A Poem.....A Mother's Prayer

Ok.....i have been PM'd by a few of my friends asking if im ok, if i wanna talk, what's wrong, because i havent been my usual outgoing,supportive self. i told you that have asked that i wrote a poem 7 years ago and thought that if i typed it up and posted it i may get feedback on how to proceed..this scares the living daylights out of me, because its very personal, and very tramatic time in my life. i warn you this is the most difficult thing for a parent to read, so if you have kids, i hope that you love them and spend time with them, because you never know how long you have with them....

all this said if you continue have tissues ready!!



A mother's prayer

As a child, A little girls wish.
It's easy to dream as a child will do,
It's to grow up, be a wife,
And a mommy of more than two!

You become a teen,
That means partying for most.
Not for me tho,
I wanted to be a mommy the most!

In my early 20's ,
It was all work for me.
I wanted a career in place,
That's how I wanted it to be!

With children the ultimate goal,
A picture perfect in mind.
The ultimate business now in place,
Now it was time, a husband to find!

The fairy tale it was, they say.
The husband, the home,
The white picket fence,
The Time for children has come!

Now 27, the vision come true.
After months of trying
When I realize I'm finally pregnant
That's when I start crying!

I fed you, and loved you
From the very start
I read to you in the womb
I was playing a mommies part!

I was ecstatic, I was amazed
How I could love one I'd never met.
Would you be happy and healthy,
Yes, I was willing to bet!

You're here,it was love at first sight.
Tho you had me sick alot,
It doesn't matter, I don't care,
Your finally here my little Tot!

I looked in your eyes
Counted your fingers and toes.
Yes, you are perfect.
Perfect as anyone knows!

Seventeen months later
I find myself pregnant again.
My first is special, my baby girl.
my little munchkin.

She is happy to have,
along the way,
A brother or sister
With which to play!

I'm feeling fine, but something is off,
I'm gaining weight, more than most.
Something it different
I want to be a mommy the most!

Very early on I knew,
Without a doubt in my mind.
Within my body I carried,
It was twins that I would find!

Time for a sonogram
I knew with all my might.
Hubby thought I was crazy,
But it turned out, I was right!

There you are, on the screen,
My two little Angels, so...
Perfect as you can be.
Little did I know!

We have a problem,
Something isn't right.
Health problems galore,
I pray with all my might!

Four months go by, you stress
Still nothing has changed.
With God,I could make a deal
I thought with time, I could arrange!

He wasn't there, he was out,
That mid October night.
He wasn't listening
Tho I prayed with all my might!

I begged and I pleaded, to no avail!
What did I do to deserve this roast?
I've been a good girl, all of my life,
I just wanted to be a mommy most!

There were born premature,
They were very tiny, I know!
Yet perfect at a glance
Ten little fingers, ten little toes!

Within twelve hours
I had to kiss my baby,Give him a hug
Not enough time to tell him,
How much he is loved!

I'm feeling guilty, and confused,
What did I do so terribly,
I don't know how, so empty inside.
I deal with this unbearably!

I have to focus, now upon the other
I think to myself,
How could God do this to me
I have to put my feelings on the shelf

With all my time spent with him,
I read him books, day and night.
I sing to him,while others watch
Things start to look bright.

Others watch thinking as I did,
That can never happen to me.
I only had one dream in life
The mommy I wanted to be!

The phone calls in the dead of night,
He's having a difficult time
I rush to his side
Because he is mine!

He needs my strength,
I put my faith, in His hands
I prayed and prayed for 32 days.
Where does it get me in the end?

Something a mother should
Never have to do
Not only had I had to bury one,
Now I must bury two!

I finally got to hold him
It is time, I will not lie.
I've dreaded having to do this
I must say my goodbyes !

Again I must hold another,
And with not enough time,
I give him a hug and a kiss
Tell him I love him, he is always mine!

I have nothing left within me,
I feel i have been turned to mush!
Where do I go from here,
My heart is absolutely crushed!

I put my focus on my daughter
I can't eat, I dont sleep
I have one thought prominent in mind
One day my Angels, again I'll meet!

I feel I have let them down.
I don't understand, What did I do
This is all my fault
I feel in my heart, this is true!

Two months later, to my shock
Down 42 lbs, and barely here
Lost, alone, having cut myself off
I find out, there is another child near

I'm confused and terrified
That I will be punished yet again,
I wish I had the strength
To have faith in Him, amen?

I don't believe,
in God,I have no faith.
I believe in Hell tho,
have seen it myself!

There must be a Heaven, I think
It is where my Angels await.
This new child chose me
Before it was too late!

I knew I had to eat
tho I still can't sleep.
I still wait for the phone to ring
My feelings still are cut deep!

I eat, and put my life
Somewhat on track.
Your my Evan from Heaven
You're here, you have my back!

Without losing my Angels
I would not have him here,
Major guilt issues, I have
Mixed feelings are always near!

I love my children
All four, the most
All I ever wanted
Was to be a mommy the most!