How do you deal with resistance to weight loss?

Nerdycurls · December 2015

I was able to successfully lose 22 pounds and I've been able to keep it off! I'm pretty proud of myself for that achievement, and know there's still more work to be done. Unfortunately, because of this accomplishment, I've had all kinds of people making comments or doing things which seem like sabotage.

In my cultural/ethnic community, people are expected to eat. And eat. And eat! When you go over to someone's house, and if you aren't eating 2 helpings you are being rude. If you're served dessert and don't eat it, you're being rude. Then what happens is the host/hostess (usually a hostess) makes a complaint that usually ends up going all the way to your mother, and then it's not great from there. What I tried to do was eat a little bit beforehand, and have a very small serving of the food that's offered. What ends up happening is I get comments like "why aren't you eating?" and "you barely eat, there's so much food left." Of course, I do get served dessert (without being asked or requesting it) and I "have" to eat it.

I don't want to appear ungrateful. Usually the hostesses are very nice people, and they're related to family. But how do I politely turn down offers of food, without wrecking my calorie count for the day? People don't measure or track calories when they make rasmalai, or biryani rice, or chow mein noodles. It's an odd thing to suggest tracking calories, so no one does it.

Another issue is people (within the community or family) have been making comments about my appearance. One cousin remarked that I looked "so skinny," and she said it with concern (I'm 5'4" and a size 14, hardly "skinny"). Other relations tell me that I look good and shouldn't do any more to lose weight or I might end up looking bad. Yes...very backhanded, I know. But it happens.

My first thought was to briefly share I'm taking better care of my health, and that means I'm losing weight to get into shape and eating a healthier diet. I can't say that because it would freak people out, and then they'd do more to sabotage. My husband is the only one who's supportive of my weight loss, and thinks I should be more open about it. I learned the hard way about being more open, and it just leaves you open for people to take out their personal issues tied to weight and eating onto you. So, no go.

What are your suggestions? Yes, I'm aware I'm responsible for what I eat. Yes, I'm aware I need to do my very best with tracking my food accurately. That's a given. What I'm asking about are how to address these issues within a cultural context.

Flybeetle · December 2015

Yes, that's a really tough one...
I know where you're coming from as my in-laws are from a very food-oriented culture. We have BIG lunches that stretch out over most of the day and if I wasn't incredibly rigid in putting my foot down, my mother in law would be delivering her food to our house many times a week (I have it down to 1.5 times per week now...).

It's hard because, as I can hear in what you write, you also care about not offending anyone. I personally decided that my body and how I feel in it are more important than offending my in-laws, which means that I have to assert myself and refuse food all the time. It's exasperating and I cringe every time because I feel incredibly rude, but the other option is to feel physically and emotionally suffocated by food.

I think the trickiest thing with food-cultures is that food stands for "love" and "family/community", so when you refuse food, people feel personally rejected. That is hard. I say "no" to the food but emphasise how much I loved the food that I did have and how much I enjoy spending time with my family (in-laws). It doesn't change the fact that I usually get the feeling like I'm letting someone down, but after a year or so I think they've gotten more used to it. We do the "have some more" "no, thanks I'm full. Really. Trust me. I am!!!" Dance every SINGLE time but there seems to be less emotional pressure coming with it.

As for the comments on your body- if you could grow (figuratively) thicker skin overnight, I think that would be the answer. Shrug it off and try to detach from those comments, they're not about you but about them.

And finally, congrats on the awesome weight loss! xo

Nerdycurls · December 2015

Flybeetle wrote: »

We do the "have some more" "no, thanks I'm full. Really. Trust me. I am!!!" Dance every SINGLE time but there seems to be less emotional pressure coming with it.

Oh yes, I did some of this dance too. It didn't seem to work...especially since the hostess kept dishing up plates with dessert. She kept tabs on who was eating their dessert, and would check to make sure you ate it. I noticed she did this especially with me, and not the other ladies there who were thinner/smaller. Seems like sabotage to me.

My husband is probably the biggest offender. He has always been naturally thin, and complained to me about losing weight. I measure my food with a scale, and have been pretty good about logging. I need the site to log, and he complains about how my eating habits are "wack" and how I need to learn to estimate.

tomatoey · December 2015

Be firm, keep being firm, and they'll get used to it over time. I mean, accept what they serve, but insist on a tiny piece (e.g. a "sliver" of cake. Or refuse desserts if you want, but not the main or appetizers.)Eventually, as a group, they'll decide you're a bit strange and relent a bit, as your reputation for being a health nut is solidified.

Surely there was at least one person in all your growing up like that, someone who had allergies (or "allergies") or was really into vitamins. At some point, those people are accepted as they are, but it takes a lot of strength.

And offer profuse compliments on what you do eat.

cafeaulait7 · December 2015

Yes, I was going to say to take a taste at least and say how wonderful it is! That's usually all the cook wants, but then again, I'm not Indian or Pakistani... or Italian

You could say that you get full so easily since losing weight, maybe your stomach shrunk, etc. Say your stomach will ache if you eat that much food, lol. They wouldn't put you through tummy troubles, I hope!

But I would plan on taking bites of everything, and ask for really small portions so that you don't waste their leftovers --I'd remind them someone else could enjoy it the next day because it's so delicious.

tulips_and_tea · December 2015

"And offer profuse compliments on what you do eat." - THIS! Really, it's not about the actual quantity of food you eat. Deflect with praise and compliments. Eat only what you want and in the quantity you want. Be consistent and firm, as others have mentioned.

As far as comments about your body, if it's a compliment just say "thank you" and stop talking or change the subject. If it's not a compliment, then just say "I'm healthy" and again, stop talking and move on.

MsJulesRenee · December 2015

I'm Italian, my family is always pushing food one me. On days I know I'm going to my grandparent's house I make a really small breakfast (egg white omelette with veggies), skip lunch, and eat a large dinner. From experience if I'm open about my weight loss goals it seems like they push even harder so I don't mention it any more. If they say "oh, you lost weight! You should eat more.", I politely say I am working out a lot more and then don't even mention anything about food. Most people think you lose weight from exercising, not watching calories, so they just accept it and move on to bother someone else.

azulvioleta6 · December 2015

OP, which culture is this?

Nerdycurls · December 2015

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

OP, which culture is this?

I'm Indian.

Nerdycurls · December 2015

MsJulesRenee wrote: »

From experience if I'm open about my weight loss goals it seems like they push even harder so I don't mention it any more.

YES! This has been my experience, too! I thought being open and honest would set a great example, but it doesn't. People complain how there's something magical about weight loss, and when they see it's about changing your eating habits and incorporating physical activity...well, it's something.

tomatoey · December 2015

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

OP, which culture is this?

Doesn't matter, there is maybe a handful (maybe) of cultures where moms and aunties and grandmas aren't going to take food refusal personally and make at least a little stink about it.

Expatmommy79 · December 2015

Op - first of all if they complain to your mom that is on them not you. I'm assuming you are independent and won't be grounded by your mom? So f them.

I'm Indian. I get it.

I share a desert with my DH. I have a bite, he eats the rest. They can dish up as much as they want, you simply say "DH and I will be sharing".

If they look butt hurt, take home a doggy bag of leftovers and give it to your mom next time you see her for her to eat.

If they don't feed the thin people but push food on you they are doing it on purpose - it's not ok.

I would re examine your relationship with your mom and why you are worried about people complaining to her.

And you are right - those aunties are trying to sabotage you. Why should you consider their feelings if they won't consider yours?

I go out 2-4x a week for dinner and not one of my "friends" has tried to sabotage me. Time to reevaluate if you want these people in your life. If they won't take no for an answer, try to derail you, treat the skinny people differently, and then complain to your family - do you want them around??

suzan06 · December 2015

So, my family is not like this, but my in laws, oh lord. They are just regular old white Americans, but man they are food pushers. It is insane. I once snapped at my MIL to stop pushing food at my little niece, she was going to give her an eating disorder (long story short, it was a huge power struggle over food, for no reason).

Anyway, DH has health related dietary issues, and FIL is always trying to convince DH to eat steak, bacon, etc, just the worst possible food for someone with heart disease! It is to the point that H actively avoids being around his father at meal times. He tries to arrange visits so they don't center on food.

For MIL and FIL both, I am much more willing to stand up and be borderline rude (well, I would argue they are the rude ones, but you know what I mean). I use a very firm tone of voice and tell them to stop asking me, I already said I don't want anymore. And then I leave the eating area if they persist.

Of course that is a bit harder to do if you are invited over for a meal, specifically. So maybe decline meal invitations and plan other get togethers instead, for awhile. Or if you accept the meal invitation, let them know up front that you are eating a certain way right now for health reasons, so you would love to com,e but you won't be eating much, and please don't be offended. Then if they are pushy in person, say "well, I did let you know over the phone that I am eating a certain way for my health. If that makes you uncomfortable I certainly understand, and I will leave, perhaps we can catch up another time". Basically, be passive aggressive

I do think H has good luck when he throws out the health card (with everyone except FIL, that is!). I mean, really, are you going to tell the guy with heart disease to eat more bacon? You would have to be more vague, but certainly you could say your doctor advised that you needed to make some changes, and what with health care being so expensive these days, blah blah blah, you thought you better listen so you don't end up in hospital.

How do you deal with resistance to weight loss?

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