I am my own worst critic....
cbratthauer
Posts: 228 Member
I'll just put it out there. I have low self-esteem. I can't remember a time when I had high self-esteem, I'm pretty sure there wasn't. I went to a small school, which meant it was very clicky. I wasn't one of the popular kids, but I also didn't hang out with the unpopular kids. I really had no click. I just went to school and that was it. I didn't get invited to parties, I didn't participate in after-school activities. I'm very self-conscious about my appearance, I don't think I'm shallow, I just can't stop but think about all of my flaws....
When I was 8 I went through a chunky stage. That's when it all began. One day in gym my gym instructor told me I needed to lose weight because I was too fat. I didn't eat for a week. When my mom finally got out of me why, she was hot! But ever since then I just feel FAT! I was a double zero in high school but couldn't help feeling as if I needed to lose more weight. But I hate working out and I never did, and I didn't have an eating disorder either, just felt really bad about myself.
After high school I gained about 40 lbs. but I was dating the man of my dreams so I was happy. Then after a proposal and 3 years together, he cheated on me and knocked her up. I got so sick every time I ate I threw it up and I quickly lost 30 of that 40 I had put on. I know it wasn't in a healthy way, but the weight was off once again. Now I am with my fiance of over 2 years, and I am actually going about this the healthy way. I've gained 20 of that back, but I've lost 9 of it so far! I am eating healthy and exercising. The first month I lost 5 lbs! I should have been excited but all I could think was "Not enough gotta work harder". Now I think I've hit a plateau because the next month I lost 3 lbs, then only 1 lb. I'm so frustrated right now I just want to cry. I am going to a personal trainer, and he keeps telling me this is going to be the hardest part because I don't have much left to lose. I'm in the physically fit category, and I continue to lose inches so I should be happy, but everytime I look in the mirror all I see is a big fat blob. I'm down to 123, I'm 5' tall. My ultimate goal by my wedding (September 3) is 115. In high school I was 103, oh what I would give for that back... But I'll be realistic. I just want to quit,say screw it, give up the gym and eat a pint of ice cream.
This, I believe, is where my depression stems. My negative thoughts about myself. How do I stop them? How do I look in the mirror and see what my fiance says he sees-a beautiful sexy woman?
When I was 8 I went through a chunky stage. That's when it all began. One day in gym my gym instructor told me I needed to lose weight because I was too fat. I didn't eat for a week. When my mom finally got out of me why, she was hot! But ever since then I just feel FAT! I was a double zero in high school but couldn't help feeling as if I needed to lose more weight. But I hate working out and I never did, and I didn't have an eating disorder either, just felt really bad about myself.
After high school I gained about 40 lbs. but I was dating the man of my dreams so I was happy. Then after a proposal and 3 years together, he cheated on me and knocked her up. I got so sick every time I ate I threw it up and I quickly lost 30 of that 40 I had put on. I know it wasn't in a healthy way, but the weight was off once again. Now I am with my fiance of over 2 years, and I am actually going about this the healthy way. I've gained 20 of that back, but I've lost 9 of it so far! I am eating healthy and exercising. The first month I lost 5 lbs! I should have been excited but all I could think was "Not enough gotta work harder". Now I think I've hit a plateau because the next month I lost 3 lbs, then only 1 lb. I'm so frustrated right now I just want to cry. I am going to a personal trainer, and he keeps telling me this is going to be the hardest part because I don't have much left to lose. I'm in the physically fit category, and I continue to lose inches so I should be happy, but everytime I look in the mirror all I see is a big fat blob. I'm down to 123, I'm 5' tall. My ultimate goal by my wedding (September 3) is 115. In high school I was 103, oh what I would give for that back... But I'll be realistic. I just want to quit,say screw it, give up the gym and eat a pint of ice cream.
This, I believe, is where my depression stems. My negative thoughts about myself. How do I stop them? How do I look in the mirror and see what my fiance says he sees-a beautiful sexy woman?
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Replies
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Ok...I totally want to read all of this, but I am at work! Will read later...I can relate to the small school clicky stuff!0
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Seriously, you're doing great physically. Now for the other side of that coin.... Have you considered some time with a couselor/therapist? You're issue isn't your body, it's your feelings. Until you get those feeling of hurt/rejection/ etc dealt with it's not going to change.0
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DOn't take this the wrong way, but have you gone to counseling at all? I have many of the same issues and I cannot tell you how much counseling has helped me.0
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I have no idea - I have the same problem. I'm very hard on myself and won't cut myself any slack. So, I'll be curious to hear the answers for this because I'm driving SO nuts.0
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Seriously, you're doing great physically. Now for the other side of that coin.... Have you considered some time with a couselor/therapist? You're issue isn't your body, it's your feelings. Until you get those feeling of hurt/rejection/ etc dealt with it's not going to change.
I think this is actually right on the money. Your body size or shape shouldn't determine your self esteem. Speak some words of kindness to yourself, even your "muffin top". Best of luck!0 -
DO NOT GIVE UP! You are a very strong beautiful woman. I know how you feel, I had a moment yesterday where I wanted to throw my hands in the air and just forget it and not even try again. But I had to realize that's not the example I want to set for my children. I look in the mirror EVERY day and HATE what I see. All i hear are the voices from the past telling me what a fat, ugly cow I am and I know no matter how much I lose, even when I do get to my goal weight it wont matter unless I am happy with myself and get over those past experiences. I wish I knew what to say to help but all I can say is you're not alone, you have support here and no matter what DONT GIVE UP!0
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I have done counseling. I was in all through high school and it helped me a lot. I was seeing somebody less than a year ago, also helping. However, I was doing it through work, because it was free. But with this I only got so many sessions. My health insurance doesn't cover it, I don't make enough money to keep going but I make too much to get any type of assistance. Which is frustrating in itself. So I guess I'm left on my own to deal.0
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I struggle with a lot of what you're saying, a lot of the time. For most of my life, I just saw this gross thing looking back at me when I looked in the mirror. It didn't matter if someone complimented me or told me I was beautiful, I never believed them. I only believed the negative things I heard throughout my life. But since I have started taking control of my body, working it out, exercising and losing weight, I see something different when I look in that mirror - a strong woman who has got it going on!
Confidence comes from within, and no number of pounds lost or inches gained can make it change forever. You have to believe in yourself and feel good about the right things you are doing for your body right now. Empowerment can be one heck of a confidence-builder!
Next time you feel yourself think something negative about yourself, pinch yourself or slap your face, and remember that you are beautiful, inside and out. I'll do the same thing!!!0 -
I think what you need is better left to a professional to help with.
We can help you with your body, but healing the soul is out of my league.
For what it's worth, I think we all see you how your fiance does :flowerforyou:
*edit - and I just now saw your 2nd post - so much for that idea. Anyone else?0 -
I have done counseling. I was in all through high school and it helped me a lot. I was seeing somebody less than a year ago, also helping. However, I was doing it through work, because it was free. But with this I only got so many sessions. My health insurance doesn't cover it, I don't make enough money to keep going but I make too much to get any type of assistance. Which is frustrating in itself. So I guess I'm left on my own to deal.
Check with your local health dept/community service groups/ churches/ colleges. Lots of these places offer free or low cost counseling services. If you can't find any through those, call an AA group. Guaranteed they'll know where the counseling is!!0 -
Your a beautiful young woman!0
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