126 lbs lost, 74 lbs to go

sarasmile144 wrote: »

[url="[url=http://imgur.com/alBCIWT][img]http://i.imgur.com/alBCIWT.jpg[/img][/url]"][/url]


Hello there! My name is Sara- thank you for taking the time to read this post. It means a lot to me, after all that I have thought of posting, and all the courage it takes to really lay yourself bare.

I hope this works... I'm a total novice with posting photos in message boards like this. I've always read the success stories here- they've kept me coming back throughout the years in my lowest moments, and the inspiration they have provided me with to keep going has been invaluable in my personal development.. in my journey.
I've posted once or twice before, so here is an update.
This is me, starting at my highest weight of 331 lbs. For me that was shameful, guilt ridden, rock bottom, holy cow how the h-e-double hockey sticks how did I get here. Too many meals of convenience through the fast food window. Too many times I stuffed my face when I felt lonely, sad, tired, and all around depressed. I ate when I felt happy. I ate when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And I ate when I crawled into bed for days on end and the only part of me that came out of the covers was a hand reaching into the fast food bag.

In February of 2015 I landed in my doctor's office, and I was in a dark place. I cried every day because I couldn't stand to look at myself. I couldn't stand to love myself and I couldn't stand the thought of anyone loving me. And I knew in that moment that I needed something different for my life. I was never meant to live that way. I told my doctor this was it for me. I had been given health advice so many times before. Starting when I was a pre-teen and all the way up through my teens and early adult hood. So many doctor's had told me what to do. I had read diet book after diet book. I was the go to girl on nutrition. I was an amazon fitness girl when it came to hard work outs. No one would believe a girl "my size" could work out that hard. Until I got bored with it and went for fast food.

February 11, that was different. I listened to everything my doctor had to tell me. I took it to heart. I went home, and I felt different. From that day forward, I cut soda and fast food out of my diet. Juice has only ever made an extremely minimal return- in the last nearly year, I have probably drank a juice a handful of times. I developed weird little tips and tricks to help myself get along. I never practiced denying myself anything, but I would think hard about whether or not it was truly worth it. I have found that I traded the bakeries and fast food places for deli's. I will go to the cold food section in the deli when I feel like something *different and I let myself get a scoop of anything I want.
My daily diet is 80-90% clean. I live for fruits and veggies and nuts and seeds. And okay, cheese, too. This last year, I have totally loved eating cheese and cottage cheese. My favorite comfort food has been tomato soup with a stick of colby jack cheese and a few oyster clamshell crackers.

Losing weight is not only something that alters your physical reality. In fact, if you look at it only from a physical standpoint, chances are, you will fail. At least, if you are anything like me, you will.

When I changed my lifestyle habits, I couldn't eat my feelings anymore. That was hard. It was really hard. I felt things that I couldn't even quite identify at first- they had been smothered for so long in cheese cake and pizza and endless buffets of Chinese food. It hurt. I had to learn new coping skills to deal with my emotions. I had to learn skills I should have learned growing up, but I hadn't, for one reason or another.

I remember one day- in the photo above where I am in the dressing room, wearing the black shirt and the black skirt. I had a minor melt down. I was trying clothes on, you see- and that has always been so stressful for me. Trying to get clothes to fit. Trying to look "okay", "decent" and god forbid, maybe even "good". I was trying clothes on and realizing that even the smallest clothes from the "Women's" section weren't fitting right.. some were okay. But most were too big. I came to the conclusion that I... me... yes me... I had to go and pull clothes from the coveted "Ladies" section. I didn't even know where that section of the store was. When I began my weight loss journey I was in 3x shirts and 24 pants, or 2x pants. Either way, I had never ever had reason to shop in the Ladies section ever in my adult life. Once I found it, I pulled clothes from the largest of their section. And therein lay my conundrum. I realized most of the clothes from the Women's section were so big on me they made me look dumpy. And while some of the clothes from the Ladies section fit me.. mostly they were too clingy.. tight.. and I had the aforementioned mini meltdown.
Now... I have cried many times in the dressing room over the years. But this was the first time ever in my life I had cried because clothes were too big.
And really it was more than that- I had a lot to wrap my mind around. I realized I was losing my identity- I had always identified as being the big girl, the obese girl, the girl who needed to shop in the Women's section. And I needed to teach myself to identify as someone completely different.

It was like being freed from a prison.

Today, I am 204 lbs. This is a minor miracle to me. As I haven't been below 240 lbs since I was 18. I'm 27 now. I haven't been the weight I am now since I was 13 years old. I haven't been in the 100's in weight since I was 12 years old. This has been my life. I actually have told myself that.. all these years.. "this is just my life".
Well. Now THIS is my life.