What it's like to binge...

I know everyone story is different. You might be a binge eater or know someone who struggles with it but for me it is hard to describe what is going on in the moment or after until I processed it out myself. I am lucky in the fact that I have people who support me. The problem is that they try when I am unable to communicate whats going on- I shut down. I know they feel bad or like they are not helping- no one wants to see someone in pain. I'm sure at some points they just want to tell me to get over it. It is just hard to communicate when I have so much going on. So here, in a moment of clarity, is what it is like for me:
Sometimes I know when it is going to happen - my mouth waters I can't stop thinking of food...and other times I don't know until the food is in my mouth and I don't know how it got there. The best way to describe it is like sleepwalking. I can see myself making - eating food but I physically can't stop. In my mind I am tellling myself to stop I can hear it in my head "you are not hungry" "you don't even like this food" "stop eating." But it is almost like dreaming where I can not control the physical body. It is me continually trying to get my brain /mind able to control the physical part of my body- to walk away from the food. This is mentally draining- but also physical. After, when I am able to stop, all the thoughts go into my brain of being a "failure" or "not stong enough" and "how I just ruined all that healthy eating and working out in 10 mins" ( this would be the depression piece) this is when I shut down and am trying to not only process 1- what just happened 2-the negative thoughts but 3- how do I pull myself back together. It looks like I am spacing out or I will cry but with all those thoughts in my head that I am trying to sort out its hard for me to then take the extra step to talk to someone who has no idea what just happened in my head. It is hard to tell people that you feel like a failure, that your weak, that you feel like *kitten*-even when you know they won't judge you... you know they don't want to see/hear you in pain and then they try to "help." It is like my brain has so many thoughts that it's like ping pong in my head. I become mentally tired- I get headaches and just feel physically weak (like my bones feel like jello.) I just need time to process and then use coping skills to get myself out of this "funk" for lack of better words.

I know it is hard to see people in pain but sometimes the best thing u can do is just sit there-not say anything their brain has enough to process. If you must say positive things but in small amounts. Don't continue to ask what's wrong or how you can help. If they push u away-go. Besides being mentally and physically tired they are probably also embarrassed. I know it is hard to watch but it is even harder to go through. It is something that even through years of therapy I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with. I now I have gotten better and the binges are far and fewer between but it takes continual work and many struggles through everyday. I'm sure people's story is different but I dont feel like it is talked about enough. So there is my story.