I binged my way into "obesity," starved my way back out, and then I finally saw the light.

I was never fat as a child, although you couldn't have convinced me of that. I was overweight. Maybe chubby is the right word for it. The first time I remember going on any kind of diet was when I was twelve years old, and talk about unhealthy! I was probably exhibiting some disordered eating behaviors even then. I also remember, however, that I got really good feedback. From that point forward, I don't think I ever ate the right amount of food. It was always periods of eating too much or too little. In hindsight, I think I probably ate whatever I wanted until I felt like I was getting to be too heavy and then switched back into a period of eating too little until my weight went back down. I didn't consciously do that, but I know I was never eating the right amount - and I never went up or down in weight more than maybe ten pounds, so that's my theory.

Looking back, I can see all kinds of disordered eating behaviors. I definitely binged and hid food, although I wouldn't have known to call it binging, and I didn't recognize the implications of hiding food. I definitely restricted my calories severely, never deliberately fewer than 1200 calories, but it definitely wasn't enough food. I would eat the food that I was eating in tiny little bites. Diet coke was a treat. It just wasn't good. It wasn't until I was an adult that I started to learn more about disordered eating. I started to learn that just because one doesn't have a full-blown eating disorder, does not mean some of the same dangerous behaviors aren't there.

Fast forward to twenty-six years old. I quit smoking weed. I'd been smoking since I was seventeen, probably daily since eighteen. I can't remember what prompted me to quit smoking, but I do remember that I quickly replaced smoking with eating. A lot. Like gain-fifty-pounds-in-a-year a lot. It was all bad. I started to hate myself. I didn't even want to get in the shower and see myself, let alone leave the house and let other people see me. I felt so bad about everything, and it was scary too. I think I was pushing myself into diabetes or something like it because my hands and feet would get partially numb. I crossed over into an "obese" BMI. Talk about shame.. I tried all kinds of things to get myself to stop eating, even tried exercising to counter all the eating, but of course it didn't work. Well, eventually I started to realize that I'd replaced the weed with food. (It seems so obvious now, but I didn't see it right away.) I began to contemplate smoking again.

I kept trying to get it under control, but it wasn’t much longer before I decided to start smoking again. I decided that was the lesser of the two evils, simple as that. Once I started smoking, my desire to binge just disappeared. In fact, I transitioned right into a period of eating too little. I lacked appetite. I became full very quickly when I tried to eat. I put off eating because nothing appealed to me. I lost the fifty pounds in about eight months. That sounds like a pretty reasonable rate of loss, but I achieved it in the unhealthiest way. Looking back, I can very clearly see that there was some psychological aspect to those behaviors. I thought it was a true lack of appetite, but now I see that it was an aversion to food (read, weight gain) and a sort of superiority/control issue manifested as a lack of appetite.

Once I got back to my normal weight range, I seemed to get some appetite back. For the next year or so I reverted back to my milder (but still unhealthy) habits, and just as I had for most of my life, I stayed within about a ten-pound range. At one point my husband and I started to go to the gym very consistently. I wasn’t, however, doing anything differently with my food intake. Then we went on vacation. Need I say more? It took a couple months before we decided to get back to it.

Starting on May 18th of this year, we went back to the gym. We’re there around four days a week, and we focus on lifting weights. Triceps, chest, and shoulders one day; back and biceps the next; and finally leg day. Squats every day. I’m up to squatting 180 pounds! We try to run a little every time, although we’re not always successful! I just did my fastest mile ever at 9 minutes and 20 seconds, and you’re talking to someone who never ran a full mile until maybe a year ago (and to someone who, back in high school, couldn’t even make it one lap around the track!). I also love to stretch. I do it at the end of workouts or on its own. Just this week I’ve reached a point where I can put my palms flat on the floor, knees locked, feet together! I’m also very conscious of my food now. I started out at a slight deficit and then quickly realized that I don’t particularly want to lose weight. I want to lose fat, so I started eating at maintenance and focusing on getting enough protein.

I have never seen so many changes in my body! I used to be a cardio kind of girl all day, a low-calorie cardio girl at that, but I’m converted! I absolutely love lifting weights and getting stronger. Since I started in May, I’ve lost twelve pounds of fat (six percent of my body fat!) and gained two pounds of muscle. That’s not saying anything though. Here’s what blows my mind: Right before I started binging, I was at my lowest weight ever. I went out and bought clothes, but I quickly couldn’t wear them anymore. At my lowest weight ever, I was fifteen pounds lighter than I am now. Today, those clothes that I bought at that low weight.. they fit! Clothes that only ever fit when I was fifteen pounds lighter! Talk about reshaping your body! For the first couple months I couldn’t stop rubbing my arms and my legs because I couldn’t believe the muscle. The other thing that blows my mind: how much food I can eat! As someone who used to try to do the 1200 calorie thing, I would have laughed in your face if you’d told me I could eat 2000+ calories a day and get the results I’m getting now. It’s amazing.

And maybe the coolest thing of all? This feels like a true lifestyle change. It feels sustainable, and I’ve finally realized that I can’t expect perfection. I think we all know that, but I think it’s really easy to forget and to get down on one’s self for making less-than-ideal choices. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m going to do this forever, I’m going to have days or even longer periods of time where I’m not doing as well as I could be. That’s just life. It doesn’t mean I’ve lost sight of my health goals or that I’m a bad person or that I have to start all over. It’s to be expected.

Now that I’m here at the end of this post, I’m not sure exactly why I wanted to post this story. I suppose it was originally the pictures I wanted to post, but I’m glad I wrote this. It feels kind of nice to talk about it, even if no one reads it!



October 3rd 2013 - - - - - - October 22nd 2014 - - - - - - June 29th 2015 - - - - - - November 29th 2015


early spring 2014 - - - - - - July 31st 2015


February 17th 2015 - - - - - - July 31st 2015


October 3rd 2013 - - - - - - November 29th 2015