Needing to Find Me

Fat. Obese. Chubby. Thick. Big-boned. Such a pretty face. I've heard them all and have been referred to using all of these terms/phrases. I've come to the point where these terms are what define me. These terms are thrown around so easily and, a lot of times, without care.

When I hit Jr High (6th-7th grade), I came to terms with the fact that I was taller and "thicker" than most of my peers. Why? I couldn't tell you. I was active (played sports every season) and God knows that I didn't want to be or feel fat. I would have given anything to be 5'5" and 125 lbs instead of the 5'9" and 175 lbs that I was carrying around. I had very low self-esteem.

I stayed active after high school; not as much but was still active. I gained the normal "Freshman 50" by the end of my sophomore year of college and was at a whopping 215 lbs. I continued to try to stay active and watch what I ate but something wasn't clicking. I wasn't succeeding in doing something and I couldn't figure out what. I hated myself and my body at this point.

I found love (well, lust at the time) and ended up pregnant at 21. I gained even more weight. After I had our daughter, I was at a whopping 245 lbs. I lost 10 lbs quickly but then stopped. I was working, taking care of a newborn, and trying to figure out how to deal with the stresses of life.

Then, 9 months later, we find out that baby #2 was on his way. He brought 25 extra lbs with him that I didn't lose. 255 lbs and I'm disgusting. No wonder I couldn't keep things in line and couldn't keep people close to me. Who would want me?

I stayed at this weight for quite a few years. When my husband and I got married, I was still around 255 lbs and our weekend honeymoon led us to an amusement park. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Being told that I had to get off of a ride because I didn't fit made what little self-esteem I had completely disappear. I questioned why he even married me when I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror- clothed, let alone naked. I was baffled as to how he enjoyed it.

Life hasn't been easy. Our marriage has had ups and downs. We've experienced different jobs, moves, and extra stresses that we surely didn't /don't need. Things start to look up, money and job-wise, but, somehow, my emotional and mental state declined.

I gained 40 lbs in 4 months. I was at 300 lbs and I couldn't believe it. I felt horrible about myself. I was surprised that my husband hadn't asked for a divorce yet. Who would want to cuddle up to this or look at this every day? Who would subject themselves to living with someone so ugly and disgusting when there were others who, I'm sure, would be happy to fill my spot?

After doctor visits, we realized that surgery wasn't an option until I find an insurance who will help because I don't have the money for this. I was already on a medication for migraines and after this 40 lb gain, I found myself on 4 others: heartburn/indigestion medicine, metformin for my insulin resistance, the strongest dose of happy pills that my doctor will prescribe, and a temporary vitamin D pill. All of these new pills can be linked to me being FAT and not being able to control myself.

Here we are today: 285 lbs (I lost 15 lbs) and completely ashamed. I am standing here, needing to lose 100 lbs and nothing I have done has worked. I tried a fad powder/pill/patch combo and got nothing. I tried natural pills and got nothing. Started going to the gym and started counting the values and reading the ingredients of everything I ate and got nothing. I have a gym membership that I have used for approximately 2 months out of the 11 months I've been paying.

How sad is that? A 30 year old woman who is so sick of the way she looks and the way she feels but lacks the motivation and know-how of how to do it. A 30 year old wife and mother who feels like she needs a hand to hold to help her get through this and make her life better, healthier. But it's time. It's time to find me; to find the woman who I want to be and who I know I can be.

I need to find myself and give myself the life I deserve. It's time.

My name is Shannon Conley and I am FAT, chubby, thick, obese, and big-boned and it is TIME TO CHANGE!