How to handle spouse who is not receptive to your new body

There is a disconnect between what you say you want and how you are acting. You say that you are happier with your current weight and body fat, but then you quiz him on all your specific body parts and how he does/does not like them. Why invite criticism and put yourself through a level of objectification that leaves you devastated? If he is a good guy in a very good marriage, why on earth would he say such nasty things to you and go to a strip club?

Physical attraction between spouses is more than just a sum of body parts, and you both seem to be floundering a little in this area right now. I think it might be worthwhile for you to talk with a psychologist and try to get to the root of the disconnect.

Him being attracted to a certain body type and wanting you to look a certain way, this is not something he can change or purpose and it is something you need to accept. Whether this means you should change your looks based on his preferences, and what is best for your relationship, this is not something that can have a clear answer. So, if the problem was just this, him being honest about what he finds attractive then this would be something you two could discuss.
But, him going to a strip clb and paying for a lap dance (which does not appear to be acceptable in your marriage) this a very different story. You did not make him do these things or hide the visit from you. And it opens the whole issue of what else is it you cannot trust him about. If one is no longer attracted to a partner and cannot live this way, there are honest solutions: from talking about it to ending the relationship. Trying to find attraction elsewhere is not accpetable (I am guessing thsi is not an open marriage) and it is not something he can blame on you. If he was/is going to cheat, this is not something you have done wrong. Do not let him convince you your body is the reason it is happening. Unless he used it as a way to "punish" you, which is very disturbing!

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

Exactly.

A man whose range for attractiveness involves a variation of less than ten pounds...is being ridiculous.

He is going to leave you, cheat on you, or both. This is a thing men do to shift responsibility from themselves when they want to make bad decisions. YOU are not the problem.

I hate to say it, but yeah. It sounds like he wants out of the marriage and just wants an escape hatch that lets him blame the whole thing on you.

I mean, he actually told you that he had to turn away from your body in disgust because he saw a vein - or for any reason at all? I would have had the divorce papers on his desk in the morning. Trust me: when a man tells you things like that, believe him. It sucks, but not nearly as much as it sucks to listen to *kitten* like that for far too long only to find that he was saying "I'm done" loud and clear for a long time before you could bring yourself to hear it.

Sorry for being blunt. But....You deserve better.

You are worth more regard than he's giving you. This isn't your problem. It's his. He's just making excuses here. Please take care....

Wow, I think nearly everyone said it perfectly! I mean, if I frankly ask a man what he thinks of my appearance (regardless of whether I am thin, fat, muscular, whatever the appearance quality you want to discuss), and he says, "I prefer women who are X" when I am working on moving from Y to Z (opposite direction!) you know, that hurts sure. If he says, "I don't like how Y you are" that also hurts. But I asked for an opinion and it's nice to know where I stand -- it tells me a lot about that part of our relationship. We all have what we are attracted to in others and we all have what we are attracted to in ourselves and the one thing that we absolutely should not compromise is what we do for ourselves and with ourselves. The other side of the coin is that if the relationship is a healthy, good long-term relationship, it should not matter that much. I mean, I want the guy I hook up with to have a six-pack, but if I expected that of a husband, I would be going through a lot of divorces! If this man is willing to commit what I am assuming is a form of infidelity in your relationship over 10 lbs. weight loss (I assume that because he lied, seeing a stripper was off-limits), then he is not in the relationship for the right reasons. And finally (and really my main point here) if instead of saying "here are my preferences" he talks about having to look away, can't stand the thought of you in a bikini, etc. -- THAT is emotional abuse. That's not merely, "this is what I like," it's "I am going to hurt you until you submit to becoming what I like." He seems to think that you are an object that he bought that is not performing properly, instead of a human being he's married, with whom he is building a lasting relationship.

snowflake954 wrote: »

It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.

Yep

People are attracted to what they're attracted to, he's not the only man on the planet that prefers junk in the trunk I'm sure. You should do what makes you happy... whether that's appreciating your own body or enjoying your husbands appreciation for it..... it's not really fair or feasible to expect him to change what he finds attractive......but this goes way beyond that.... this is not just about him not liking you more muscular there's more going on with him. He's probably been on his way out for a while and this was a great way to make it look like your fault

Christine_72 wrote: »

pootle1972 wrote: »

Lap dance ......end of relationship for me, I class it as se xual contact (even if there is no actual se x he still got off with another woman). Total disrespect for marriage vows and I'm out of there.

I agree though there are bigger issues than you losing weight.

I agree, A strip club or anything of that ilk would mean the end of my marriage!! That's just me though, some women have no problem with their men frequenting places like this, I'm just not one of them..

Strip club....I don't want him going ever but he has been to one once on a lads weekend, (and i hated he went but he had no clue till they pulled up in the cab and didn't feel comfortable waiting outside with the drug dealer and hooker)...but lap dance/private dance whole different kettle of fish that shows in my mind a will to cheat a will to get se xual gratification off another person that wasn't me....its cheating.

So what's going to happen in 20 years when you're older and it shows on your body?

OP are you 'much' younger than your husband? If that is the case he might be hitting his middle age crisis and seeing you looking and feeling better than ever and himself not so much from what I understood it could be triggering this weird behavior. On the other hand I do not think there is any good excuse for his actions. When you love someone and see them happy and thriving that should make you happy as well. He is being selfish. You deserve better. Think of everything, talk, but don't settle for less than what you deserve. A loving and supportive mate. Also Francl27 made excellent point of age showing on body... If he is so bothered by small superficial changes and is already deciding to sneak behind your back (lap dance) I advise you to be careful and think of yourself first. If you feel you are your best self now he should celebrate your success and not bring you down and make you feel guilty over it...someone mention emotional abuse and it sounds correct. I would not tolerate it, no one should. If he isn't willing to fix himself (you are not the 'broken' one) than it might be better to move on.