Really Struggling...

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penrbrown
penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
edited January 2016 in Motivation and Support
Years ago when I first joined MFP I was doing so well. I lost 30lbs within three months and slowly chipped off more and more as the year went by... but sometime after the first year something happened. I don't know what even.

My health plummeted, my mental and emotional health plummeted and gradually the weight snuck back on but it brought friends!

For a year I struggled to get back on the wagon but in the dark, deep recesses of depression I just couldn't. I retreated from this forum, I retreated from /trying/ and I just ... wallowed. I maxed out at 258lbs at which point I knew I had to do SOMETHING.

I went to my doctor and begged for help and he admitted my thyroid levels had been low for awhile but he didn't want to do anything because he wanted to 'wait and see what happened'. For reference, I have had a thyroid problem for years and have taken medication for years to keep it under control but I had to FIGHT my doctor to get him to treat me to start with and now, apparently, I have to fight him to keep my numbers regulated.

Anyway. He changed my medication and for several months life was a struggle as I dealt with a thyroid that went from too low to too high...

Things have finally settled and now that I feel human again (the depression has eased off, I don't feel like a walking zombie all the time, even my nerves have calmed) I have begun calorie counting and exercising again.

But it's SO discouraging. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and I don't KNOW the face looking back at me. Is that really me? How the HELL did I get so big????

It's so hard to focus on being a healthier me when this outer shell makes me so depressed. And when I go to exercise my body REBELS. I was a runner for awhile there, and I even started P90X shortly before the depression hit hard. I was strong and healthy and I felt FANTASTIC despite carrying a few extra pounds... but now? Now I can't take a short walk without my entire body screaming at me, I can't lift a small weight without my muscles aching for DAYS.

I feel like my strong self is wrapped up in all these layers of weak and it frustrates me SO MUCH.

I USED to be able to run five km... now I can't even walk a block without gasping for air.

I USED to be able to lift 80lb weights, but now I struggle to do 3 reps with 5lbs.

I USED to be someone else... I don't know who this new person is but I hate her.

The weight is coming back off, slowly but surely (8lbs since I started calorie counting again - and it's coming off VERY slow because I can't do as much exercise as I'd like, my body is all kinds of in bad shape and my thyroid still isn't completely leveled so I have good days and bad), but with this constant back and forth between inspired, motivated and confident and horrified, saddened and overwhelmed HOW do I stop from just giving up?

Any advice guys?

Replies

  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
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    Ok stop. What you were before and what you could do in the past is gone, it's history. Comparing you now to then is only going to depress you further
    Focus on setting yourself very small and achievable goals, pound by pound, day by day. Get yourself a whole heap of support around you, and use it. Friends and family, mfp friends. Log, measure, weigh.
    Check your calorie limit is right for you, not too aggressive. Do what you can, gradually in terms of exercise.
    Look after your mental health, luxurious bubble baths, a squirt of expensive perfume, paint your nails. Buy your favourite treat and portion it out for little pick me up treats
    Depression is horrible and thyroid problems too. Have a little cry if you need to. Just take it slowly and don't put too much pressure on yourself xx
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    star1407 wrote: »
    Ok stop. What you were before and what you could do in the past is gone, it's history. Comparing you now to then is only going to depress you further
    Focus on setting yourself very small and achievable goals, pound by pound, day by day. Get yourself a whole heap of support around you, and use it. Friends and family, mfp friends. Log, measure, weigh.
    Check your calorie limit is right for you, not too aggressive. Do what you can, gradually in terms of exercise.
    Look after your mental health, luxurious bubble baths, a squirt of expensive perfume, paint your nails. Buy your favourite treat and portion it out for little pick me up treats
    Depression is horrible and thyroid problems too. Have a little cry if you need to. Just take it slowly and don't put too much pressure on yourself xx

    Thank you. :) Crying is my best friend now but I'm honestly sick of it. So ready to pick myself back up but then I try too much and get all frustrated because I can't do what I feel I should be able to do.

    It's good to be reminded that I need to stop looking back though. I constantly look back... it's my biggest stress.
  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
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    Trust me I've been there, it only ever holds you back. I find making lists is my best friend, I literally have a list for everything... Goals, aims, recipes, reasons for this, reasons for that lol. It's like an ocd diary, but it's my way of coping
    Cut yourself some slack. You have lost and you are losing, give yourself some credit. You can do it you know
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    star1407 wrote: »
    Trust me I've been there, it only ever holds you back. I find making lists is my best friend, I literally have a list for everything... Goals, aims, recipes, reasons for this, reasons for that lol. It's like an ocd diary, but it's my way of coping
    Cut yourself some slack. You have lost and you are losing, give yourself some credit. You can do it you know

    Oh my gosh! What a great idea! I LOVE LISTS! And goals... that I can check off as I reach them. I think I'll do that tonight. Thank you. :)
  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,012 Member
    edited January 2016
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    Yeah, OP, as star1407 basically said, there is nothing you can do about what happened in the past. The sooner you make peace with that and start looking to the future, the better. Focusing on how the world conspires against us to knock us backward is a common and weak excuse - and that's not a criticism, I do it, pretty much everyone I know does it! If you take responsibility for where you are now, it gives you power - I got myself here, and I can do better in the future. You are already starting to lose weight, just keep it up. There are so many people out there who just accept whatever crap they are stuck in, and never even try to move forward. But you are doing it! Yay for you! Set realistic goals, don't beat yourself up when you don't do as well as you wanted, spend time doing the things you enjoy, and look forward to the future :drinker:
  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,012 Member
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    penrbrown wrote: »
    star1407 wrote: »
    Trust me I've been there, it only ever holds you back. I find making lists is my best friend, I literally have a list for everything... Goals, aims, recipes, reasons for this, reasons for that lol. It's like an ocd diary, but it's my way of coping
    Cut yourself some slack. You have lost and you are losing, give yourself some credit. You can do it you know

    Oh my gosh! What a great idea! I LOVE LISTS! And goals... that I can check off as I reach them. I think I'll do that tonight. Thank you. :)

    I got one of those pretty leatherette weekly planners and I'm going goal list/to-do list crazy!
  • HippySkoppy
    HippySkoppy Posts: 725 Member
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    I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain and change.

    I agree with the other poster in that for your own sanity you need to move what is past and gone and deal with the present.

    Nothing in life is guaranteed - Health changes, work changes, relationship changes etc etc and to be able to cope with that we need to have some form of built in resilience and a desire to embrace that the only certainty in life is change.

    OK right now you sound as though you are in the throes of grief over who you used to be and also suffering with dealing with the changes to the thyroid meds.; they may well be affecting you more than you realize and contibuting to the depression and sense of hopelessness that you are going through.

    Your Dr has decided to be cautious, but at what cost to you?? Is it worth seeking a second opinion?? Or that of a specialist to look deeper into any possible physical reason for this lethargy, breathlessness and loss of strength....now is the time for you to take control over your health and be as pro-active as possible.

    For what it is worth I do understand what it is like to 'lose' one's identity through ill health. My world not that long ago was very much tied to my vision of myself as a long distance, fairly extreme bushwalker - Now that is no longer possible due to my conditions and I have had to come to terms with that loss and reinvent myself in new ways.

    I have found new joy through Yoga, Tai Chi, working with professionals so I don't overtax my already weak system.....it isn't as exciting or challenging anymore but it is still me and I am damned proud that I make it out of bed some days.

    There is no shame either in reaching out for professional help to get through this difficult time....I sought counselling to help deal with grief and change and chronic illness....it helped me a lot, maybe this is something for you to consider.

    I wish you all the best.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    How I missed MFP. You guys are always the perfect mix of no-nonsense and supportive.

    <3
  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
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    Oh my gosh! What a great idea! I LOVE LISTS! And goals... that I can check off as I reach them. I think I'll do that tonight. Thank you. :)[/quote]

    Lol glad to be of help! List away my lovely, list away
  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,487 Member
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    Gosh I do love a good, supportive thread. Well phrased and said one and all.
    @penrbrown, welcome back :)

    Cheers, h.
  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,862 Member
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    If you have clinical depression it's very hard to see the light. As you start to catch glimmers of it don't expect too much of yourself. Set small goals that you can attain. Live day to day, one day at a time. Don't derail if you slip up. Just start again tomorrow.
  • Marylou322
    Marylou322 Posts: 3 Member
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    I totally understand what you saying and been going through and it feels like hell on earth.!depression is a tough enemy to fight! But you have somehow managed to see the light at end of tunnel and between your good and bad days you found the strength on a good day to come on MFP and try to kickstart yourself again! Try see that as a positive and keep trying. One day at a time
  • RosemaryBronte
    RosemaryBronte Posts: 103 Member
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    Try to think of setting up permanent healthy habits and see them as a way of loving yourself. Think of good food as comfort food and gentle exercise as me time. Buy some meditation CDs and use them to soothe and love your mind. I was once so unfit i could hardly cross the road but little by little I got stronger. You can too and it's good to go slowly because the change in habits will be permanent. When you remember the sad stuff, pause and honour it and then turn and keep moving towards happiness. Sending you love and good wishes.
  • RosemaryBronte
    RosemaryBronte Posts: 103 Member
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    And please don't have too little fat or too few carbs because you need both for maintaining your nerves. just eat healthy food instead of junk and use exercise as a feel good experience not a punishment and let your body gently move back too health.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    edited January 2016
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    First, if your dr is not an endocrinologist, find one. If there is no way other than paying for one, then consider it the most important thing you will do for yourself this year, cut any other expenses if you have to, and get an appointment. It is a shame to let something as common as hypothyroidism ruin your life. And it will ruin your life if not properly treated, as you have witnessed. A small decrease in your T4 can make you unable to get out of bed. It is not all in your head, you are not crazy, you are ill.
    Have you been tested for anything other than hypothyroidism? There are several deficiencies that often occur with hypothyroidism, and they can make your life miserable. If your current dr is not taking your concerns seriously, you need a new dr.
    Second, stop thinking about the past. Who cares what you could do and what does it matter? You can be next year in a much better place than you are today, so focus on the future, not the past.
  • eviegreen
    eviegreen Posts: 123 Member
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    OP, it's going to be OK. All right? It's going to be OK.

    I swear, when I was reading your post, it could have been written by me 3 years ago. I remember crawling out of a depression black hole (my first bout of seasonal depression, after I moved to a new state/city), looking into the mirror, and not recognizing myself. I had gained so much weight, and I was already heavy to begin with. I remembered trying on the pants I owned that didn't have elastic (which I had been wearing for months), and crying because none of them fit anymore. I remember being tired all the time because my weight was causing sleep apnea. I remember saying, "I have to do something about this," going out for a walk, and having to turn around and come home because I was gasping, my hips hurt, and my muscles started to ache. It was my lowest point, and it was a huge wake up call.

    I just want to say it can get better. Focus on your health. Don't let the low point dictate your future. Make small goals: walk a little farther each day, eat better food, weigh your food to help count your calories, and stay consistent in your logging. You'll get there, and you'll look back at this post and see how far you've come.

    For me, 3 years later, I'm at the lowest weight I've ever been. A healthy BMI. I lift, I rock climb, I hike, I run, and I'm in the best shape of my life. It can get better. Keep logging, keep trying. It's going to be OK.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
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    Interesting. A good friend of mine is a psychiatrist and once we were discussing a certain population, and she mentioned that she found it interesting that when she chatted with them, they were immersed in the glories of their past. She told me that is a sign of depression. If you dwell on the past, you have no future. So, look forward and make progress however small.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    Thanks guys. :)

    Going to try and put my blinders on and keep my gaze focused forward. Also going to try logging in here more often. I think having a 'safe place', whether online or not, will help keep me accountable.

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