I really need a cigarette. Just typing to try & make the cra

Helice
Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
edited September 28 in Motivation and Support
Bit of background history: (You dont really need to read this paragraph).
Iv started smoking when i was 13, at first it was hard to get hold of *kitten* so i would pay random strangers to go into shops for me. I would end up with maybe 2 *kitten* a day..
When i turned 14 i got good at picking out which strangers would say yes to buying me *kitten* and went up to smoking 40 *kitten* a day.
Then when i turned 15 my group of friends changed and they were nagging me about quitting, so i went down to about 5 a day.. I wasnt happy only having 5 *kitten* a day though, i still wanted to be smoking atleast 20 a day. The problem was was that i couldnt smoke 20 a day because my new friends who didnt smoke wernt prepared to wait around for me a couple of hours each day to try and get *kitten*..
And then finally 2 years ago when i turned 16 i started going out with my fiance and he wasnt happy at all with me smoking, so it went down for a couple of weeks to 1 *kitten* a day (i really wasnt happy with this). And then finally one day i had a *kitten* and eh got really upset with me so i just went cold turkey then and there...

I didnt want to quit smoking, i still see it as i do smoke, i just cant have a *kitten* right now,.. Im just waiting for that class bell to ring i guess so i can go have a *kitten*...
Im just waiting for my fiance to say im allowd to smoke again.
I know i will always for the rest of my life want to smoke.
And i know there is no escape from this feeling, and that i will NEVER be truly happy until i am allowd to smoke again as much as i want..

But.... Im not allowd.
Not smoking makes me so miserable.
But smoking makes my fiance miserable..
and i care more about his happiness then mine..
Id rather NEVER smoke again and him be happy, than have a *kitten* and him be miserable...

The problem is is that i cant talk to him about it because he gets upset that it has been 2 years and i still always want a *kitten*.
The only time i dont want a *kitten* is when im having sex or im starving and then these feelings over power the *kitten* cravings..

And im trying everything to make the cravings go away..
Im trying to exercise..
Im standing outside trying to take the cold like i use to when i had to go outside to smoke,.
Im eating even tho im not hungry to try and keep my hands and mouth busy...
Iv rolled up pieces of paper and pretended there *kitten*. But then my fiance just gets annoyed with me sucking on a rolled up piece of paper and takes it off me and bins it..

Uhhh im so miserable i just really need a *kitten*..




Im sorry this isnt exactly a very good post. I just wanted to write down how im feeling.. Im sure iv forgotten alot of the stuff i want to write down..


But if anyone does have any ideas to stop *kitten* cravings id love to know!

.

Replies

  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
    I dont want to need a *kitten* anymore ='[
  • scantrll
    scantrll Posts: 271 Member
    Have you thought about talking a therapist about this need to smoke? After two years of not smoking its no longer a physical addiction, its a mental one and you might benefit by trying to figure out the reason behind this need.

    Hope you eventually feel better. You're body thanks you for no longer smoking even if your mind is still having problems.
  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
    I hope your right...
    I dont like the idea of talking to therapist.
    Theres something about it that makes me feel like id be crazy....
    Although my future mum in law is a psychiatrist..
    and whenever i say infront of her i need a *kitten* (she knows how long iv been cold turkey for), she just says ul be fine uv come this far..
    I suppose one day il forget, headaches eventually fade.. This is just like a really long headache..
    Uft.
  • ypriddy
    ypriddy Posts: 8 Member
    Hello Helice, I totally understand the strong urge to smoke. I started my weight loss and stop smoking at the same time and that was very difficult. I actually purchased an e-cigarette and that has literally been a life saver. I tried one about 2 years ago and it didn't last very long because it just didn't seem to hit the spot. The one I'm using now is the Joye eGo at this website http://www.route66vapor.com/categories/Joye-eGo-E-Cigs/ and I have not picked up another cigarette since then. It has now been about 35 days and I have been totally smoke free. I went to a club and I went out to the smokers area with my sister and the smell of all the smoke literally made my stomach sick! I didn't think I would ever be able to say that but I get the nicotine that I need from my e-cigarette and I am totally satisfied. Hopefully this will provide you some kind of encouragement that you are not in this alone. PS my husband also says I don't "stink" anymore :-) GOOD LUCK!!!!!

    ~Yolanda~
  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
    Iv looked into all of these nicotine replacement things...
    And i like the idea of them..
    The problem is is that my fiance wont le tm etouch ANYTHING with nicotine in it,...
    So i said what about them steam *kitten* where you smoke hot water and blow out steam.
    But he says that thats a step backwards.. And wont let me try any of it.
  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
    ...........

    I hate seeing other people that smoke.
    It makes me so jealouse.
    Im like why the **** are they allowd to smoke and im not...
    I just wanna grab there cigarette and go hah now your not allowd to smoke either and chuck it away..
    Uhh i become such a ***** when i need a *kitten* =[
  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
    =[ =[
    Im going to have to try and eat more to counteract the cravings...
  • nikkircaddell
    nikkircaddell Posts: 56
    I've went 49 hours without a cigarette so far now and the odd thing is im supposed to be craving them more than someone who quit 2 years ago(i think). My opinion is as follows.....you resent your fiance for you having to quit before you were ready and you are holding onto the grudge of that by complaining about wanting to smoke so bad just because you arent ready to blame the real problem. The fact that you had to quit something you enjoy and possibly could still be enjoying when he hasnt quit anything to be with you............just my opinion
  • SylviaJava
    SylviaJava Posts: 7
    Hi Helice...

    Maybe your fiance should let you at least try something that might help you out, if he really loves you!
    I've stopped smoking last year (it's been a year and 4 months... no no, I'm not counting the days), and I still miss it! The difference is, when I stopped, I had decided that I wasnt going to start that again.

    Maybe that's why you have such a hard time with this, you never really decided that you were done with this, if you feel like you're just waiting for that bell to ring, as you say.

    I guess the only thing I can suggest that might help would be to look at the options available (e-cigarette, patch, nicotine replacement things) and choose one that seems to fit you, whether or not your fiance likes it. My thinking is, if he really loves you, he should love you enough for you to find something that will help you, because if you keep up like that, you might end up resenting him, and start smoking again... (not necesserally in that order)

    I wish you the best of luck, and I do hope you'll figure out a way to kick those cravings.
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