I Feel and look Horrible
appy_chick
Posts: 27 Member
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel and look aweful and I just can't live with myself. I find myself avoiding mirriors and pictures. I have always had a weight problem since I was a kid and I have always hated my weight and size. In my freshman year of high school I was a pant size 14-16 and I weighed about 220-230 lbs. I am 5" 4. So I basically look like a ball. But somehow I changed it and I lost sooo much weight. By junior year of high school I was 135 and a size 4 in pants. I felt amazing!! I was running every day after school, I was riddind my horses alot, I was eating smaller portions and I didn't even think about it!! But then I started dating and I exercise was out the door and even though I still rode my horses and such I gained it back.
I graduated high school in 2010 and here I am 6 years later almost the same size. I am 200.7 lbs and I don't know what to do.
I feel horrible. I feel gross. I feel like a failure. I am completely destroyed as a women. I don't feel beautiful. I feel like everyday I am living in someone else's world. I want soo badly to be where I was in confidence and in feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to lose at the very least 40 lbs but that seems so far away. I sometimes think that maybe my life would be better if I didn't care and I could eat and do whatever I want. But I don't k ow what I want. I want to be lazy and watch TV and do whatever, but I don't. I don't know who I am or where my life went....but I want my old self back.
I graduated high school in 2010 and here I am 6 years later almost the same size. I am 200.7 lbs and I don't know what to do.
I feel horrible. I feel gross. I feel like a failure. I am completely destroyed as a women. I don't feel beautiful. I feel like everyday I am living in someone else's world. I want soo badly to be where I was in confidence and in feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to lose at the very least 40 lbs but that seems so far away. I sometimes think that maybe my life would be better if I didn't care and I could eat and do whatever I want. But I don't k ow what I want. I want to be lazy and watch TV and do whatever, but I don't. I don't know who I am or where my life went....but I want my old self back. 0
Replies
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You have started to change already just by joining here!!!
Realize that no matter what weight you are, you are a valuable and worthy person. You are worth the effort to reach your weight loss goals.
Log what you eat, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Once you can see how many calories you are taking in you can reduce them to stay under you limit. It takes awhile to get into it, but once you do you will see results. Just a little loss will make you feel absolutely terrific! And that is the motivation to keep going and stick to it!
You can do this!!!!!0 -
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now, but I agree with @KittyInBoots: first step is to STOP all the negative self-talk! You are still the same intelligent, great person you were when you were at a lower weight. The size of your "shell" your body has changed, but that doesn't change YOU.
Small steps: try to look back and remember what you ate, how much, what you liked and didn't like about the time period when you were happy and at a lower weight. Recreate what worked and eliminate what didn't.
Yes, also start logging all of your food here. Accurately. Look it over and see where your strengths and weaknesses are. Don't overwhelm yourself. Set a goal to lose 5 lbs. Then another. Then another. Successfully meeting goals builds confidence and self-esteem.0 -
A lot of us who have weight to lose (regardless of the amount) honestly and sincerely would likely benefit from talking to someone about our issues (myself included).
But the past is the past, and right now we focus on today, and take it one day at a time. Each one is a step towards getting better, and realizing that bad days are going to happen, we're going to need a hug one day, and stand on top of the world cheering the next.
I know 40pds seems like a lot, believe me I understand. My top weight was in the 300's, and I was utterly disgusted with myself. It's a hard place to be in, and to get out of, but we have to do our best, otherwise it only gets worse.
But you have to push yourself to making better choices, even if it's just making a mini goal of eating at your calories for a week, or exercising several days, etc. Get out and explore the world (I like to find new places to walk, even if it's a 30+ min drive) instead of holing up, and remember only you can make you better, and we know you can.
And for the record, I know it's just a small icon we have but in it you look beautiful to me.0 -
lizzyomac - that's a lot of horrible feelings. Not all of which I think can be addressed in one posting. But I think the first thing you need to do, is just forgive yourself. You're not perfect, but nobody is. The past can be a horrible burden, and none of it can be undone. So drop it. And think about the future.
The second thing... What is good about you? You sound like a good person. You sound like a person who enjoys riding and cares about her horses. I know some people who are like that, and they're good people. I don't know you, but it seems like you are probably a pretty good person too. So why should you feel horrible about yourself? None of what you've told me about yourself makes me think you are horrible and gross.
So let's get a little perspective, and think about it, are you really that horrible a person that you need to feel horrible and gross about yourself. I don't think you should. And what's more, it's wasted energy. It does you a total disservice, and is not helpful to you at all.
The third thing... So let's think about the only thing we can change - the future. Let's picture where you want to be. What is one small step that you can do, today, right now, after reading my post, that will help get you there. It could be not eating that bag of chips. Putting away the ice cream. Going for a 5 minute walk. Dropping and giving me 20 crunches. Telling someone close to you that you love them. No matter how small that thing is.... do that thing, seriously, stop reading right now, and do that thing.
Tomorrow, you will do more of that thing, and think about one other thing you can do, that will put you on the path. And then you will do that thing too.
I'm not promising the journey will be easy, or short, you might backtrack, take a detour, stop for a rest or leave the path entirely (hopefully you come back). But if you want it, the path to get there is there for you to discover. That path is very possible, it is well within reach, it takes time and effort, but I've seen so many success stories, that I know it's possible. Many of us can help you walk the path (I find having MFP friends quite helpful), but ultimately what road you take is your own. Decide if you want to walk the road, and then do it. I hope you do.
Feel free to add me as a friend, if you want company. I'm on the road to losing 50lbs myself - going from 220 down to 165-170lbs.0 -
Honestly I know exactly how you feel. This time last year I was 50lbs lighter. My birthday was in January and I didn't even let any photos be taken because this birthday I'm 50lbs fatter and feel horrible. But you know what? I have been trying to get back on track for months and it's been hard but I'm getting there and you will too. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I have managed to log all my food accurately AND stay under my calorie goal. I managed to lose 10-15lbs before Christmas but you know how that goes... So we may both be feeling pretty disappointed in ourselves, but we've done it before and we can do it again. It takes time and finding patience is crazy difficult for me. I lost my first 100lbs so fast, maybe in 10 months and I never really did learn how to eat. I feel that this time I'm spending more attention on ME and what my habits actually are and how best to work at changing them.
My issue is always evenings. I manage good diet until after dinner, then raid the pantry. Last night I was determined to hit my goal so I raided the tea box instead and had a cup of yummy herbal tea. Sure, cereal would have tasted great.... But I hit my goal because I made a smarter choice.
You will have to work through some feelings of self doubt, disappointment, and who knows what else but as you work you'll learn more about yourself and what will work or won't.
I haven't been adding friends this time around, but your story feels so close to mine please feel free to send a request.0 -
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel and look aweful and I just can't live with myself. I find myself avoiding mirriors and pictures. I have always had a weight problem since I was a kid and I have always hated my weight and size. In my freshman year of high school I was a pant size 14-16 and I weighed about 220-230 lbs. I am 5" 4. So I basically look like a ball. But somehow I changed it and I lost sooo much weight. By junior year of high school I was 135 and a size 4 in pants. I felt amazing!! I was running every day after school, I was riddind my horses alot, I was eating smaller portions and I didn't even think about it!! But then I started dating and I exercise was out the door and even though I still rode my horses and such I gained it back.
I graduated high school in 2010 and here I am 6 years later almost the same size. I am 200.7 lbs and I don't know what to do. I feel horrible. I feel gross. I feel like a failure. I am completely destroyed as a women. I don't feel beautiful. I feel like everyday I am living in someone else's world. I want soo badly to be where I was in confidence and in feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to lose at the very least 40 lbs but that seems so far away. I sometimes think that maybe my life would be better if I didn't care and I could eat and do whatever I want. But I don't k ow what I want. I want to be lazy and watch TV and do whatever, but I don't. I don't know who I am or where my life went....but I want my old self back.
Man, there's not a person alive who doesn't know that feeling. But here's the thing: God says, take what you want and pay for it.
You want to be lazy and watch TV and do whatever? Take it. The price is that you'll be heavy.
You want to be 135 and a size 4? Take it. The price is that you'll eat smaller portions and exercise a lot.
Don't feel bad about yourself. Just recognize that you haven't decided yet which price you're going to pay. Decide, and take what you want.0 -
This is EXACTLY where I was and the catalyst for change for me. I knew I had a real problem when my dude was sitting on the computer clicking through pictures. He stopped on a selfie I took to send to my sister and he kept looking at it. My insecurities went through the roof and I literally yelled at him to, "KNOCK IT OFF!" I told him I didn't want him to look at pictures of me. He said he would do whatever he wanted to do and I told him I thought he was a jerk (in more colorful language) because I felt like he was fine with humiliating me and I stormed off. After calming down and thinking about it, I realized that he hadn't done ANYTHING wrong. I didn't want him to look at the picture too long because I didn't want him to see what I saw when I looked at myself. I felt like the least attractive, fattest girl in every room I walked into. I wouldn't wear makeup or jewelry and didn't care what I wore, because I didn't want anyone to see me trying to be pretty and failing. I was depressed and so ashamed of myself.
Here is the first thing that I did. I changed my mindset. It was extremely difficult, a lot of hard work. I started forcing myself to think in a positive way, correcting my thoughts when negative self talk came up, and doing affirmations. I told myself "I am beautiful" aloud for my entire shower, every day, for a month. After that month I started taking a selfie every single day and making myself look at it and every time something negative came up, I made myself tell myself something positive instead. Then I worked on reframing the way I thought about everything!
Ex: I don't want to be fat anymore. Turns into I want to be healthy. etc
I have lost almost 80lbs now. I'm 5'8 and still more than 30lbs heavier than you are right now, but let me tell you, I feel GREAT! I feel beautiful. I feel strong. By FORCING myself to take small steps forward (when you're depressed, you really do have to force yourself sometimes), I have come a LONG way. I look back on how far I've come and it's just more evidence that the doubter inside me was wrong all along. I don't compare myself to other women anymore. I look at women who are further in their journey and I don't feel jealous. I don't judge what they where or think negative things about how they're probably stupid, shallow, slutty, or whatever it is we women belittle each other with when we feel bad about ourselves, I admire her. I know that I will be her too, and someone on their journey who is at where I am at right now, might look at me and feel inspired too. When my energy changed from negativity to positive energy, positive things started happening in my life. Positive people came into my life. And positive changes started happening inside and outside.
You can do this. You have to do this! The way you are feeling right now is in your control to change. All you have to do is quiet down the doubter and let who you really are and who you really are meant to be come through. Small steps lady. You'll get there!0 -
Walking this same journey0
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TheChrissyT wrote: »This is EXACTLY where I was and the catalyst for change for me.
<snip>
You can do this. You have to do this! The way you are feeling right now is in your control to change. All you have to do is quiet down the doubter and let who you really are and who you really are meant to be come through. Small steps lady. You'll get there!
That's beautiful - thank you for sharing, and congratulations on your success so far.
OP, I hope you come back soon and take a look at this thread, and see all these positive messages. You are not a horrible person, and you are worth the effort. You can't change the past but you can change the future, as Chaagy said.
You've taken the first step by registering here - just keep taking baby steps and change one small thing at a time. Don't look at your 40lbs as one huge goal, break it into smaller ones - lose 5lbs and then another 5, or log your food consistently for one week at a time, or whatever appeals to you. Use other goals, too, like fitting into a favourite item of clothing, being able to run for 10 minutes, or something else that fits your vision of the future you. Don't worry that you don't really know what you want right now, just start to make small changes and you'll learn things about yourself as you go on.
You'll see all kinds of opinions on these forums - people will tell you that you must go low carb/high protein, or high carb/low fat, or avoid sugar and salt like the plague, or sip neat lemon juice every morning and sleep in a field under the stars to cleanse body and soul, or whatever else they feel has worked for them. Just find something that works for you, that you feel is sustainable in the long term, and go with that.
The only thing that really matters, as far as I can tell from a few weeks of hanging around here, is that you eat sufficient calories to function well (don't starve yourself!) but eat less than you burn. Your body needs a certain amount just to function, even if you don't exercise, so eat less than that and you will lose weight. Don't deprive yourself of anything, find ways to fit treats into your day if you want them. Look at this as a lifestyle change, not a diet - you need to be able to keep this up so the weight doesn't creep back on. It will be a slow process, but you can do it! Check out the 'Success Stories' forum for inspiration.
And remember, you're only human. You will stumble and fall sometimes, and that's okay. It's not failure if you get back up, dust yourself off, and continue on the journey. I wish you the best of luck!
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Hey Lizzyomac,
the cool thing is you've already done what you needed to do to be in that great place before right... you'll get back there, just trust yourself, check out this video, hopefully it can help you outhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=l_JAvg2zql8 0 -
This is a great thread. So hard to stay motivated. But once you make up your mind, it can change! I'm taking it one step at a time. This week, I'm focusing on logging every bite that goes into my mouth. I make myself enter it before I eat it. Even if I eat too much. That has been my downfall with this is not keeping up with what I eat. Best of luck!0
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We are all walking in your footsteps in one way, shape, or form. You have taken the first step by being here with others.0
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I am at this stage right now too. I don't want pictures taken. I don't want to go out or be seen. It's a terrible feeling. In the past I've lost 50 pounds and was at 137 pounds at my lightest. I felt great. My confidence was so much better. I used to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to go to the gym and then run 10km in the evening. I moved after college and switched to more weight training. I loved it. I felt amazing and strong! I had abs!! But I had an injury where I got thrown from a horse and twisted my knee and damaged some ligaments. It went down hill from there. At first I tried to keep up. But I couldn't do much cardio, I mostly did upper body work outs. Then I gave up. I got depressed. Comfort ate and started drinking a lot of alcohol. I packed on 25 pounds. I hate it.
But long story short. I realized I could either sit around and mope and eat, or I could do something about it. My knee still gives me grief at times but I do my best to work around it! I think more positively. "I am beautiful, the past is the past." Look in the mirror and give yourself compliments!
So now I'm going to the gym 4-5 times a week again. Eating better. Riding a little as well. (It's hard because it's currently winter here). So I just spend my time grooming. But that itself is a huge mood lift being with the horses. I have pictures of me when I was really fit. (I made them my profile picture) I look at them for motivation. To help me achieve my goals. I am my own goal. I know I can do it because I've already done it!
Also working out gives you an incredible mood and energy boost! It's so worth it to even start small!
Haha also posting trot!! Lots of it! That's always a pretty good work out! Riding is great!
Sorry for such a long post! I have gone through what you have and I know you can do it! You are a strong beautiful woman!
If you want an accountability friend feel free to add me.
Remember, be positive and think in 1-2 months how much you'll appreciate that you started now.
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Being here is a great first step.
Make some short term goals. For example, starting off I decided to devote 30 minutes a day to exercise because, like you, I was in the best shape of my life when I was hitting the gym everyday. Typically I have been sitting on the couch and watching tv for about 2 1/2 hours after the kids went down. Now I exercise 30 minutes before sitting on the couch and watching tv. Two weeks in and I'm starting to really enjoy the "me" time and seeing some changes in me and on the scale.
Do what is right for you. Find your motivation. You deserve to be happy in your own skin, but only you can chose what needs to be changed to get you to that happy place.0 -
Honest question: why would you take care of something that you hate? For me, I had to work on loving myself the way that I am before I could look at making a sustainable change. I started to read a lot of body positive blogs and read a lot about Health at Every Size. Seeing the wide diversity of bodies doing amazing things made me realize that my body was amazing too, and worth taking care of.
I recommend writing down 10 things right now that your body does for you (ex. allows you to ride horses, heart beating, etc) and 5 things you like about your body right now (ex. long eyelashes, great hair, etc). Once you start loving your body and showing it love by taking part in joyful active movement and feeding it delicious nutritious foods, it will respond in kind.
I wish you the best in your journey!0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »taking part in joyful active movement
Now that is a lovely phrase!
So many people, myself included, don't exercise much because "bleugh, exercise!". But it doesn't have to be something you hate, just something that gets you moving. Walking, swimming, dancing, tennis - you don't have to spend hours at the gym or out running unless that's something you enjoy. I'm hopeful that one day when I feel fitter I will enjoy doing some of those more active things, but right now just doing a little walking is way better than vegging out on the couch for hours. 0 -
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and stories of encouragement. I was having a bad day and a bad time and this is seriously so frustrating and difficult. It means alot that you all are so encouraging and sincere. Thanks again!!0
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I feel the same way as you! If you need someone to talk to feel free to add me .0
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Im sorry you are having a bad day. I understand how frustrating it can be to gain weight that you had previously lost....been there, done that. I am a guy and we tend to deal with these kinds of issues different, with that said, just start! You can do this, you have done it before, right? Love yourself, do it for you because you are worth it! I wish you well.0
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I am fifty-five, about fifteen pounds lighter than you, but lost more than eighty-five pounds in the past three years. I have lots of floppy bits. I am loving my new-found mobility and I have taken up all sorts of new activities. It sure would be sad at my age if I had to give up and feel horrible because I am not as skinny and beautiful as I once was.
My fairy godmother wish for all women is to disassociate their physical appearance with their self worth.
*steps off soap box*
Every day you make a good decision, to work out, to portion your eating, to comfort a friend, you are a having a good day.
Even saints have horrible days. That doesn't make them horrible.
Find a way to love what you do.0 -
Think of pictures taken of you as the "before" photos you are going to need when you are the "after" person you are working on.0
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OMGosh! Where to start?! Well they say you have to hit rock bottom before you really get going and it sounds like you did that, so now girl the only way is UP! Trust me, size is no indication of a persons value or beauty ... that comes more from what you do and how you treat others. So here's what you do ... you plug away at it on here and with your healthy eating plan and you start to look in that mirror and tell that girl looking back at ya that she is beautiful and wonderful and she can jolly well nail this. Wishing you heaps of motivation and success
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