Ready to start but need huge motivation pleaaaaaaase help

Well ok,where should I start.
I am 34 years old (yikes when did that happen!!) a mother, a doctoral student and a wife, which means alot to do, with extremely little me time.
But to start this I have to say I've never been extra skinny except as a kid but puberty hit and i gained weight but still I wasn't overweight just on the mid to moderate limit of the normal weight ( in a society that worships extra skinny girls) which I hated, so I dieted , lost some regained then lost it again, but never let myself become overweight or at least highly overweight. In collage I lost alot of weight, looked awesome, loved myself for that, was having fun alot, got married right after graduation and even managed to lose the honemoon weight gained in our travels, lol. Later, I gained weight with pregnancy and baby, but then lost the weight and felt great though my SO seemed not to notice that I lost the weight and that I still don't look like a freaking model or his extra skinny sister (though my SO says he didn't say that, but he totally did say that to my face). Although his family and everyone that saw me was impressed with me losing that weight. Anyways, I started my graduate studies and with pressure and night shifts and stress, I started gaining weight again, but this time, I became overweight( not obese but overweight) and started the yo-yo dieting, losing a pregnancy didn't help with the hormonal and emotional balance as well. 4 years ago I hit a point where I am gaining weight but trying to lose it in the same time like I was actually going to the Gym, but then a crisis fell on me, huge relationship stresses and fights that led me to just eat and eat without stopping and even when I start dieting I would break the diet coz I was just feeling no point since my life is just miserable.Looking back at it I should've sought therapy instead of turning to food for comfort. of course my SO helped alot with leading me down the rabbit hole with all the snarky comments and how fat I am and I will never lose the weight since no one apparently does without surgery. Every time he says these words I would get so determined to prove him wrong, but then I break down due to another emotional turmoil that he puts me through.
Well three years ago I got pregnant, unplanned, but I got scared of gaining alot of weight and having complications so I actually counted calories and it worked, didn't gain much more than the baby's weight. which unfortunately went away only for a little while after delivery, but then started again yo-yo dieting and gaining weight instead of losing it. In the last year, I haven't done any diet for more than a few days and thus binge ate alot, and gained weight. Currently I'm obese, hate myself for it, my feet hurt when I walk , and snarky comments are always available from everyone that looks at me this time, accompanied by the "ooooh what happened to you, you were never like that", ugh. I went to an obesity clinic to get a stomach balloon, but was told I would first have to prove that I went through a complete nutritional, fitness and psychological treatment, then if this doesnt work surgical options will be considered but only then. Now I covered the mirrors so I wouldnt look at my ugly body, I kinds dont like looking at my face much anymore with the double chin and all.
But since yesterday, where I discovered I hit obesity in a huge way BMI 43 wow, I became determined, I want my life back, I want me back, I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I dont want to disappoint my kids and especially I just want to be me again,,, I want myself back!!! So, I'm starting a healthy diet, with no crash dieting which I can't make any more with no willpower. My birthday is in a two months, I just wish I would have lost some pounds by then (not all ofc. it's not healthy and not reasonable), this will be my gift to myself .......
I tried to start yesterday but kind lost it at midnight, I'm hoping I can get it together today and successfully finish a day at a time.
Any recommendations, support or friendship are welcome since I am at a loss here ....