How to handle spouse who is not receptive to your new body

jlynnc77
jlynnc77 Posts: 2 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am 5'2 and approx 118 lbs. I have been up to the 160's, but for the last 10 plus years have been in the 120's. When I met my husband I was probably 122 and since we have been together have fluctuated between 120 and 129. I have always been happier at the lower end, but he has commented that he enjoyed certain parts of my body better when I was at the higher end. I have also been very much into fitness the whole time that we have been together. I enjoy working out and would say that I have appeared fit (not just thin) the whole time that we have been together.

Over the summer, I was right around 125-126 and decided that I really wanted to get down to at least 120. I watched my calories for about 2 months and got down to 116 (the lowest I have ever been). I was really happy with my body and felt like I was the fittest that I have ever been. I have some definition in my abs and upper body, but am by no means chiseled or extremely defined. I have a strong upper body. When I am at rest, I have some definition, but nothing crazy. When I am at the gym or my muscles are engaged there is more definition, but do not feel by any means that I am big (of course everyone has their own opinion on what these terms mean). I had a little definition in my abs prior to the weight loss and my upper body definitely appeared fit with some definition, but it is more evident now that I have dropped 10 lb (actually 8 because I gained back 2 lbs).

Anyway, since I have lost the weight my husband has commented that I have lost my boobs (mind you my correct size is a 32 D) and butt. I still have some curves. I am by no means stick skinny. At one point when we were talking about girls being muscular, I asked him if I was too muscular for him, and he agreed that I was. I have taken these comments well and do consider his opinion. Even though it is more important for me to be happy with how I look, I do value his opinion and want him to be attracted to me.

Well, it recently came up that he has a serious issue with my body now. He said that it is not just 10 lbs that I have lost, it is more about the body fat % and that I look too muscular. I know he loves a womanly body (big butt) and a feminine body. The problem is, I don't see what he sees and I am DEVASTATED that I have worked so hard to achieve what I consider the best I have ever been (not perfect, but good enough for me) and now my husband is not attracted to my body. He made comments that he doesn't like the thought of me in a bikini and made a comment about a vein he saw bulging in my bicep when I was doing bicep curls at the gym (he was clearly disgusted and said that he had to turn away). He agreed that I do not have big arms or shoulders, but feels that I am too defined to be as feminine as what he likes. He says that he still enjoys parts of my body and likes the petiteness of my body.

Even though I was relatively happy with my body at 125, I am much happier where I am now and don't want to intentionally gain the weight back. But it is crushing to not have my husband attracted to my body. He has always been a very physical and visual person. He has always made me feel VERY attractive and I have been 100% comfortable around him. He is a good guy, not one of those guys who would tell you to put down the cookie if you gained a little weight. I know that his ex-wife put on a fair amount of weight while they were married. I understand everyone has their own opinion on what they find attractive, but I really don't see that dramatic of a change in my body. We also have a VERY good marriage. It just blows me away that the change in my body would really be a problem for him. I also found out that he went to a strip club and had a lap dance (which I had to find out on my own) because he wanted to see a womanly body. That is a whole other topic, but I am just CRUSHED that he feels this way and need some advice on how to deal with my husband not being attracted to me.
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Replies

  • tmarple93
    tmarple93 Posts: 75 Member
    Wow. I feel like you should be extremely proud of yourself that you've worked hard and have a strong body to show for it. It kinda blows my mind that your husband isn't supportive of it. Especially since you seem so happy and confident in yourself. Your own opinion of yourself is the one that matters above all but I know how much of an impact a significant others opinion can be. You wanna look great for your husband. But by doing so wouldn't be happy with yourself. That's not fair to you and I think he should be happy that your so happy. That's very selfish for him to want you to gain some weight so you look how he wants you to look. Your husband shouldn't be putting you down either. He shouldn't be telling you he doesn't like the thought of you in a bikini. That's so horrible. I'm sorry I don't know anything about your relationship. But that doesn't sound like a very loving or supportive husband. I'm sorry your going through this. If I had the determination to get lean and strong and I felt amazing in my own skin, I'd expect my husband to be pushing me forward and to be as supportive as possible. And find me beautiful whether I gained 20 pounds or got so fit I could compete in a bikini competition lol.

    Also him lying and going to a strip club and then getting a lap dance becuase he wanted a womanly figure? Like are you serious? No woman deserves to feel like she's not good enough. I'm so sorry.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,982 Member
    So it's just about visual/physical for him? He's not attracted to other qualities? I do understand how visual attraction works, but that only goes so far for either gender. Could it be a deeper issue? Maybe gym time is taking away from together time? Or that he may feel insecure about how other men may be drawn to you now?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • upoffthemat
    upoffthemat Posts: 679 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    So it's just about visual/physical for him? He's not attracted to other qualities? I do understand how visual attraction works, but that only goes so far for either gender. Could it be a deeper issue? Maybe gym time is taking away from together time? Or that he may feel insecure about how other men may be drawn to you now?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    second this
  • rosebette
    rosebette Posts: 1,660 Member
    While you say you have a very good marriage, that your husband is saying he isn't attracted to you because you are less curvy and more muscular, and is now going to strip clubs behind your back, says otherwise. Most men would be proud and delighted to have a wife with a fit body -- 116 lbs. is a good weight for a woman who is 5'2", not "skinny" by any means. I've heard of men or women no longer being attracted to spouses who have put on weight, but to lose attraction for someone because she has now become more toned and firm sounds as if there are deeper issues going on.
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,093 Member
    I agree with @ninerbuff , maybe he feels insecure about your new sense of confidence or how men are drawn to you.

    Also, are you spending enough time together?

    You sound like you put in hard work and are truly happy with being fit and happy and proud at your current weight.

    Most men, in my opinion, will not share your enthusiasm about; counting calories, working out, and fitness in general, unless they are fit themselves and I'm guessing he's not fit and you love him just the

    About the strip club, I think it has nothing to do with the way you look...Maybe he feels ignored and wanted/ needed some attention.

    Some men just prefer more curvy less muscular women, it might just be his preference, but if you feel happier at a specific weight then I think you should do what is right for you, he should want you to be happy.

    If what he says hurts your feelings, I would for sure talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.


  • PearBlossom9
    PearBlossom9 Posts: 136 Member
    Insults, put downs, shaming, criticism, and reacting by getting a lap dance is all very troublesome. That is not being a good spouse and it borderlines on emotional abuse.

    You love your husband, but that doesn't give him the right to put you down.If you are unable to get to the root of this yourselves, consider therapy. How you feel is not ok and you don't have to accept it.
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    Sounds to me that he is the one who actually feels threatened in his masculinity. Strip clubs for a married man who just had this conversation about body image with his wife is quite a staggering response.
  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
    edited March 2016
    Lap dance ......end of relationship for me, I class it as se xual contact (even if there is no actual se x he still got off with another woman). Total disrespect for marriage vows and I'm out of there.

    I agree though there are bigger issues than you losing weight.
  • Meganthedogmom
    Meganthedogmom Posts: 1,639 Member
    I would be very concerned about the strip club thing, mainly because he went behind your back and you had to find out on your own. I don't want to put unnecessary concern in your head, but if is doing that behind your back, what else might he do? If he just wanted to see a "womanly body", he could have watched porn instead.

    You should be so proud of your body and accomplishments and it would be heartbreaking for me to get that kind of reaction about it from my spouse. That is a tough situation, I'm sorry I don't have any real advice here.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.
  • Pocket__Cthulhu
    Pocket__Cthulhu Posts: 134 Member
    I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

    You're describing a rather unhealthy relationship with you and your husband, and judging by your willingness to share that information with the internet I think you have a pretty solid understanding that it is unhealthy. You deserve to be happy in your skin, and I agree with the above statements that it sounds like a bad explanation for his bad behavior...which should not be confused with a justification. There is not a justification for a visit to a strip club behind your back, and there is no justification for putting you down.

    I would recommend asking him to go to couples therapy rather than taking advice from the internet, because I really doubt it has anything to do with a vein showing on your arm or how much time you spend together. That's professional help that you, and he, probably needs to work through whatever problem he has. If he says no, then honey....well, you deserve better and should evaluate whether or not your marriage is the best thing for your life.

    You don't deserve to be put down for being who you want to be. There's a line between the compromises that must occur in marriage, and being a doormat in the name of "love."
  • PandoraGreen721
    PandoraGreen721 Posts: 450 Member
    edited March 2016
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

    I can't even imagine..but I am aligned with this comment...

    I'm sorry you're going through this..yes we want to look good to our significant others...but you should also be happy with how you look...it's your body -- not his. I wish I could offer more insight other than you can't conform to what others want..they should love you for who you are as a person.

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    You two have a different image of an ideal body and it is obvious that you love the shape you are in now. You can't change his body ideal. I assume you two are attracted to each other for many other qualities as well.

    I don't want you to be devastated and crushed over this. And I don't think it is emotionally healthy to transform yourself in to his ideal.

    I've listened to Dr. Virginia Sadock on Sirius Radio and I find her gentle and compassionate in her way of approaching sensitive subjects like this where your needs deserve to be heard, but it can be said in a way that invites your partner to talk about it.

    http://www.thesexmd.com/sexual-health-with-dr-virginia-sadock/
  • Ravenspurn
    Ravenspurn Posts: 14 Member
    edited March 2016
    You should be proud of your accomplishment, if you are happy with you, he should be happy for you, and with you, that's what's important.
    Being happy is not something you should be depressed about.

    I am rather reluctant to say that I have been in relationships where vanity has played a part, and one where vanity was all there was... was not a good period in my life, but I suppose we all live and learn.
    Everyone has a body ideal, but a relationship needs to be built on more than sexual attraction, people are not static, they are dynamic, they change over time.

    I am far from a psychologist, or relationship adviser, but I think he may be intimidated.
    It could also be that he believes that a woman should be like the classical Venus or Madonna. have known plenty of guys who have had this opinion, Especially at the gym, which was a little perplexing. (Sauna Talk).

    What's important is that you are happy with yourself.
    I know this has been said before, but only you can decide to change you, and only you can define what your ideal is, others can make suggestions, but they should be taken at face value.

    hth, Cheers

    Leon


  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    When men like him talk about a problem they are having with you, the problem is really about something else.
  • abelcat1
    abelcat1 Posts: 186 Member
    With the people I love... I love all, endure all, forgive all... and I´m loyal to that love, be it my pets, friends, family or romantic partner. I would never waste my energy on the subject of what I idealy would be attracted to. I´m atracted to those I love.. period! I think your husband is in a crisis and have forgotten his loyalty to you. Can he find it again? Ask him.. I wish you a healing of your relationship. This has nothing to do with your body. You are perfect in any shape YOU prefer!
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    Man...I'm sorry OP. I have had the same thing in mind as I'm changing my body. I remember my boyfriend saying he doesn't like "abs" or women to be too muscular. I'm literally running a bulk at the moment and have gained 10+ lbs. I showed him a side by side of me now and me at my smallest, and he said he prefers me now. I just wonder...this is never going to end for me. I'm always going to be working on my body and you know what...I will probably end up muscular, and I might have abs. I wish I had more to help you with other than my own stupid anecdote. I am following the thread though.
  • jlynnc77
    jlynnc77 Posts: 2 Member
    Thanks for the comments. I do think part of it is the time that I devote to my fitness and the fact that he has gotten more out of shape the last few years due to injuries. I have also suffered running injuries and don't even run that much anymore, so I know it is easy to get down on yourself. I also know that he would like more of my time. We do enjoy going to the gym together and go about once a week together. He did mention some concern that our lifestyles might be changing some. I admit that I am a little more devoted to it when we first met, and he definitely let me know when we met that he liked being active but was not a gym rat. Based on our conversations, he felt that since it would be easy for me to gain 10lbs and since I was relatively happy with how I looked 10 lbs heavier that it wasn't too much to ask. I don't have a problem talking about my body with him, especially if I ask the question and do value his opinion. I do not believe that he meant to put me down but agree he could have let me know that he liked my body 10 lbs heavier and missed the fuller boobs and butt without a few of the comments that I heard. I am by no means justifying anything, just trying to give the full story.
  • Onamissionforfit
    Onamissionforfit Posts: 90 Member
    It's sounds to me that he has a bigger unsaid issue and pointing his finger at you. First of all you should love your body and you worked hard for it but this also seems like verbal abuse because he is making all the comments to lower yourself esteem. It is never ok for him to go get a lap dance behind your back too look at another woman. You are his wife in sickness and in health.
  • Nixygirl
    Nixygirl Posts: 35 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

    Yep, this is probably the best advice given on this thread.
    I'm so sorry OP that you are going through this, esp after you have worked so hard. But it's not you, something is really off about his behaviour.
  • hopeandtheabsurd
    hopeandtheabsurd Posts: 265 Member
    There is a disconnect between what you say you want and how you are acting. You say that you are happier with your current weight and body fat, but then you quiz him on all your specific body parts and how he does/does not like them. Why invite criticism and put yourself through a level of objectification that leaves you devastated? If he is a good guy in a very good marriage, why on earth would he say such nasty things to you and go to a strip club?

    Physical attraction between spouses is more than just a sum of body parts, and you both seem to be floundering a little in this area right now. I think it might be worthwhile for you to talk with a psychologist and try to get to the root of the disconnect.
  • 100df
    100df Posts: 668 Member
    Sounds like you are working hard for your body, good for you!

    I don't like the sound of the lap dance thing but I know there are many ways to feel about it. In my opinion it's a cop out excuse to say he wanted a different body type. What if you gained 75 pounds? Is it okay to get a lap dance because he wanted a smaller body type? What would he think about you getting a lap dance from a man because you wanted a different body type?

    It may be he needs time to adjust to the new you. I agree with the above that he might be feeling insecure because he isn't exercising like you are. Any major change can feel threatening when you arent part of it. Also agree a counselor could be helpful too.

    I say give it time and talk about it with him. After 22 years marriage I know that waiting things out is often part of the answer. Takes time to adjust. Of course by the time we both adjust something changes again and we are back to adjusting.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    Him being attracted to a certain body type and wanting you to look a certain way, this is not something he can change or purpose and it is something you need to accept. Whether this means you should change your looks based on his preferences, and what is best for your relationship, this is not something that can have a clear answer. So, if the problem was just this, him being honest about what he finds attractive then this would be something you two could discuss.
    But, him going to a strip clb and paying for a lap dance (which does not appear to be acceptable in your marriage) this a very different story. You did not make him do these things or hide the visit from you. And it opens the whole issue of what else is it you cannot trust him about. If one is no longer attracted to a partner and cannot live this way, there are honest solutions: from talking about it to ending the relationship. Trying to find attraction elsewhere is not accpetable (I am guessing thsi is not an open marriage) and it is not something he can blame on you. If he was/is going to cheat, this is not something you have done wrong. Do not let him convince you your body is the reason it is happening. Unless he used it as a way to "punish" you, which is very disturbing!
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,195 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

    Exactly.

    A man whose range for attractiveness involves a variation of less than ten pounds...is being ridiculous.

    He is going to leave you, cheat on you, or both. This is a thing men do to shift responsibility from themselves when they want to make bad decisions. YOU are not the problem.
  • Larissa_NY
    Larissa_NY Posts: 495 Member
    azulvioleta6 wrote: »
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

    Exactly.

    A man whose range for attractiveness involves a variation of less than ten pounds...is being ridiculous.

    He is going to leave you, cheat on you, or both. This is a thing men do to shift responsibility from themselves when they want to make bad decisions. YOU are not the problem.

    I hate to say it, but yeah. It sounds like he wants out of the marriage and just wants an escape hatch that lets him blame the whole thing on you.

    I mean, he actually told you that he had to turn away from your body in disgust because he saw a vein - or for any reason at all? I would have had the divorce papers on his desk in the morning. Trust me: when a man tells you things like that, believe him. It sucks, but not nearly as much as it sucks to listen to *kitten* like that for far too long only to find that he was saying "I'm done" loud and clear for a long time before you could bring yourself to hear it.
  • rosebette
    rosebette Posts: 1,660 Member
    edited March 2016
    Let's put it in another way. I'm female and in the 50ish range, and my spouse is heavy, while I'm still fit. I'd love for my SO to lose 25 lbs. or more. What if I went to a male strip club and had a lap dance with one of the strippers because I'm not happy with my spouse's body? Would that, then, be OK because my own partner's body isn't exactly what I want? Sorry, but in a marriage, if one partner is complaining because he's "not attracted" for a 10 lb. weight difference and seeking satisfaction elsewhere, the problem is definitely not with OP.
  • Lynzdee18
    Lynzdee18 Posts: 500 Member
    Sorry for being blunt. But....You deserve better.

    You are worth more regard than he's giving you. This isn't your problem. It's his. He's just making excuses here. Please take care....
  • PearBlossom9
    PearBlossom9 Posts: 136 Member
    jlynnc77 wrote: »
    Thanks for the comments. I do think part of it is the time that I devote to my fitness and the fact that he has gotten more out of shape the last few years due to injuries. I have also suffered running injuries and don't even run that much anymore, so I know it is easy to get down on yourself. I also know that he would like more of my time. We do enjoy going to the gym together and go about once a week together. He did mention some concern that our lifestyles might be changing some. I admit that I am a little more devoted to it when we first met, and he definitely let me know when we met that he liked being active but was not a gym rat. Based on our conversations, he felt that since it would be easy for me to gain 10lbs and since I was relatively happy with how I looked 10 lbs heavier that it wasn't too much to ask. I don't have a problem talking about my body with him, especially if I ask the question and do value his opinion. I do not believe that he meant to put me down but agree he could have let me know that he liked my body 10 lbs heavier and missed the fuller boobs and butt without a few of the comments that I heard. I am by no means justifying anything, just trying to give the full story.

    This is a whole bunch of denial. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY has any right to tell you what to do with your body. Not your husband, not your mother, not your doctor. Your body is YOURS. YOU make the decisions on what YOU do with it. Someone telling you its reasonable to gain 10 pounds so you look better to them is all sorts of wrong. It is controlling.

    There is something seriously wrong going on here. It IS too much to ask for you to put on weight so you look better to him.

    You are not the problem. He is.

  • Kristin2626
    Kristin2626 Posts: 24 Member
    Wow, I think nearly everyone said it perfectly! I mean, if I frankly ask a man what he thinks of my appearance (regardless of whether I am thin, fat, muscular, whatever the appearance quality you want to discuss), and he says, "I prefer women who are X" when I am working on moving from Y to Z (opposite direction!) you know, that hurts sure. If he says, "I don't like how Y you are" that also hurts. But I asked for an opinion and it's nice to know where I stand -- it tells me a lot about that part of our relationship. We all have what we are attracted to in others and we all have what we are attracted to in ourselves and the one thing that we absolutely should not compromise is what we do for ourselves and with ourselves. The other side of the coin is that if the relationship is a healthy, good long-term relationship, it should not matter that much. I mean, I want the guy I hook up with to have a six-pack, but if I expected that of a husband, I would be going through a lot of divorces! If this man is willing to commit what I am assuming is a form of infidelity in your relationship over 10 lbs. weight loss (I assume that because he lied, seeing a stripper was off-limits), then he is not in the relationship for the right reasons. And finally (and really my main point here) if instead of saying "here are my preferences" he talks about having to look away, can't stand the thought of you in a bikini, etc. -- THAT is emotional abuse. That's not merely, "this is what I like," it's "I am going to hurt you until you submit to becoming what I like." He seems to think that you are an object that he bought that is not performing properly, instead of a human being he's married, with whom he is building a lasting relationship.
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,093 Member
    Have you told him how you feel?

    Some guys prefer less muscular women and that is just what they like.

    Some men prefer women to look more Soft and round instead of muscular and firm.

    You sound like you are proud of yourself and the work you've put in... So do what makes you happy.

    I'm wondering if you make enough "together time" ... Do you make time for the two of you or are you always working out and talking to him about calories?

    I think guys get bored of always talking about food and exercise and calories.

    Him going to a stripper and blaming it on you is a whole seperate issue.

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