Please Help Me Help My Teen Step-Daughter!

Brandie6004 · June 2011

Hey

I’m looking for advice from parents and women with “thick” legs and/or “bat wings”. Here’s the thing; my 13 (almost 14) yr old step-daughter is visiting us (her dad and I) for a few weeks. I need some help in trying to help her self-confidence/esteem, eating healthy on her own and without healthy options being available to her and getting/staying active. Where’s what’s going on; during our first meal with her she tells us that she’s trying to watch her calories and sugars. (I had not mentioned my own new habit of calorie counting to her.) Her reasons, or at least what she says, is that “I got tired of feeling all gross all the time” and that she wants to be able to have fun shopping with her friends (she wears a 15/17/xl in jr’s) In the short time that she is here w her father and I, we would like to give her the tools to be as healthy as she can in her situation. She is also very concerned with a few of her body parts.

1) She’s about 5’2, and has a very large frame. To give you an idea, most cuff bracelets do not fit her wrist or are really tight on her. She also loves the converse style knee-high boots but cannot wear them; her calves are about 2 or 3 inches too big (it’s not just her calves, but her whole leg). She is overweight for her height (she’s 174) but I wouldn’t say she’s “fat”. …and she does have “bat wings” but a tiny waist and a flat tummy (so flat she always looks like she’s sucking it in!). I don’t have the same “problem” areas as her so outside of letting her know that I don’t think her legs are a large as she feels and pointing out all the things that are beautiful about her, I’m not sure what else to say or do; any words of wisdom or something to help her learn to love what she has would be VERY much appreciated! Also, she loves over-the-calf-boots but is unable to find anything “cute” (fun, trendy and “not old looking”), so if anybody knows of a place to get cute, fun, and “not old looking “over the calf boots, PLEASE let me know!

2) Life at her bio-mom’s isn’t “ideal” (health wise)… her mom is yo-yo dieter and I’m not sure she (her bio-mom) even really knows how to be healthy. Her step-father is border line diabetic with a family history of diabetes and always says things along the lines of “I don’t care, I’m gonna eat what I want when I want”. They eat out A LOT (most days of the week) and live in a really small town where the Chili’s is the healthiest place. Her bio-mom does NOT like to cook and hardly does. I’m also worried about unhealthy habits from her bio-mom and how they can impact a young teen because her bio-mom is pregnant (7 months) and the dr.s are telling her to eat more because she is losing weight. SD says that the dr. has told her mom several times to eat healthier so that she can eat enough for herself and the baby but her mother is not listing because she doesn’t want to gain more weight; and she had told her bio-mom many times to listen to the dr. but bio-mom just keeps saying that she doesn't want to gain weight.

I’m worried that her thoughts of food and calories may already be warped; she said the other day that 1200 calories is a lot. I tried the best I could to explain that is the lowest amount that should be eaten… I also, got concerned when she was saying that she was “so hungry still but I don’t want eat anything else because my lunch was so bad…” after dinner. I had to tell her several times to eat if she was still hungry.

All I have for her right now is to measure everything and to try to make the healthiest choice possible while eating out. This is hard enough as an adult out with supportive family and friends, but to try to do this as a teen with an unsupportive parent… So ANY tips, hints and/or advice on how to eat healthier when it really is not available to you are VERY much appreciated!

3) Also, besides walking there isn’t anything else active that she does. There isn’t a YMCA for her to join, not that her mom would; and their finances really don’t allow for sd to enroll in any group sports (no, she would not sign her up if her bio-dad sent extra money for things like that because she [bio-mom] “does not have the time to drive around town” [we live in another state, so we can’t drive her around]. We’ve tried to send extra money or offer to drive her around [when we lived just an hr away] before) her mom will not get a Netflix account, and they don’t have wireless internet, so there is no streaming to their Wii. …and she gets no sound on the pc at her bio-mom’s; her step-dad has the sound or something hooked up to “his” pc for his gaming and is unwilling to change it. So again, any ideas that can help her stay more active when she goes back to CO would be great! (Oh yeah, her friends aren’t very active or really into anything either…)

Thank you all SO much for any tips, suggestions, ideas, words of support and encouragement that I can pass along to her!

dayzeerock · June 2011

I really don't have any actual advice, but I want to tell you how awesome you are for taking an active role in your step-daughter's life. I think that is a really great thing for you to do, so kudos!

saramarilyn · June 2011

There is a hgood book I've been reading called "Diet Drama" by Nancy Redd. It's a very quirky book on self-esteem and weight. Great for young girls, a lot of photos of real women and how to take care of yourself for the right reasons, not just for vanity.

Froggy1976 · June 2011

If you were to buy her a few exercise DVDs to take back with her do you think she would use them?

epj78 · June 2011

I just have a few minutes and didn't read all your posts - but will later! I have the same body shape as your step Daughter it sounds like.

Here are some basic things. Knee length a-line skirts with fitted tops are her best friend. Pair it with tanks (I know sounds odd - but draws attention away from the arms) and in cooler weather 3/4 length cardigans over the tanks.

Dresses - make sure they are fitted on top with a waist!!! Anything to accentuate the waist!!!

Back later.

atucker_mom · June 2011

I think that you are doing a great job, just keep telling her everything you are already telling her. Here are a few thoughts on things you could do to help her when she goes home.

1. Buy her some dvd's to work out to. Try them while she is with you so that you know it is something she can do and that she will enjoy. She will need several because they get old fast.

2. Encourage her to half everything. Most eat out portions are huge, and if that is all she is eating then half of what comes is better than all of it. Also help her with choices - salad over fries, grilled over fried, etc...all of these little changes will add up and help.

3. Send her home with a stash of healthier snacks. Things she can keep for her, that won't go bad. Almost anything is better than cookies and little debbies, which is what i would assume to be the choices avaliable.

4. Help her learn how to read labels and measure and understand what she is putting into her body!

Then, just keep in touch and encourage her. Let her know that she will have good days and bad days and that that is ok!

Best of luck to you both!

hummzz · June 2011

I would first get her signed up with MFP and continue to set an example by what you're doing. Also if her mama doesn't have the financial ability to get her a membership to YMCA or whatever maybe her father can spring for it. Yes I'm sure he pays child support already, but nothing wrong with going over and beyond what he is "liable" for. I think if you take her under her wing while she is with you and have her do your exercises with you and show her how it works for you she may be able to carry that home with her. The unfortunate thing is the mama has to encourage her as well and maybe...just maybe...the teen can teach the mama about nutrition and a healthy lifestyle.

jennmoore3 · June 2011

This is a hard topic. I have 12 year old twin girls, so I know about girls. She does seem a bit plump, but I am so not sure how to go about it. What about having her live with you guys over the summer? Maybe you can undo some of the damage. If her mother really doesn't want to do anything with her, maybe she would go for letting her live with you full time?

bstamps12 · June 2011

Wow, tough situation but it is great that at least you and your husband care about her health! If you were to send her extra money, could she possibly purchase fruits/veggies/crackers/etc. on her own to eat at her bio-mom's house...like if she went w/ bio-mom to grocery store and just made her own small purchase every week, or if there is a store within walking distance of her home that she could go to? Could you possibly take her to buy some workout DVD's, resistance bands, etc. that she could take back to bio-mom's house to workout with? And maybe even a teen health book that she could read specifically targeted to her age group...check it out and make sure, but I bet they would recommend over 1200 calories for someone her age and maybe that would help get her thinking straight instead of warped about what is healthy and what is not. That's all I can think of except to make as may positive comments to her as you can while she is with you!

kathleennf · June 2011

Great post! I want to follow it to see advice for my niece as well. If you could get her on MFP and add her as your "friend" maybe you could work on the diet together? I don't think she is too young and it sounds like she needs some good mentorship. Also remind her of stuff we have learned- like just how much fat and calories are in salads and other supposedly healthy restaurant foods!!

Here's a great book suggestion: "It's So You" by Mary Sheehan Warren. You can get it on Amazon. It has concrete fashion advice for every body shape and a whole chapter on teens.

ajostraat · June 2011

Wow! Tough situation there.

You're pretty well said you're doing this, but for the time you do have her at your house, try teaching your SD more about caloric intakes and healthy choices and encourage her to ask her bio-mom to keep healthier foods on hand in the house (I'm thinking salads and raw veggies).

As far as when she goes back to CO, and depending on what part of the state they live in, there are plenty of outdoor activities she can enjoy. Even so, it sounds like self-transportation may also be an issue. How do you feel about suggesting splitting teh cost on/giving her a mountain bike? If she's interested in more of an indoor routine, personal dvd players have come down in price A TON.

It sucks because it does sound like your SD is going to have to do this much on her own at her Mom's, but at least she knows she'll have support from you all!

brneydgrlie · June 2011

There are several things you can do with your (step)daughter -

1) Many restaurants have their menus online. You can show her this. Maybe she can start picking the healthiest choice for her to eat before she gets to the restaurant.

2) Let her know the huge importance and benefit of drinking water!

3) If she is interested, start teaching her to cook. She can help you make dinner, an learn more about portion sizes, healthy choices and/or substitutes, and maybe find out she would like to cook for her family at her other home.

4) Take evening walks with her. Not just for exercise, but it can be a real time for bonding, and it may be easier for her to let you know what is on her mind while you are being active.

And re #1 - if she does not have internet at home, she can look up her favorite things online with you, and write them down to take home with her.

blahlemon · June 2011

Good luck, you're not her Mom and are very unlikely to have an impact.

Hows her relationship with her dad though? He will have more influence and if he's willing to help the biggest benefit will come from him encouraging her.

TheMaidOfAstolat · June 2011

Hmmm.

First off...without coming off as saying that the bio mom is not a good mom...but your SD is at the age where she can choose where to live on a full time basis. If she wants to move in with you and her dad, the courts will uphold her decision.

Second, get her some dvds to work out too. Remind her to go on walks/runs...these require nothing but good shoes. Take her shopping for a good pair when she visits.

Third, sign her up on MFP so y'all can keep in touch and she can have feedback and support from new friends.

Fourth, just be there to listen when possible.

lilygirl2468 · June 2011

It's so great that you're going to be helping her! You've gotten some excellent advice already, so I'll just say this about her calorie views... they do sound out of whack if she thinks 1200 is a lot. I think it's a good idea to emphasize that stressing out the body can make it hold onto weight out of self-defense--I know this personally!--and that dipping below 1200 can start leading to starvation mode and the body getting better and better at storing fat because it thinks it's famine time.

thegirl68 · June 2011

I wonder if the online version of weight watchers would help her? I believe they have a large amount of info on eating out to assist with making better choices.

susiewusie · June 2011

What a lovely woman you are ,she is lucky to have you in her life ,is there no chance she could stay with you and her dad for even a few months to get her started on healthy eating and exercise which she could maybe keep going if/when she goes back to her mams ? :flowerforyou:

Lindsayrob · June 2011

I cant add much to what has already been said, apart from, what about teaching her to cook? If you can get her interested in cooking good healthy meals, her whole family would benefit, and she would be equipped with an important skill for the future.
I'm in UK, where there are plenty of healthy cookery books which appeal to teenagers, and I'm sure you must have the same.
Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food is a great one, which has simple and healthy recipes.
My teenage daughter is signed up to MFP, but I wouldnt be happy about her doing it if she didn't have close supervision. I am able to make sure she spreads her calorie intake over the day, and that she doesn't get too obsessed with calories
Good luck to you all, and she's lucky to have you taking such an interest in her health
Lindsay

TheMaidOfAstolat · June 2011

Good luck, you're not her Mom and are very unlikely to have an impact.

Hows her relationship with her dad though? He will have more influence and if he's willing to help the biggest benefit will come from him encouraging her.

Um...her SD sought out her help....not the help of of the bio-mom. Trust me....she has a HUGE impact on this girls life.

missymunchkin · June 2011

The only thing I want to add is that you reinforce over and over and over (and over) that she is beautiful just the way she is and doesn't need to lose weight to be beautiful, or pretty, or cute. Tell her that this is about being healthy, not about being skinny. Skinny is not worth it, healthy is!

srilankan_kitten · June 2011

It's so great that you're going to be helping her! You've gotten some excellent advice already, so I'll just say this about her calorie views... they do sound out of whack if she thinks 1200 is a lot. I think it's a good idea to emphasize that stressing out the body can make it hold onto weight out of self-defense--I know this personally!--and that dipping below 1200 can start leading to starvation mode and the body getting better and better at storing fat because it thinks it's famine time.

I agree!!

It's awesome that you are doing what you can to support her and looking into ways to help her – even from a distance. I would make sure that you explain to her, and that she really understands, that her body needs at least a certain number of calories to survive (and that 1200 is NOT a lot), and if she tries to eat less than that in the long run it might actually make her gain weight. The key is to eat enough for her body to function normally, but less than what she is currently consuming. Tell her that what her bio-mom is doing isn't the healthy way to lose weight (while pregnant no less!) and that diets DO NOT WORK. A healthy lifestyle - better food choices and being active is the right way to do it....and that 1-2 lbs per week is the safest and healthiest way to lose and keep it off. I wish someone had explained that to me!

Also, get her on MFP so that she can find the support and motivation she needs.

stefraab · June 2011

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say how glad I am that she has someone with a healthy view of food in her life. It's too bad her mom doesn't share the same perspective.

Brandie6004 · June 2011

Thank you all SO MUCH for the tips and advice!

I'd like to address a few things...

About bio-dad paying for "extra" items (bikes, sports-sign-ups, and the such); we are happy to pay for "extras" when we are able to do so. We understand that having kids means they cost more than X amount and most importantly, although sd doesn't live *with* us she is still part of our family and do not mind paying for "extras" as we would with our children. The problem, sadly, is with her bio-mom; she is unwilling to do anything more than she has to if she doesn't want to or if it means going out of her way. (ex: sd could really use some tutoring in math; bio-dad tried to talk to bio-mom and offer to pay for it. ...but bio-mom wouldn't talk to bio-dad and told sd that she's not going to drive all the way there for that [to a "professional tutor"] and she didn't trust a high schooler to tutor sd [but then got a hs-er to tutor her other child] that is sadly one example of many.) ...I don't know... It seems, that for some reason, bio-mom is perfectly happy with bio-dad not doing anything more than paying child support and her portion of sd's med-bills.

About sd's relationship w bio-dad: When visiting us she tends to come to talk to me about things and I think it's becasue I'm not "daaaad" or a "boy" but there is no question when you see them together that they love each other very much. She's a little bit of a daddy's girl and like every little girl w a loving daddy, she has him wrapped around her little finger (but not too tightly!)

About sd living w bio-dad and I: We would **LOVE** it! ...but she doesn't want to. A year and a half ago we found out about our move to tx (husband's job relocated) and at the same time she said she wanted to move in with us. We knew what a big change it would be for her to change parents (life is VERY different between life at her bio-mom's and bio-dad's) and then to add moving to a new state on top of that. We told her the pros and cons of both and we were as nurtral as we could be. For months and months she said that she wanted to move w bio-dad and I but then suddenly one weekend end she said she didn't know what she wanted and it staied that way until just weeks before we moved. With how she (sd) has behaved and said for YEARS AND YEARS (and even today) about life at her bio-moms we were shocked that she decided to stay. She has NEVER (even at a yr later) given a reason for staying at ther bio-moms. I think there is a major puzzle peice missing and sd has it and is unwilling to share it... even with all of that she knows that she doesn't even have to ask if she wanted to move in with us. (I do not think extended family is her reason for staying in co. she NEVER sees anybody on bio-dad's side now and hardly ever sees anybody on her bio-mom's. The only "family" is her step-dad's family and she's not really fond of them and can't stand going to her step-grandmother's place...) anyways...

Again, thank you all SO MUCH for the tips and advice and if anybody happens to think of anything else the please let me know!

tallandfat · June 2011

you are a great woman... i wish my "mother" were like u..

christine24t · June 2011

I agree with the above poster, you sound like a great woman!! I'm glad you want to help your stepdaughter! I would definitely help her set up a MFP account if she seems interested in watching her weight...I don't know if at her age she needs to be on the message boards but I would encourage her use of the food diary!
If she will do exercise DVDs, buy her a couple and do them with her at your house so when she goes back home she knows how to do them. Also, maybe buy her the "Eat This Not That" books or rent them from the library...they do have what to eat at Chili's in there! It's so helpful and surprising!
Also, about the boots - not sure about what kind of boots she's looking for, but stores like Macy's offer a lot of more different boot choices in wide calf...no matter how much I lose weight, my calves are still muscular and normal boots don't fit. I'm planning on buying a pair of leather boots in the fall and am planning on buying wide calf.
Lastly, I agree with the poster about telling her it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy (and if she gets healthier, she may get skinnier!) Maybe you could mail her food "care packages" once a month with fresh hand fruits, healthy cereals, etc?
Good luck! Please let us here at MFP know what happens!

ascoope · June 2011

Good luck, you're not her Mom and are very unlikely to have an impact.

Hows her relationship with her dad though? He will have more influence and if he's willing to help the biggest benefit will come from him encouraging her.

Wow what an attitude.
Anyone can be a positive influence in her life and it sounds like she needs someone who can help her make some healthier choices, both for her self image and her body.

blahlemon · July 2011

Just because the truth is a nasty piece of business doesn't make it any less true. The father is more likely (statistically speaking) to have/exert influence especially since she is not the bio-mom.

Please Help Me Help My Teen Step-Daughter!

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