Concern for a Family Member

coquetona · June 2011

I found out today that my aunt had to go to the ER because her heart was out of rhythm. She thought it was because she had too much caffeine. She is about 350+ lbs and does not watch what she eats and never exercises. She has really high blood pressure and her Dr. told her to stop drinking caffeine. I guess she has an appt. with the Dr. again next week so I'm hoping they scare her straight. I'm worried about her but don't know how to bring up a suggestion to her about getting into a healthier lifestyle without her becoming defensive. Her and my grandma like to blame every reason under the sun for being in bad health except for their lack of diet and exercise. My grandmother had a heart valve transplant about 7 years ago and had heart problems recently as well. Neither one of them can walk up three single steps without getting out of breath. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a situation like this?

bpe101 · June 2011

Perhaps instead of making it seem like she needs to get into a healthier lifestyle (meaning change her diet and exercise), you start small and do it in a non-agressive manner such as suggesting she join in on an activity with you that is fun. She won't even realize she is exercising. For instance, if I were in the same situation, I could suggest she go with me to the river and feed the birds. We could take a walk around and enjoy the weather. This would get her walking without her thinking she is just going for a walk. What are some activities she likes to do. Suggest you go out and do them without mentioning what the reason is for. Just offering to do activities with her might get her into the habit of getting out and moving, which will ultimately create a healthier lifestyle. Start small and be supportive of her choices. She has to want the change before it will happen. Good luck!

aa1440 · June 2011

You can only help those that want help. I know. My mother has been over weight for all of my adult life. Every time I mention something about being healthy or loosing weight she always has an excuse of why it will not work. I feel your pain but with some people, you just can't help them.

coquetona · June 2011

I didn't mean for my post to come off as me telling her what to do or being aggressive.

Thanks for the advice! Unfortunately, it's a little more complicated than that because we don't live in the same town. We live an hour apart so I only see her every three months or so. I was mostly curious if anyone has been in a similiar situation with someone they cared about and what they did about it. Maybe most people do nothing but I'm really concerned about her and I feel like I need to try something.

bpe101 · June 2011

Oh, sorry. I wasn't trying to imply you were being aggressive. Just saying you have two options: be aggressive or be non-aggressive to try to encourage her to change.

Being that you aren't in the same city would make it hard to get together frequently. Perhaps she has a friend close-by you could encourage to get her out of the house?

coquetona · June 2011

You can only help those that want help. I know. My mother has been over weight for all of my adult life. Every time I mention something about being healthy or loosing weight she always has an excuse of why it will not work. I feel your pain but with some people, you just can't help them.

That's what I'm afraid of. I guess I need to hear that from someone else because I feel guiilty that I can't think of anything to do. Makes you feel helpless. It really sucks when you care about someone but they don't seem to care enough about themselves to make a change. We lost my grandfather (my aunt's dad) about six months ago and the way things are going with both my grandma and aunt, it's not looking too good lately unless they are willing to make a change.

coquetona · June 2011

Oh, sorry. I wasn't trying to imply you were being aggressive. Just saying you have two options: be aggressive or be non-aggressive to try to encourage her to change.

Being that you aren't in the same city would make it hard to get together frequently. Perhaps she has a friend close-by you could encourage to get her out of the house?

Ok, I get what you mean. You also do bring up a good point. My mom has been trying to get both of them to go on walks with her before (they're all in the same town). They always say "no." At the very least maybe with my mom and I both working on it we can suggest all four of us going on a walk together when I am in town and use the excuse that they don't get to see me very often and we can spend time together that way. Who knows, maybe they'll end up enjoying themselves and make the decision on their own to change.

pinkgigi · June 2011

Sweetie, I've had a lifetime of trying to help my mother and her pushing back, basically whenever there was a fork in the road (on her health journey) and she could take the hard road or the easy road, she took the easy one. The sum total of all those choices is severe ill-health. I tried and failed to make choices or encourage better choices for her. Ultimately, it will be her choice because it is her life. It is very very hard to see someone you love make what we see are the wrong choices, unfortunately we have no alternative in what their choices are but feel we are having to wear the results.

It certainly shows what a caring person you are to want to help. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to let people discover and walk their own path. Hugs to you and wishing that your aunt makes the tough choices for the sake of her life.

GG

MissRFTC · June 2011

You can be honest without being critical. Just tell her that you are concerned and offer to help in some way. There's no magical thing you can say to make her change, but you can at least tell her how you feel.

jayruth · June 2011

I've been lurking around in these forums for the last week or so but your post has made me want to reply.

I just went through this with my own Mum this last weekend. I had grown concerned about her because she is about 5 ft 6 and must weight around 250 pounds. She smokes regularly and very rarely does any form of exercise at all and I was really worried that over the last year or so she was starting to see health consequences - reversible stuff (so far) but still big warning signs. I know I cannot make her decisions and I will love and support her, no matter what she does, but I could not live with myself if I didn't try. When the conversation naturally came round to health I told her how worried I was. I explained that it is because I love her so very much and would be heart broken if anything happens to her - and that I wouldn't be able to stop myself being angry at her as well. She's a good Mum and doesn't want to leave her 'children' with emotional problems and so has promised to try and do something about it. She also confessed she had been having chest pains (she is going to the GP) so I am SO glad I spoke up. People are not the same so I cannot say if your Mum will respond the same, but if what you say to her comes genuinely from love you owe it to yourself to try and talk to her. The way I see it is that it is that something terrible happens, at least you won't have to regret not trying to help.

p.s. This is just my opinion, based on my life - whatever you choose to do will be the right thing, because you clearly care for your mum

coquetona · June 2011

Thanks for the responses everyone! I think you all made valid points. I think I'll talk to both of them and let them know how I feel. I will try to come from caring place and let them make their own choices from there. Even if they don't make good decisions after that point, I will know that I did my part. I feel like it is comparable to seeing someone on the edge of a cliff and letting them jump. If anything does happen to them, I want them to at least know that I care and that I offered support if they would like it.

Concern for a Family Member

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