Looking for Support through a divorce

mellymint80
mellymint80 Posts: 33 Member
edited November 28 in Motivation and Support
my husband of 7 years decided to get a 22 year old girlfriend and lie and cheat for 6 months. I knew he was a liar, but I would have never thought he would cheat.

When we started I had been working out a lot and was fit, I have never been thin, but I was not out of shape.

Throughout our relationship he was emotionally abusive, I have a degree in psychology and should have been able to recognize the signs, but it was easier to go along with what he wanted.

Consequently through the eating out he always wanted and his lack of motivation (just relax, do it later, sit down with me) over the last 12 years I have put on 70 pounds (high weight 272).

I tried to hide it, but I have been told by MANY people they knew I was unhappy. If I am really honest with myself this should have happened years ago, but eveytime I would start to make steps to break free the apologies would start and I would get sucked back in. I am done, I can't take anymore. I finally got him to sign the paper to get him out of my home.

I guess for me I am lucky because I am not a stress eater, I am a stress non-eater. I have to really pay attention to getting food or before I know it I have gone 2 days without eating. At this point all I am craving is water.

Any advice as I start this journey? Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be helpful.

Replies

  • bbilliethecat
    bbilliethecat Posts: 62 Member
    OMG another stress non-eater ! i have never met another one ! i thought i was the only one ! lol hello !

    sorry, that seemed a little crass after your situation . but i've been through the same thing . married for 7 years too . oh, except he went with someone who's 8 years older and fatter and shorter . hmm, it takes all sorts, i guess . now i'm marking on the calendar october because that's when i can apply for a divorce yay ! divorce party coming up, who's coming ?! lol happiness aside, i didn't eat for 5 days when i found out, but my precious baby boy came out perfect :D i finally woke up one evening and managed to put one foot forward until i got to the kitchen and made myself some pasta lol

    now i'm losing all the weight from the 7 years of marriage, effectively shedding him from me . make him eat his heart out whenever he sees me lol i'm evil and i love it ! :D

    be strong, small steps, small bites, water's the BEST but you need food . what do you like eating normally ? eat a bit of that to get you eating again, and work from there .

    add me if you like, message me if you need to talk, i'm always around for a friend :)
  • chey282
    chey282 Posts: 96 Member
    Love it!! Ladies your attitude is awesome!! I can't say just a stress non eater, maybe just a non eater period. If I am home all day alone, I probably won't eat anything til supper. Sometimes I wish there was a "nutrient pill" that I could take so I didn't have to eat!! Went thru a divorce myself, lost about 60 lbs gained it back, plus some, and here I am again down 60 and hoping for another 50! Please feel free to add me, would love to have the support etc! Together we can do this!!!
  • mellymint80
    mellymint80 Posts: 33 Member
    Thank you both!!! I am very lucky, I have a great family and they have been very supportive. He is doing everything possible at this point to try and hurt me, because that is his way of still keeping me around and trying to get a rise out of me. I often wonder what he tells her as he was telling me he wanted to fix our marriage after I kicked him out. That was/is never going to happen, I have taken so much abuse from him that I was finally able to say enough is enough.
  • clh72569
    clh72569 Posts: 280 Member
    I got out of an abusive marriage after 22 years. He made my life hell when I asked and filed for divorce. Not to scare you but my ex also tried to everything to make life miserable after I left. He would never sign papers, delay everything, and even after mediation, and finally court ordered things; he would still not do them. I tried to lose weight and exercise during this phase of my life, but it was difficult. Only 1 year after the divorce was final was I able to concentrate and focus on me. I have successfully lost 50 lbs and have been maintaining for 6 months.
  • chey282
    chey282 Posts: 96 Member
    Mellymint80, please try to distance yourself from him as much as possible, make him go thru an Atty or mutual friend so you dont have to deal with him. I actually lost weight going thru my divorce, started on phentermine, But couldn't afford to stay on it. You can do this!! I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you can do it! This is the time to focus on yourself!! Hugs!
  • tarabole
    tarabole Posts: 166 Member
    I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few years back. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life, but ultimately I know I am much better off and I am happy now. The best advice I can give is to focus on self-care and let yourself go through the emotions you need to in order to heal. When I left the relationship I dropped weight suddenly because I was too stressed out to eat, but I started doing yoga and and running which I found helped me to gain emotional and mental clarity. I wish you the very best of luck! There is light at the this tunnel and feeling really awful is temporary.
  • Asianbutterflies
    Asianbutterflies Posts: 62 Member
    mellymint80 wrote: »
    my husband of 7 years decided to get a 22 year old girlfriend and lie and cheat for 6 months. I knew he was a liar, but I would have never thought he would cheat.

    When we started I had been working out a lot and was fit, I have never been thin, but I was not out of shape.

    Throughout our relationship he was emotionally abusive, I have a degree in psychology and should have been able to recognize the signs, but it was easier to go along with what he wanted.

    Consequently through the eating out he always wanted and his lack of motivation (just relax, do it later, sit down with me) over the last 12 years I have put on 70 pounds (high weight 272).

    I tried to hide it, but I have been told by MANY people they knew I was unhappy. If I am really honest with myself this should have happened years ago, but eveytime I would start to make steps to break free the apologies would start and I would get sucked back in. I am done, I can't take anymore. I finally got him to sign the paper to get him out of my home.

    I guess for me I am lucky because I am not a stress eater, I am a stress non-eater. I have to really pay attention to getting food or before I know it I have gone 2 days without eating. At this point all I am craving is water.

    Any advice as I start this journey? Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be helpful.
    mellymint80 wrote: »
    my husband of 7 years decided to get a 22 year old girlfriend and lie and cheat for 6 months. I knew he was a liar, but I would have never thought he would cheat.

    When we started I had been working out a lot and was fit, I have never been thin, but I was not out of shape.

    Throughout our relationship he was emotionally abusive, I have a degree in psychology and should have been able to recognize the signs, but it was easier to go along with what he wanted.

    Consequently through the eating out he always wanted and his lack of motivation (just relax, do it later, sit down with me) over the last 12 years I have put on 70 pounds (high weight 272).

    I tried to hide it, but I have been told by MANY people they knew I was unhappy. If I am really honest with myself this should have happened years ago, but eveytime I would start to make steps to break free the apologies would start and I would get sucked back in. I am done, I can't take anymore. I finally got him to sign the paper to get him out of my home.

    I guess for me I am lucky because I am not a stress eater, I am a stress non-eater. I have to really pay attention to getting food or before I know it I have gone 2 days without eating. At this point all I am craving is water.

    Any advice as I start this journey? Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be helpful.

    Hi there

    I was in the same boat as you about 2 years ago. I've gone through a separation and divorce right before the holidaywas somewhat in the same boat as you about 2 years ago. I've gone through a separation and divorce right before the holidays. It was a nightmare for bc my ex and my in laws were awful. My ex mom in law was the worst as he was a mommas boy. She involved herself in our divorce and filing of our taxes and just wouldn't stop. I filed and my ex didnt show up bc he chose to go to final judgment so that he didnt have to come to court. I got divorced but my ex started to contact me after 7 wks of our divorce being finalized. I didnt accept any of his messages or calls no matter how desperate he sounded. So when the new year came I felt like I had no control so I decided to take control of my life and work on becoming healthy. I hated the way I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't stand my image. So I began working out and I changed my eating habits as well. I really didn't calorie count or do any fasting or juicing. However I did have a couple of weight plateaus. I only get frustrated and upset and want to quit. But I kept on because I knew I didn't want to go back being the girl that I was before I begin this journey. The following year I maintained my weight with some slacking off in the gym. In this year I am wanting to take off my last 15 - 25 pounds. I give myself at range because I don't like being focused on a number or obsessed about a number. I go by how my clothes fit and how I feel. I only stand 5 5 but I'm also top heavy and has large heavy bones so basically it's like having a large woman's frame in a very short body. It kind of sucks because I'm supposedly supposed to only weigh 162. But Im still going. I wish you luck in your weight loss journey. Add me if you like and maybe we can be Fitness Pals. Have a great new year!
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    mellymint80 wrote: »
    my husband of 7 years decided to get a 22 year old girlfriend and lie and cheat for 6 months. I knew he was a liar, but I would have never thought he would cheat.

    When we started I had been working out a lot and was fit, I have never been thin, but I was not out of shape.

    Throughout our relationship he was emotionally abusive, I have a degree in psychology and should have been able to recognize the signs, but it was easier to go along with what he wanted.

    Consequently through the eating out he always wanted and his lack of motivation (just relax, do it later, sit down with me) over the last 12 years I have put on 70 pounds (high weight 272).

    I tried to hide it, but I have been told by MANY people they knew I was unhappy. If I am really honest with myself this should have happened years ago, but eveytime I would start to make steps to break free the apologies would start and I would get sucked back in. I am done, I can't take anymore. I finally got him to sign the paper to get him out of my home.

    I guess for me I am lucky because I am not a stress eater, I am a stress non-eater. I have to really pay attention to getting food or before I know it I have gone 2 days without eating. At this point all I am craving is water.

    Any advice as I start this journey? Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be helpful.

    you sure youre not me ;)

    i dont eat when im stressed either (thank goodness! LOL)

    look, its new part of your life. and its a part i am LOVING. You will too! Let go of what you WISH had been, and start living YOUR life.

  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
    I'm coming up on the 4th year since my husband of 18 years decided that he was having "feelings" for a much younger woman - I'm the same age as her mother. Other than the younger part, he did not trade up.

    For the most part it has been a good thing, I don't have to put up with his passive-aggressive behaviour. I don't have to eat his mother's horrible cooking (his parents lived with us for 8 years, while his father had dementia). At first I was cooking and eating all the yummy food, and started gaining. Had to nip that in the bud. Which is why I'm a member of MFP, and it works.

    The only downside is when he expects me to be civil to his girlfriend when there is some major event for our daughter - I keep telling him he best give me a wide berth if she is with him. There really is no need for her to attend them, but she tries. Sometimes he is smart and leaves her home. I can be civil to him for my daughter's sake.

    I did drop the extra 20 pounds that I put on post-divorce, and I have always said that looking good is my best revenge. And it is.

    Good luck, you have come to the right place for your health goals.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    Yea. Take responsibility for your life and don't fall into the trap of bad-mouthing your soon-to-be ex. I know it goes against the grain of contemporary society, but so does self responsibility in general. If you want to be able to take control over your life and fitness, then start there.
  • mellymint80
    mellymint80 Posts: 33 Member
    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This thread makes me very upset with myself. While I have never cheated on my wife and never will, I have expressed mild signs that I am unhappy with her weight gain. She was at a normal weight range when we first met.

    I should not have done that because when I read your story I felt compassion and I have been an offender myself. My wife is in the same boat as you except that I love her very much and our marriage is still AAA. She has been upset with me for critiquing her but I am striving to make her happy and trying to avoid bringing it up again.

    Sorry for your loss. Perhaps gain.

    For me, it will very much be a gain. All I ever really wanted was a partner.

    There is a difference between being supportive and wanting the best for your wife and being critical and cruel.
  • mellymint80
    mellymint80 Posts: 33 Member
    sunnybeaches105 wrote: »
    Yea. Take responsibility for your life and don't fall into the trap of bad-mouthing your soon-to-be ex. I know it goes against the grain of contemporary society, but so does self responsibility in general. If you want to be able to take control over your life and fitness, then start there.

    I am the only one that can be responsible and take care of me, I haven't been. I don't need to bad mouth my ex, his decisions are his and I have no control over those decisions. I have to let it go for my own wellbeing.
  • Luluke7767
    Luluke7767 Posts: 35 Member
    I am looking for support / advice in dealing with a probable divorce. After 19 years of marriage and 2 children (ages 17 and 18) my husband has decided that we have "grown apart" and we are "2 different people" and though I have vowed to dedicate 110% effort to making things work he "doesn't want to try to fix something that isn't worth fixing". This is a man who travels and is away on average 4 nights per week, so I gave up my career (I have an MBA) to be a full-time mom so he could grow his career. Now that our kids are almost out of high school I suppose he doesn't need me around anymore. Very convenient. And 18 years out of the workforce and nearly 49 years old I am basically unemployable except entry-level. I am heartbroken, angry, shocked.... I am 5'4" and 152 pounds. I would like to lose 20-25 lbs to improve my self-esteem and, honestly, I'm going to need a new "work" wardrobe (if I can find a job) so I'd like to be able to buy a size I feel good about. Sorry for rambling. Putting my shoes on right now to go walk :)
This discussion has been closed.

Categories