Spouse Questioning Goals
juliekin
Posts: 139 Member
My husband's worried that I'm trying to get too thin. I assured him I still have quite a ways to go- I'm 178 right now! The last time I dieted and got to a "healthy" 135, a lot of people stopped me to ask if I had cancer and he's afraid that this will happen again. I am 5 foot 7 and was thinking that I'd try to reach 150 and maintain. Any thoughts? After more than 25 years together, both thin and fat, this is the first time he's seriously voiced concern- he's not overweight nor the jealous type.
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You have to decide yourself if you want to compromise your own goals for someone else's desires.0
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150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height. It's a perfectly reasonable number. Sometimes people get so used to seeing you a certain way, the change (especially if rapid) can really freak them out. I find information does the trick. Tell/show them your BMI listings. Let them know this is about getting healthy, not running off with the circus to be a super skinny contortionist or something. People, especially in food-secure countries, don't have a realistic idea of how much people SHOULD weigh in real life. Give them the truth and reassure them your goals are right in line with what MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS consider healthy and safe. Sometimes people just need to be shown some numbers and data and that calms them down;)0
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Not being your age, I don't get the cancer question (even though I've actually had cancer), mostly people worry I've gone anorexic or something. This amazes me cause I feel like I'm eating all the dam time but they don't see it that way. I just tell them
1. 115 is my goal, it would put me at BMI 22% and that's dead in the middle of the healthy range for my short self.
2. I want to be healthy first, skinny second, and modelesque DEAD LAST, stop freaking out
3. I've spoken to my doctor (as you should do because the authority card is awesome to pull) and he says I'm doing great and my goal is great. Yet again I ask, why are you freaking out?
4. Of course I use a food scale. Can you eyeball 3 ounces of salmon? I sure can't. Relax, I'm eating salmon. It's not like I'm on the 64 ounces of water and a single cube of cheese diet.... this is REAL FOOD for heaven's sake0 -
Do what YOU want. People probably first think of disease when you lose weight because they can't imagine doing the work and rarely see people make significant positive physique changes. Make sure you ARE healthy, lift weights so you don't just look skinny, but fit. Tell your husband you appreciate the concern, but you're fine, and if people ask you if you have some disease, tell them no, you started using meth. Haha, j/k. No, tell them you have discipline. Good luck.0
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Did you get the cancer comments while still in a deficit or had you hit goal and eating at maintenance by then? As Dieting itself, especially for a good stretch of time can make some people look gaunt, even ill. Not surprising really given that under eating is a stressor to the body.0
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Since it appears he's voicing his thoughts out of concern maybe set up a Doctor appt and have the doctor explain what is a healthy weight range for you. This may help ease his concern and then you can enjoy his full support. While yes, you are doing this for you, when you're married it's an us and we dynamic. Sounds like you have a keeper so why not help him not worry
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Thanks. Our best friends are doctors, so he's well aware of healthy ranges. I think Lourdesong is closest with the gaunt comment. I was just entering maintenance when people became concerned.
Also, Coffeeandcardio makes a good point of what we think is normal in society. Adjustment just takes time.0 -
Thanks. Our best friends are doctors, so he's well aware of healthy ranges. I think Lourdesong is closest with the gaunt comment. I was just entering maintenance when people became concerned.
Also, Coffeeandcardio makes a good point of what we think is normal in society. Adjustment just takes time.
There's all of that.
It's just, I hate to be morbid, but at a certain point these things do start happening to friends more than one would like (serious illnesses). There's no saying you won't look really thin to the point of shocking people at 150, even if you've already weighed that before. Just have to figure out how to make them comfortable (if you care about them that way), and deal
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I would respond with something like, "Honey, I want to lose weight to feel better and I think I've pick out a good, healthy goal. If, when I get to that weight, it seems like too much we'll talk about it. But for right now, can you let me do this?" Hopefully he'll get on board or at least hush up a bit more.
My co-workers have only known my heavier weight so when they were like "you're getting so skinny" my response of "this is what I used to weigh before marriage and baby, I'm just getting back to what I was" seems to keep them satisfied. (Although, all of them have actually been very supportive.)0 -
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My husband's worried that I'm trying to get too thin. I assured him I still have quite a ways to go- I'm 178 right now! The last time I dieted and got to a "healthy" 135, a lot of people stopped me to ask if I had cancer and he's afraid that this will happen again. I am 5 foot 7 and was thinking that I'd try to reach 150 and maintain. Any thoughts? After more than 25 years together, both thin and fat, this is the first time he's seriously voiced concern- he's not overweight nor the jealous type.
When I am at the lower end of my healthy weight range I think I am too thin looking. I feel and look my best toward the middle or top of that range. You might be the same.
I would discuss with your spouse that you are not going to lose weight too fast or do extreme things to lose weight, plan to maintain at 15 lbs greater than you did before and that makes a difference... that health is more important to you than appearance, you've discussed it with your health care provider... that you appreciate concern for your health but ultimately it is your body.0 -
I'm 5'11 and like to be under 150 (I think I look my best at 148, I'm almost 37). I'm a size 6 jeans/8 dress pants, Medium shirts, dress size 6. I think 150 would be a great goal weight for you at 150.
I know that when I talk about losing weight my BF gets that glazed look like "oh crap, she's going to try and get into the lower 140's again". And I'm not. I typically mean a few pounds just to make everything fit better, make the buldges go away. He's probably remembering what you looked like when you were 135, like my BF remembers what I looked like at 142 (he said I was easily able to be snapped in half). Just reassure him it will be different this time!0 -
I would say 150 is a good range for you. I'm 5'7" with a large frame, and that's where I'm staying at. I would talk to him, tell him what your target range is. Explain that no, you're not going back down to the 130s, you're going to stay at a healthy range for your body type, and go from there.
You might also consider some kind of weight training. Put one some good muscle tone, not heavy muscle, and you'll probably look healthier at 150 than someone like me, who hasn't much muscle tone. ^_^;0 -
Being closer to your age, I've fielded the "cancer" question too. I think it came out also because Iost the weight so quickly. I look quite different. This isn't discussing which dress to go out in. This is your health. Your guy sounds reasonable. So talk about it some more.0
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I swear, I think that many people think that its impossible to lose a significant amount of weight, and they NEVER seem to want to think that someone could go from being significantly overweight to being at a healthy weight. It just doesn't fit their mental models of overweight people. Be kind to your husband, but don't let his illogical concerns control your goal-setting.0
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I have lost 100lbs and I too got the cancer questions, I'm a 39yo male, and Im constantly told I need to eat a cheeseburger and some fries, I just try and laugh it off...Deep down though I want to tell them to knock it off Im honestly still in the over weight range for BMI but my large frame puts me at a healthy weight.0
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CoffeeNCardio wrote: »150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height.
Just as a point of order, BMI is as wholly flawed as just about any other "yardstick" by which people try to judge weight. It does not take into consideration the ration of muscle to fat. You can have a person (To borrow the OPs stat) 5'7" and weighing 185 and another weighing 150. The 150 could be soft and rounded and more than 25% bodyfat and with zero stamina, physically, basically unhealthy; whereas the 185 could be trim, solid, heart healthy and be a clothing size smaller than his/her counterpart. But they will both have the same BMI!
Now, while I realize that so many here are still in a 'cut the calories/cut the pounds' mode, there comes a time when you need to move on from that standard and just recognize that your body is more than what other people see of you. And, it's not really about what your spouse, friends, co-workers, people on the street see or think of you. It's how YOU feel in your body. And that, often as not, starts between the ears. (The ultimate concept of a 'fat head'?)0 -
THIS is stellar!I would respond with something like, "Honey, I want to lose weight to feel better and I think I've pick out a good, healthy goal. If, when I get to that weight, it seems like too much we'll talk about it. But for right now, can you let me do this?" Hopefully he'll get on board or at least hush up a bit more.
My co-workers have only known my heavier weight so when they were like "you're getting so skinny" my response of "this is what I used to weigh before marriage and baby, I'm just getting back to what I was" seems to keep them satisfied. (Although, all of them have actually been very supportive.)
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Do what makes you feel comfortable.0
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I'm wondering if he's mostly worried that he has to eat diet food along with you.
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Do what makes you happy and don't worry about what your husband or anyone else have to say about it. It's your body, your health and your life and it's of no consequence to anyone else, nor is it really any of their business.0
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cushman5279 wrote: »Do what makes you happy and don't worry about what your husband or anyone else have to say about it. It's your body, your health and your life and it's of no consequence to anyone else, nor is it really any of their business.
I don't think OP should drop her goals, but I think that listening to a spouse's concerns is an important part of a healthy marriage. Telling your husband that his concerns about your weight loss is of "no consequence" and that is it none of his business seems really hostile and alienating.0 -
Healthy weight loss is about a lot more than just the final number. Have you talked through the rest of the goals? Timeframe? Approach? I understand and respect the hard work it takes to lose weight, but I have also been concerned for friends who lost a lot of weight. Not because of the final number- if I had to guess both were probably in a healthy range- but because of how fast they did it. There are visible (and not so visible) side effects of losing too fast. One of my friends lost a lot of her hair- I couldn't believe how thin and fragile it got. She was only in her mid-20s at the time, but I could see why people would be concerned she was going through more than just planned weight loss. Going from 185-135 can look a lot different to people in a year's time than it can in say 4 months time.
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ReeseG4350 wrote: »CoffeeNCardio wrote: »150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height.
Just as a point of order, BMI is as wholly flawed as just about any other "yardstick" by which people try to judge weight. It does not take into consideration the ration of muscle to fat. You can have a person (To borrow the OPs stat) 5'7" and weighing 185 and another weighing 150. The 150 could be soft and rounded and more than 25% bodyfat and with zero stamina, physically, basically unhealthy; whereas the 185 could be trim, solid, heart healthy and be a clothing size smaller than his/her counterpart. But they will both have the same BMI!
Now, while I realize that so many here are still in a 'cut the calories/cut the pounds' mode, there comes a time when you need to move on from that standard and just recognize that your body is more than what other people see of you. And, it's not really about what your spouse, friends, co-workers, people on the street see or think of you. It's how YOU feel in your body. And that, often as not, starts between the ears. (The ultimate concept of a 'fat head'?)
The thing is that if you are muscular enough to be at a healthy %BF and still be overweight by BMI, you're going to know it and your doctor is going to know it if they aren't blind or blindly dogmatic. For almost everyone else, BMI does a good job of providing an acceptable weight range.
I would think the bigger problem is very petite women who hover at the top of the healthy BMI range, but should go lower to get to a healthy %BF. I don't hear too much about athletic types starving themselves to get in the healthy BMI range, but there are plenty of people who are still overfat that stop trying to lose weight because they are just within the BMI deemed healthy for their height, gender, and age.0 -
I'm 5'7 and 164. My goal is 135. When I was 135, I looked amazing. Not too skinny, not too thick. As long as this is making you happy, and you aren't throwing up your food, he should be happy for you. Screw what other people think.0
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ReeseG4350 wrote: »CoffeeNCardio wrote: »150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height.
Just as a point of order, BMI is as wholly flawed as just about any other "yardstick" by which people try to judge weight. It does not take into consideration the ration of muscle to fat. You can have a person (To borrow the OPs stat) 5'7" and weighing 185 and another weighing 150. The 150 could be soft and rounded and more than 25% bodyfat and with zero stamina, physically, basically unhealthy; whereas the 185 could be trim, solid, heart healthy and be a clothing size smaller than his/her counterpart. But they will both have the same BMI!
Now, while I realize that so many here are still in a 'cut the calories/cut the pounds' mode, there comes a time when you need to move on from that standard and just recognize that your body is more than what other people see of you. And, it's not really about what your spouse, friends, co-workers, people on the street see or think of you. It's how YOU feel in your body. And that, often as not, starts between the ears. (The ultimate concept of a 'fat head'?)
The thing is that if you are muscular enough to be at a healthy %BF and still be overweight by BMI, you're going to know it and your doctor is going to know it if they aren't blind or blindly dogmatic. For almost everyone else, BMI does a good job of providing an acceptable weight range.
I would think the bigger problem is very petite women who hover at the top of the healthy BMI range, but should go lower to get to a healthy %BF. I don't hear too much about athletic types starving themselves to get in the healthy BMI range, but there are plenty of people who are still overfat that stop trying to lose weight because they are just within the BMI deemed healthy for their height, gender, and age.
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ReeseG4350 wrote: »CoffeeNCardio wrote: »150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height.
Just as a point of order, BMI is as wholly flawed as just about any other "yardstick" by which people try to judge weight. It does not take into consideration the ration of muscle to fat. You can have a person (To borrow the OPs stat) 5'7" and weighing 185 and another weighing 150. The 150 could be soft and rounded and more than 25% bodyfat and with zero stamina, physically, basically unhealthy; whereas the 185 could be trim, solid, heart healthy and be a clothing size smaller than his/her counterpart. But they will both have the same BMI!
Now, while I realize that so many here are still in a 'cut the calories/cut the pounds' mode, there comes a time when you need to move on from that standard and just recognize that your body is more than what other people see of you. And, it's not really about what your spouse, friends, co-workers, people on the street see or think of you. It's how YOU feel in your body. And that, often as not, starts between the ears. (The ultimate concept of a 'fat head'?)
The thing is that if you are muscular enough to be at a healthy %BF and still be overweight by BMI, you're going to know it and your doctor is going to know it if they aren't blind or blindly dogmatic. For almost everyone else, BMI does a good job of providing an acceptable weight range.
I would think the bigger problem is very petite women who hover at the top of the healthy BMI range, but should go lower to get to a healthy %BF. I don't hear too much about athletic types starving themselves to get in the healthy BMI range, but there are plenty of people who are still overfat that stop trying to lose weight because they are just within the BMI deemed healthy for their height, gender, and age.
Agreed.
Every time that BMI comes up, somebody will post that it isn't a good way to judge weight because people who are heavily muscled have high BMIs or people who are tall have high BMIs even at healthy weights. That's all true but the majority of people, the majority of MFPers, who have high BMIs have high BMIs because they are overfat, not because they are highly muscled or tall. Are there some who fall into those categories? Sure. But let's not kid ourselves into thinking that most of us are outliers. The healthy BMI range is a healthy place to aim for as a general goal. After that, play it by ear (or actually by eye as you'll use those to look in the mirror and determine whether or not you like what you see.)0 -
ReeseG4350 wrote: »CoffeeNCardio wrote: »150 would put you at the TOP of your healthy BMI for your height.
Just as a point of order, BMI is as wholly flawed as just about any other "yardstick" by which people try to judge weight. It does not take into consideration the ration of muscle to fat. You can have a person (To borrow the OPs stat) 5'7" and weighing 185 and another weighing 150. The 150 could be soft and rounded and more than 25% bodyfat and with zero stamina, physically, basically unhealthy; whereas the 185 could be trim, solid, heart healthy and be a clothing size smaller than his/her counterpart. But they will both have the same BMI!
Now, while I realize that so many here are still in a 'cut the calories/cut the pounds' mode, there comes a time when you need to move on from that standard and just recognize that your body is more than what other people see of you. And, it's not really about what your spouse, friends, co-workers, people on the street see or think of you. It's how YOU feel in your body. And that, often as not, starts between the ears. (The ultimate concept of a 'fat head'?)
The thing is that if you are muscular enough to be at a healthy %BF and still be overweight by BMI, you're going to know it and your doctor is going to know it if they aren't blind or blindly dogmatic. For almost everyone else, BMI does a good job of providing an acceptable weight range.
I would think the bigger problem is very petite women who hover at the top of the healthy BMI range, but should go lower to get to a healthy %BF. I don't hear too much about athletic types starving themselves to get in the healthy BMI range, but there are plenty of people who are still overfat that stop trying to lose weight because they are just within the BMI deemed healthy for their height, gender, and age.
and a lot of people also shoot for the lower end of BMI even though that may not be appropriate for their overall structural build and thus look sickly at those lower weights. i would look like death warmed over at the low end of my BMI and not so great even in the middle.
people need to understand that it's a range, not so that you can pick and choose within that range, but to accommodate a variety of body types. it seems to me that many people don't understand this and it seems to particularly be an issue with the female persuasion...especially young females.0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »cushman5279 wrote: »Do what makes you happy and don't worry about what your husband or anyone else have to say about it. It's your body, your health and your life and it's of no consequence to anyone else, nor is it really any of their business.
I don't think OP should drop her goals, but I think that listening to a spouse's concerns is an important part of a healthy marriage. Telling your husband that his concerns about your weight loss is of "no consequence" and that is it none of his business seems really hostile and alienating.
Seconded.
Mrs Jruzer didn't like how I looked at my original goal weight - she said I looked gaunt and unhealthy. She's happy that I've lost my weight, but honestly didn't like the way I looked at my original goal. So I've compromised and am hanging out at about 5 lbs heavier.0 -
I can't imagine asking someone flat out if they have cancer just because they've lost weight! It's none of my business and quite rude.0
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