How to handle spouse who is not receptive to your new body
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snowflake954 wrote: »It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.
Yep
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Everyone else has said so many good things!
We all can have preferences. We can even voice those preferences to our partners if they ask our opinion. But we should never issue ultimatums or turn away from them in disgust or expect them to comply with our preferences. I prefer men who don't have beards. If I'm dating someone and he asks me what I think then I'll say "I prefer no beard". If he proceeds to grow a beard then I'm not going to harass him about shaving or comment that I can't stand beards or refuse to kiss him because it disgusts me. That's just uncool and if 10 lbs or a beard or some other minor change is enough to freak me out then I'm the one who has the issues. It's his beard and he can do what he wants with it. Same with you and your body.
If you love someone then love them as a person and respect their decisions. He isn't respecting you. I hope you're able to have a conversation with him about this and come to a resolution. Please keep us updated.0 -
People are attracted to what they're attracted to, he's not the only man on the planet that prefers junk in the trunk I'm sure. You should do what makes you happy... whether that's appreciating your own body or enjoying your husbands appreciation for it..... it's not really fair or feasible to expect him to change what he finds attractive......but this goes way beyond that.... this is not just about him not liking you more muscular there's more going on with him. He's probably been on his way out for a while and this was a great way to make it look like your fault0
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pootle1972 wrote: »Lap dance ......end of relationship for me, I class it as se xual contact (even if there is no actual se x he still got off with another woman). Total disrespect for marriage vows and I'm out of there.
I agree though there are bigger issues than you losing weight.
I agree, A strip club or anything of that ilk would mean the end of my marriage!! That's just me though, some women have no problem with their men frequenting places like this, I'm just not one of them..0 -
Christine_72 wrote: »pootle1972 wrote: »Lap dance ......end of relationship for me, I class it as se xual contact (even if there is no actual se x he still got off with another woman). Total disrespect for marriage vows and I'm out of there.
I agree though there are bigger issues than you losing weight.
I agree, A strip club or anything of that ilk would mean the end of my marriage!! That's just me though, some women have no problem with their men frequenting places like this, I'm just not one of them..
Strip club....I don't want him going ever but he has been to one once on a lads weekend, (and i hated he went but he had no clue till they pulled up in the cab and didn't feel comfortable waiting outside with the drug dealer and hooker)...but lap dance/private dance whole different kettle of fish that shows in my mind a will to cheat a will to get se xual gratification off another person that wasn't me....its cheating.0 -
Pics of veiny, muscular OP?0
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So what's going to happen in 20 years when you're older and it shows on your body?0
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You have to be happy and confident in your own skin. I think he's being manipulative.0
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OP are you 'much' younger than your husband? If that is the case he might be hitting his middle age crisis and seeing you looking and feeling better than ever and himself not so much from what I understood it could be triggering this weird behavior. On the other hand I do not think there is any good excuse for his actions. When you love someone and see them happy and thriving that should make you happy as well. He is being selfish. You deserve better. Think of everything, talk, but don't settle for less than what you deserve. A loving and supportive mate. Also Francl27 made excellent point of age showing on body... If he is so bothered by small superficial changes and is already deciding to sneak behind your back (lap dance) I advise you to be careful and think of yourself first. If you feel you are your best self now he should celebrate your success and not bring you down and make you feel guilty over it...someone mention emotional abuse and it sounds correct. I would not tolerate it, no one should. If he isn't willing to fix himself (you are not the 'broken' one) than it might be better to move on.0
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I'm going to agree with whoever said it's controlling behavior.
So say you gain a few pounds like he wants. What do you think he'll find wrong with you the next time he gets caught with another woman?
There's absolutely nothing ok with him getting a lap dance from someone else. If he thought it was ok he would have told you about it right?
The fact he's disgusted by the sight of you is alarming. 118 now vs 122 when you met....yeah he's full of it. He wants to play around and is blaming his actions on you. Classic cheater moves.0 -
I'm sorry, maybe it's because I've never been in a relationship with a man, but why are you still with him? You worked your *kitten* off and he's throwing a tantrum because what, now he's the 'less attractive' spouse? I bet money that's what it is. You're hot and he's scared you're going to leave him, so he demeans and belittles you to make you less confident and stay with him. I say dump his *kitten*, pronto. What he's doing is abuse, it's dickish, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.0
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I talked about this with my husband last night, as he's always complaining and reminiscing about my bigger boobs that have obviously shrunk since I've lost weight (they were huge), it drives me nuts!! He's one of those men who likes soft, feminine curves, the muscular/ripped look is not his thing at all.
He did however say, all of that is secondary and he'll get used to my different body, because he's with me for me, and would still love me whole heartedly no matter what size i was. He's not going to run around or be disloyal (strip club) because I don't fit his perfect body image, he's not so perfect himself
OP I showed him your post, I hope you don't mind.. He did raise an eyebrow, and definitely agreed there's more to this than aesthetics. You just need to find out what it is..
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Only way I can think to play devils advocate is, I'm sure there's certain times or things we've seen in partner that we wish we could unsee. Maybe OP's spouse was just being too honest and should have been a bit smarter
Also I don't know if the OP mentioned exactly how they feel about strip clubs. Like is this something he's never done or maybe only does it infrequently, or do they maybe usually go together when they do so but this time he went alone, that sort of thing0 -
Looks are paramount when you're on Tinder looking for a hookup. When you're in a serious relationship, looks can't mean everything, or all marriages would fall apart when folks hit their 40s and 50s. Any marriage can hit a rough spot now and then, including waning and waxing of sexual attraction, but unless he's incredibly shallow, he didn't marry you for your looks. Maybe he's feeling really insecure for some reason. In which case you need to have a serious talk with him to see if you can pinpoint what's really wrong.
Or, he's giving himself permission to be a bad boy.
One question I'd throw out: When did your husband get the lap dance? Was it before or after he started this "I don't find you attractive any more"? If the lap dance was before, maybe he's feeling guilty about it (as well he should) and figures the best defense is an offense?
I agree with everyone here that the problem almost certainly lies with him or your marriage (or both). (I say "almost certainly" because I don't know you and have to take your word for your history, what you weigh, the state of your marriage, etc.) A therapist might come in handy. For both of you, or for you, if he won't go with you.0 -
I feel sorry for you because your husband is a wanker, plain and simple. Going to strip clubs? You married the wrong guy. He'll be cheating on you next blaming it on you, he can't appreciate the fact is wife is trying to stay as healthy as possible, prolonging her life, and ultimately gaining huge confidence in herself because she looks awesome. He needs his head checked, massively. If he doesn't appreciate you then ditch him, seriously.0
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I have to agree with a lot of folks that say that something else is going on, and that he's trying to deflect off his own issues.
That said, people who are talking about him leaving the OP or the relationship being over or that the OP has to move on - that's a little ridiculous. This issue is not cause for divorce! Lordy!
If a little disconnect like this is enough to end a marriage, someone please tell me how they got their own perfectly loving and supportive every single damn day marriage.
That said, OP, you're awesome and amazing and deserve perfect acceptance from your husband. I find that when men start to criticize the success of women, it really has to do with their own insecurities. Sometimes a woman's career will be going spectacularly, and a man will nitpick on her professional choices and say he missed her before when things were not going so well and she had more time for him. When women become more fit, they start to think about their own bodies, because an amazingly fit spouse makes someone look like a fatso!
Sounds like both of you are insecure about each other's attraction and commitment. Unlike him, you have good reason.
I'd suggest you put aside the conversations about what's "right" and "wrong" and instead tell him how his actions and his comments have hurt you. It's also a chance for him to tell you how he's feeling.
Clearly there's something serious being left unsaid, and it has to be confronted. 10 pounds isn't enough be this serious an issue.0 -
I am not buying he went to a strip club because he wanted to see a womanly body at all because he didn't need a lap dance to see a 'womanly body', he would have been seeing plenty of scantily dressed to nude females at the strip club.
It probably isn't the first time he has been. There is a whole bigger issue at play and it isn't likely to end well unless is he is prepared to be truthful about what it is.
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He is full of it. 10 pounds and he is throwing a fit? Wooow. I agree with the others that mentioned that he is using his "disgust" of your new body as an excuse. I'd hate to see how he acted when the wrinkles, saggy skin and gray hair start showing. "Sorry hun, I only like firm skin, you can't age".0
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Well said!DearestWinter wrote: »Everyone else has said so many good things!
We all can have preferences. We can even voice those preferences to our partners if they ask our opinion. But we should never issue ultimatums or turn away from them in disgust or expect them to comply with our preferences. I prefer men who don't have beards. If I'm dating someone and he asks me what I think then I'll say "I prefer no beard". If he proceeds to grow a beard then I'm not going to harass him about shaving or comment that I can't stand beards or refuse to kiss him because it disgusts me. That's just uncool and if 10 lbs or a beard or some other minor change is enough to freak me out then I'm the one who has the issues. It's his beard and he can do what he wants with it. Same with you and your body.
If you love someone then love them as a person and respect their decisions. He isn't respecting you. I hope you're able to have a conversation with him about this and come to a resolution. Please keep us updated.0 -
Guy is getting a lap dance on the sly and you are worried about a vein that showed while curling? This is not "good guy" behaviour.
Don't be that doormat.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »It's not you--he's using that as an excuse. You may have had the perfect husband and marriage, but something's off and it's not your body. There's more to it--look into it.
I second this.
He is justifying his actions by placing the blame on you. No marriage is perfect but your spouse should love and respect you enough to talk things out with you to find common ground. Try couples counseling to find that common ground before more issues start piling up. Keep us updated, hope things get better0 -
So it's just about visual/physical for him? He's not attracted to other qualities? I do understand how visual attraction works, but that only goes so far for either gender. Could it be a deeper issue? Maybe gym time is taking away from together time? Or that he may feel insecure about how other men may be drawn to you now?
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I think these reasons are spot on. Significant others deal with their partners losing weight in varying ways. Some may get insecure like mentioned above. Others may decide to focus on themselves, like my fiance who has watched me lose just shy of 70 lbs and now wants to work on himself. On the other hand as you have said that other than this issue your relationship is strong, it could be he is just trying to be honest with you. Personally, I can understand the bulging vein thing (but only because I am squeamish of veins, arteries, vessels, and of course blood). Maybe it's a masculinity thing? Are you physically stronger than he is, and that's the root of it? I would talk to him further to really get to the root of it before gaining any weight. You shouldn't make yourself feel worse just to make him feel attracted to you. There has to be a middle ground between being attractive to him and how you physically feel. If he's as good as you say he is, he should be willing to compromise.0 -
augustremulous wrote: »I have to agree with a lot of folks that say that something else is going on, and that he's trying to deflect off his own issues.
That said, people who are talking about him leaving the OP or the relationship being over or that the OP has to move on - that's a little ridiculous. This issue is not cause for divorce! Lordy!
If a little disconnect like this is enough to end a marriage, someone please tell me how they got their own perfectly loving and supportive every single damn day marriage.
That said, OP, you're awesome and amazing and deserve perfect acceptance from your husband. I find that when men start to criticize the success of women, it really has to do with their own insecurities. Sometimes a woman's career will be going spectacularly, and a man will nitpick on her professional choices and say he missed her before when things were not going so well and she had more time for him. When women become more fit, they start to think about their own bodies, because an amazingly fit spouse makes someone look like a fatso!
Sounds like both of you are insecure about each other's attraction and commitment. Unlike him, you have good reason.
I'd suggest you put aside the conversations about what's "right" and "wrong" and instead tell him how his actions and his comments have hurt you. It's also a chance for him to tell you how he's feeling.
Clearly there's something serious being left unsaid, and it has to be confronted. 10 pounds isn't enough be this serious an issue.
OP alone knows what is worth leaving him over. For someone considering lap dances cheating, it would be reason for divorce probably. I am trying to think how I would react if I caught my husband having a lap dance and he told me he did it to feel a real woman against his body and to be honest, I cannot really imagine life continuing as usual. It is not about a little disconnect it is about complete lack of respect.0 -
Know I'm chiming in late, but yeah, I agree with the posters who say that this ain't about you. He's just looking for excuses. It's easier to make it your fault.
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tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »I am not buying he went to a strip club because he wanted to see a womanly body at all because he didn't need a lap dance to see a 'womanly body', he would have been seeing plenty of scantily dressed to nude females at the strip club
Or he could have just looked at his wife if he wanted to see a womanly body. She is a woman; so how can she NOT have a womanly body?
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So he finds you unattractive and essentially cheated on you to get what he wanted... Pretty open/shut case here. That's not how you handle things in a marriage, he signed up to love you regardless of what you look like and to be faithful to you. His behavior is way out of line0
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