Pride, Peanut Butter and other inner demons.
Tri_Dad
Posts: 1,465
Greetings MFP community. Full disclosure, that is the purpose of my visit here today. Admittance of Guilt, Pride and any other inner demon that comes with it. A purging of my mental place for anyone and everyone to see. A sharing of my experience for the benefit of myself and hopefully a few other folks. For those who don’t know me (as I am sure many don’t, its been so long.) My name is Andrew, I am a 30 year old father of 3 boys and husband to an amazing woman. I came to MFP over two years ago at 319 lbs and over the course of a year made some wonderful friends and changed my life going from 319lbs to 194 lbs. I was a new man, a better father, a better husband and an inspiration to others on the site.
I would love to stop there, but that would defeat the purpose of this post. It’s been close to a year and a half since that time and I find myself wondering where it went wrong. Today I am a hefty 283 lbs. As an unknown author once said “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” While not back to where I started we have certainly failed to “maintain”. I have to ask myself why? Why did I let it go this far. And why did I let it start? I’ve given it a lot of thought and I need to share. Feel free to not read on, but some of this might be useful in your own journey.
#1:Over Confidence- I think this is where is started for me. I had pretty much reached my goal, Local news stations were doing stories on how successful I was and had asked me to mentor others. I’m a man. It doesn’t take much for me to get a big head. I think I was so confident that I had things under control that I took my eye off the ball. It began to be “no big deal” if I skipped my workout or if I ate like a piggy. I didn’t need to log my food. I had it all figured out. Afterall I had EVERYTHING under control.
#2:Then comes the excuses-
Excuses not to work out.
Too Tired
Tooth ache
Need more time with my family
Want to relax after a long day
I could list them forever. I started to adopt old bad habits like giving up on a day because I ate something bad and allowing myself to continue to eat bad for the whole day. It was like I had forgotten every valuable lesson I had learned.
#3: Pride-
Woah, this is the big one. I have made such wonderful friends here on MFP. People who have changed my life in so many ways and have given me friendships that will be in my heart always. When things started to go bad, I ran from them. This is the hardest thing for me to admit because I am so disappointed in myself for allowing my pride to take these friendships away from me. I had my excuses when my wife would ask why I didn’t post on the boards anymore. “Ah they all talk about girl stuff. I’m just not interested.” When all along the truth has been that I am struggling and failing and I don’t want them to see my weakness. We are talking about a group of the most supportive forgiving people you will ever meet. People who’s lives and experiences added so much to my everyday and I was willing to sacrifice that over the shame I was feeling. This was probably my biggest failure of all.
So what now? Get back up that’s what. “Fall seven times, Get up eight”-Old Chinese proverb. I suppose that’s the purpose for my rambling today. Get everything on the table. Lay it all out for myself to see and know that the only real failure in anything is to stop trying. Author Maria Robinson put it best-“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” If anything I have learned about what pitfalls wait for me. At one point I had so much shame over the events of the last two years. It’s time to put that shame aside and recognize that I am worth as much today as I was at the peak of success. It’s time to embrace things for what they are and move forward knowing that I am the creator of my future and the past has no power over us. Thank you for bearing with me while I spilled my heart. Each and every one of you are an inspiration regardless of how much success you have because trying is the biggest success. The only true failure you can have is failing to try. Keep up the good work people. It’s an honor to be back among you.
I would love to stop there, but that would defeat the purpose of this post. It’s been close to a year and a half since that time and I find myself wondering where it went wrong. Today I am a hefty 283 lbs. As an unknown author once said “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” While not back to where I started we have certainly failed to “maintain”. I have to ask myself why? Why did I let it go this far. And why did I let it start? I’ve given it a lot of thought and I need to share. Feel free to not read on, but some of this might be useful in your own journey.
#1:Over Confidence- I think this is where is started for me. I had pretty much reached my goal, Local news stations were doing stories on how successful I was and had asked me to mentor others. I’m a man. It doesn’t take much for me to get a big head. I think I was so confident that I had things under control that I took my eye off the ball. It began to be “no big deal” if I skipped my workout or if I ate like a piggy. I didn’t need to log my food. I had it all figured out. Afterall I had EVERYTHING under control.
#2:Then comes the excuses-
Excuses not to work out.
Too Tired
Tooth ache
Need more time with my family
Want to relax after a long day
I could list them forever. I started to adopt old bad habits like giving up on a day because I ate something bad and allowing myself to continue to eat bad for the whole day. It was like I had forgotten every valuable lesson I had learned.
#3: Pride-
Woah, this is the big one. I have made such wonderful friends here on MFP. People who have changed my life in so many ways and have given me friendships that will be in my heart always. When things started to go bad, I ran from them. This is the hardest thing for me to admit because I am so disappointed in myself for allowing my pride to take these friendships away from me. I had my excuses when my wife would ask why I didn’t post on the boards anymore. “Ah they all talk about girl stuff. I’m just not interested.” When all along the truth has been that I am struggling and failing and I don’t want them to see my weakness. We are talking about a group of the most supportive forgiving people you will ever meet. People who’s lives and experiences added so much to my everyday and I was willing to sacrifice that over the shame I was feeling. This was probably my biggest failure of all.
So what now? Get back up that’s what. “Fall seven times, Get up eight”-Old Chinese proverb. I suppose that’s the purpose for my rambling today. Get everything on the table. Lay it all out for myself to see and know that the only real failure in anything is to stop trying. Author Maria Robinson put it best-“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” If anything I have learned about what pitfalls wait for me. At one point I had so much shame over the events of the last two years. It’s time to put that shame aside and recognize that I am worth as much today as I was at the peak of success. It’s time to embrace things for what they are and move forward knowing that I am the creator of my future and the past has no power over us. Thank you for bearing with me while I spilled my heart. Each and every one of you are an inspiration regardless of how much success you have because trying is the biggest success. The only true failure you can have is failing to try. Keep up the good work people. It’s an honor to be back among you.
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Replies
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Thanks - I needed that. I, too, lost a good amount of weight and gained nearly every pound back. Together, we can do this!
Good Luck and you are WORTH IT!0 -
We're here for you...come back on into the fold! We can do this together!0
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And, you honor us and yourself for this honest and brilliant post!
Welcome back, there will be no stopping you now!!
:smokin:0 -
You are awesome. Welcome back. You did it before and can do it again. It is hard work, but something that is soooo well worth the work!!!0
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I hear ya, son! I feel the same frustration with myself as I try (again) to figure out this fitness/weight loss thing. It is so hard to stay the course and so easy to fall off it. I thought I would reply to your post to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. There are lots of us out there that are currently picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, and trying again. Your post made me feel better, like I am not the only one who can't seem to 'get it' and who feels like they are starting over. Today is my first day on MFP and all I can say is that I remain willing - I remain willing to try something new. I remain willing to start again. I haven't given up completely yet, and neither have you. So, go us! Lots of people might just quit but we do not, and that's something. it's a (re) starting point, if nothing else, right? Good luck to you!0
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BRAVO!!!! You made the decision to start again and thats whats important. You CAN do this..we all can..with motivation and support. So let's do this thing!!!!!0
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Loved reading your honesty! I know what you are talking about. Haven't actually met my goal before but have thought I "knew it all," and tried to continue but went back to my old ways. Good for you for coming back! You already know this works. Good luck. we are here for you.0
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It takes courage to admit that you missed it! But as you say the past has no place in your future!! you can change your destiny, and this is the place to do it, where you get honest feedback, and genuine support, We all have days when we just need to be told that we are not alone, on this seemingly endless journey, I know it, I need it too!! But once again, good on ya! and the very best of luck!0
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we can do this! love the post, you inspire me!
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Andrew--
you are an amazing man-- Beth is so lucky to have you.
I am so proud of you for how honest you are. It's one thing to be honest with yourself and your wife, but something altogether different and awesome and inspiring for you to lay yourself bare to everyone here. That takes a big man-- and I'm not talking about your 283 pounds. That's just a number-- you are an incredible friend, incredible person, incredible husband and father-- incredible man.
Don't you ever forget that.
So happy to have you back!!
Love the crud out of you, Batman.0 -
Hey there,
You have been and are a great inspiration. Because, a teacher once told me it's easy to go to the top, but it's harder to stay at the top. You have done this before and you can do it again. I also have gained back all the weight I have lost and have felt all those feelings you mentioned. The worst thing would be to be in denial, but you are brave and are back here.
You are wonderful, and an amazing person, and I know you can accomplish anything!0 -
Thanks for all the kind words. Almost made the big man cry at work. Almost...lol.
Look forward to meeting all the new folks. Thanks again for all the support.
P.s. Marla, you were the ones I feared the most in laying myself bare. And for that reason I truley love you.
OK mushy time is over. Time to get to work!0 -
Andrew. What a well written post. You know we love you no matter what. Each and every one of us has our weaknesses and moments that we are not proud of, put them aside, get back at it.
I know you'll be back to doing triathlons again in no time.
I'm looking forward to catching up with my fellow Champ.
PS. You know Marla doesn't pull any punches, she's our tough love mama, but we love her and we need her!0 -
Batman- I am glad to hear you are back. You are still an inspiration!0
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Pleased to meet you, Andrew. What a beautiful post.0
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Awesome...just awesome...welcome back....0
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It's not often I respond to such a post as this.. I read them, I commend the poster to myself, and then I move on. However, today, I just have to say thank you so much for laying this all out. It was just what I needed to see today.
January 2010 I started to lose weight for various reasons, and over the course of the year lost 71lb... not excessively fast, but I was pretty damn proud of myself. January 2011 I emigrated to the other side of the planet, and I had already agreed with myself that while we got settled I would put the weight loss on the back burner (not give up on it, but not worry about logging etc - we knew we wouldn't have an internet connection for a while). During the next three to four months I piled 12lb back on, and stupidly tried to hide it even from myself.
I kept trying to brush it under the carpet... it wasn't a problem, I wasn't back to where I'd started etc. Now, I just can't seem to get properly back on the wagon... I realised that I was going to struggle as I'd lost the momentum, so I reduced the deficit in the hope that if I could get back to either maintaining or possibly losing half a pound a week I was happy, and it would eventually come off... and for a couple of months that has worked, and I've lost three of those pounds. The last couple of weeks have been a real struggle, and today when I weighed in (only weigh in once a week... to addicted to the scales otherwise) I'd put on 2lb this week.
Now I know logically that I haven't really put on 2lb this week - Over the course of the week I'm only 200 calories over, and I haven't logged the little bit of exercise I've done, so taking that into account I've probably come in right on target, but I have been eating crap - could come up with a load of excuses, but they are just excuses. However, my logical mind isn't the one winning at the moment - that would be the totally emotionally wrapped up in this process mind. So to see your post where you could be so honest, and so positive about getting to grips with things again... like I say, it was just what I needed to see.
Here's hoping the kick up the backside it's given me today can last for some time to come.0 -
Thank you for sharing! That's an awesome
post.0 -
From the day we first met I knew you were a special man.
It is so ON!!! 0 -
Andrew,
I just had to bump this up. I think this is one of the most important posts I've ever read on MFP.
We're all so absorbed in losing the weight, high on success when we do, that we forget that the most important task is to not gain it back. Thinking about that feels like thinking about failure and we shy away from it. Even here on MFP, the maintenance threads are buried deep and hard to find. And it makes me sad to think about all the folks who drop off along the way - never quite making goal, gaining back the weight bit by bit and too ashamed to speak up.
The truth is maintenance is harder work than losing weight. The compliments stop (the TV crews go home!), people start complaining if you are "still" watching what you eat or exercising daily, there are no more NSVs and no more lower numbers on the scale to rejoice over. It's kind of like bringing home the first baby - its 2AM and you're staring at this screaming infant, you really just want to back to bed and you're on your own. Babies you have to keep but getting out to the gym or not tearing into that bag of chips suddenly just doesn't seem worth it.
I haven't got any answers but knowing you're not alone should help. In fact, it's pretty crowded in the "Gained It Back" room. But we're all standing in here with our eyes closed, pretending we're not here. Thanks for opening up your eyes and speaking the truth.0 -
Thanks for sharng you're thoughts on the one Jeanne. The words warm the heart and its wonderful to think that none of us are alone in these struggles. Needed to purge the demons before it hit the field again. You make sure you stay with us on the black team thread. Shy or not. Your one of us now.
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Andrew....
Thank you so much for this. I had lost 87 lbs and my eating habits have taken a turn for the worse. I have never given up on the work outs. I guess that is because I am in the habit of waking up early and have nothing to do but go to the gym or walk the dogs.
But the eating...oh the eating.... there is not enough exercise in the world to make up for bad eating. I, too, am standing in the "Gained It Back" room as Jeanne says.
This past Saturday I went to a Health and Wellness show. Richard Simmons was there, as was Patrick House from The Biggest Loser. He has kept most of the weight off and still looks great. I shook his hand and had my picture taken with him. Then, the most fortunate thing happened to me. I was sitting down watching my husband spin his heart out at a spinning demo. There was a gentleman sitting near me, having some quiet time but I recognized him as Robert Kennedy. He is the publisher of Oxygen magazine, MuscleMag and some other fitness magazines. His wife is Tosca Reno (advocate of clean eating and author of many books). He had the coolest shoes on, so I used that as a way to strike up a conversation. ( They were Prada and way out of my price league, but they looked good) . I spent about 15 minutes talking with this man. He told me about his and Tosca's work out routines, how she eats clean 100% of the time and all kinds of other things. Tosca Reno used to be 80 lbs heavier and he told me she was afraid of ever going back there.
I clued in then.... I am missing the fear. I should be afraid of weighing 340lbs again. I should be afraid of the health risks and the pain. I should be afraid of not fitting in an airline seat and I should be afraid of not loving myself.
I am pleased to say that my eating habits have improved. They are not perfect yet but it took me time to perfect them and it took me time to lose them. I am finding them one by one. And one day, I will be back on top of my game totally.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have always respected you here on these threads and continue to do so. You have shown me, by your post, what a remarkable man you are. I wish you every success in finding the smaller Andrew inside.0 -
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you Batman !! 0
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Vicky,Andrew....
Thank you so much for this. I had lost 87 lbs and my eating habits have taken a turn for the worse. I have never given up on the work outs. I guess that is because I am in the habit of waking up early and have nothing to do but go to the gym or walk the dogs.
But the eating...oh the eating.... there is not enough exercise in the world to make up for bad eating. I, too, am standing in the "Gained It Back" room as Jeanne says.
This past Saturday I went to a Health and Wellness show. Richard Simmons was there, as was Patrick House from The Biggest Loser. He has kept most of the weight off and still looks great. I shook his hand and had my picture taken with him. Then, the most fortunate thing happened to me. I was sitting down watching my husband spin his heart out at a spinning demo. There was a gentleman sitting near me, having some quiet time but I recognized him as Robert Kennedy. He is the publisher of Oxygen magazine, MuscleMag and some other fitness magazines. His wife is Tosca Reno (advocate of clean eating and author of many books). He had the coolest shoes on, so I used that as a way to strike up a conversation. ( They were Prada and way out of my price league, but they looked good) . I spent about 15 minutes talking with this man. He told me about his and Tosca's work out routines, how she eats clean 100% of the time and all kinds of other things. Tosca Reno used to be 80 lbs heavier and he told me she was afraid of ever going back there.
I clued in then.... I am missing the fear. I should be afraid of weighing 340lbs again. I should be afraid of the health risks and the pain. I should be afraid of not fitting in an airline seat and I should be afraid of not loving myself.
I am pleased to say that my eating habits have improved. They are not perfect yet but it took me time to perfect them and it took me time to lose them. I am finding them one by one. And one day, I will be back on top of my game totally.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have always respected you here on these threads and continue to do so. You have shown me, by your post, what a remarkable man you are. I wish you every success in finding the smaller Andrew inside.
Thanks you so much for sharing that story. Believe me. The respect is mutual. Perspective is gained through experience and I think we both have alot of new perspective that we may not have had the first time around. Its no longer a mad rush to get to a goal for me. It is a day by day change in my lifestyle that will make me the man I want to be. And its OK if it takes 3 months or a year because this is the way I will be forever. Much more at peace this time around and progressing nicely.
Thanks again for your amazing story. I'll see you around the boards. 0
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