Should I really think this way?

gagirl89
gagirl89 Posts: 26 Member
edited September 28 in Motivation and Support
So... One of my friends called me an idiot this weekend because of something I said about my weight... him being skin and bone and has never dealt with a weight problem(and the girls he's been with have always looked like models) I kinda pushed it out of my head saying he doesn't know how it feels. So. now, I'm going to ask ya'll to see if I can get another opinion...

For the past couple years, I've had the mentality that an ex boyfriend left me with... I always complained about my weight to him. Especailly when he was trying to be sweet and romantic, and he always got upset and said " How can I love you, If you don't even love yourself." and that kinda stuck with me, and thats been my mentality ever since we broke up ( a year or so ago). So last night when everyone was asking me when I was going to find a man , I said, " How can I expect anyone to love me, When I can't even love myself and the way I am."

So, I guess what I'm asking is... Is it ok for me to be thinking that way? I mean, I know that whoever loves me, should love me the way I am(if only this were a perfect world) but that is one of the reasons I'm no longer engaged. So, I guess I'm sick of being optimistic about love and being more realistic???
ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME!

Replies

  • Hernandezedw
    Hernandezedw Posts: 284
    I doubt that was his real feelings. I do know it's hard to listen to someone complain about themselves. As a guy, I want to fix the complaints. But, it seems that's not what women always want. It's very frustrating.
  • skbruewer
    skbruewer Posts: 144 Member
    If a person truly loves you, they will love you exactly the way you are. Here's the but, though. If you don't truly love yourself, would you push that person away because you're not really happy? If so, then you do need to learn to love yourself. It's not about weight, it's about what's inside of you. I understand how you feel, and I've decided maybe I need to talk to a professional to work through the issues, so maybe that might help you.
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
    If you are not happy with yourself then it's time to make changes. Don't do it for anyone else do it for yourself. If you want to lose weight and you think that will make YOU feel better then you know what to do.
    Being a healthy weight does not mean you have to be a size 2. You can start eating healthy by making healthy choices and educating yourself on what is good for you and what is not. You can't go on a diet and lose weight to find a partner and then gain it all back the moment you feel comfortable. If you make it a healthy lifestyle decision you will be able to stick with it for life and never have to worry about dieting again. You will feel good about yourself and project that to everyone around you. Good luck and remember to take it slow. Don't obsess about every lb. If you start to eat right and track you calories to keep yourself on track, you will be surprised where you will be this time next year.
  • StarryEyedGirl
    StarryEyedGirl Posts: 585
    The real question isn't should you be thinking this way, the real question is what are you doing to find the love of yourself?
  • swiggy1000
    swiggy1000 Posts: 6
    You need to love yourself first and accept yourself for who you are....something I have struggled with for most of my life. Some people will just say that if you don't like the way you look, then change it! Easier said than done - if you are not in the right mindset and ready for a life "change". Have tried many weight loss programs/diets, etc., and when I was discouraged and complaining, my husband would just say "you are the only one who can change you".....I know he meant well, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear!...unfortunately, he was right....although a few words of encouragement lovingly delivered would have been nice. I wake up every morning and try to smile at the person looking back at me in the mirror - some days I like me, some days I don't, but I'm all I have!
  • gagirl89
    gagirl89 Posts: 26 Member
    I want to change, I'm ready to change, I'm in the mindset to change, But, as I'm sure all of you know, Its a day by day thing. Its something I've struggled with for a while, I've always tried looking at the end, when I really need to focus on every day accomplishments in changing myself into the way I want to look. It doesn't happen overnight, and thats probably one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I can be very patient. But when I really want something, I don't want to wait.
  • mrogers52
    mrogers52 Posts: 378 Member
    Can you find one thing today you love about yourself? You have beautiful red hair by the way. Focus on one thing that is positive about you. :glasses:
  • gagirl89
    gagirl89 Posts: 26 Member
    Thank you, I'll try that. I already try. but , lately Its just hard when our society is so foused on the "pretty people" I'm turning 22 in a month. I'm trying to think of what I wanna do but I don't feel comfortable going out anywhere. Not to mention, I'm already very shy... :/
  • brattyworm
    brattyworm Posts: 2,137 Member
    so here's what you should do (advice from my hubby before he became one).. look at yourself in the mirror (real or figuratively) write down all the things you dont like, then think of a way you work on them, nothing drastic like a complete plastic surgery make over cause you dont like your body.

    then take a look and write down everything you do like and why you like it. these are the things you should focus on. why? because the positive things are what makes you the best person you are, uniquely you. most people dont try and see the negative things in others, but we humans innately look at all the negative in ourselves.

    good luck in your journey hope this helps some. :)
  • BigBoneSista
    BigBoneSista Posts: 2,389 Member
    I doubt that was his real feelings. I do know it's hard to listen to someone complain about themselves. As a guy, I want to fix the complaints. But, it seems that's not what women always want. It's very frustrating.

    I agree. I think your ex-fiance got tired of the self-hate. Our men want to care for us. They do not like feeling helpless. Some stick it out for duration others knowing that they can't handle that type of added stress decides to exit the relationship instead.

    When I was 324 lbs I saw a Diva staring back at me and now that I'm 197 I still see a diva staring back at me. Now don't get me wrong I had my moments of self conciousness but I didn't allow them to overcome me and effect my relationships with others. I think you need to work on the mental part of weightloss so you can be more successful overall. It has to be attack daily. Every time that little voice tries to fill you with those negative thoughts you have to counter attack them with all the positives.

    Work on yourself and find yourself a healthy relationship. We all deserve to be loved.
  • BigBoneSista
    BigBoneSista Posts: 2,389 Member
    Thank you, I'll try that. I already try. but , lately Its just hard when our society is so foused on the "pretty people" I'm turning 22 in a month. I'm trying to think of what I wanna do but I don't feel comfortable going out anywhere. Not to mention, I'm already very shy... :/

    You think you aren't pretty but you are not only pretty you are beautiful. Don't allow the botox and liposuction fool you. Don't allow the photoshopped pictures fool you. I am a freelance makeup artist and I work with all types. Natural beauty beats out all the rest any day in my book.
  • Mveler
    Mveler Posts: 274 Member
    I am usually all about "bashing" a man. But in this case, what he said is true. It has been proven time and again, if you don't first love yourself then you can't expect someone else to love you.

    When you truly love yourself, only than can you give yourself wholly to another. No man who knows you now will know the true you because you have placed a barrier over yourself to avoid being hurt further by your own unhappiness.

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is not intended. It is important for you to do some soul searching and fix the problems that make you "not love yourself". Then and only then will you be ready for a meaningful relationship.
  • jessradtke
    jessradtke Posts: 418 Member
    I don't think it's wrong to think that way because there is truth to those words, but it can be self-destructive to let yourself STAY in that mind space and WALLOW in it. There is truth to those words for ANYONE, regardless of their weight or their looks. If you don't love and respect yourself, you will continue to make choices that are not in your best interest. Take a look at one sentence you wrote for just a minute. "I know that whoever loves me, should love me the way I am..." Do you realize that "Whoever loves me" includes YOURSELF?

    Also, being "more realistic" is not the same as being pessimistic. Optimism and pessimism are neither realistic or unrealistic in and of themselves. They are simply ways of thinking about, and looking at, yourself and the world around you. They are habitual patterns of JUDGING things. Do you look around and see everything that's missing from your life, or do you look at life and see everything you are thankful for? Both views can be based on reality, but they are focused on different parts of that reality.

    Admitting to yourself that you do not always act in ways that are best for you is a great start in my opinion. Being able to say that outloud means you are ready to change for the better. It can be difficult to learn how to truly love yourself unconditionally, but it is SO worth it! It is so empowering to truly be in charge of your own thoughts and not be dependent on other people for your happiness. I would suggest you start by making a list of things you DO love about yourself and that you are thankful for. Write them down, remind yourself of them several times a day, read your list to yourself in the mirror, and add to your list any time you think of another thing you appreciate about yourself and your life. If you want more suggestions, try googling something like "how to love yourself unconditionally". There are lots of sites and books out there.

    I know it can be easy to get stuck in a negative mindset, but please don't give up on yourself! You ARE worthy of love and worth loving!!
  • darkdestiny7
    darkdestiny7 Posts: 22
    I spent many years of bad relationships before I met my husband. I was convinced I would never get married. Then finally I stopped looking and started just being comfortable with me. Started getting to know me and who I was and what I liked and didn't like about myself. And out of the blue I met my husband and we were married after 5 months. I still have insecurities about myself and he knows what they are and when I feel down, he reminds me I'm beautiful. But first I had to think that about myself. Otherwise it didn't matter what anyone thought.

    You are beautiful. But it's not going to matter what anyone tells you if you don't believe it for yourself. Men, I think, feel inadequate if they say it and we shun their feelings. That's how I feel anyway.
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