Weighing the most in my life

anc93ripmj · January 2016

Ok.........so I just graduated college. Yeah, yeah, congratulations. Thank you. But it's been rough. Last semester I did my student teaching, and it turned out to be the most stressful semester of my college career. And I thought being in music education was bad by itself, but it turns out student teaching is even more trying. I've talked with other colleagues, and they all said that they gained weight during their student teaching semesters as well. Although this is a trend, it's not ok for me. I've weighed 230-245 pounds since I was 13. I've maintained that general weight and have worn the same size clothes for these past 9.5 years. Well, after I graduated, I -regrettably- stepped on the scales, because I had noticed my clothes were fitting tighter, and my face was much chubbier than usual.
I almost fell over, and ran from the bathroom in tears when I looked down and saw "260" on the scales. Never in my life had I weighed this much.
This was 4 weeks ago.
Just last week, I weighed myself again only to be more horrified when I had gained TEN MORE POUNDS. 270 pounds....I'm 5'4" and weigh 270 pounds. My clothes don't fit, I'm miserable, and all I want to do is eat. I'm starting a new job tomorrow, and I will be getting married within the next year. But I'm humiliated every time I see my reflection, or even take a step. Our house is old, and I feel like my ginormous self will fall through these creeky floors at any time. I look at my wonderful boyfriend- 100 pounds lighter than me- and wonder what it is he sees in me, because all I can see is a big blob of fat. I hate myself, and I can't stand to even look at myself. I wear pajamas all day, and when we go out, my old "period jeans" (ya know, the ones with a little extra room when you're bloated) cut off my circulation, and I just want to die. I wish I could take a knife and cut off all my fat and be as small as I want. I'm sick of this, and I need support. I started a weight loss journey last year and quit after 2 weeks. I lost 18 pounds in a week. I couldn't believe it! I was so proud of myself. Then, I just got bogged down with school again and fell off the path. I gained back that weight and then some. I want to get back to at least 200 pounds. I would feel a little better, but if I could get under 200, that would fill me with so much joy! I just want to be happier with myself. As an over critical woman, I will probably never be fully happy with myself, but I would like to not be miserable every single day. I need a buddy. Someone who will check up with me daily- make sure I am not over-eating and staying active. I just need support that won't fall off the track like I do with everything. I never finish anything I start. It's a hard lifestyle to break, but I'm willing to try.
P.S. My boyfriend doesn't know I'm doing this yet. He doesn't say anything about my weight. He claims he has no problem with it. But I do. I'm unhappy, and I know he doesn't want me to be unhappy. So by helping myself, hopefully I can help him. I want to look like the girlfriend and future wife that he deserves.
His mom and dad both are critical about my weight. His mom is a retired nurse/ know-it-all who nothing is ever good enough for her. His dad is just a rude, selfish, a-hole. (Sorry, but he is. And my boyfriend will tell you the same thing.) they have both talked about my weight behind my back and to my face. It makes my boyfriend mad, because it's none of their business, but it tears me apart inside. Maybe they won't be so critical if I can lose some of this awful weight. I'm always unhappy, and that's no way to live. I want to be somewhat happy with my life again. Can someone help keep me on track?
I'm not looking for a pity party...just some support.
Thanks for reading.

Lu_wallace06 · January 2016

hey. feel free to add me. well done for sharing!

Justmj77 · January 2016

I can relate to your story...I too am at my heaviest. Focus on today, and don't beat yourself up about the past. Feel free to add me!

arditarose · January 2016

Hey I did a music ed degree too

I was definitely the biggest of my life during student teaching. Add me.

Razzyirt · January 2016

Feel free to add me as well, I have been struggling and bouncing around on the scales (I've had some health issues that really didn't help) but just reached the point where I'm sick and tired of being fat and out of shape!

Just take it one day at a time. And don't focus on the past, and what went wrong.

angelamichelle_xo · January 2016

ElizabethOakes2 · January 2016

A: Don't do it to make the in-laws happy. They are just judgmental jerks.
B: You CAN do this! Anytime you start feeling down and frustrated, go look at the success stories here and you'll feel that inspiration climb back up again.
C: You just did something extremely hard and stressful. You're moving on to a new stage in your life, and leaping into doing something else that's extremely hard, but it doesn't have to be stressful. Cut out one bad eating habit a week and replace it with a healthy one. then add a little more exercise every week, maybe start with ten minutes of walking, then up to fifteen, then 20.
Pretty soon, you'll look back at this tired angry scared you and say "Who the hell was that? That's not me!"

Schila64 · January 2016

Feel free to add me and maybe get ideas on how and what to eat. Have you started to exercise?

klance1970 · January 2016

Being 45, 5'5 and 260 (also the heaviest I have ever been) I can relate to how you are feeling. I also have 5 beautiful daughters I need to be around for and want to be a better role model for (my youngest are 10, 9 and 6). Take one day at a time and use My Fitness Pal religiously!! I started it over a year ago and then got lazy. I've reset everything and started again this morning.

Feel free to add me ... I need the accountability as well. We can help each other

hales0420 · January 2016

Hey, I'm just starting out on here too, and your post really hit home with me. I'm currently at my heaviest I've ever been. I also have a boyfriend who is normal weight and most days I just feel awful making him even look at me. I feel like all of his family and friends must just think I'm way too ugly and not good enough for him. He tells me I'm beautiful and I don't believe him. I've also had horrible thoughts of cutting off my fat, my double chin and my huge cheeks because I can't stand the sight of myself. I alternate between feeling like I never want to eat again, and hungry until I can't take it anymore.

Anyways, what the point of this rant is, I feel you. Feel free to add me, and we can check in on each other

tpiercy66 · January 2016

I've said the same things to myself, that I'm the person who never finishes anything. Well stop telling yourself that! Stop making that YOUR story. You finished school! That's not a "never finishing anything" person. What are some other things you have completed or proud of? Don't give power to the negative thoughts in your head. Stop telling yourself negative things about yourself. Sometimes our minds lie to us.
I too am the heaviest I've been. 171 at 4'11". Gonna start working on getting back to 130,,prior to kids (11 & 12). My husband is 150lb and 5'6" . Active and a runner. We've talked about doing a little workout together but I've told him I'm a little embarrassed ..me having anxiety issues in life in general doesn't help. But he understands and keeps trying to get me to do something with him.
One day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. One bad day doesn't make a bad life. Just pick back up a few minutes later, and keep going.
Add me if you want
Tina

WendyLaubach · January 2016

I started here last November at the heaviest I'd ever been, 245. That feels like a tipping point in my life. For many years before that, I knew I was slowly, inexorably gaining weight every year, but it felt like something that was just happening to me, that I couldn't possibly control. As long as I looked at eating as something I did every day instinctively, that was true. Then I started coming here and eating deliberately instead. I had always been afraid to do that, thinking it would be humiliating and that I would feel deprived and that food would become a burden instead of a pleasure. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Instead, I plan my meals, log them first, make sure they fit in my calorie goal, and make sure nothing goes into a meal that isn't the thing I most want to eat at that moment, because there's no room for waste on a reduced calorie budget. I eat the same great food I always did, but in smaller portions, and often with reduced portions of the richest things to make room for the less-rich things. I got in the habit of eating things like vegetables and salad first, to fill up before I got to the smaller meat dishes. My stomach shrank right up, I don't feel hungry, and I don't feel deprived. What's more, for the first time in my life I know I am in control of my weight. It's impossible to describe what a wonderful feeling that is: as if I'd been sliding down a rabbit hole and suddenly found the stairs and started to climb up them. I can look up and see the sun at the top of the stairs and absolutely know I'll get there if I just keep doing what I've been doing for the last two months. The first step: use the calculator here to find out your calorie budget for the number of pounds you want to lose every week. Then log everything you eat; preferably log it BEFORE you eat it. It will seem hard at first, but it will get easy very fast. Every day you meet your calorie goal will show you you're in charge. Every week you see a weight loss will show you you're in charge. You will never again have to feel like your weight is just something that happens to you, like an illness.

About exercise, it helps, but it's the calorie deficit that will get you where you need to go. I've been sidelined from exercise twice in the last two months, but it hasn't stopped my weight loss. You can absolutely do this. I'm 59 years old. Three months ago I would have said I couldn't do this, but I was completely wrong. If I can do it, anyone can.

Here's the best part: even though I've only been doing this for two months, that's long enough that I can hardly remember how I used to eat, and I don't want to go back to it. Eating now is a pleasure instead of a guilt, and every week I get a total buzz from my progress. You can have this feeling too.

drabbits2 · January 2016

Me too!! I am 45 and the heaviest I have even been. NOT happy with the size pants I bought yesterday. I have 25 to lose...ASAP! We'll all do it together. Now is the time--I don't want to get to May when the weather is nice again and regret that I didn't address my weight NOW so that by summer I look decent in my shorts and dresses! I have a back injury that has been getting worse and that is my excuse for not exercising. But...that is NOT an excuse for the food I am eating. I just got the okay from the docs and the PT person to try elliptical for 20-30 minutes per day, so I am starting TODAY. Let's do this before the nice weather!!!!

sanfromny · January 2016

I hate to sound sensitive but this is the first time I almost cried over a post. It was desperate, but in a heart felt way. Wish I could reach out and give you a hug. You have accomplished something wonderful. You have much to be thankful for but in order to make the good wife that I'm sure you want to be you have to be good to yourself. I've been there but instead of in laws, it was my own mother who would say things like, you're so pretty but.... Yep, 5'2" and 220lbs..BUT I didn't do it for her. I did this for me. For the mother I wanted to be, for the wife I wanted to be, for the woman I wanted to be. Feel free to add me and message me anytime..

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

zenjen13 · January 2016

I'm a musician, feel free to add me. You can totally do this. Anyone can - just keep coming back every day. Make it a habit. The people on MFP are really supportive and it's funny how you can develop a friendship with people all over the world. Start by getting a good friends list going, logging your food, checking in every day. Little by little you will get there.

hittrain · January 2016

You just took a very important step in making a great and important change in your life! While you're focusing, and succeeding, in your weight loss focus on the great positives I read in your post:

1. You are starting a new job in you career and educational path. That likely means your passionate about it and you have a job that you'll enjoy and hopefully love. Not everyone has that and it will help you be happier in life which will help you as you make the changes you're trying to make.

2. You're getting married!!! Without making the bad jokes a guy would usually make; that's awesome! Even more awesome is it sounds like you're with a man that loves you for the right reasons. That's something people NEVER find in their life. You'll need his support and motivation during this journey; it sounds like he's up for the job!

3. You're starting the journey! Just being here and meeting people to motivate and encourage is a great thing. Embrace those who support you and discard the garbage that you may run into along the way.

Welcome to MFP!!! You're welcome to add me and I know you're going to succeed!!!

Jon

tomatosoup3 · January 2016

You got this!

Some advice-
When I started out, I wondered if I could actually succeed. I ended up promising myself I'd log everything I ate for a couple weeks. I didn't have to keep to any limit- the important part was weighing it and logging it 100% honestly. Anyone can do that, right?

Well, it quickly became habit. It made me aware of what I ate and quickly my eating habits improved. I realized I COULD do this weight loss thing, and here I am 25 pounds lighter and going strong. And I had always thought it would be so hard!

Take it one day at a time! You can do this!

Gertie011 · January 2016

Aw, honestly, you sound like a lovely person and your lucky to have a lovely sounding man that loves you,You've done some real hard work and got a job,those are real life achievements that you've done, now its time to be selfish and start loving yourself enough to think of number 1.
Make sure your prepared food-wise:
1: breakfast: cereal & fruit they keep you going for a few hours.
2: break time: have a snack 100 calories.
3: lunch: soup bread, and/or make a tub full of salad with nuts fruit protein boiled egg.
4: dinner: big plate of veg roasted sweet potato protein.
5: snack/supper: save 200 calories for a night snack.
WATER.
Ive only just got back on the 'healthy path' again Im over 200 pounds and 5'2, what helps me the most is making sure Ive got plenty of proper food in, getting rid of the rubbish, and having substitutes, eating enough at least 3 times a day, and snacks for night time lol, Ive tried going without but it never lasts, and I just feel ill. get your man on board, learn about food together if your not used to cooking, have fun cooking together [or even better get him to cook lol].
I think a lot of people get to this stage at some point,thats often the push that helps get you started.
Just today Ive been for a walk with the dog for half an hour, I didnt want to, its cold and windy, but you know,I actually enjoyed it, I had a chat with a couple of neighbours. Sorry I've rambled on too much! I get like that,add me if you like someone who rambles lol. good luck girlie, were all in this together dont forget!

debradugas9 · January 2016

You sound like a wonderful person!! I would love to support you on your journey!! Im in it eith you!! Feel free to add me if you would like :-)

Weighing the most in my life

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