May I please complain for one moment?

TaraMaria · January 2009

And I promise I won't do this all of the time. Ha ha! I'm just feeling so bummed tonight. So I thought I might find a shoulder to cry on here...

In the past 8 months I've seen over 18 doctors. I've traveled 3 states. I've traveled 8 hours to the Mayo clinic, twice. I've gone from doing kickboxing workouts last June to walking with a cane. Some days I can't get out of bed. This past year I've had my gall bladder out, visited the ER 4 times for completely unrelated things, and watched my son grow up from the couch. The only diagnosis I have so far? "Probable MS." This does not even begin to cover our car engine just dying, hitting 3 deer and having our transmission blow up.

Then, a week before Christmas, I took a positive pregnancy test. I had to tell my family that has supported me for month on end that I was pregnant. That even though we still didn't know what disease or disorder I have, I had a little one growing inside of me. It was such a stressful thing, but my family rallied around me and we all started to get very excited. My husband and I started making plans for a third bedroom in our house, and he helped me start to go through the baby clothes from Grady. Two weeks ago today I went in for my first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was only 8 weeks pregnant, but this still has been devastating.

I think in my heart I felt that maybe God was giving me a little present for everything that I had been through this year. It has been my dream to have a big family. Any not that it isn't going to happen now (I know that many women have m/c and gone on to have children with no problems) but I've been so sick the past year that I didn't even thing getting pregnant WAS possible. It was not a planned pregnancy, so I can't even say that in a few months we will try again. We are still trying to find a diagnosis. I just don't understand why this had to happen. I know there is a plan in all of this.

There is so much going on that my heart is so incredibly overwhelmed. Then tonight, I'm in so much pain from the D & C that I got two weeks ago tomorrow, that all I can think about is eating. Ha ha! Usually I have half of my calories leftover by this point. But I'm right on target and still starving.

I know that you all don't know me, but I just had to vent. My heart is just so heavy tonight. If I kept it in one more minute, I thought I would explode! lol! Hopefully I didn't depress anyone! ha ha! Thanks for listening...

TaraMaria · January 2009

And I promise I won't do this all of the time. Ha ha! I'm just feeling so bummed tonight. So I thought I might find a shoulder to cry on here...

In the past 8 months I've seen over 18 doctors. I've traveled 3 states. I've traveled 8 hours to the Mayo clinic, twice. I've gone from doing kickboxing workouts last June to walking with a cane. Some days I can't get out of bed. This past year I've had my gall bladder out, visited the ER 4 times for completely unrelated things, and watched my son grow up from the couch. The only diagnosis I have so far? "Probable MS." This does not even begin to cover our car engine just dying, hitting 3 deer and having our transmission blow up.

Then, a week before Christmas, I took a positive pregnancy test. I had to tell my family that has supported me for month on end that I was pregnant. That even though we still didn't know what disease or disorder I have, I had a little one growing inside of me. It was such a stressful thing, but my family rallied around me and we all started to get very excited. My husband and I started making plans for a third bedroom in our house, and he helped me start to go through the baby clothes from Grady. Two weeks ago today I went in for my first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was only 8 weeks pregnant, but this still has been devastating.

I think in my heart I felt that maybe God was giving me a little present for everything that I had been through this year. It has been my dream to have a big family. Any not that it isn't going to happen now (I know that many women have m/c and gone on to have children with no problems) but I've been so sick the past year that I didn't even thing getting pregnant WAS possible. It was not a planned pregnancy, so I can't even say that in a few months we will try again. We are still trying to find a diagnosis. I just don't understand why this had to happen. I know there is a plan in all of this.

There is so much going on that my heart is so incredibly overwhelmed. Then tonight, I'm in so much pain from the D & C that I got two weeks ago tomorrow, that all I can think about is eating. Ha ha! Usually I have half of my calories leftover by this point. But I'm right on target and still starving.

I know that you all don't know me, but I just had to vent. My heart is just so heavy tonight. If I kept it in one more minute, I thought I would explode! lol! Hopefully I didn't depress anyone! ha ha! Thanks for listening...

dragonfly81 · January 2009

Big Hugs sweetie. I think one great thing about having support, is that the support is for any and everything we need in our lives.:flowerforyou:

age1389 · January 2009

I have been reading your blogs and my heart and prayers go out to you. I pray that things turn around quick for you and get a definate answer as to why you are in so much pain:flowerforyou:
Vent away as much and often as you need to.

-Adrienne

mrsbuzz · January 2009

My heart goes out to you!!! I wish you the best and hope that you feel better soon!!:flowerforyou: "HUGS"

msvallon · January 2009

I am so sorry to hear about your pain. You are definitely in my prayers and I hope things will get better.

lpdmd92 · January 2009

Hang in there. I feel so badly for you going through all this at once. The only advice I can give you is this:when you go to the dr or specialist (may I suggest a rheumatologist?) DO NOT leave without them telling you what your diagnosis is. Do not take any 'probably's'. You need to know what they are diagnosing you with in order to be able to treat it. If it is probable MS-now what? that's what you ask them. Also, rule out chronic fatigue, lupus, sjogrens and some other connective tissue diseases. Hence the reason I think you should consult with a rheumatologist. Please do not take this suggestion as any sort of medical advice-just advice for support.

MrsTomy · January 2009

I hope that you will soon find the answers that you are looking for, and that your health will soon improve.

j_g4ever · January 2009

Everyone needs to vent and you have a wonderful place to do so. I would say my prayers are with you but right now im kinda upset with god for my own little reason medical also. :grumble: I will be thinking of you and if you need to vent feel free to write me a message. :flowerforyou:

scarletteg · January 2009

I know from experience about loosing a child. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks gestation. She was a live birth but died shortly there after. She was the first girl on my husbands side of the family. I was completly devastated. Without the support of my family and friends and my faith in God I don't know how would have ever coped. Somthing that you could do in memory of your baby is to plant a tree or even a rose bush in memory of your loss. Time will ease your pain. As far as the eating over your calories, tomorrow is another day and we just have to move on past what we may have done today and know that tomorrow is a new day and take control then. We all have our days when we don't eat exactly as we should or eat as we know we shouldn't. Just hop back on the wagon tomorrow and you will be fine. I am sorry to hear about your loss and all the other things going on. We all go through these up's and down's in our lives. Just hang in there and it will get better.

GTOgirl1969 · January 2009

Complain away, that's why we are here!

I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope things get better for you.:flowerforyou:

TaraMaria · January 2009

Thank you so much for your comments on my vent.

It means more then you know. I appreciate it so much.

Right now my newest neurologist ran some blood work and he is leaning towards a connective tissue disorder. I'm also trying to get a referral to a rheumatologist. Dealing with these doctors have been a nightmare. I've had so many doctors just shake their heads at me. One doctor I demanded an answer from told me he thought what was happening to me was just a fluke...another told me it was depression. I can't tell you how incredibly frustrating it is to hear that its depression causing the total palsy on one side of your body. Oh yeah, I'm real sad! haha!

lpdmd92 - Most of the things that you named I have already been tested for. I just recently had an abnormal blood result that is revealing a possible connective tissue disorder and protein in my blood. So this could all be taking a completely different turn.

scarletteg - I am definitely going to do that. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. My cousin just recently miscarried at 19 weeks and the same thing happened. I'm going to make your suggestion to him as well. I think that is such a lovely idea!

To everyone else...I want to thank you again. This was exactly what I needed to hear! And if anyone has any suggestions when they hear my symptoms and the such as far as what questions to ask or anything from personal experience, I would love to hear it!

THANK YOU!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Fitness_Chick · January 2009

I know from experience about loosing a child. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks gestation. She was a live birth but died shortly there after. She was the first girl on my husbands side of the family. I was completly devastated. Without the support of my family and friends and my faith in God I don't know how would have ever coped. Somthing that you could do in memory of your baby is to plant a tree or even a rose bush in memory of your loss. Time will ease your pain. As far as the eating over your calories, tomorrow is another day and we just have to move on past what we may have done today and know that tomorrow is a new day and take control then. We all have our days when we don't eat exactly as we should or eat as we know we shouldn't. Just hop back on the wagon tomorrow and you will be fine. I am sorry to hear about your loss and all the other things going on. We all go through these up's and down's in our lives. Just hang in there and it will get better.

What a beautiful idea..and how lovely that you've shared it with TaraMarie:flowerforyou:

:flowerforyou:

mommared53 · January 2009

TaraMaria, you feel free to vent any time you need to. We're all family here. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. My prayers are with you. I hope you find out what your diagnosis is soon and you can start getting the treatment you need. God bless you. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Betty

anony999 · January 2009

Hi there!
Hope things improve for you soon!

Have you been tested for Lyme disease (Western Blot test)? Some of your symptoms sound like either Lyme or a parasitic co-infection.

AmyNVegas · January 2009

If anyone has a reason to vent you do; feel free to vent any time. We are here for you. <<<BIG HUGS>>>
My thoughts and prayers are with you. :flowerforyou:

Amy

Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Online Calorie Counter

ce_fit · January 2009

You will be in my prayers as will your loving family. God Bless. :flowerforyou:

mjsnee · January 2009

I just lost a 14.5 week pregnancy the week before Christmas. I have three children now and my husband has been hoping for another baby for the past 5 years. We were all devastated, but I felt very alone through the whole process. Still do. Be glad that you have a lot of support. Apparently the many people I have in my extended family and my friends all feel that the best way to deal with things is to pretend they never happened. Most, if not all but one, of the people in my husband's family have never said a word to me. It's been hard.

This will get better. Insofar as your unexplained medical condition...my thoughts are with you. Keep on fighting the unnamed disease. May you get your answers soon! Good luck and vent away! We're here for you!

Marci

Renae_Nae · January 2009

wow. I just took a look at your blog and honestly Lime Disease was the first thing that came to mind. (I watched a friend go through it and finally 6 months later they diagnosed her.) I commend your determination to lose weight in light of all that is going on. I hope they figure something out soon! :flowerforyou:

TaraMaria · January 2009

Hello!

I was so surprised to come back and see even more comments! I feel so loved tonight! Thank you all. This was just what I needed. I almost didn't post, but I figured it would be good. And it has been!

Renae_Nae and hobgadlng - Hi! I have been tested for Lyme disease, around 5 times. But I've done loads of research on the subject and I know that you don't have to have a positive blood test if you have Lyme. But I'm getting a hard time getting a doctor to give me a clinical diagnosis. The doctors are wanting a blood test that is just not a reliable tool. It is so frustrating. I'm searching desperately for a Lyme Literate Doctor who will take my symptoms seriously. I'm going to pursue that more fervently after I get the MRI results and further blood tests back.

mjsnee - I am so sorry.

:brokenheart: My immediate family is supportive. As far as my extended family goes, I am judged at every turn. I should not have gotten pregnant at this stage of my life and since they disapprove, they do not speak of it. It does not exist. It is so hurtful. Even though this was not something I planned on at this period of my life while being sick, it did not mean that I was not going to love our new little one with every fiber of my being.

I was just researching tonight, as always, my symptoms. I added the miscarriage as a symptom on my quest and came back with Hughes' Syndrome. I am so excited since it says everywhere I look that it mimics MS! It also has an antibody that I have tested positive for. So I will be asking the doctor about it as soon as I get the new test results. Say a little prayer for me! I would so much rather have this then MS or a connective tissue disorder. I still have hope...somewhere in there! lol!

mrhappy · January 2009

I know I'm day late and a dollar short (hey, I'm divorced...) but I just wanted to add my two cents (why am I so fixated on money?) :laugh: )

No one can tell you not to worry, and God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and all that... It sounds nutty when you're the one suffering and people offer platitudes. But what we can say, and what it looks like all the other posters have said better than I, is that we too have had hard times and suffered loss and depression and felt the need to vent - and one day at a time we got through it, and will get through the next valley. You will too!

And the most important thing girlfriend, is that you are never alone. God, family & friends are always with you, and always love you even when sometimes you're not so sure... Now; I hope things in your life turn sunshiney soon! :glasses:

:laugh: :happy:

Nonibug · January 2009

I will keep you in my prayers that you get some resolution soon

~Roni

kellch · January 2009

You have the right to vent all you need. :flowerforyou: And I too, have experienced miscarraige, actually, more than one. They were both at 8 weeks (no heartbeat) and I had to have the D&C. There aren't many words that one can say to make you feel better. Time will ease the pain. And even after time, it will never completely leave your mind or heart, but it will get a little easier. It's a very devastating and hard thing to go through. I know it was tough for me to see all my friends with their kids. I was, well, jealous. But spending time with them actually helped a little bit in other ways. I remember picturing my little angel up in heaven being held by my Grandpa. And ya know, it actually eased my mind. ALOT. I'm not going to get into this too much on the boards. But, feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to. I know the main thing that helped me, was having my friends that would let me just talk, vent, and cry to them. (while others would just try to avoid the issue, thinking it was the best way to handle it) Soooooo....my ears are open for ya if ya need to chat, vent, or ask for advice. :flowerforyou:

And I've heard the planting a tree thing too. It's a good idea. But, I never did it. I got a puppy :happy: Believe it or not it helped a little.

I'll keep you in my prayers:flowerforyou:

{hugs}

LokiFae · January 2009

I don't have any advice or anything, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. Keep us updated on what's happening with you. :flowerforyou: And hug that little Grady for me!

Phoenix_Rising · January 2009

I have no useful words.
Just sending hugs and positive thoughts.

dkell · January 2009

You are so beautiful inside and out. :flowerforyou:

I too had two miscarages between my first and second child and I too vision those babies with my grandpa and grandma and now dad. :brokenheart: :brokenheart: :flowerforyou: I am 53 and I still remember the hurt that I felt when I lost those babies. The hurt is not so sharp but the memories are still in my mind. Time helps but I think that every pain is what makes us what we are today.

jackeh · January 2009

HUGS:flowerforyou:

I hope it all starts looking up for you

jackie

anony999 · January 2009

Renae_Nae and hobgadlng - Hi! I have been tested for Lyme disease, around 5 times. But I've done loads of research on the subject and I know that you don't have to have a positive blood test if you have Lyme. But I'm getting a hard time getting a doctor to give me a clinical diagnosis. The doctors are wanting a blood test that is just not a reliable tool. It is so frustrating. I'm searching desperately for a Lyme Literate Doctor who will take my symptoms seriously. I'm going to pursue that more fervently after I get the MRI results and further blood tests back.

I was just researching tonight, as always, my symptoms. I added the miscarriage as a symptom on my quest and came back with Hughes' Syndrome. I am so excited since it says everywhere I look that it mimics MS! It also has an antibody that I have tested positive for. So I will be asking the doctor about it as soon as I get the new test results. Say a little prayer for me! I would so much rather have this then MS or a connective tissue disorder. I still have hope...somewhere in there! lol!

Lyme specialists are few and far between. My girlfriend went through some of your same heartache - misdiagnoses and pain for 10 years - before finding a specialist who doesn't strictly rely on CDC-recommended guidelines (which are outdated and only identify/treat certain strains). She was in very bad shape when she finally found him, and she has since been improving quite a lot over the past year or so. I will ask her how she ultimately located her doc and PM you if I find out anything helpful.

I am not familiar with Hughes', but either way, I hope you get some definite answers soon, so you can work on a plan. Not knowing is THE WORST! At least when you know your enemy, you can form an attack plan.

Good luck to you!

May I please complain for one moment?

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