One. More. Time?

Kairalie · February 2016

Alright ladies and gents..

I want to lose weight! I REALLY, REALLY WANT IT!
HELP!!!

Today has begun my hundredth time coming back to MFP with renewed motivation. I come here usually with guns blazing all prepared to jump into everything face first. Then by the second to fourth day I crash and burn, usually when the weekend hits. I lose all motivation, I give up after a whole day of eating because I can't control myself. I came here originally years ago to hold myself accountable to myself and to others, but I've learned through my many ups and downs since joining MFP that it doesn't work.. for me.

This time around I've gone to the 2 people who won't be nice to me about it. Who will tell me I'm being a dumbass for eating that, who WILL yell at me to get off my fat *kitten* and go for a walk. 2 people who won't be so forgiving.

My PARENTS.

Now I know that may seem strange to you, but if you knew my parents you would understand that they aren't like most. They won't sit there and be all supportive from a distance. They will be actively involved, calling me up (they live 2 hours away) or texting me, or getting on skype and chewing me out for eating something I shouldn't have, or eating too much, or not eating enough. Both my folks will be like "Did you do anything today? Get off your *kitten* and go for a walk, keep moving. Sitting in front of the computer isn't helping you. GO DO SOMETHING." They have requested a picture of every meal I eat, no matter what it is.

This has to work this time. My mom and I sat down over skype and made a goal. For 6 months from now. SO FAR.... I know. When I did this on my own, I made my goals short, a week. Two weeks, etc. But that didn't work, because I didn't tell anyone my goals. Sure everyone here who was my friend could see them, but it was so easy to just log out, turn my phone to not receive the notifications etc. I literally could shut MFP off and cheat ... can't exactly shut off your parents. At least I can't... not my folks. They are relentless! So I know this will work this time.. I will be accountable to them, even if I am giving up on myself, I won't because I want to show them that I am a better adult than I was before this. That I CAN stick to this.. because even though my own reasons and motivations are very worthy... they didn't seem to stick for me.

Moving on.. Working out, is SO HARD. For me anyways, I'm extremely overweight, and my asthma makes it even harder but you know what.. I might not have done anything today (so far... there is a slight possibility that I might later) but tomorrow I plan on doing something. A video perhaps, or a walk. May not seem like much but for me, that is A LOT. A simple 20 min walk may be all I am able to accomplish right now.. and I feel like that isn't enough. Sadly I know that if I push harder to do more.. it's going to backfire. That is what I did before, I would push myself to do what I thought was enough for the day, and then some. Just to keep up with others here.. I felt I had to burn more than I ate, and I had to work super hard because I have SO far to go, but I would get so sore after just one day that the next day and the next I'd be in too much pain to do anything. So you know what.. that 20 min walk, will enable me to work all week long instead of a 3 hour walk in one day then nothing for the next 7. In time I will be able to build up to more right? That is what I read, that is what people say.. I'm prepared to take it slow because of that goal my mom and I made for 6 months from now.

It's not a short overhaul, it's not a short term goal.. sure I have smaller goals that I am aiming to reach within those 6 months, but as all the experts say... it's a lifestyle change, not an overnight process. SO.. I'll take it slow. I'll work on creating better habits, and just being active. Maybe it won't be a "workout" as most do, but I'll be doing something. Instead of taking the bus, I'll walk, if it isn't a far distance(over 40 min ride meaning a 60+min walk specifically if I have to carry anything home or something important). Instead of taking the elevator, I'll take the stairs. Instead of grabbing that second cookie, or piece of cake, I'll only have ONE, or NONE! Depends on what I feel like, if I need that cookie to sate a craving or not. I feel that depriving myself isn't going to work.. I need to be able to say, "Yeah I can have that," but ONLY one or ONLY this much.

And I'm not going to be taking any supplements, or pills, or protein shakes because a) to damn expensive and I'm on a TIGHT budget. I'm not ashamed.. but OW is what I have and it isn't much (Ontario-ans will know what that is). And I'm a single mom. I don't want to be chugging down a meal replacement shake while my daughter gets to eat a wicked meal! I want some too! So I'm making sure that whatever I eat.. she can eat too. She is very excited that she gets to go healthy with me, she likes to workout with me (when I did them in the past) and she asked my why I stopped and having to explain that to her was hard.. made me feel terrible, and that was another wake up for me. My daughter is a great help, she loves being in the kitchen with me, so cooking won't be a problem. My problem is finding recipes that I can make that are healthy, taste great, AND fit into my $80 a month food budget. THAT is the hard part. But you know what... I will figure it out because if her and I can survive on crap food for that price.. it shouldn't be too hard to switch over right? Just smaller dollar amounts to more frequent shopping trips. So instead of shopping 2ce a month, I can go every week that way nothing goes bad, and I can always have fresh things on hand? Right?

Someone help me with this.. I've never done a weekly shopping thing and wouldn't even know where to start. I'm used to shopping 1-2 times a MONTH, and that's it! I'm going to need help!

I suppose that ends my story for now.. I've said why I'm here. Mentioned my failures in the past, went over my plan and reached out for help. If this resonates with anyone.. add me. Message me. Comment below, all is good. I've got 145 pounds to lose here so.. Join me on this incredibly hard and painful start to a lifelong never ending journey.

Let's get healthy together!

Rachel0778 · February 2016

Welcome back! One thing that might be helpful is opening up your food diary to the MFP community for some extra accountability.

Also, if you don't mind sharing:
1) Why do you want to lose the weight? Your post talked a lot about your external motivation system but what is internally driving you to want to lose weight?
2) Why do you think you became overweight in the first place? What will be different now?

I personally found these two questions to be very helpful in my own journey. External motivation is great, but internal motivation is what really helps achieve long term success.

I wish you the best!

Kairalie · February 2016

I am pretty sure it is open, but I'll check after this and open it up if it isn't.

You are right, external was my main topic there because I lack serious internal motivation.. But to answer your questions specifically:

1) I want to lose it because I hate how I look. I hate how I feel every day. I hate that I can't walk up the stairs of my building to my apartment without getting dizzy and collapsing to the couch the moment I get inside. I hate not being able to be active with my daughter for more than a few minutes because I am too winded, sore and tired to keep playing. I hate that my bra's cost $60+ A PIECE because normal places don't have my size. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and feeling like absolute crap. I look at the size of my jeans and I am ashamed.

2) I've always been a hefty person but when I lived at home my diet was provided, I didn't have to cook for myself, I was in school, had to walk to and from every day, I was in sports.. I was active. But when I moved out I was like "Oh hey, I can make my own decisions, I can eat whatever I want. I can be lazy for an extra few hours or days.. I can take a cab to work, I can do this and that and whatever I want." But it turns out I couldn't I gained quite a bit of weight, but I wasn't huge or anything.. but then I got pregnant and let myself go even more. The excuse was that I was pregnant, I could eat anything I wanted because I needed it. But that isn't true, and looking back now.. I'm ashamed that I did some of those things! And then even after I had my daughter... it didn't get better. It got worse. I ate anything I wanted, whenever I wanted and WAY too much at every sitting. I ate out A LOT. I got lazy and stopped cooking, I would order pizza 4 out of 7 days a week. I wasted so much food, cause it would go bad, AND I wasted so much money, and now that I am on a TIGHT budget I can't believe I did that! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

As for what will be different this time... I've stopped ordering food and going out to eat simply because I can't afford it. I literally can't afford to be lazy and NOT cook. So I'm cooking, enough for myself and my daughter for 2 days. I'm using a smaller plate. I'm making sure that half that plate is vegetables. I've got myself a list of rules that I will follow. I'm drinking ONLY water, and 1 cup of green tea in the morning. I'm eating healthy meats like chicken. I'd die without ground beef so that stays, but I'm using it LESS. Maybe once a week. I'm getting my *kitten* in gear and doing something active every day, even if it's something small. Stairs when I do a load of laundry, or stairs again to go get the mail. I find I can't just workout to workout, I need a driving purpose. I need something from the store, so I'll walk there, even for that ONE thing like milk, or eggs.. SOMETHING!

I appreciate that you needed the internal motivation.. I have it. But I've had the same idea's and feelings I've listed here in the past. Each time I've come back, but it never lasts for me. As good of reasons as they are.. I just don't have enough self-control to stop myself from quitting or eating too much. I don't have enough motivation to continue even though I'll look over my list of self-motivators, read success stories etc.. it just isn't enough for me. So the external motivation that this and my parents are going to provide is what is going to keep me on track. Those unforgiving people who will never let me live down quitting or giving up.. Who will make me stay on track when my own personal motivation runs out.. When I feel like its the end.. You know?

But thank you as well, you've made me realize a few more things. That this time feels different already.. I feel more inspired to share my story, my progress, despite the shortcomings of my past actions, the things I was too ashamed to admit before.. those foods I hid because I was embarrassed and I didn't want anyone to know Iw as eating poorly.. I wanted to do so well that I lied to myself on this program in the past. BUT NO MORE! I promise you that everything listed in my food journal from today (including today) will be completely honest. EVERY LITTLE THING.

ManiacalLaugh · February 2016

It sounds like you have some really good starting points. May I offer a couple little pieces of advice (speaking as someone who has been through this game a lot)?

- Having someone hold you accountable in the beginning can be a great tool to keeping you going through the newbie stretch. However, your parents aren't always going to be around. There are going to be times when they have other things to worry about and times when they're not standing behind you when you're staring into the cupboard and facing temptation.

While you have your parents to help, begin training your brain to help you keep yourself accountable. As a former binge eater, I realize this can be harder than it sounds. But learning that self-discipline will keep you on the path a lot longer than relying on another person will.

I used to be the person who exclaimed over Facebook "I'm doing it this time!" and who begged my family to help me stay on target. However, my most successful attempt, the one I'm still working on now, has been when I didn't tell anyone (they eventually noticed when my pants started melting from my hips). No one was in it to help me but me. The only accountability I felt was to myself and to the scale.

- Realize that the emotional high you're feeling right now is going to die out. Motivation can be an excellent, driving force, but there are going to be days when you just. don't. want. to. do. it. What leads to success is consistency, even through these moments. If you can make it on-plan through a gloomy, grey day, you can make it through anything. Just keep going at it, even when the emotional high dissipates.

- That honesty you mentioned. YES! That is great! Honesty with yourself is how you get to become consistent because it teaches you a lot about your habits, your strong points, and your weak points. If you have a bad day and cheat, BE HONEST. Log it, don't let it drag you down, and wake up the next day and begin again. Don't pretend it didn't happen, because it did - and a month down the road, when you're evaluating your success, you can use it as a learning tool.

I hope this beginning leads you to success. You have a lot of plans for a lot of big changes. I hope it really works for you.

mom2zayne · February 2016

Im with you in this one i keep saying today is the day.. Im done.. But it wasnt until last week when i was told my child is "big for his age" that i felt that breakdown.. That this is my fault i set bad examples. bad eating habits. Lack of exercise. It hit me that if i cant even do this for myself to be healthy how am i going to teach and help my children to be healthy. I dont want them to suffer and go thru what I've gone thru so my change starts now... To 2nd,3rd, 4th whatever chances!! Good luck to us all

ElizabethOakes2 · February 2016

Congrats to both you and @mom2zayne for leaping in again!
Sounds like you have a good plan set up. One of the big recipes for failure, at least for me, was that I'd try to do too much all at once; cut out too many foods, exercise too hard, etc. I'd end up hungry and in pain. I know it's SO HARD to take it slowly, but believe me, those little 20 minute walks will become 30 minutes, and then they'll become 40 minutes. Every little step you take will make you stronger!

Weekly shopping is hard. I do all the shopping and budgeting for both myself and my husband's dietary requirements.
What I've found helps me is grabbing the coupon mailers when they come in and seeing what I can do with whatever is cheap that week. I sit down the night before I go shopping and figure out what I need to make meals for the week. Whole roasting chickens on sale? That can become four different meals over the course of the week! Roast chicken one night, chicken with veggies over rice the next night, two lunches, and then boil down the remains for soup the following Saturday. Pork roast, ground turkey, yams (we eat a lot of yams) butternut squash is often on sale right now... Just look for those sales and get creative.

Good luck!

One. More. Time?

Replies

Categories