getting a grip on binge eating

ok so I am 42 years old and I have struggled with my weight my intire life. I was fat as a little kid, slimmed out as a teenager but was still on the pudgy side and in my twenties slowly started to gain again until at 40 years old I looked in the morror to find a 255 pound woman at 5 foot 4 inches staring back at me. Not only was I obese but after all I had put my body through in the past 27 years. All the different yo yo dieting, diet pills, weight loss gimmicks and different plans. Over eating, under eating, not eating at all and the worst binge eating, sometimes to the point of making my self vomit. I don't know if people ever really caught on to what I was doing or if I was really sneaky enough to get away with it. What I do know is that until last year when I got really sick and couldn't eat any solid food I thought my binge eating was a secret. How ever at any given time you could raid my house and find food, ok not food but junk food in several places such as stashed in drawers in my file cabinet, cubby holes of my computer desk, dresser drawers in my bedroom, under my coffee table, in the back shelves of my cupboards, in my purse ect... I was also the queen of late night take out I use to order food at night when my friends were gone home and I new no one would be coming around and scarf down 18 chicken wings, garlic bread with cheese, ceasar salad, a personal pizza and 2 apple pies. It got to the point the guy at the pizza store new it was me calling even if I was ordering from a different adress and one of the delivery guys from our local delivery service brought me a blueberry fritter as a treat with my nightly coffee order. There were days when I spent a weeks worth of grocery money on a one day binge. Of course with the food came the very breif moments of comfort and contentment but how quickly were those feelings replaced with guilt, disgust, shame, emtiness,loss, lonliness, anger, resentment, embarrassment, even a deep self loathing and hate for the world around me not to mention a deep deep sadness. Those would be the feelings I was trying to eat away unsuccesfully. ok so back to at 40 years old this obese woman stands before me with diabetes, fatty liver disease, high colesterol, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, osteo arthritis through out my body with buldging discs in my spine and degenerative disc disorder. I was never able to have children at 38 I had a complete hysterectomy due to ovarian cancer and at 40 had sugery to remove cancerous polyps in my bowl. I have food allergies to milk and gluten that cause be to get ill and have serious migrane headaches. And so the bottom line id last year I took a long hard look at my health with a dietition, my endocrinologist, my psychiatrist and my counselor and totally revamped my diet, eating habits and exercise habits. With therapy, regular doctors appointments and the treadmill my nana bought me things worked out well I lost 53 pounds between august 2014 and January 2015. I was doing great on top of the world my binging was at a minimum, my sugars were down , my weight was down, depresion was under control I was eating a 90% vegatarian diet and I felt great. So the most important person in my life died January 28th 2015. My rock, my encouragement, my only unconditional love the one person who made sure everything went off without a hitch, my nana. So here comes the upheaval by the end of September I was moving all my belongings to another province to live with my husband who I had been sepperated from for ten years. Here I sit lost and alone almost 30 pounds hevier, sugars out of control, liver acting up, allergies out of control eating all kinds of crapt I know I shouildn't that makes me sick. Depressed and binging and hiding food again. How could I have come so far to fall back into the same black hole? What is wrong with my brain? Why am I doing this to myself? How do I get back on track? I didn't spend enough time in counciling to really get to the nitty gritty on why I eat. I just thought this might be the place to share my story and not get judged for it but maybe get some advice from someone who has been there. I don't have access to a councilor at the present moment but personal experience would be very helpful thank you.