The Terrible Tragedy of Tooting Your Own Horn
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godlikepoetyes
Posts: 442 Member
No Resolutions.
I wrote my little success story. People commented on my success story. Then headlong into + 800 calories over goal over and over days in a row so many of them, give me another cookie give me it now or I will snatch yours from your mouth down the long slide wax paper under my butt headlong falling into sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar.
(Because I am so stubborn? Angry? Angry? Give me. Gimmie Gimmie NOW. That baby bird girl in my stomach. Her mouth yawns, wider and wider and wider she is so hungry she has always been hungry, more, more, more. The Holidays. They dredge her up. Enough about her. Stop.)
I put myself out there. I opened the curtains into my bathroom, where I step onto the scale every Saturday morning, where, like it or not on some level (I hate this I hate it so much), my mood is set for the day, the week maybe. I opened the curtains and said see me lookie me my skinny jeans I will keep shrinking the rules don’t apply to me, not me, give me more cake give me more cookies give me a freaking POP TART (2).
I put pressure on myself after my cholesterol came back high, again. It had fallen lower than it had in years. I put pressure on myself because I do not want to take the statin because my joints are already hurting so much and it will make things worse but how the hell can you even begin to use diet to lower your numbers when you have gastroparesis which pretty much means you can’t eat FIBER or FRESH foods all the things you LOVE you cannot eat without paying a big price I am so sorry that I cannot eat healthy and be happy at the same time one can only eat so much applesauce so much squash.
Boo.
I KNOW. I hear myself. Stop it. Stop it. It’s the holidays. I’m not the only person having difficulties right now. It does not matter that I have gained a little weight. I do not need to punish myself. I just need to let it go. And eat what I want. And the devil take the hindermost.
If I force myself to do too many things at once, I will go mad. I have upped my activity level a LOT. I have begun stretching longer/more vigorously. I have begun taking walks. I have begun to use my standing desk and I have begun to stand instead of sit as much as possible. I am unwilling to “make it” to the gym and plop into the pool and I accept that. I am just moving as much as possible and then I bend over and touch my toes.
So the “healthy” idea of food needs to become, perhaps, the “add one thing right now in this moment if you feel like it” plan. And that’s okay. Part of me is still a toddler so I will take the toddler approach. Give her a juice box give her a banana give her some prune juice some applesauce some marinara some bruschetta. And be done.
No resolutions. I am not setting myself up for failure. I must stop thinking and overthinking and forcing myself. Just go on. Just go on and eat those Pop Tarts. It will all come out in the wash. Or it won’t.
-Rebecca
I wrote my little success story. People commented on my success story. Then headlong into + 800 calories over goal over and over days in a row so many of them, give me another cookie give me it now or I will snatch yours from your mouth down the long slide wax paper under my butt headlong falling into sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar.
(Because I am so stubborn? Angry? Angry? Give me. Gimmie Gimmie NOW. That baby bird girl in my stomach. Her mouth yawns, wider and wider and wider she is so hungry she has always been hungry, more, more, more. The Holidays. They dredge her up. Enough about her. Stop.)
I put myself out there. I opened the curtains into my bathroom, where I step onto the scale every Saturday morning, where, like it or not on some level (I hate this I hate it so much), my mood is set for the day, the week maybe. I opened the curtains and said see me lookie me my skinny jeans I will keep shrinking the rules don’t apply to me, not me, give me more cake give me more cookies give me a freaking POP TART (2).
I put pressure on myself after my cholesterol came back high, again. It had fallen lower than it had in years. I put pressure on myself because I do not want to take the statin because my joints are already hurting so much and it will make things worse but how the hell can you even begin to use diet to lower your numbers when you have gastroparesis which pretty much means you can’t eat FIBER or FRESH foods all the things you LOVE you cannot eat without paying a big price I am so sorry that I cannot eat healthy and be happy at the same time one can only eat so much applesauce so much squash.
Boo.
I KNOW. I hear myself. Stop it. Stop it. It’s the holidays. I’m not the only person having difficulties right now. It does not matter that I have gained a little weight. I do not need to punish myself. I just need to let it go. And eat what I want. And the devil take the hindermost.
If I force myself to do too many things at once, I will go mad. I have upped my activity level a LOT. I have begun stretching longer/more vigorously. I have begun taking walks. I have begun to use my standing desk and I have begun to stand instead of sit as much as possible. I am unwilling to “make it” to the gym and plop into the pool and I accept that. I am just moving as much as possible and then I bend over and touch my toes.
So the “healthy” idea of food needs to become, perhaps, the “add one thing right now in this moment if you feel like it” plan. And that’s okay. Part of me is still a toddler so I will take the toddler approach. Give her a juice box give her a banana give her some prune juice some applesauce some marinara some bruschetta. And be done.
No resolutions. I am not setting myself up for failure. I must stop thinking and overthinking and forcing myself. Just go on. Just go on and eat those Pop Tarts. It will all come out in the wash. Or it won’t.
-Rebecca
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Replies
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Why does remind me of Gertrude Stein somehow???0
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So don't put cake or pop tarts in your kitchen. AVOID AVOID AVOID. It's okay if lots of healthy foods upset your stomach - just eat within your calories. Fresh fruit be damned. Get the weight off first, as that ends so many health problems, then fix your diet. Good luck honey, you can do this, one day at a time!0
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If you don't get to the root of it, the addiction (because that is how you describe it) will keep returning. And everything you do to keep it at bay is just a dam waiting to burst against the tide of pain. The work we do to lose weight, keep it off, and get healthy isn't all physical or mental... it's also emotional. And it's freaking HARD.0
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Hold your chin up, keep going and do it your way-even if it may not be the way you "should" do it. Measure success by your own terms even if it doesn't make sense to others.1
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Figure out what is causing you to overeat and try to resolve those issues. It helps a lot0
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I've been in therapy for years. I know the "why" of my overeating. Yes, it's emotional. And yes, it can be hard. But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why." I've dredged the ocean floor for years and years and in the end, it hasn't done much good. There is no big reason, some hidden pain I need to unearth and "deal" with. I eat because I want to. I want it all. I want to go back to sixteen when I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. I want to be nine years old again when eating twelve cookies, while excessive, did not do much harm. But I am a grownup now, even if I don't want to be. Eating twelve cookies is simply not appropriate. Boo Hoo.
In this case, I've just plain sabotaged myself. If you are at all like me, you know what I mean. I wrote my oh-so-fabulous-carefully-crafted-let-me-help-you-with-my-journey "success" story and I drove my little engine right off a cliff. Hence the title of this post.
I cannot concentrate too much on the process. If I do, then the food is all there is, and the calories burned, and the scale, and the skinny jeans. I have a novel to finish. I have classes coming up. Lots to do. Lots to do, to focus my energy on, is key for me. I've just allowed myself to mire up in the difficulty and the terrible holiday doldrums and the cake.
Living with this knowledge, that I must do this obliquely, is new for me. If I focus on my middle all day, I'll go buy Pop Tarts and ice cream. Just. Be. Cause. If I play the numbers on the scale over and over in my head, I'll blow my calories on things I don't even WANT to eat. Just because.
Right now, the best thing I can do, and will do, is be kind to myself. It's okay to muck up. Of course it is.0 -
kendalslimmer wrote: »So don't put cake or pop tarts in your kitchen. AVOID AVOID AVOID. It's okay if lots of healthy foods upset your stomach - just eat within your calories. Fresh fruit be damned. Get the weight off first, as that ends so many health problems, then fix your diet. Good luck honey, you can do this, one day at a time!
In my case, I really can't eat the fresh stuff. It's a medical condition. But you are correct. I will fix the food later. I'm taking the toddler approach. Which has worked very well. Must. Not. Force. Myself. NO.0 -
RBracken34 wrote: »If you don't get to the root of it, the addiction (because that is how you describe it) will keep returning. And everything you do to keep it at bay is just a dam waiting to burst against the tide of pain. The work we do to lose weight, keep it off, and get healthy isn't all physical or mental... it's also emotional. And it's freaking HARD.
I wrote a note at the end of this post, speaking to this. I have pretty much pulled up the root.0 -
Bluejedi79 wrote: »Hold your chin up, keep going and do it your way-even if it may not be the way you "should" do it. Measure success by your own terms even if it doesn't make sense to others.
Amen. And again I say, Amen.0 -
godlikepoetyes wrote: »I've been in therapy for years. I know the "why" of my overeating. Yes, it's emotional. And yes, it can be hard. But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why." I've dredged the ocean floor for years and years and in the end, it hasn't done much good. There is no big reason, some hidden pain I need to unearth and "deal" with. I eat because I want to. I want it all. I want to go back to sixteen when I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. I want to be nine years old again when eating twelve cookies, while excessive, did not do much harm. But I am a grownup now, even if I don't want to be. Eating twelve cookies is simply not appropriate. Boo Hoo.
In this case, I've just plain sabotaged myself. If you are at all like me, you know what I mean. I wrote my oh-so-fabulous-carefully-crafted-let-me-help-you-with-my-journey "success" story and I drove my little engine right off a cliff. Hence the title of this post.
I cannot concentrate too much on the process. If I do, then the food is all there is, and the calories burned, and the scale, and the skinny jeans. I have a novel to finish. I have classes coming up. Lots to do. Lots to do, to focus my energy on, is key for me. I've just allowed myself to mire up in the difficulty and the terrible holiday doldrums and the cake.
Living with this knowledge, that I must do this obliquely, is new for me. If I focus on my middle all day, I'll go buy Pop Tarts and ice cream. Just. Be. Cause. If I play the numbers on the scale over and over in my head, I'll blow my calories on things I don't even WANT to eat. Just because.
Right now, the best thing I can do, and will do, is be kind to myself. It's okay to muck up. Of course it is.
Losing weight doesn't need any obligatory cathartic moment to make it work.
That said, if thinking about food leads to overwhelming obsession, there is something that needs to be resolved, probably with a more cognitive therapy rather than any hope of Freudian revelation of the time you were 2 and someone said "no more cookies" or some such.
You may want to try pre-planning and pre-logging. Figure out exactly all the things you're going to eat for the next day, arrange them, log them, and just eat from those pre-arranged foods as hunger or desire happens. It might strike a balance between obsessing over food leading to too much food, versus indifference leading to not realizing you've had too much.0 -
godlikepoetyes wrote: »I've been in therapy for years. I know the "why" of my overeating. Yes, it's emotional. And yes, it can be hard. But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why." I've dredged the ocean floor for years and years and in the end, it hasn't done much good. There is no big reason, some hidden pain I need to unearth and "deal" with. I eat because I want to. I want it all. I want to go back to sixteen when I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. I want to be nine years old again when eating twelve cookies, while excessive, did not do much harm. But I am a grownup now, even if I don't want to be. Eating twelve cookies is simply not appropriate. Boo Hoo.
In this case, I've just plain sabotaged myself. If you are at all like me, you know what I mean. I wrote my oh-so-fabulous-carefully-crafted-let-me-help-you-with-my-journey "success" story and I drove my little engine right off a cliff. Hence the title of this post.
I cannot concentrate too much on the process. If I do, then the food is all there is, and the calories burned, and the scale, and the skinny jeans. I have a novel to finish. I have classes coming up. Lots to do. Lots to do, to focus my energy on, is key for me. I've just allowed myself to mire up in the difficulty and the terrible holiday doldrums and the cake.
Living with this knowledge, that I must do this obliquely, is new for me. If I focus on my middle all day, I'll go buy Pop Tarts and ice cream. Just. Be. Cause. If I play the numbers on the scale over and over in my head, I'll blow my calories on things I don't even WANT to eat. Just because.
Right now, the best thing I can do, and will do, is be kind to myself. It's okay to muck up. Of course it is.
Losing weight doesn't need any obligatory cathartic moment to make it work.
That said, if thinking about food leads to overwhelming obsession, there is something that needs to be resolved, probably with a more cognitive therapy rather than any hope of Freudian revelation of the time you were 2 and someone said "no more cookies" or some such.
You may want to try pre-planning and pre-logging. Figure out exactly all the things you're going to eat for the next day, arrange them, log them, and just eat from those pre-arranged foods as hunger or desire happens. It might strike a balance between obsessing over food leading to too much food, versus indifference leading to not realizing you've had too much.
This. There's often a habitual component left as an artifact of emotional eating. Your whys might be evident, but you're still in the habit of using food in all the situations you used it.
I know this was very, very true in my case. I was so used to eating and eating that I just kept doing it.
Pre-logging and pre-planning turned things around for me.0 -
You have a medical condition that stops you eating fresh food?godlikepoetyes wrote: »kendalslimmer wrote: »So don't put cake or pop tarts in your kitchen. AVOID AVOID AVOID. It's okay if lots of healthy foods upset your stomach - just eat within your calories. Fresh fruit be damned. Get the weight off first, as that ends so many health problems, then fix your diet. Good luck honey, you can do this, one day at a time!
In my case, I really can't eat the fresh stuff. It's a medical condition. But you are correct. I will fix the food later. I'm taking the toddler approach. Which has worked very well. Must. Not. Force. Myself. NO.
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godlikepoetyes wrote: »But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why."
I'm glad it's working for you. I have had a similar journey and this was a big part of it, but it was not enough for me. I kept going back to my old ways until I figured out what I was hiding from... what it meant to me to be thin and why my brain didn't want me to be.
That said, we're all different. And different things work for each of us. Thanks for sharing pieces of your journey with us. It takes courage to be vulnerable in that way. And you write beautifully.0 -
While self-analysis has been good for me, I like your comment about "moving forward." I tend to spend a lot of time whining about what I can't eat, what's not fair for me, why life is so tough for me. One thing I've learned recently is to move forward by living in the moment. If I eat a cookie at 6 a.m., I don't have to say, "Well, that day is ruined! I might as well eat sugar all day." I can start over at 6:05 a.m. I'm a work in progress. I hope I MAKE some weight loss progress this time!0
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And I agree with BlueJedi in the sense that we all have to "know" and be honest about ourselves. People often say to me, "Well, of course you can eat one piece of cake at the wedding" or "A couple of Oreos aren't going to kill you," they are well-meaning but wrong. For me - a sugar addict - that first bite of sugar is just as devastating as the first drink for an alcoholic. I have to be honest with myself about myself.0
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This works for me. Every time I have coffee without milk or creamer or skip a heaping tablespoon of sugar on my porridge I count it against the big gain.
Coffee Milk Calories
1/8 cup milk = 15 calories
15 calories/cup of coffee x 600 cups of coffee = 9000 calories
9000 calories/500 = 18 calorie reduced days
Sugar Calories
1 tablespoon sugar = 52 calories
52 calories/day x 365 days = 19000 calories
19000 calories/500 = 38 calorie reduced days
By the way, awesome posts.0 -
RBracken34 wrote: »godlikepoetyes wrote: »But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why."
I'm glad it's working for you. I have had a similar journey and this was a big part of it, but it was not enough for me. I kept going back to my old ways until I figured out what I was hiding from... what it meant to me to be thin and why my brain didn't want me to be.
That said, we're all different. And different things work for each of us. Thanks for sharing pieces of your journey with us. It takes courage to be vulnerable in that way. And you write beautifully.
I think the key is, what works for "each" of us. I am and always will be learning my way. And it is a fluid ever-changing way. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend toward obsession. That's okay. And I'm acting like I've just let loose and gained ten pounds. Of course I haven't. But it isn't about that. Or about some straight and narrow road. The road is wide open. I'll not close off any of it. But every step is a choice. That is the single most valuable thing I've learned in all my years of therapy--I always, ALWAYS, have a choice.0 -
godlikepoetyes wrote: »I've been in therapy for years. I know the "why" of my overeating. Yes, it's emotional. And yes, it can be hard. But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why." I've dredged the ocean floor for years and years and in the end, it hasn't done much good. There is no big reason, some hidden pain I need to unearth and "deal" with. I eat because I want to. I want it all. I want to go back to sixteen when I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. I want to be nine years old again when eating twelve cookies, while excessive, did not do much harm. But I am a grownup now, even if I don't want to be. Eating twelve cookies is simply not appropriate. Boo Hoo.
In this case, I've just plain sabotaged myself. If you are at all like me, you know what I mean. I wrote my oh-so-fabulous-carefully-crafted-let-me-help-you-with-my-journey "success" story and I drove my little engine right off a cliff. Hence the title of this post.
I cannot concentrate too much on the process. If I do, then the food is all there is, and the calories burned, and the scale, and the skinny jeans. I have a novel to finish. I have classes coming up. Lots to do. Lots to do, to focus my energy on, is key for me. I've just allowed myself to mire up in the difficulty and the terrible holiday doldrums and the cake.
Living with this knowledge, that I must do this obliquely, is new for me. If I focus on my middle all day, I'll go buy Pop Tarts and ice cream. Just. Be. Cause. If I play the numbers on the scale over and over in my head, I'll blow my calories on things I don't even WANT to eat. Just because.
Right now, the best thing I can do, and will do, is be kind to myself. It's okay to muck up. Of course it is.
Losing weight doesn't need any obligatory cathartic moment to make it work.
That said, if thinking about food leads to overwhelming obsession, there is something that needs to be resolved, probably with a more cognitive therapy rather than any hope of Freudian revelation of the time you were 2 and someone said "no more cookies" or some such.
You may want to try pre-planning and pre-logging. Figure out exactly all the things you're going to eat for the next day, arrange them, log them, and just eat from those pre-arranged foods as hunger or desire happens. It might strike a balance between obsessing over food leading to too much food, versus indifference leading to not realizing you've had too much.
I am in a very "proactive" action-based therapy. My therapy in the past was about digging into issues, uncovering that "something." I reached the end of that road. Now, my new therapist and I concentrate on doing things instead of mulling over them and picking through them. I have found that the "something" doesn't exist in any meaningful way, at least not now. Now I am concentrating on my choices. If I concentrate on my difficulties, I'll talk myself into a real funk and blow every little thing out of proportion. Instead of doing that, I will move forward.
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RBracken34 wrote: »godlikepoetyes wrote: »But what has worked best in my recent therapy is to focus on the "how to move forward" ACTION, instead of the "why."
I'm glad it's working for you. I have had a similar journey and this was a big part of it, but it was not enough for me. I kept going back to my old ways until I figured out what I was hiding from... what it meant to me to be thin and why my brain didn't want me to be.
That said, we're all different. And different things work for each of us. Thanks for sharing pieces of your journey with us. It takes courage to be vulnerable in that way. And you write beautifully.
Well, I did beat the hell out of my scales with a hammer. And I learned to love myself. You are so beautiful. I did all that. I guess I'm a bit like an alcoholic in that I have accepted the fact that food will never be easy and that I must write down everything I eat. Forever. I know myself too well, having been at this forever. I, like you, will go back to my "old ways" in a split second. However, I realize now, that sliding down the chute into the Krispy Kreme window is still a CHOICE, I can choose to, or I can choose not to. And for me, a big part of the success of all this, is allowing myself to eat the apple fritter instead of thinking about it so much, the NO of it. And, often, I choose to forego the fritter altogether.0 -
This works for me. Every time I have coffee without milk or creamer or skip a heaping tablespoon of sugar on my porridge I count it against the big gain.
Coffee Milk Calories
1/8 cup milk = 15 calories
15 calories/cup of coffee x 600 cups of coffee = 9000 calories
9000 calories/500 = 18 calorie reduced days
Sugar Calories
1 tablespoon sugar = 52 calories
52 calories/day x 365 days = 19000 calories
19000 calories/500 = 38 calorie reduced days
By the way, awesome posts.
Oh, math makes me crazoid. Though I'm sure I think about it the same way, on an unconscious level. Ha! Sophia Loren said, "When I diet, I push back the plate. I concentrate on the goal, not the difficulty." By the way, I'm glad you'll know who Sophia Loren is!0
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