Please help me...I don't know what to do anymore
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Duda1996
Posts: 4 Member
Hi, I'm sorry but this will probably be a long text. Please bear with me, I don't know any other way...
I feel horrible having to say this, I'm so ashamed of my body and my actions...I just wanna hide myself from the world. Ever since I remember I was never the skinniest (but also never the heaviest) girl in my class but I never gave it much thought. My physique was not much of a concern to me especially because my mother owns a shop and I always had the "privilege" to eat as much junk food as I wanted and believe me, I ate a lot of it. At home, my diet wasn't much better, we ate a lot of french fries, sausages, hot dogs...you name it. But then enter puberty and I started being bullied at school, I'm not the type to ask for help so I endured it for 8 years, my parents didn't notice and it eventually got to the point where I was having hallucinations and suicidal urges. It was at that time that I started paying attention to what my body looked like and realized I was 5'3 (1,60m) and weighted 63kg (I remember measuring my waist and it was 30,5 inches!) and I was only 16yo. For the next 2 years I would go on a diet frenzy that got me all the way down to 44kg and 18%bf. Of course I changed my eating habits to make this happen, I traded all junk food for fruit, veggies, fish and lean meat and I honestly felt good about it but my depression was still untreated and just the thought of weigthting anything above 44-45kg made me cringe. I think I developed an eating disorder because at times I would start craving everything in sight especially white bread and would eat it all (0,500kg bread) but then my willpower (I presume?) would kick in and I would be able to abstain from it without much effort. Obviously my weight started going up and down, first just 1-2 kg then 3-4kg and so on but I would always go back to 44-45kg. The fact that everybody was saying I looked sick, that I could use a little weight, etc, made me feel as though I was never good enough and my depression got out of hand. The fact I was yo-yo'ing and eating compulsively didn't help either. I had no choice but to ask for help for my depression. Once I started treatment, I started to feel a little better about myself but my problem with food was still there and it was worse than ever, I would put on weight but I wouldn't be able to lose it back, at first I could lose 2-3kg by starving but overtime I couldn't even lose 1. Learning from past experiences, I told my mother and we went everywhere in search for help, everybody closed the door on us. Here, in the country where I live, ED's or just any food related disorder for that matter are not given much thought or care imo. In a year, I've put on +10kg (I'm 55kg now and 24-27%bf) and I feel like I'm slowly going back to where I started and it hurts so much because I tried so hard! I just can't seem to control my actions...I can't stop eating once I start (even when I'm not hungry). I can't maintain my weight at all, I can't make healthier choices like before, I can't stop thinking about food all day, I eat past the fullness point, sometimes I even eat to the point I feel like throwing up afterwards because I basically "inhaled the food"...I don't know what to do at this point, I don't know where to turn to and I'm just tired of having such a wicked relationship with food. Because of this, I've had several depression relapses and now I can't even stand my reflection in the mirror.
I think I can explain this any better, so I'll just leave it at that. I really hope someone can help me.
Thank you in advance
I feel horrible having to say this, I'm so ashamed of my body and my actions...I just wanna hide myself from the world. Ever since I remember I was never the skinniest (but also never the heaviest) girl in my class but I never gave it much thought. My physique was not much of a concern to me especially because my mother owns a shop and I always had the "privilege" to eat as much junk food as I wanted and believe me, I ate a lot of it. At home, my diet wasn't much better, we ate a lot of french fries, sausages, hot dogs...you name it. But then enter puberty and I started being bullied at school, I'm not the type to ask for help so I endured it for 8 years, my parents didn't notice and it eventually got to the point where I was having hallucinations and suicidal urges. It was at that time that I started paying attention to what my body looked like and realized I was 5'3 (1,60m) and weighted 63kg (I remember measuring my waist and it was 30,5 inches!) and I was only 16yo. For the next 2 years I would go on a diet frenzy that got me all the way down to 44kg and 18%bf. Of course I changed my eating habits to make this happen, I traded all junk food for fruit, veggies, fish and lean meat and I honestly felt good about it but my depression was still untreated and just the thought of weigthting anything above 44-45kg made me cringe. I think I developed an eating disorder because at times I would start craving everything in sight especially white bread and would eat it all (0,500kg bread) but then my willpower (I presume?) would kick in and I would be able to abstain from it without much effort. Obviously my weight started going up and down, first just 1-2 kg then 3-4kg and so on but I would always go back to 44-45kg. The fact that everybody was saying I looked sick, that I could use a little weight, etc, made me feel as though I was never good enough and my depression got out of hand. The fact I was yo-yo'ing and eating compulsively didn't help either. I had no choice but to ask for help for my depression. Once I started treatment, I started to feel a little better about myself but my problem with food was still there and it was worse than ever, I would put on weight but I wouldn't be able to lose it back, at first I could lose 2-3kg by starving but overtime I couldn't even lose 1. Learning from past experiences, I told my mother and we went everywhere in search for help, everybody closed the door on us. Here, in the country where I live, ED's or just any food related disorder for that matter are not given much thought or care imo. In a year, I've put on +10kg (I'm 55kg now and 24-27%bf) and I feel like I'm slowly going back to where I started and it hurts so much because I tried so hard! I just can't seem to control my actions...I can't stop eating once I start (even when I'm not hungry). I can't maintain my weight at all, I can't make healthier choices like before, I can't stop thinking about food all day, I eat past the fullness point, sometimes I even eat to the point I feel like throwing up afterwards because I basically "inhaled the food"...I don't know what to do at this point, I don't know where to turn to and I'm just tired of having such a wicked relationship with food. Because of this, I've had several depression relapses and now I can't even stand my reflection in the mirror.
I think I can explain this any better, so I'll just leave it at that. I really hope someone can help me.
Thank you in advance
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Replies
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You need to speak to a professional therapist.
I'm sorry that we can't offer you more than that, but what you are describing is beyond the help of an internet message board.0 -
44-45KG? Are you a little person?
I agree a professional evaluation is the best place to start. Your primary care doctor/GP/generalist can help you to find somebody.0 -
Hi, I've just read A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled by Ruby Wax, her book A Sane New World is also really good.
I've read your message, it's clear to me you could do without the diets and start working on some self love.
I suffer from depression and know how hard it can be but no one and I mean no one is going to help you be happy. You really have to do it yourself.
I walk everywhere... And got a dog. It might not be practical for you. But seriously, my dog changed my life and my waistline.
STOP DIETING. Declutter your mind, do what makes you happy, enjoy your positives (of which there will be many), meditate... Love yourself.
X0 -
"Here, in the country where I live, ED's or just any food related disorder for that matter are not given much thought or care imo.", so I take it you still live in the same area? Is there really no one that can help? What about doing some online research regarding therapy and behavioral changes? I'd like to be more helpful, but I'm unsure what to suggest since you say that help locally is not available. When was the last time you tried to get help?0
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What jumps out to me first is that your initial weight of 63kg for a 160cm 16yo female was absolutely normal.
Your current weight at 55kg and 24-27% body fat percentage is also absolutely normal for an 18+ yo 160cm female.
The only time your weight was NOT normal was when you were in the 43kg to 44kg range.
You are correct in stating that you are in an eating disorder spiral.
I suspect you already know; but about the only thing I can offer you is to confirm to you that you are correct in thinking that your problems will NOT be resolved by manipulating your food and your body weight.
Usually people in your situation find help from doctors and ED specialists.
An MFP friend recently mentioned that her ED specialist treats out of state clients on-line.
A search I just did found a number of "treatment" centres that seem to be willing to work with their clients through chat and email.
I suspect that working over the internet with a specialist will not be as optimal, and may actually be more costly, than consulting with a local specialist, in person. Still, it may be better than nothing.0 -
"Here, in the country where I live, ED's or just any food related disorder for that matter are not given much thought or care imo.", so I take it you still live in the same area? Is there really no one that can help? What about doing some online research regarding therapy and behavioral changes? I'd like to be more helpful, but I'm unsure what to suggest since you say that help locally is not available. When was the last time you tried to get help?
I live in Portugal and I've gone to about 7 therapists (all over the country) that said my relationship with food is completely normal and that I should just focus on my current treatment for depression. But honestly it's impossible for my relationship with food to be normal because I don't think what I stated above is "normal" for most people...0 -
What jumps out to me first is that your initial weight of 63kg for a 160cm 16yo female was absolutely normal.
Your current weight at 55kg and 24-27% body fat percentage is also absolutely normal for an 18+ yo 160cm female.
The only time your weight was NOT normal was when you were in the 43kg to 44kg range.
You are correct in stating that you are in an eating disorder spiral.
I suspect you already know; but about the only thing I can offer you is to confirm to you that you are correct in thinking that your problems will NOT be resolved by manipulating your food and your body weight.
Usually people in your situation find help from doctors and ED specialists.
An MFP friend recently mentioned that her ED specialist treats out of state clients on-line.
A search I just did found a number of "treatment" centres that seem to be willing to work with their clients through chat and email.
I suspect that working over the internet with a specialist will not be as optimal, and may actually be more costly, than consulting with a local specialist, in person. Still, it may be better than nothing.
Thank you so much for your advice, online services may be a good option to me.
I understand what you mean about my weight but when I got to 50kg, I talked to a nutritionist who told me that even though she couldn't help me with my problem, I should just try to maintain it because that was the best weight for my frame and height. Unfortunately I couldn't and that's the problem! I can't stop gaining weight and slowly I'm going back to the beginning...even though that's still a healthy weight, I think everybody has the right to feel good about their bodies and at that weight I just don't.0 -
Hi, I'm sorry but this will probably be a long text. Please bear with me, I don't know any other way...
I feel horrible having to say this, I'm so ashamed of my body and my actions...I just wanna hide myself from the world. Ever since I remember I was never the skinniest (but also never the heaviest) girl in my class but I never gave it much thought. My physique was not much of a concern to me especially because my mother owns a shop and I always had the "privilege" to eat as much junk food as I wanted and believe me, I ate a lot of it. At home, my diet wasn't much better, we ate a lot of french fries, sausages, hot dogs...you name it. But then enter puberty and I started being bullied at school, I'm not the type to ask for help so I endured it for 8 years, my parents didn't notice and it eventually got to the point where I was having hallucinations and suicidal urges. It was at that time that I started paying attention to what my body looked like and realized I was 5'3 (1,60m) and weighted 63kg (I remember measuring my waist and it was 30,5 inches!) and I was only 16yo. For the next 2 years I would go on a diet frenzy that got me all the way down to 44kg and 18%bf. Of course I changed my eating habits to make this happen, I traded all junk food for fruit, veggies, fish and lean meat and I honestly felt good about it but my depression was still untreated and just the thought of weigthting anything above 44-45kg made me cringe. I think I developed an eating disorder because at times I would start craving everything in sight especially white bread and would eat it all (0,500kg bread) but then my willpower (I presume?) would kick in and I would be able to abstain from it without much effort. Obviously my weight started going up and down, first just 1-2 kg then 3-4kg and so on but I would always go back to 44-45kg. The fact that everybody was saying I looked sick, that I could use a little weight, etc, made me feel as though I was never good enough and my depression got out of hand. The fact I was yo-yo'ing and eating compulsively didn't help either. I had no choice but to ask for help for my depression. Once I started treatment, I started to feel a little better about myself but my problem with food was still there and it was worse than ever, I would put on weight but I wouldn't be able to lose it back, at first I could lose 2-3kg by starving but overtime I couldn't even lose 1. Learning from past experiences, I told my mother and we went everywhere in search for help, everybody closed the door on us. Here, in the country where I live, ED's or just any food related disorder for that matter are not given much thought or care imo. In a year, I've put on +10kg (I'm 55kg now and 24-27%bf) and I feel like I'm slowly going back to where I started and it hurts so much because I tried so hard! I just can't seem to control my actions...I can't stop eating once I start (even when I'm not hungry). I can't maintain my weight at all, I can't make healthier choices like before, I can't stop thinking about food all day, I eat past the fullness point, sometimes I even eat to the point I feel like throwing up afterwards because I basically "inhaled the food"...I don't know what to do at this point, I don't know where to turn to and I'm just tired of having such a wicked relationship with food. Because of this, I've had several depression relapses and now I can't even stand my reflection in the mirror.
I think I can explain this any better, so I'll just leave it at that. I really hope someone can help me.
Thank you in advance
Wow you guys, so many answers ! Thank you all so much for trying to help or even just sharing your thoughts on the subject.0 -
You should talk to a professional about your mood swings. And address your approach to food where you are both giving it a lot of power as well as giving up your ability to choose.0
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@Duda1996 I'm now 36, my issues with ED's started at 12. I still struggle to find happiness and a balance. I would say that my relationship with food and exercise is now healthy, but obsessive.
It takes time to feel comfortable in your own skin. I have my days where I still don't and other days where I do. Therapy may help. There could be suppressed issues that are causing this. I wish you the best. Hugs0
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