anyone else here with a disfunction family who stresses you out and makes you overeat

brenn24179
brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
edited November 27 in Health and Weight Loss
I have done a lot of forgiveness with my family. My parents looked the other way when I went thru a divorce and offered no comfort to me at all, even had dinner with my ex and the lady he left me for over Christmas.

I made up my mind then to not go back on Xmas Day but I did get with her the week before Christmas over the years and even went to a soup kitchen and worked on Xmas Day. I just wanted to be somewhere people were not mean to me.

She calls tonight and says come up Xmas Day, your brothers will be here. My half brothers never come in and never call me. I have reached out to them but they never make any effort, have even told me I need to find something to do. Whenever I am around one brother he goes into the other room (he does others like this also).

I will get with my Mom a week before Xmas like always and my adult children will be there. I want Xmas day to myself, it just gives me some peace, dignity. I plan on telling her I cant do everything, we will be together Sun and if the brothers want to see me they can or call me. I could be honest and say you were not there for me in my pain so I made other arrangements on Xmas Day but that would probably just cause a fight.

Bottom line, I want Christmas Day without her. I feel I have to take care of myself. I don't think I am holding a grudge, I guess this is just the consequence of her not caring for me and I want to be with caring people on Christmas Day. Can anyone relate?

Probably my parents are a lot of the root cause of my overeating. They were so cold and uncaring and still are. I do best I can with it so I can live with myself but Christmas Day is mine. No she cant have it.

Replies

  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,338 Member
    I can relate. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. If they don't like it, oh well. Your peace of mind is most important, finally. xo
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    thank you, someone told me to quit being negative on the home page but I think if we don't work thru this stuff we will overeat.
  • soulofgrace
    soulofgrace Posts: 175 Member
    Sometimes I wish I could spend Christmas with only the family I made, however I do still choose to spend time with each of my parents on that day. And, yes the whole day is a stressfest for me. I honestly can't explain why I still engage. My mother left when I was 11 years old, but I can't really blame her for my weight. For me, its important I take responsibility for that. Take care, and I hope you have a great holiday! :)
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,195 Member
    Focus on having a happy holiday with your younger family members. At age 62, you are entitled to make your own decisions about who you want to spend time with and which parts of your family deserve your focus.

    Nobody else can MAKE you eat--stress or not, you are always responsible for what you put in your mouth.
  • ForeverSunshine09
    ForeverSunshine09 Posts: 966 Member
    I will visit my parents but, only my mom and step-dad on Christmas day and my in laws. My dad always has his Christmases a few days before. My extended family causes much grief. I am suppose to go to my mom's side the weekend after Christmas. They are mostly horrible Ppl! I go mostly for my grandma but, I am seriously considering not going this year because I just end up pissed off.
  • prettysoul1908
    prettysoul1908 Posts: 200 Member
    Do whatever is best for YOUR mental health. If that is spending Christmas alone, do that.

    I don't know any of your backstory but It also sounds like you (and your family) could benefit from some counseling. Help Work thru your pain. Maybe the others don't know how you feel? May he there'r some misunderstandings? Your mom inviting you could be her way to mend fences? Of course I'm grasping for straws. But I love to see positive resolutions.

    All in all... I wish you peace and comfort. And again... Do what's best for you
  • Larissa_NY
    Larissa_NY Posts: 495 Member
    Dysfunctional family that stresses me out, yep, check, but they don't make me overeat. What I eat is my decision, not theirs.

    If you want to spend Christmas by yourself, spend it by yourself. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior, and people who want their kids around them when they age should maybe not treat those kids like crap. You reap what you sow.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I don't see my siblings, parents or inlaws for holidays any more. I was never an emotional eater so that was never an issue. It is very relaxing to not spend my holidays with people just because of duty. When I made the effort for years to be there they made me feel bad or ignored me.
    Learn to let go of people who don't care about you and just spend your time and energy with other people or where you want to be.
  • snikkins
    snikkins Posts: 1,282 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    I don't see my siblings, parents or inlaws for holidays any more. I was never an emotional eater so that was never an issue. It is very relaxing to not spend my holidays with people just because of duty. When I made the effort for years to be there they made me feel bad or ignored me.
    Learn to let go of people who don't care about you and just spend your time and energy with other people or where you want to be.

    Yes! You're allowed to write out anyone who doesn't care about you, whether they're family or not.
  • pollypocket1021
    pollypocket1021 Posts: 533 Member
    I've done holidays on my own and skipped out on things that I might have felt obligated to go to and I don't regret it for a second. It can be so freeing to take back the day for yourself.

    There is no right answer in this situation, just a bunch of right choices and you can choose the one that is best for you.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    I know it is my choice how much I eat but if I don't distance myself some I know me and I will overeat. So I want some similance of family so I do it a week before but still feel a little guilty but better some guilt than weigh 400 lbs. Thanks so much for the comments, yep when people treat you like crap you don't want to spend much time with them. Hate to be negative but really I am not, I am taking care of myself in a difficult situation.
  • Rachel0778
    Rachel0778 Posts: 1,701 Member
    I'm glad to hear you are taking care of you! An easy way to let her down is to just say that you already made a commitment to the local soup kitchen that you volunteered at previously. Giving back on Christmas day sounds like a wonderful way to spend the holiday. No need to feel guilty because you are seeing her the week before and she will have plenty of family there that day.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    we are going out of town only 2 hours away to my husbands people on dec 27 and I have decided to tell her we are going Christmas, anything to get out of going up their xmas day. You know you got to make time for your spouse family also , this should get me out of it. I already feel like I have lost a pound or two
  • melonaulait
    melonaulait Posts: 769 Member
    It sounds great that you're planning to do something that makes you happier! I've also had to distance myself a little bit from a dysfunctional family, and I have cut many ties with toxic friends. Sometimes you just know that the people around you aren't very good for you.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,744 Member
    brenn24179 wrote: »
    we are going out of town only 2 hours away to my husbands people on dec 27 and I have decided to tell her we are going Christmas, anything to get out of going up their xmas day. You know you got to make time for your spouse family also , this should get me out of it. I already feel like I have lost a pound or two

    Sounds like you're making progress, but once you also shed the guilt and feeling of obligation to people who you feel have mistreated you you will feel many pounds lighter! Blood relation does not = family, IMHO. "Family" are people who love and support you unconditionally and that you feel the same way about. Over the years I've chosen my own family. Some happen to be blood related. Most are not.
  • allenpriest
    allenpriest Posts: 1,102 Member
    No one "makes" you overeat. You choose what to eat. One may make poor choices due to the stress. I did for a long time. I got help to sort it all out. But I didn't start losing weight until I dealt with that pain and took responsibility for my choices.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    The first step in getting your power back is doing what you have already done, setting your boundaries and deciding what you can tolerate from your mother around Christmas.

    Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
    https://itun.es/ca/Jomdz.l

    Second step, let go of any residual guilt around the decision.

    Third step, dis-invite your toxic family from living in your head. Your kitchen and your body is your own and NOBODY should hold it hostage.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    soulofgrace wrote: »
    Sometimes I wish I could spend Christmas with only the family I made, however I do still choose to spend time with each of my parents on that day. And, yes the whole day is a stressfest for me. I honestly can't explain why I still engage. My mother left when I was 11 years old, but I can't really blame her for my weight. For me, its important I take responsibility for that. Take care, and I hope you have a great holiday! :)

    an update: I didn't go up to my Mom's Christmas, I went to a movie but truthfully nothing works. It is bad if you go, bad if you don't so I understand. Just have to accept it is what it is, spend time with them if you want and get away if it gets too hard on you. Think that is what I will do from now on. No contact is too hard on me. Whatever we can live with and get peace.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    My family is ridiculously dysfunctional, but they can't make me overeat.
  • sarab920
    sarab920 Posts: 68 Member
    lithezebra wrote: »
    My family is ridiculously dysfunctional, but they can't make me overeat.

    OHMYGOD I just just about to say the same thing..
  • 47Jacqueline
    47Jacqueline Posts: 6,993 Member
    No one "Makes" you eat except yourself. If you are overeating, it's time to take responsibility for yourself.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    sarab920 wrote: »
    lithezebra wrote: »
    My family is ridiculously dysfunctional, but they can't make me overeat.

    OHMYGOD I just just about to say the same thing..

    You're way ahead of me, having figured this out by the tender age of 25!
  • FarmallMom71
    FarmallMom71 Posts: 49 Member
    I have family stress too - I stress eat and I hear you. I Hope you had a quiet less stress christmas and found some peace. I get it. It's hard to understand how others causing you stress can lead to over eating... it's subconcious and not a choice when I stress eat too. I literally have to just walk away sometimes and regroup my thoughts so I don't eat thoughtlessly because when I'm upset it's like a smoker needing a cigerette fix only my ciggerette is food...it's habit and I don't think about what I'm eating until afterwards and then I feel guilty...and every holiday there's lots of good food everywhere so it's so easy. I sympathise with you and my best suggestion is conciously redirect yourself and avoid kitchen conflicts... big hugs your way! Be true to yourself.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    edited December 2015
    dont blame others for your own actions.

    i am estranged from the vast majority of my family (by choice). This year i moved twice, cared for my dying grandfather until his death, separated from my husband, had a foster child decide to move out, gained (the worlds greatest) boyfriend, and a half dozen other things that people routinely use as excuses. I still lost 70+ pounds.

    YOU make your choices. No one else.
  • chelsy0587
    chelsy0587 Posts: 441 Member
    edited December 2015
    Larissa_NY wrote: »
    Dysfunctional family that stresses me out, yep, check, but they don't make me overeat. What I eat is my decision, not theirs.

    If you want to spend Christmas by yourself, spend it by yourself. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior, and people who want their kids around them when they age should maybe not treat those kids like crap. You reap what you sow.

    This.... my brother... he hurt me a lot when we were kids and has never told our parents the truth which really kills me that my father believes him. My mother knows the truth and believes me 100% but my dad I feel has always favored his only boy (even though there is only 1 boy and 1 girl)

    Seeing my brother and my father both cause me serious nightmares, has been this way since I was a child...

    I do still see them though, and the only reason I see them is for my mother and my son... my son absolutely adores my brother and that is the only thing on gods earth that could make me care an inkling about him (if that's not god I don't know what is) When my son was about 18 months I told my brother in a very serious way that if he EVER hurt my son like he hurt me I would seriously murder him... and it hasn't been an issue since.


    All that said I do feel like that issue when I was a child caused me to have very little self respect. BUT I am now an adult, and I make the decisions about my life. No one else causes me to overeat, in fact when I do overeat the only emotion I feel is anger because I know how many hours at the gym it will take to work that off.
  • Debmal77
    Debmal77 Posts: 4,770 Member
    snikkins wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    I don't see my siblings, parents or inlaws for holidays any more. I was never an emotional eater so that was never an issue. It is very relaxing to not spend my holidays with people just because of duty. When I made the effort for years to be there they made me feel bad or ignored me.
    Learn to let go of people who don't care about you and just spend your time and energy with other people or where you want to be.

    Yes! You're allowed to write out anyone who doesn't care about you, whether they're family or not.

    I agree.
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