Letter from a Friend

I join MFP once or twice a year, and have done for the last... however long MFP has been around I think! I never stick with it, no matter how well I do when I use it. I logged back on today after a 7 month absence, with a status explaining that this time it was not for me, but because my doctor says I have to.

An old friend of mine saw my post and contacted my through a private message, concerned that my motivation for being here wasn't in the right place if it was only for the doctor, as that probably won't keep me going. I get that. But the situation is what it is and I am what I am. I replied to her in a long message, then realized I had more to say once I remembered a couple of recent events that made me say "I have got to do something about my weight", and I replied to her once more in another long message. Then I wrote once more short reply after that! She's probably got more info than she wanted, but I guess I needed to let that out, to talk to someone new about my struggles.

I re-read my messages and thought that maybe I should share them with everyone, share myself with everyone here because I never really do that. I don't know why, but I want to.
Here are my messages, below.

"Basically, for me, I want to be... thin isn't the right word, but just not fat. Healthy would also be nice. But food is my addiction, eating is my constant priority. And not healthy foods. I don't enjoy physical activity. I enjoy TV and video games. Not eating whatever I want and doing activities when I don't want make me very cranky and constantly unhappy.

I sound like a child, but this is how I've always been and I realize it more and more every time I try to lose weight. But I am now 32-years-old and 275 pounds and I know that I need to take better care of myself, and it helps having the doctor be the one to tell me to do it, even though he can't actually make me. I have an appointment with a nutritionist in a couple of days, which my husband is joining me for as he is in the same position as I am. I will talk to him or her about all of this.

Maybe I'll make it this time, maybe I won't. Part of me wants to give up because it doesn't come easily, part of me hopes I can make it. That's just being honest.

I could say that my recent flight on too-small airplane seats is one motivation, and not being able to ride roller coasters at Disney is another, as those are actual, if maybe inordinate, goals to fix issues I have to deal with somewhat regularly.

I also would like to feel good about myself and not just accept that I (to me) look like an obese troll.

Then thoughts like that send me to the nearest chocolate cake. I cry to my husband all the time that the more upset I get about my weight, the more I want to eat.

Only I can make it happen, if I want to. No excuses. But it's like my battle with depression; finding the inner motivation to do what is right and healthy for me, even though I don't want to be depressed, isn't as easy or comforting as hiding under a blanket while stuffing myself with delicious pizza, even if it makes me cry later when I realize I've just made things worse for myself, and further from my goals. I'm now on great medication for depression and anxiety after finally finding something that works and a doctor that I trust, but now it's just the food thing.

I do believe in the studies that say sugar is as addictive as heroin. I tried doing a diet that cut out as much added sugar as possible and it was going okay, but I was also on OTC diet pills that restricted my appetite and seemed to cause memory loss and I just think that was too much, too unhealthy in a different way. Of course the diet didn't last once I stopped taking them, also not helped by the fact James had just moved here after his immigration was approved and it was way harder to figure out how to make it work for two, especially when we weren't super motivated."

And after a quip about knowing more than she asked for, I ended it there.

So, what do you say? I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess just responses. Have at it!

*Edited weight. I keep putting a 1 when it should be a 2. Wishful thinking!