I know I am not eating out of hunger. I rarely go really hungry, actually. I try to eat normally but like I said, often once I start eating I don't want to stop. I just really like the taste of food and I want more. Sometimes I like the feeling of eating and I keep going. Perhaps I am trying to fill a void, I don't know. I'm disappointed that working out isn't even changing a thing. Ironic that I'm both at the fittest and the fattest I've ever been.
  • charlieandcarol
    charlieandcarol Posts: 302 Member
    Have you considered trying a body recomp. Perhaps that is an alternative way to get a shape you are happy with rather than this restrict and binge cycle you are on?
  • 0nesecret
    0nesecret Posts: 44 Member
    charlieandcarol wrote: »
    Have you considered trying a body recomp. Perhaps that is an alternative way to get a shape you are happy with rather than this restrict and binge cycle you are on?

    How do I go about it? I think I'm in a constant binge state, not really restricting
  • soapsandropes
    soapsandropes Posts: 269 Member
    I think that you need to find some professional help with this (like a counselor, not a personal trainer). If you have 4 hours a week to exercise you can find an hour a week to talk to someone about your feelings rather than suffering.
  • bologna111
    bologna111 Posts: 57 Member
    I found the book brain over binge to be really helpful in understanding my binge eating. Your story sounds exactly like the authors. If you read it, let me know what you think. Thanks to that book, I haven't binged for over 30 days. I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I have hope!
  • Photograhicsoul
    Photograhicsoul Posts: 23 Member
    0nesecret wrote: »
    I am aware that I was at an unhealthy weight. I had very disordered relationship with food as well (clearly it lasted but went to the other end of the spectrum).

    I am not trying to get back down to 45kg, but rather to a healthy weight I feel comfortable at - 52-55 (or really, just to lose the excessive flabs and pudge). Before I ever began this whole weight loss journey I was at 51-52 kg, and I should have been satisfied. It led me down quite a rabbit hole.

    I strength train (mostly lift free weights + bodyweight) as part of circuit training and HIIT routines but I do focus a lot on cardio (just because I really like it; it makes me feel good and I also feel like I'm actually doing something).

    I know I am not eating out of hunger. I rarely go really hungry, actually. I try to eat normally but like I said, often once I start eating I don't want to stop. I just really like the taste of food and I want more. Sometimes I like the feeling of eating and I keep going. Perhaps I am trying to fill a void, I don't know. I'm disappointed that working out isn't even changing a thing. Ironic that I'm both at the fittest and the fattest I've ever been.

    That is so familiar to me. Except when I was binge-eating I was doing it with a lot of potato chips, croissants and fast food. I have also been underweight briefly(even though at the time I had so wrong body image that I couldn't even see that). I was 168cm and 53 kg, and it wasn't just that I was skinny, but that I had achieved it via not eating, eating badly when I do, and constantly running around doing something(but not actually exercising, so I had very little muscle tone).

    I started dancing(ballet) 2 years ago, and after about a year of mostly building muscle and technique, I finally started actually losing. But then it freaked me out, instead of making me happy, and here I am having gained it all again(I'm about 70kg now still). Due to all the dancing and training for it, just like you, I am in the best and worst shape of my life.

    This is not training issue, or even eating issue. It's not out of not knowing what to eat(and even in your binges you are eating good foods so at least you can't end up malnourished as I was at some point) or how to exercise. In fact, you have a better handle on exercise that at least 50% of regular people. This is a mental issue. Keep working out, but in the meantime, work on your brain, too...

    Do get to counseling, read books suggested(the one about yoga and healthy eating resonated with me). I would also suggest journaling- sometimes when you write about things and how you feel you realize something you wouldn't have otherwise. And ask yourself, what void are you feeling? What are you avoiding? What are you trying not to think about when you keep eating past what you want to eat? And keep going over it. Are you still lonely? (you can be, even surrounded by people). Is it something else? Are you afraid of something?
    I kept getting the same answer to that question every time, and it never changed anything...Until one day I realized what is behind that answer, what is the true answer, what I had dug so down that I couldn't even think about- and that started changing things. Keep digging. Add me as a friend/message me if you need to talk.
  • jacklifts
    jacklifts Posts: 396 Member
    Have you thought about tracking to keep your weight, whatever it is now for a while? Just until you're back to unbinging. I understand the eating without the hunger cues thing. It's really hard to overcome unless you have an overarching goal, other than just to drop a few kilos. For example, if there was a physique competition you're going to enter, or a vacation coming up, etc. that's very helpful. Also, I see that you're not eating much protein. Protein helps a lot with satiety, especially when paired with fiber. If you're avoiding meat, see if adding beans/legumes to your diet. Lastly, it does seem you have had and continue to have disordered eating. I don't know enough to talk about that. So in summary:

    1. Establish an overarching goal to help non-hunger eating
    2. Significantly increase your protein content to help with hunger
  • 0nesecret
    0nesecret Posts: 44 Member
    bologna111 wrote: »
    I found the book brain over binge to be really helpful in understanding my binge eating. Your story sounds exactly like the authors. If you read it, let me know what you think. Thanks to that book, I haven't binged for over 30 days. I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I have hope!

    I wonder if you could share the takeaway from that book? I keep hearing about it but I can't see how it would help
  • bologna111
    bologna111 Posts: 57 Member
    Yes for sure. The take away is that the food is not the problem, it's the insane urges to eat. For most people the urges start after dieting or restricting. The authors view is that the animalistic part of your brain is reacting to the diet or restrictions by urging you to eat. But your human or higher brain has the power to ignore those urges. You are not supposed to argue with the urges but ignore them. The author goes into the best ways of doing that in the book. I promise it is worth the read! The most important thing for me was taking responsibility for my eating and realizing nothing can make my hand put the food in my mouth but me. And that I don't have some personality or mental issue. It's the urges that are the problem and I have the power to ignore them.
  • yoplait311
    yoplait311 Posts: 56 Member
    I also recommend the book Brain Over Binge. I read it and it helped me tremendously. I'm happy to send you my copy- paying it forward. Feel free to friend me, if you're interested :)
  • richardgavel
    richardgavel Posts: 1,001 Member
    I'm not sure I'd suggest not exercising. The important thing I think is to find your positive and negative triggers. For example, for me my prior job was a negative trigger. It was very frustrating and stressful which made me less inclined to stay on track. So I left (I know you might not have the ability to just drop a negative trigger, but identification is important). On the other hand, a positive trigger for me was working out. I felt less inclined to just let things go eating wise after working out because I felt like it would eliminate the benefits of the workout. One other thing, go in baby steps. Make small improvements over time.

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