My story feat. low self-worth/esteem, newly sober within 2 years, and 3 kids under 2 !

Hi. I don't know what I will get out of posting this. Maybe somebody relating to me, maybe someone with advice, or even someone to just cheer me on... This will be the first time I have been completely honest about my weight to anyone, other than a dr that is weighing me. I don't know if anyone will actually take the time to read the whole thing, but I am just hoping that maybe there is one other woman on here that might be able to relate. (Mostly to the overweight pre-pregnancy + overweight post-pregnancy thing, the recovering substance abuser would just be a plus!)

I've always struggled with my weight. Always. I always remember being bigger than everyone my age. I have always been quiet and reserved, never one to be outgoing on my own and try to approach someone to make friends. I think this has a lot to do with my very low self-esteem, and it was just kind of a vicious cycle, having low self-esteem because I was big and eating because I had low self-esteem. I guess you could say obesity runs in my family, and after my dad died my mom really started struggling herself, so I grew up without any juice, soda, candy, etc., in the house. I think because I was "deprived" as a child that is why I became a closet binger. I still have issues with this. I have never really felt a connection between my body and my mind, and I have always had issues with taking care of it. I just have never really cared much as to what I put in it. I've never had the self-worth to believe that I deserved a "better body" and one that functions as it should.
Cut forward to age 14, I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. I got my wisdom teeth out and was prescribed Lortab. This is my first experience with instant gratification with anything other than food. From then on, I was experimenting with different drugs, including OTCs like motion sickness pills and cough medicine. When I was 17, I went to rehab for 6 months. I came out the other side clean and sober, through abstinence and heavy duty therapy, all the while steadily gaining weight. I have never really tracked my weight, but I think at 17 I was probably about 220-250.
Couple months after I turned 18, (October 2011) I relapsed on cough medicine, blacked out in the bathroom and ended up falling and shattering my right humerus. Emergency surgery with a stainless steel rod, 9 screws, and radial nerve damage rendering my entire right arm useless and numb. Luckily, with physical therapy, I got my motion and feeling back within 6 months. I can't really remember anything super important happening until I was about 20, besides hanging out with friends, smoking pot and eating (and of course gaining weight).
THEN, I met my new best friend crystal meth. I never ever thought I would get wrapped up in something so stupid... But I just kept doing it. The weird thing is, during this time, it didn't feel stupid. It made me feel great. I finally had friends, people that wanted to hang out with me (HELLO, I'm the only one with a car and no criminal record, of course they want to hang out with me!), I had a "social life"! Oh, and what's this? I'm finally getting (wanted) attention from guys! Why? I don't know! Then people start commenting on how I'm losing weight. I guess that's what no sleep and not eating for 3-4 days at a time will get you. Bottom line: I started at almost 300 lbs at 20 years old in November 2012.. On my 21st birthday (July 2014), I weight 140 lbs. I FELT GREAT. I mean apart from the homelessness, DUI charge, and estrangement from family and REAL friends! But the important thing was that I was skinny, right?! I had new confidence that I had never in my life felt. I was talking to guys, flirting even! Anyway, I met my fiance in this situation. One month into the relationship, I get pregnant. We moved in with his mother and got clean together. Well, being pregnant + getting clean off meth can certainly wreak havoc on your appetite, lemme tell ya! I have always been an emotional eater as well, so the fact that our relationship was much less than perfect didn't help. I had/have control issues and a hard time with my emotions, he has an angry temper and is a momma's boy; maybe it balances out! By the time we moved to England with my mom with the USAF, I think I was about 190. By the time I gave birth to our first daughter, I was about 270. By the time I got pregnant for the second time, with twins, (Yes, three girls, one 17 months old and 2 8 weeks old!!) I clocked in at 280. Despite a high-risk pregnancy that was EXTREMELY stressful on me, I only gained about 17 lbs with the twins, and have since lost most of it. I now weight just under 290. I am breastfeeding + supplementing with formula because they were 8 weeks premature. So I get some of the caloric loss from making breast milk, but not a whole lot. It seems so hard to do this whole weight loss thing because I can never stick with it long enough to see results. Can you blame me, after losing 100+ lbs in less than a year? Of course it wasn't healthy, that rate of weight loss or the way it happened, but it's still difficult.

All three of my girls are the most beautiful things I have ever encountered and I love them so much. More than anything. It wasn't until I had kids that I realized that, at this point, taking care of my body is no longer just about me. It's about making sure that I am able to play with them, walk up the stairs to comfort them if they cry after I put them to bed without getting winded and needing a break, taking long walks with them, being a good role model and setting a positive example, and most importantly actually BEING here, alive, healthy, to enjoy life together. I want all of that so much. I want it for them, I want it for me, I want it for my fiance! I think I also struggle with being body positive, and just self love in general. Do you need to love yourself before you make change...?


Well, this my story. I've never told the whole thing, and here I am, sharing with all of you (left out some personal irrelevant/maybe relevant stuff). Feels good to at least make the act of telling someone and rambling a bit, even if no one is listening.


Have a fantastic day, everyone, and work hard to meet your goals!