It's all in my head. Always has been.

My names Summer. The very proud biological mother of 3 amazing young men. I have also been known as the neighborhood Mom for many years now. In my 39 years I am proud to say I have made a positive impact in numerous children's lifes.
I have sacrificed myself in order to take in anyone who has needed a hand up. I have managed, and supported a home with as many as a dozen people at a time. Seven of those people were children at the time. I home schooled all of them.
Took them from the crumbling, cruel world of hopelessness in their eyes. I showed them how to smile, and believe in themselves. I turned a half dozen children, and a half dozen disfuntional adults into a family that strived to succeed. Now, five of them are in college and the rest are not to far behind.
I supported all of them with a commercial cleaning buisness I started and successfully ran for ten years. During all of this I even managed to take college classes. Someone had to show the kiddos it could be done with all odds against them. So, I did.
Sound pretty confident in myself, right? Perhaps, even a little conceded. Truth is nothing could be further from the truth. I don't think I have really spent one day of my life with anything but fake confidence. I have had low self esteem ever since I can remember. In fact, even right now as I am typing all of this I am ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of what I look like. Ashamed I didn't go through life with my head held high.
I am not sure that food is a crutch to fill some void. Honestly, I think It's a twisted way of protecting myself from people. I gain even more weight with every trama that has happened in my life. Which makes really no sense at all. Avoid being the victim of someone elses hand again, by being a victim of my own. I guess it gives me some sense of controll over how I am hurt.
Like I said, I know It's all in my head. I really hope no one actually read all of this. I had to write it though. I know in order to finally get past all of this I have to suck it up and come to grips with it.
This is my first time actually facing this problem. I definitely don't understand myself or my problem fully yet. For the first time in my life, I am honestly ready to try to understand now. Some how through my last trip through hell I found a new strength.