I binged today

I binged today. I hadn't in weeks and I thought I was becoming a "normal eater," but today I binged.

Back story: My cousin is getting married in September. We were close growing up. Then we went to college, then lived far apart, so we became slightly less close, but still friends. I was a little surprised that she didn't choose me as a her maid of honor, but I got over it because it's her day, it's not about me. Since I live closer to her than the rest of the wedding party, I told her I would help out in any way. She told me she wanted me to go with her to find a wedding dress and would let me know when that would be happening.

Today: I found out from my mom via text that my cousin already went dress shopping (with her mom) and bought one. I got upset partly because I wanted to share that experience with her since I might not ever have it myself. But also because she didn't tell me. I would have understood completely if she had said "Sorry, but I want this to be something just my mom and I share." So, I was sad about that. But, my mom then called me to ask if it's okay if she offers my cousin (her goddaughter) her wedding veil as the "something borrowed." (Seems my cousin didn't get a veil because finances are tight.) I guess she "asked" me thinking that I would want her veil. I honestly hadn't thought about it, so of course I wasn't going to refuse. However, that just pushed me deeper into sadness. I became sentimental and started thinking how I'm probably never going to have the opportunity to even consider wearing my mom's veil, and in my irrational mind, my cousin's dress/veil/wedding became a symbol for things that I'm not going to have. Like I was mourning something, you know? Marriage isn't important to me, but it's still a little sad to see this experience from afar and know I might not have it. Just because it's something that women are expected go through, like a rite of passage. The closest thing I can compare it to is this: I have PCOS, and I always thought that if I found out I couldn't have kids I would be sad and would mourn what might have been, but wouldn't be devastated because I don't have a great desire to procreate.

Anyways, that's why I binged. I had all these feelings of sadness that I didn't want to deal with. And now I feel like I failed. I have no idea how this will affect my weight, because I don't know my weight/rate of weight loss. My nutritionist does blind weigh-ins — he says if the number is going to screw with me, then I don't get to see it. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just had to confess that I binged because I've been racked with guilt all day.

Rant over.